Missouri child-support law change touches many issues

Responder wrote:

He still griped about having no control over how the money he paid was spent.

My goodness, you sound so bitter. I wonder why. Sounds like you made your own decisions and now you are bitter towards everyone who does'nt agree with you. I also thought you were an educated person, but now am having second thoughts. And to 'fighting dad' I completely understand your position. and 'sometimes we make decisions just because of 'the principal'

disgusted wrote:

<quoted text> My goodness, you sound so bitter. I wonder why. Sounds like you made your own decisions and now you are bitter towards everyone who does'nt agree with you. I also thought you were an educated person, but now am having second thoughts. And to 'fighting dad' I completely understand your position. and 'sometimes we make decisions just because of 'the principal'

He gripes about paying child support, about paying money while his child is in college - money that is but a pittance of the overall cost of college - and he wants to take that away from her becuase she didn't let him choose her college, or "control" her life's choices and you think I'm bitter?

Get a grip, babe. If this "fighting dad" - who is so full of himself - was close to being as obsessive about protecting the mistake that he made as a teenager that is so awful his FIRST wife cannot even bring herself to talk about it - then you might have a different story going on for the people.

Obviously you folks are second famiilies, who have strong feelings about the money that it costs to meet the spouse's first mistake or obligation. That is too bad, but the law is on the side of the first mistake or family, and it says that the man who made that mistake and first family must contribute to the cost. That this guy has changed worked to change the law from 21 to 18 as far as child support goes, only goes to prove that he is more into self than his child - of course, that child was a horrible mistake by his FIRST wife's own account. I think that explains it all.

You wish my life were bitter, it might make you feel better aboout your own. Sorry to disappoint you.

There are always two sides to these stories. Since this has taken on a life of its own, why doesn't Fighting Dad send that daughter her to review what her Fighting Dad thinks and let her add her thoughts? Now that would be interesting.

Any of you complaining about those first families and children - send them to this site and let them take a look at what you are saying about them. Think it's going to make their day?

Look to yourselves as to why you have these dynamics with your children and ex-families. You created them. Therapy would go a long way to helping you people past these road blocks in your lives.

STORY FROM A "FIRST" CHILD ABOUT HER DAD & COLLEGE TUITION

Posted by Alyssa on Wed, 05/07/2008 - 8:48am
My parent's move toward divorce started four years ago, right before I left for college. In some ways I have been fortunate, because I haven't been home through all the ups and downs.

Usually, during major holidays and other such events, my older sister and I split them between our parents. Christmas eve we usually have dinner with my dad, Christmas day is spent with my mom. Most of the time, major family events are tolerable but I have also had some awful experiences. Last summer, I attended my cousin's wedding with my father and sister. I spent the entire reception in the bathroom crying while my father led my distant relatives to believe I was upset over my no-show date. I was really upset that my Dad promised me, without fail, he would pay my education, no questions asked. By the end of last summer, he was using my tuition payments and me as a way to make my mom angrier, and add fuel to the fire.

This month I am graduating from college, and the traditions are not conducive to segmented families. Each family at my school rents a tent with their friends on the quad for festivities after commencement, which will inevitably force my parents under one roof for one more day. I have approached this situation with the mentality that, if everyone is prepared ahead of time, things will more likely run better. I have spoken with both my parents concerning their behavior at my graduation, asking to please not argue, and keep in mind that this is my graduation. As a result, my dad has agreed to avoid my mom and vice versa. This is the best that can be done for my situation right now but it's a good start.
__________

Sound familar?

EX FAMILIES WHO USE THEIR CHILDREN TO HURT EACH OTHER
When Ellen was planning her parents' 50th wedding anniversary, one of the most difficult things she faced was convincing her ex to switch vacation schedules so their son could attend the gala event in California.
"Bob is a rigid digit. I knew he was going to give me a hard time because he resents being shut out of my family. Bob loved my parents and he would have liked to attend their celebration which was never going to happen. Not if they wanted me there!"
The upshot is Bob stuck to his guns. The boy missed the party and was furious with his father.
For both parents and children, visitation is critical in establishing a healthy working relationship during and after divorce. A flexible visitation pattern demonstrates love and support for your child. Parents who cooperate are able to separate their spousal relationship from their parenting relationship. They use visitation as an opportunity for healing, not an opportunity for revenge.

Child Support Falling Short?
How To Make Ends Meet When Child Support Is Insufficient
Posted to Resource Articles by Elizabeth Cox on Mon, 04/28/2008 - 12:00pm
The saying goes that the face of poverty is a woman. Make that a divorced or single mother with insufficient child support. On average women experience a dramatic drop in their standard of living after divorce while a man's standard of living improves significantly.

Why the disparity?

First of all, because there is no financial value assigned to the time we tend to our children, this value is not computed in divorce agreements. There is no accounting for the opportunity cost of lost salary and career growth for the hours spent taking care of a child. Also, child support guidelines, which are determined state by state, are not intended to cover all costs associated with raising a child and often fall far short. They take into account the cost of food, housing, clothing, and some healthcare expenses. But they do not cover a range of other expenses from after school activities like music lessons or sport lessons to vacations, or restaurant meals to school supplies. These expenses rise significantly as children get older.

The sad truth is that if a caregiver mother suffers financially, so does her child. And the human story behind this financial story is heart wrenching. One of my clients described how her child went from a comfortable standard of living to below the poverty line virtually overnight. The child was afraid to tell her that he'd outgrown his sneakers. Another said her daughter declined invitations to go to the movies with her friends because she didn't want to have to ask for movie money. In both cases, the father was making over $200,000 per year!

By Diana Shepherd

You read about them every day: so-called "Deadbeat Dads and Moms" who refuse to pay child support even though they're living in the lap of luxury. There they are, jetting off to Hawaii again without a thought for their offspring who go to school hungry and in ragged old clothes. But how accurate is this picture?

"The true 'Deadbeat' parent is quite rare," says Nancy Caruso Pascucci, a Chicago mediator, attorney, and an adjunct professor at the DePaul University College of Law. "If the non-custodial parent can't pay, there's usually a good financial reason for it: he or she has lost a job, agreed to more than he or she could really afford to pay in the settlement, or has remarried and has a new family to support."

Pascucci cites the example of one of her clients who -- before he hired her -- agreed to pay 70% of his net earnings to his ex for child support, and now doesn't have enough to live on. This situation is obviously unfair, but it's part of his legal separation agreement and he has to go back to court to try to get it changed. To avoid getting yourself into such a fix, Pascucci advises you to consult an attorney before signing any documents. "Your attorney can go over the ramifications of an agreement before you sign it," she says, "so you'll know exactly what you're agreeing to."

"Large, frequent doses of media attention, legislative scrutiny, and public outrage have made child support the most debated and least understood aspect of family law," writes Chicago attorney Jeffery M. Leving in his excellent book Fathers' Rights. "The child support system is not working -- not for parents, not for children, and not for society," he concludes.

Gene is a 35-year-old man who has been wrangling with his ex-wife about child support for and access to their eight-year-old daughter, Katy, for the past three years. "I'm in and out of court all the time," he says bitterly. "I've already spent more on legal fees than I would have had to spend to support Katy to age 18 -- about $200,000." Gene stopped paying child support 15 months after his ex, Mary, stopped allowing him to see their daughter. "She hauls me into court regarding payment, and I haul her into court regarding access. I was a great father -- she only denies access to yank my chain. Do you really think it's in Katy's best interests that she grow up without knowing her father?" Probably not -- but is it in her best interests to grow up without adequate financial support, either? Studies show that the children who adjust best to divorce are those who remain in close contact with both parents -- as long as those parents are not in constant conflict. So assuming that Gene and Mary can agree to resolve their issues with each other -- through counseling, therapy, or mediation, for instance -- Gene is correct in thinking that it would be in Katy's best interests to have regular, positive contact with her father. But until that happens, Gene must separate his anger at Mary from his obligations to Katy and start making child-support payments again.

Although some divorcing parents try to combine the two issues, the law says that child support and access are independent covenants. And rightly so: otherwise, an abusive parent could refuse to pay support unless the custodial parent allowed their child to spend time with him or her.
__________

I think my point is made. Don't forget to wipe your butts when you get off those pity pots. Watch for my ad about Brian Baker's law.
Adieu.

Mom of 3 wrote:

<quoted text>
One more thing - When my husband filed the emancipation papers because his daughter didn't meet the requirements anymore, we were given a court date for the case to be discused before a judge. We didn't get into court until 1 year after he filed the papers. You might find you prolong your situation by filing the papers...you might ask an attorney that too.

Thanks for your input Mom of 3. I will wait it out, rather than open a can of worms. My ex likes to play hard ball, and I don't want to have to go through the hassles of haggling over all of this, only for me to lose out in the long run. It will cost me a few more months of CS + insurance, sure, but if that's the way the law is set up, I will just have to accept it and deal with it. I'll hang onto all of my paperwork and wait it out until the timing is right (October 2). What's interesting though, is that most colleges, etc., start in August! I don't know of any that begin in September anymore. So, I question why they set it up for October 1. But, I suppose the powers that be wanted to give the kids leeway for late enrollment. Oh well. Again, thanks for your input. Here's another question. I wonder if she will have to pay back those 4 months of CS, plus interest, after October 1? RSMo Chapter 452, Section 452.370, No. 4 reads:
"Unless otherwise agreed in writing or expressly provided in the judgment, provisions for the support of a child are terminated by emancipation of the child [that would be June 1 if she graduates on May 31]. The parent entitled to receive child support shall have the duty to notify the parent obligated to pay support of the child's emancipation and failing to do so, the parent entitled to receive child support shall be liable to the parent obligated to pay support for child support paid following emancipation of a minor child, plus interest." That makes it sound like she should pay back the money for those 4 months after graduation.

Responder wrote:

By Diana Shepherd
You read about them every day: so-called "Deadbeat Dads and Moms" who refuse to pay child support even though they're living in the lap of luxury. There they are, jetting off to Hawaii again without a thought for their offspring who go to school hungry and in ragged old clothes. But how accurate is this picture?
"The true 'Deadbeat' parent is quite rare," says Nancy Caruso Pascucci, a Chicago mediator, attorney, and an adjunct professor at the DePaul University College of Law. "If the non-custodial parent can't pay, there's usually a good financial reason for it: he or she has lost a job, agreed to more than he or she could really afford to pay in the settlement, or has remarried and has a new family to support."
Pascucci cites the example of one of her clients who -- before he hired her -- agreed to pay 70% of his net earnings to his ex for child support, and now doesn't have enough to live on. This situation is obviously unfair, but it's part of his legal separation agreement and he has to go back to court to try to get it changed. To avoid getting yourself into such a fix, Pascucci advises you to consult an attorney before signing any documents. "Your attorney can go over the ramifications of an agreement before you sign it," she says, "so you'll know exactly what you're agreeing to."
"Large, frequent doses of media attention, legislative scrutiny, and public outrage have made child support the most debated and least understood aspect of family law," writes Chicago attorney Jeffery M. Leving in his excellent book Fathers' Rights. "The child support system is not working -- not for parents, not for children, and not for society," he concludes.
Gene is a 35-year-old man who has been wrangling with his ex-wife about child support for and access to their eight-year-old daughter, Katy, for the past three years. "I'm in and out of court all the time," he says bitterly. "I've already spent more on legal fees than I would have had to spend to support Katy to age 18 -- about $200,000." Gene stopped paying child support 15 months after his ex, Mary, stopped allowing him to see their daughter. "She hauls me into court regarding payment, and I haul her into court regarding access. I was a great father -- she only denies access to yank my chain. Do you really think it's in Katy's best interests that she grow up without knowing her father?" Probably not -- but is it in her best interests to grow up without adequate financial support, either? Studies show that the children who adjust best to divorce are those who remain in close contact with both parents -- as long as those parents are not in constant conflict. So assuming that Gene and Mary can agree to resolve their issues with each other -- through counseling, therapy, or mediation, for instance -- Gene is correct in thinking that it would be in Katy's best interests to have regular, positive contact with her father. But until that happens, Gene must separate his anger at Mary from his obligations to Katy and start making child-support payments again.
Although some divorcing parents try to combine the two issues, the law says that child support and access are independent covenants. And rightly so: otherwise, an abusive parent could refuse to pay support unless the custodial parent allowed their child to spend time with him or her.
__________
I think my point is made. Don't forget to wipe your butts when you get off those pity pots. Watch for my ad about Brian Baker's law.
Adieu.

What point? You are all full of words, but nothing is coming out.

Responder wrote:

Child Support Falling Short?
How To Make Ends Meet When Child Support Is Insufficient
Posted to Resource Articles by Elizabeth Cox on Mon, 04/28/2008 - 12:00pm
The saying goes that the face of poverty is a woman. Make that a divorced or single mother with insufficient child support. On average women experience a dramatic drop in their standard of living after divorce while a man's standard of living improves significantly.
Why the disparity?
First of all, because there is no financial value assigned to the time we tend to our children, this value is not computed in divorce agreements. There is no accounting for the opportunity cost of lost salary and career growth for the hours spent taking care of a child. Also, child support guidelines, which are determined state by state, are not intended to cover all costs associated with raising a child and often fall far short. They take into account the cost of food, housing, clothing, and some healthcare expenses. But they do not cover a range of other expenses from after school activities like music lessons or sport lessons to vacations, or restaurant meals to school supplies. These expenses rise significantly as children get older.
The sad truth is that if a caregiver mother suffers financially, so does her child. And the human story behind this financial story is heart wrenching. One of my clients described how her child went from a comfortable standard of living to below the poverty line virtually overnight. The child was afraid to tell her that he'd outgrown his sneakers. Another said her daughter declined invitations to go to the movies with her friends because she didn't want to have to ask for movie money. In both cases, the father was making over $200,000 per year!

In these cases, the mother must have had a terrible attorney. I can come up with articles of how ex's abuse the system too. Use the kids as pawns and take the NCP for all they're worth. But I won't because we all know it's out there.

Responder wrote:

<quoted text>
He gripes about paying child support, about paying money while his child is in college - money that is but a pittance of the overall cost of college - and he wants to take that away from her becuase she didn't let him choose her college, or "control" her life's choices and you think I'm bitter?
Get a grip, babe. If this "fighting dad" - who is so full of himself - was close to being as obsessive about protecting the mistake that he made as a teenager that is so awful his FIRST wife cannot even bring herself to talk about it - then you might have a different story going on for the people.
Obviously you folks are second famiilies, who have strong feelings about the money that it costs to meet the spouse's first mistake or obligation. That is too bad, but the law is on the side of the first mistake or family, and it says that the man who made that mistake and first family must contribute to the cost. That this guy has changed worked to change the law from 21 to 18 as far as child support goes, only goes to prove that he is more into self than his child - of course, that child was a horrible mistake by his FIRST wife's own account. I think that explains it all.
You wish my life were bitter, it might make you feel better aboout your own. Sorry to disappoint you.

Never did I say anyone or anything was a mistake...ever! Go ahead and twist and manipulate to try and make a point...I am not responding to you anymore...you have no valid points and are only into personally attacking people! I hope and pray that one day you will understand that judging people is not your job and you will be the one judged in the end.

Some minds are like concrete . Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

I used to rent a room out in my house for over $200 a month. Now that room has a child in it. Lost invcome. Music lessons; instruments; Lost income from shorter hours because of soccer, grocery runs, church functions for young people, etc. Home to supervise homework. It will pay off in the long run as my child will be independent, but for now, I don't think Dad's figure in the cost. And I helped with a lot of money for college but that too will pay off, rather than having a child at a lackluster job or in jail.

Most wrote:

parents help their children through college-why souldn't support continue until they are done? Gonna wind up with even more dropouts if this law goes through-why stay in school if there's no hope of a higher education?

harrumph wrote:

I used to rent a room out in my house for over $200 a month. Now that room has a child in it. Lost invcome. Music lessons; instruments; Lost income from shorter hours because of soccer, grocery runs, church functions for young people, etc. Home to supervise homework. It will pay off in the long run as my child will be independent, but for now, I don't think Dad's figure in the cost. And I helped with a lot of money for college but that too will pay off, rather than having a child at a lackluster job or in jail. <quoted text>

Bravo, harrumph! It's about people who bring a child into the world and stand by that child, unconditional love and positive outcomes.
__________

Continuing enmity between divorced or separated parents also brings out behavioral and emotional problems in children. When parents complain about each other, children often interpret those statements and the emotions behind them as anger toward them. Their desire to remain loyal to and loved by each parent leaves children in a painful bind. To please one parent they feel they must hurt or lie to the other.

This stress is reflected in several studies that have shown that children from intact families do better both academically and socially on average than those from divorced families.

"The children of divorced parents who do the worst socially and in school are those who are denied access to one of their parents, who are asked to spy and report back on their noncustodial parents, or who are involved as pawns in continuing animosity between the parents," said Dr. John Guidubaldi, a professor of school psychology and counseling at Kent State University in Ohio. "These are forms of psychological abuse of the children."

Susan wrote:

I hate Missouri. Everything about the state. I will never buy Budweiser. I will never vacation in the Ozarks. I will never cheer for the Cardinals and I think Branson is a joke. If I have to add 2 hours of drive time, I will in order not to drive thru Missouri. I will not stop at their restaurants, gas stations, souvenir shops or amusement parks. West Virginia is looking better and better.

Thank goodness for that. I don't know about the rest of Missourians, but I won't miss you.

Mom of 3 wrote:

Some minds are like concrete . Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

And you said you had nothing else to say. You should really take Suzanne up on that invite to go to TX. Sounds like you two girls have a lot in common.

Why I support child support reform - Part 1
I was never more proud of my oldest daughter than the day she graduated from high school. She had been a good student and was looking forward to the future. At the same time, she appeared to be struggling with what it means to be an adult. One minute she wanted to be completely independent and not have anyone “tell her what to do” and the next minute she wanted to be taken care of. Her role confusion was not foreign to me as I recalled my own struggles with becoming a parent at the age of 18 when I still felt like a kid myself. I’ve tried to be a good listener for my daughter and encourage her to consider all of her options for the future. My daughter decided she wanted to pursue higher education in hopes of one day becoming a doctor. Now, as a father I want to encourage my daughter to pursue her dreams but I have to admit that I wasn’t convinced that med school was the right fit for my daughter. However, keeping my misgivings to myself, I encouraged my daughter to apply for college admissions. While my personal preference would have been for my daughter to start classes at a community college and then move to a 4-year school, she opted to enroll in a 4-year university program. I helped her move into the dorm and made sure that she had the books and supplies she needed to succeed. I continued to stay in touch with my daughter and her reports about school were positive. My daughter stated that classes were great and that she was doing well academically. Unfortunately, I later learned that this was not the case. My daughter was failing most of her classes. At the end of her first semester, her GPA was so low that she was placed on Academic suspension. One of my frustrations as a parent is that I am paying for part of my daughter’s tuition, however I not permitted access to her grades. Please understand that I am not saying that one semester of academic struggles means that I would give up on my child pursuing a college education. However, having that knowledge in the beginning might have helped me to intervene by encouraging her to take fewer classes, reconsider community college, arrange for a tutor, encourage my daughter to meet with an advisor, something. My daughter managed to make it through the next semester with better grades, not strong enough to prevent academic probation but good enough to prevent dismissal. Unfortunately, things got worse the next semester and my daughter failed out of school. During this time she began acting out and I encouraged her to participate in family counseling with me. I wanted desperately to help her, but my daughter chose to drop out of counseling after only two sessions. Counseling had been eye-opening for me though. My daughter was in denial about her future. She continued to talk about becoming a doctor. Any attempt on my part to encourage vocational school or employment was met with accusations that I did not believe in her. I was informed by my daughter that I was obligated to support her both financially and emotionally in whatever she wanted to do and that it was her life and I have no say.

Why I advocate for child support reform - Part 2
I am very concerned about my daughter’s future. I want her to be happy, secure and a productive member of society. I worry about her future since she has done so poorly in school. I imagine that it must be very frustrating for her to have done so poorly in college when she had such good grades in high school. I would like to be a dad who can help her problem-solve this situation and offer guidance and support, but it has been impossible to be this dad when I have been kept in the dark about so many things, especially her schooling. I was led to believe that she was doing well in school and was disappointed to learn that the opposite is the case. I believe that my daughter’s concern about losing child support contributed to her deception, and it’s the deception that has strained my relationship with my daughter. I love my daughter, but I don’t like her choices. And what is my daughter learning? To date my daughter has not learned that failing classes and deceiving others has consequences. Even though the statute states that my daughter is responsible for maintaining passing grades and providing me with copies of these grades, she has not been held accountable for failing to do so. Will an employer look the other way when she disregards a workplace policy? Would the police look the other way if she chose to violate a law? I am worried sick that my daughter is not learning important life lessons and may pay the consequences in the future.

I imagine that many families in Missouri struggle with the growing pains associated with graduating from high school, leaving the family nest and making decisions about college. Most families sit down together and discuss options and make decisions together as a family. If a young adult chooses to attend an expensive private university when the parents have stated they can only afford community college, it is an adult choice and the young adult may have to utilize work study programs or student loans to support that choice. If a parent is helping pay for college and the student is chronically skipping classes or refuses to share grades with the parent, the parent can choose to withdraw financial support to help teach the young adult child an important lesson about responsibility and the real-world consequences of making poor choices. Or the parent could insist on tutoring or a reduced schedule to help the young adult succeed and ensure a return on the parent’s investment in the education. However, as a parent who fathered a child out-of-wedlock, I do not have these choices and opportunities to parent my young adult daughter as other families.

I just want to be a good dad. Good dads don’t turn a blind eye when their kids are in trouble. Good dads don’t just ignore being rejected and lied to. Good dads teach their kids that deception and lies have natural consequences. I don’t know how to get my daughter to listen to me or to be willing to talk and try to move forward. I’m at a point where I’m trying to be a good dad even though she may not understand what I’m trying to do. I’m not rejecting her but I am saying that I am not OK with some of her recent actions. And sometimes a good dad has to give a grown child some space to make their own mistakes but then be there when the child recognizes their mistakes, like the father in the story of the prodigal son. I pray that God will help her work through what she is going through so that she can get to the place where she’s willing to make more positive choices. I love my daughter. I want what is best for her. I will always be her dad even when things are hard. I only want the opportunity to be the dad I need to be and have the opportunity to interact with my adult daughter as an adult. Thank you so much for listening to my story.

Concerned Dad,
Undergraduate school is a time of learning life's lessons, which will serve a young person well in life. Medical school is an ambitious plan for a young person to have for his or her self. I agree that it is a plan that requires much planning and commitment to the choice that young person makes.
However, you take your daughter's first year of college much too seriously. It is a time of self-discovery, and as parents we're not as much a part of that self-discovery process as are the new acquaintances, the professors, and the new environment. That she chose a four year college over a community is a reflection of the environment that she envisions herself in. With or without your rules, that environment will have rules they place upon her and that she will have to constantly raise the bar of her academic accomplishments to meet.
Being put on academic suspension is very serious, of course. But it does not necessarily mean that your daughter's ambitions for herself are failing. It means - unless there are other issues at hand - that she made as ambitious a schedule for herself as are her goals for herself in the long run, instead of a balanced first term course schedule that allows her room to complete her academic assignments and to enjoy and explore the culture and social aspects of her new environment.
I have an opportunity to work with many young students on a regular basis. I always encourage them to balance their first year, first semester course load with a less demanding pre-requisite, and an elective, like drawing, or painting that gives them an aesthetic break and helps them relax, and perhaps even find a creative outlet for the tension and stress of the workload they will be experiencing as they move forward.
No college wants to see a student fail out. They're about being paid to educate young people. She can turn it around.
There are ways you can help her without being intrusive. To be frank with you, you have expressed some issues that come into play here. It is a valid concern that you have about your daughter's inability to turn to you in an honest and forthright way and have an adult conversation or seek guidance. Before you can help her, you have to understand yourself, and who you are. It sounds that you are both confused, really.
Put into play these other dynamics, and who knows what went wrong or where or with whom. The first step to helping your daughter have the relationship with you that you want is to gain insight into who you are. Therapy can help you do that. It can be a personal journal of discovery and revelation. Make this moment about you, for a moment, and see where it leads you to. Then, reapproach your daughter, reinvite her into your life in an adult relationship. Be a role model for her, take the first step to making life less confusing.
Her life's goal may change for herself several times during the first two years. After that, the university expects her to make a commitment by declaring her major - until then, they know she's going to discover things about herself academically that will perhaps change her direction - maybe a lot - durinjg those first two years.

Going into the sciences is a completely different direction early in academic requisites, and it is a heavy load. If she learns to balance her load in a way that doesn't overwhelm her, she might make it. She's going to need you along the way. You sound as though you want to be there for her - prepare for that by preparing yourself and learning who you are and perhaps that will both create insight into why she does not at this point find you approachable, and perhaps learn how to be approachable for her.
I hope it works out for you. I hope she discovers who she is - support her, assist her in paying as much as you can afford to give her - she's been around this long, she is very much aware of what you can afford to help her with. My guess is that college loans are not something she wouldn't consider. She's lived at a certain economic level this long, so she's aware of what you can do.
Prayers and best wishes for you both.