Mar 3, 2012
You are posting from the UK but are unable to write decent english? Interesting.... (Sep 28, 2013 | post #993)
1%? My marriage with a senegalese started in 1999, that was 14 years ago. I dont think that is the right percentage. I guess my real guestion is: why do west-africans (generally) hide things from their western partner. When its a scam-marriage i know the answer but it also happens in genuine marriages. Why is lying such a big part in west african society. I have witnessed this on numerous occasions from one african to the other. It is almost as if honestly is concideren 'wrong'. How can lying be considered right religiously speaking.. (Sep 4, 2013 | post #53)
You dont know how to reply to some of the Q's mentioned Chondi? Your posts are a whole lot of blabla but they only touch the surface and have little meaning to be honest. Why dont you truly get IN to the culture, you of all posters could tell us about the how's and why's... (Sep 3, 2013 | post #41)
My take on Islam in Senegal and Gambia is that its a tolerant variant of Islam but also a very bendable one. Most people bend it in a way that is suitable for them and often its mixed with cultural traditions and most of the (illiterate) people there dont even realise that what they do is not really islamic. Apart from that i would like to point out to you, Chondi, while women may have rights in Senegal& Gambia by law, that those rights are just theoretical. She may be allowed to leave a uncapabale husband but is her own family going to be happy when she returns or will she cause a family-drama. On top of that the families honor may be at stake, esp when she is married within her own family (cousin-marriages) . She will be the talk of the town. More often than not the african families are glad when their daughter is settled. One mouth less that has to be fed. If her family is unable or unwilling to have her back is there a social structure that she can fall back on? I think not. the law may say she is free to choose a husband but with the enourmous family-pressure she will often go with a man that her mother picked out for her. She may be able to keep her children after a divorce but esp. in rural areas she will not be respected. It takes a very strong woman to be able to divorce and put up with all the crap. My guess is that most women stay in a unhappy marriage because at least they will be respected and keep their children. (Sep 1, 2013 | post #32)
Geezzz@ all the word-picking on here. Almost makes me want to use the non-accepted phrases. Sometimes a word is just a word and not everyone speaks English as their first language either (my motherlanguage for example is Dutch). If i have to overthink every word that I type I will never be able to post here. (Aug 27, 2013 | post #214)
I see what you are trying to say and i dont wish to speak for others but i think when she said young she meant she is not in her 50's/60's/70's. I am sure she knows 30 is not really THAT young in Gambia. It just means she is not elderly either and at 30 you can still start a family if you wish. Another thing i would like to point out is that in Senegal i do see a lot of young girls that are really REALLY thin, the so called gazelles. When they grow older they turn into 'Drianke's' with some more meat on their bones but western media def. has a big influence in Senegal and probably in Gambia as well. Personally i think the men there are attrckted to either skinny or a little extra meat but i dont think they are really into BIG BIG women. (Aug 22, 2013 | post #73)
All i can advice you is to get familiar with the culture and keep your eyes open. Follow your heart. Yes, there are genuine african men out there and mayby you found him. Still, even with a genuine man you will have to deal with cultural practises and a large family-in-law or 'friends' of his that can be demanding and controlling, that can potentionally change him or his behaviour, etc. We have had a lot of stress and problems due to familymembers getting involved in our life. Most of my family-in-law is demanding and old-fashioned (even for west-african stadards). Keep in mind that we have been together and living in the netherlands sinds 1994. They are 6000 km away and have a large influence. Its causing problems not because my husband is a scammer or not genuine, we dont have a lot of problems between us. It creates problems because in his culture you dont go against your family, especially your mother. What she wants is what is going to happen. I would say its very difficult for MOST african en to rise above that and say 'enough'. My family in law did not object our marriage. I personally think they were quite pleased that he got a european wife thinking it would benefit them. Too bad for them i was young when we married (i was 22, he was 32) and poor. My husband is the one bringing in the money and they have received nothing from me besides souvenirs or ocasionally a bottle of perfume/after shave, etc. Have you discussed how he sees the future? It is very important to hear this. As you know polygamy is acceptable there and he or his family may find him a gambian woman. Mayby he is already destined to marry a specific girl; if that is the case his family will feel it is a big problem if he now backs out because of you. Are you interested in having children with him? If not; that may cause problems as well. 99% of the men or their family want children. For africans it is generally difficult to be honest. I feel that they avoid confrontations and they will tell you what you want to hear instead of telling you the truth. This fact makes it hard to get to the bottom of things, even with genuine people. Honesty is often considered rude in their culture. (Aug 21, 2013 | post #58)
I am kinda in a rush here but I will post here later tonight.....been with a Senegalese man for nearly 20 years and I have some expierience with the culture, family in laws, ecpected behaviour and so on.... (Aug 21, 2013 | post #38)
There was slavery in africa before europeans stepped foot there. I think that made it easier for the europeans to set up a trade of this sort. I am not saying it was the right thing to do, on the contrary. I am just saying there were reasons for the fact that it was made possible and there are also reasons why the african nations today do not flourish. There is a lot of potential but the right additude is missing. (Aug 13, 2013 | post #212)
Signs to look out for are: frequent visits (every year or every 2 yrs), money being sent to the Gambia on a regular basis (especially when its the same amount every time), multiple phones and lots of calling, a weird behaving 'sister' or 'cousin' (although the wife may also be a cousin, lol) when you are with him there. Then again, all these signs may mean nothing... Signs of a Gambian wife may be bigger when you are (much) older than your boyfriends, when you met online or on holiday there and got together relatively quick but it can also happen to people of the same age of people that meet in Europe/the USA, etc. Some have a Gambian wife and are with the toubab wife for money or a visa. There are also men that do genuinly love their western partner but feel obliged to keep or take a Gambian wife because the family insists and they feel that they cant refuse. Marriages over there are usually not about lvoe, they are about security and family-ties. (Jul 25, 2013 | post #4579)
Its unfair that he was found innocent. Ridicuous rules and a ridiculous system... (Jul 14, 2013 | post #7)
There's a really interesting documentary out there regarding this issue in the Gambia area (Senegal)... http://www.youtube .com/watch?feature =player_embedded &v=fN-2-dOjMaA Its worth watching.. (Jul 2, 2013 | post #14)
I have never understood the converting part either. Why in the world would i change my beliefs for anyone. To this day my family in law bugs me about it.. You would think that after 19 years they would gice up. LOL. I am just a spiritual person with a christian background and no one will change that. I live a decent life and try to be a good person, not hurting people and caring for this planet. I can honestly say i life a better life than some prominent muslim or christian people... (Jun 29, 2013 | post #90)
I can totally relate to what you wrote CrazySexyCool. My husbands family has tried to give me a muslim name on numerous occasions but he made it clear i will NOT be using it. I am not a muslim and the name given by my parents is good enough for me. I told them through my husband that by using my real name they are respecting MY family's wishes. Our kids (we have 3) attend a christian school and my husband tells me some stuff about his muslim-beliefs but they are not raised into a specific religion. My husband also cooks. I can put some african dishes on the table but there are days when i dont hav the time and there are days where i just want to eat european or asian food. West-african food gets boring to me when i have to eat it on a daily basis. I do love Yassa, Mafe and spicey chicken though... (Jun 26, 2013 | post #910)
Funny to see you mention food Binta. My husband is not all that romantic either (neither am i) but he brings home the food that i like (grapes) or insists that i buy something for myself using his account. Stuff like that. Same goes for the kids, for him being a good dad is going to a schoolplay (that is really boring to him, lol) just to see them happy. But generally speaking, i think there are different reasons why africans are not-romantic: poverty, arranged marriages, another approach of life....Just to name a few. The husband shows his love by beign a good provider. The woman shows her love by cooking his favourite meal or by being obedient (ugh the sound of that). (Jun 18, 2013 | post #2131)
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