You are right. A lot of abuse went unreported because no one would listen and naturally not all children lie. I'm so sorry that you were abused.Just because a little child can believe in Superman or the easter bunny does not mean she or he automatically lies about abuse, I was abused as a little child, but never reported it because in those days no one would listen. So it's not an automatic that the child would be lying. Better not to leave the guy alone with the child just in case.
Orlando Sentinel
Man's insistence on not being alone with girl, 5, makes sense
- Posted in the Orlando Sentinel Forum
Comments (Page 12)
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Not as sad as the holier-than-thou strangers who think they know more about this woman's children than she does, based on a couple of comments made on a public website. Get over yourself!! |
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ABC... yours is an awesome story. Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm so sorry your parents were so bad to you and humiliated you like that.
There is no cure for NPD except for abandoning them. You have to, just to save yourself. NPD people have no compassion or care for anyone. They live soley for themselves and only shed a tear when abandoned. My husband had an affair with a woman with NPD and (when it ended) we tried to pick op the pieces of our marriage. She wrote letters to me outing everything he ever told her during the affair (11 pages of BS) and letters to him and she'd do drive-bys. She would do things like vandalize our trucks, broke the windows & the lights. She put rifle rounds in the gas tank of my truck. Sugar in the tank of his truck. She took my sons dog (a pug he had during our divorce, a big loss for him on top of the problems at home) She also graffitiied our deceased sons memorial (auto accident at 17) something like I'll never see my son for all the sins I've done, and she also wrote anonymous letters in an attempt to have child services to get our babies taken away... all for spite because my husband dumped her. I've lived like that for years, tried to get restraining orders, but she would just deny it and say I was jealous of her. The victimizer becomes the victim.(her names Vicki, I dubbed her Vicki the Viktim.) I just wanted you to know that I know that battle you had with an NPD so I thought I'd share mine with you! OMFG What a nightmare!!! |
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As a man who has no children of his but does have nieces, including daughters of close friends who I count as a niece as well, I completely and totally disagree with Amy on this one. When I see one of my nieces who come running and jump into my arms, I have to be cognizant of where I place my hands when I hold them. That's in fear of some adult who might ask them someday, "has anyone ever touched you somewhere they shouldn't"? They then innocently reply," Uncle Jeffs' hand touched my butt". Now all of a sudden I'm accused of being a molester. Because believe me, these people won't bother finding out the truth first. And no, this has not happened to me, but I'm sure some other guy has been accused of it.
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Dear Amy,
Your response to "Man's insistence on not being alone with girl, 5, makes sense" was TOTALLY idiotic. I would never leave my 5 year old alone with a grown man nor would I encourage "playing around" either. I have three sons in their late twenties and early thirties who often date woman with small children; my advice to them from day one was to NEVER be alone with the child and to avoid too much physical interaction with the children. This man is not being punitive towards a little girl. He is protecting himself. He is avoiding even the slightest appearance of any impropriety. He is being smart. As you stated in your answer "Most of what young children say has some basis in reality. You should believe your niece...." actually makes the boyfriend's point. Most people will believe "something happened" and the boyfriend would have to live with other people's perception of "where there is smoke there must be fire". We as a society must err on the side of the child but children do often say things which have NO basis in fact - they imagine all sorts of things which have no reality except that it might have been seen or heard on TV or from another child. The boyfriend is not punishing the child by insisting that he not be alone with this little girl or any other child for that matter he protecting himself from any possibility of an unfounded accusation. He is simply refusing to have physical contact and to be left alone with this child. I have two questions for these parents and the aunt: 1.) "Why would you want leave your 5 year old child alone with a grown man? 2.) Why would you encourage physical horseplay between a 5 year old and a grown man? Sincerely, Better Safe than Sorry |
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While your right that it happens, I don't know of anyone that has been a victim of this type of crime. That problem begets another problem -- for men that actually care, and have never abused a child (or adult) in this manner.
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It is a real problem these days, that whatever a child says is believed, and a man can deny any accusation until he is blue in the face to no avail. Just being falsely accused of violent or sexual contact with a child can have a devastating and permanent effect on a man and his relationships with friends and family.
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Amy, your response to LW1 contributes to the huge problem of society's paranoia about child sexual abuse. Absolutely this man needs to protect himself. Children with "vivid imaginations" can do untold damage to innocent adults who are generally assumed to be guilty until proven innocent. My beloved boyfriend is in just a situation where a couple of totally innocent incidents have been blown entirely out of proportion by his ex-wife to the point where the courts and social workers have forced him to be supervised at all times with his children because it's "better to be safe than sorry." It appears he may never be able to convince these people that he is not a threat to his children. Even proclaiming his innocence gets him branded as being "in denial" about his "problem." Meanwhile, several years of forced therapy with a sex offender specialist (and no, he was never charged or convicted of anything) have resulted in this professional declaring that he is without a doubt no danger to his children. No matter. The courts still side with his vindictive ex-wife who continues to perpetuate the hysteria. This happens, Amy. And it happens all over the country. You are completely out of touch about this tragic problem.
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OK, got throught 140 of 230 posts before I pooped out.
Re: "Kids not lying"--my own son, when he was about 5 told me that he didn't want to back to the babysitter's house because she hit him. I, of course, had to ask her about it; she was horrified. Of course, she didn't hit him. After more questions, it turned out that he really didn't like going to the babysitter's; it was noisy and he didn't like my leaving him there when I went to work once a week. We worked it out, but she didn't hit him, and he DID lie. He knew the idea of anyone hitting him would upset me and he hoped to get what he wanted out of it--not having to stay there. RE False accusations. Years and years ago (like 25+) a guy I was dating had, a few months earlier, been babysitting for a couple of friends' kids. We were all in a theatre group together, all friends, and they trusted him with their daughters ,aged 8 and 10 or thereabouts. He was giving them their baths when the wife's sister walked in and freaked out, accusing him of touching the girls' genitalia, etc. Eventually, everything worked out, but he never babysat for them or any other child ever again. Maybe the parents should have given baths before they left? He was doing what he was asked to do, washing their bodies, and his actions were misconstrued. He and the parents were really trumatized by it all. When I was a public high school teacher, I never had a student in my classroom when I didn't have the door opened. I never wanted anything to be misconstrued. There is just too much going on these days for an adult to even give the appearance of impropriety. Like everyone else I've read, I agree that Amy wasn't thinking when she answered that letter. Any adult has to be Caesar's wife these days, a cop, a teacher, a minister, a doctor especially. |
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“Lloyd Center Rose in RoseCity”
Joined: Feb 25, 2008
Comments: 774
PDX in the Great NorthWet
ISP Location:
Portland, OR
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You okay EEE? It's been a bad day all over. Hope you'll be feeling better. |
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“A Good Usama”
Joined: Dec 10, 2006
Comments: 222
ISP Location:
Oviedo, FL
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I agree with the majority that LW1 is right to protect himself and Amy is offbase in accusing him of anything.
But now I'm going to go out on a limb: Why are parents giving their 5 year old girls to strange men to care for them? The parents permitted the aunt to give the girl to her boyfriend? Since when did a boyfriend of an aunt represent a safe family member? How far removed do parents have to be before they raise a flag of concern: waiting for Uncle Ernie as he fiddles about?(The Who's Tommy reference). In today's world, parents should be MORE cautious, not more careless. Oh God, save the little children. |
Excellent post, Polarity. As usual. |
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Absolutely, kbaan. Lori's comments are so arrogant, they're ridiculous. Frankly, I strongly agree with Stone Thrower - at least as regard's Aderryn's daughter. She sounds like a helluva mom, and her daughter will, God willing (sorry, Stone Thrower :)~~) turn out to be a helluva woman. |
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LW-1 "He can't be trusted to treat her well"???
WTF brought this response on? What exactly did the man do to deserve that "advice"? He's being very wise to take the position he has. |
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The Context: I used to work in a East Coast homeless drop-in center. We had two rules, one of which was "No Drugs Allowed". If we suspected someone was high and they denied it, we would bring them into the staff bathroom and wait while they want into the stall and peed in a cup (gross as it sounds, we had to listen. I am an expert now at knowing if I'm hearing actual pee, or someone pouring a clean sample from a bottle).
We ALWAYS had another staff person present for this, and at least one of the staff person had to be the same sex/gender as the client.(FYI, the client could refuse, but it's like refusing a breathalyzer from the cops, presumed guilt). The Point: You have to protect yourelf. I wouldn't go so far as to say that no men should be alone with an unrelated child (both my brothers have babysat), but if you can reasonably expect the child might say something misinterpreted or out of context, you should take precautions to avoid that happening. Do we really think there is more abuse nowadays or just that we hear about it more? I'm tired. And I can't wait for vacation... 11 days with no internet! Wheeeeee! |
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The advice on this one was way out of line. I am a 56 year old grandmother, and I would not be alone with a child who similarly accused me of such a thing. The child has a "vivid imagination?" What if she imagines something even worse? Even his career in law enforcement is at risk. If I were him, I would absolutely refuse to be alone with the child. And why is a "boyfriend" expected to babysit alone with this child anyway? Let's see, the parents are willing to leave thier child alone with a man who she says has threatened to punch her. They are in effect calling her a liar. I can assure you that if that scenario had happened with my child, "chalk it up to a misunderstanding" or not, I would not risk it. There are so many things wrong with this letter, and so many things wrong with the answer. It all really defies rational understanding, from the question, to the advice. My advice would be to the boyfriend - run for the hills.
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The law enforcement officer is correct. when a child makes an allegation it is assumed to be true. And lives are destroyed. Just ask the McMartin defendants. Fantasy allegations of underground dungeons were accepted as fact. And people spent years in prison as a result before exoneration. Law enforcement people recognize this reality. Consequently, they won't put themselves in such vulnerable positions. A single unsupported allegation of molestation results is ruin. It is sad. But I would never counsel a client to do anything other than what the law enforcement officer requested: No contact whatsoever with the child without an independent witness being present.
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Dear Amy:
I thought the advice you gave to Helpless and Clueless was unwise and a little insensitive. These days, a child can do devestating things to a man with a few words spoken on a whim, especially a man in law enforcement. Her boyfriend took the right steps to protect himself by refusing to play with and be left alone with a child who had made such a statement about him. While the child is not to blame, if she were to make future statements, in a court of law the fact that he continued to play with her or allow her to be alone with him after she made supposedly false statements could be damning. It is unfortunate that men must sometimes repress their human instinct to be affectionate towards children when it comes to someone else's kids, but it is a small price to pay for a child's safety and her parents' peace if mind. Better than thousands of dollars in lawyers fees and the damage it would cause to his reputation and dignity, not to mention the trauma it would cause the child, if her parent's decided to press charges. Don't judge a man for refusing to take that risk and protecting himself at the expense of a child's play time. And if Helpless and Clueless sees this as a problem and a potential relationship ender, maybe her boyfriend would be better off with someone a little more understanding of the differences between a socially acceptable relationship between a child and a woman and a child and a man. |
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I'd be mad too if I were you. You were betrayed for sure. Just don't let it bring you down too much, it's not your fault your family made the choices they did. They should suffer as a result, not you.:) ------- And to AMY, the fact this cop is willing to take steps protect himself in such a manner makes him MORE appealing not less. He seems to have integrity, which makes him a "keeper" in my book. |
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I think you are off base in your first comment. The man's decision not to be alone with this 5 year old again is not a sign of immaturity. This kid's "vivid imagination" could put him in prison.
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