Come on...Tell me a joke

When a young person intended to go to medical
school, they had to pass an exam.

One of the questions was "Rearrange
the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors... The rest
ended up in Congress.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers dont ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 3-10 [small] a 3-20[medium] or a 3-30[large]. The word condom won't even be used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said: "3-50."
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes !!!!" she said " He's got one hanging there ....!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 ..........

He's the Window cleaner!"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A middle aged wife had just returned from her doctor visit.

She was overly excited about the new handsome doctor that replaced the old one, and she was on the phone rambling about it to her best friend.

Little did she know, her husband was in the next room listening to every word.

She finally hung up and bounced through the kitchen and into the living room where he sat, reading the paper.

Oblivious that he heard her entire phone conversation, she proceeded to tell him about her great bill of health:

"Honey, guess what? The doctor said I have the skin of a 22 year old!"

Husband: "Really..."

Wife: "Yes! He also said I have the lips of a 20 year old!"

Husband: "Is that right?"

Wife: "Yes! He also said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!"

The husband is now fuming. He then asks, "So what did he say about that 60 year old ass of yours?"

She replies, "Oh, he didn't say anything about you, dear."

A wife heard from a friend about the new fad. It was a pill women take that tightens up the vaginal area. Guaranteed results, the ad said. In two weeks, your lover will think you are much younger down there.

She immediately went to the pharmacy and spent $59.99 on the miracle product.

Day after day, she kept inspecting her "area" hoping for results, but not seeing any, much like the teenager who lifts weights and runs to the mirror but seeing no muscle.

On week two, as the ad guaranteed, she couldn't see the results herself. She decided to make love with her husband and see if he notices anything different. Same ol same ol. He didn't say anything. Regular old routine.

She continued to take the product and decided to give it one more week. On that third week, she was in the bedroom inspecting the "area" again.

She was bent over, spreading it, then releasing, spreading, releasing. She really couldn't get a good look at it from that angle, so she got the handheld mirror from the dresser and put it in the floor. Now she could stand over the mirror and see exactly what it looked like.

She was in the middle of this process when her husband rushed in and grabbed his tie off the bed and was heading back out the door.

On his way out, he said,"Bye honey! See you after work! And remind me to fix that big hole in the floor. I see how you were standing over it. I get the hint!"

I see on the news that less than half the people in my county has electricity, kids are wandering about without adult supervision, and the roads are lined with trash and abandoned vehicles.

So it looks like things are back to normal around here.

Hoof Arted 'i' gota warn "U"-set down and relax-maybe even have a drink or 2...
now that 'i' got'cha all hyper and tense 'i'll go find a joke that matches this pretense

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

I hear Tom Cruise will soon be Holmesless.

LOL HH

Drinking And Driving

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar, up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label, and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch."

My neighbor said they use a kindle to read at night. When I said that I prefer regular books, he said "Vot are you tolking about? We've been vithout electricity for four days and haff to light a kindle to see."

What's the difference between my TV remote and Washington D.C?

My TV remote still has its triple A.

I took my favorite boots to a new shoe shop and said "I want these soled."

When I went back a week later he gave me $15 and said "I sold them."

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.

Yesterday I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and
asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l
d-dildoes h-here?" The saleman, somewhat taken aback by the
little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes,
Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10
inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout
th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are
an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

Oh Lawd HH!

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2012 tax return showing that I
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @$2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @$1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

After a long day at work, the husband comes home, kicks his shoes off, and stretches out in his recliner. As he clicks the tv remote, he yells into the kitchen, "Honey, will you bring me a beer before it starts?"

She comes in the room and hands him a beer and heads back into the kitchen.

Just a matter of seconds later, he yells again, "Honey, could you bring me another beer before it starts? Boy I was thirsty!"

She returns with beer in hand. She passes it off and back to the kitchen she goes.

Seemingly as soon as she entered the kitchen, he yells again, "Honey, how bout one more beer before it starts?"

She storms into the living room with her hands on her hips. She let him have it: "I could really care less how hard your day was! I could care less how damn thirsty you are! Who do you think you are ordering me around as soon as you get home?!?"

He clasped his hands over his chest and said, "Fuངk! It's started!"

Funny as hell !!