j-o-k-e-s

Since: Apr 09

2,020

Judged:

Irish Diving Joke

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards
they'd still be in The f*ckin' boat"

Since: Sep 08

2,256

Judged:

An Englisg man, an Irish man and a Scots man find a magic slide, The sign says whatever you may wish shoutout as you slide. The Englishman goes first and shouts BEER and he lands in it at the bottom, The scotsman goes next and shouts wisky and he lands in it. The irishman goes last and shouts WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and he lands in it!! Sorry lame I know.

QUANTUM MYSTIC

Since: Jul 09

199

United States

Judged:

Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Since: Apr 09

2,020

Judged:

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW'.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO'.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT '
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO'.
'FINE', SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK '
'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS'.
HE SAYS,'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!'
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..........
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
'HONEY', HE ASKS,'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID,'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
J UST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE'.
HE SAID,'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
SHE REPLIED,'HELLOOOOO..........
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

Since: Sep 08

2,256

Judged:

lol!!!!
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

Kate67

Since: Dec 06

1,390

Sendenhorst, Germany

BUNGEEGEE !!!!

Roflmao!
All jokes were great, but why did I have to laugh the loudest about the last one???

;o)

Too bad, I also know a lot of jokes, but if I'd translate them, they possibly wouldn't be funny anymore...
Well, I could google for one in your language.
;o)

Kate67

Since: Dec 06

1,390

Sendenhorst, Germany

Judged:

HEHE! Found one!

Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Bad Kate, bad Kate!!!

My apologies to all men here on this board.
;o)

Since: Sep 08

2,256

Judged:

lol, How about this, can be either men or women.

Why are men like carpet.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years.

Since: Apr 09

2,020

That's, "oh" (pardon the pun) so true.

Since: Apr 09

2,020

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Daddy-s Girl

Since: Jul 09

347

Stonehouse, UK

Judged:

I don’t know what joke to put here, I thought this is funny and you might heard it before! Lol! I laughed so much when I read this two months ago on the news.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11877...

Since: Sep 08

2,256

Judged:

In have a poem for you.

Mary had a little dress,
With a split right up the side,
Everywhere she went,
The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had a little dress,
With a split right up the front,
She didn't wear that one!!

Since: Apr 09

2,020

Judged:

Daddy-s Girl wrote:

I don’t know what joke to put here, I thought this is funny and you might heard it before! Lol! I laughed so much when I read this two months ago on the news.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11877...

That's so funny!

Reminds me of a street called "Pig Alley" that my husband's friend used to live on.

I don't care how nice the house is, I wouldn't live in it if my address was going to be Pig Alley.

Daddy-s Girl

Since: Jul 09

347

Stonehouse, UK

lol I’m glad you like the news, Andromeda!

Bungeegee, I loveeee your poem, now this is the kind of poem I would like to read! Hahahahaha!

Since: Apr 09

2,020

Bumper Stickers

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Wink, I’ll do the rest!

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Help wanted-telepath: you know where to apply

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film

A day without sunshine is like, night.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

Horn broken – watch for finger

Honk all you want, I’m deaf.

It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

Keep honking, I’m reloading

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy

Oh sure. But what’s the speed of dark?

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Been There – Shit Happened

Since: Sep 08

2,256

lol now that is funny, this is my fave bumper sticker.

What do you call a women with pmt and esp?
A bitch who knows everything!!

Schrodingers cat

Union City, CA

Q: How do two porcupines make love?

A: Very carefully.

And for my darling Andromeda,

Q: Why do Canadians do it doggie style?

A: So they can both watch the hockey game?

Schrodingers cat

Union City, CA

bungeegee wrote:

In have a poem for you.
Mary had a little dress,
With a split right up the side,
Everywhere she went,
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had a little dress,
With a split right up the front,
She didn't wear that one!!

Your joke reminds me of the play Galileo Galilei.
It is about how people do not welcome paradigm shifts. When science had the flat world becoming round it was a huge threat to the preveiling authorities and their widely held world view. There is a greek chorus and they sing.

Mary had a red dress on the dress is sh..ty and old.
Mary will keep the red dress on
Better sh..ty than cold.

(Everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.)

Since: Apr 09

2,020

Schrodingers cat wrote:

Q: How do two porcupines make love?

Q: Why do Canadians do it doggie style?
A: So they can both watch the hockey game?

Our reputation proceeds us! HAHA!

Since: Sep 08

2,256