Come on...Tell me a joke

Adam and Eve were alone in the garden of EDEN..

Eve asked Adam, "ADAM, do you 'really' love me?"

Adam shrugged his shoulders and replied. "WHO ELSE?"

THen the sheep sounded off,, "BAAA"....

Then Adam said "Bay bay, you know I am true to only you... HEre,, count my ribs, if you do not believe me."

Pat and Murphy were fishing and yes Pat netted a wee people. Well the leprechaun says " IF YOU LET ME GO I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH ONLY " well before Murphy could confer with Pat, Patty says " I WISH THIS LAKE WAS IRISH BEER" phoof the lake is beer and phoof the leprechaun is gone

PATTY,PATTY PATTY, me man ? what is wrong Murphy you love Irish beer , that I do me boy , but now where are we going to pee, in the boat.

salesman knocking at the door which was answered by a 4yr old boy , asked can I talk to your mommy " my mommy isn't home sir" well may I talk to your daddy " my daddy isn't home sir" do you mean to say you are here all alone, "no sir my sister is here" please let me talk to your sister "I will be right back" a few went by and the boy came back and he said " I am sorry sir I can't lift my sister out of her crib sir"
'

the three ladies were stranded on an island and one day they find a bottle YES with a genie, and as the custom the genie would grant each one of them a wish.

one says that she misses her family and friends and simply wish to be home POOF she is gone

second says she misses the wild night life of Cal and she wishes she was there POOF she is gone

the third says you know I miss those two I wish they were here POOF POOF

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

Hillary said that if elected president she was going to, drop her britches and show the world, that she was'nt a BUSH.

Two guys are walking through an alley, one glances over and observes a dog licking his privates. He remarks, "I wish I could do that."
His buddy says, "Well, you probably could, but you'd better pet him first."

Did ya hear about the two bald headed polocks?
>
>
>
Seems they put their heads together and made an ass of themselves.

the man thinking his wife is having an affair comes home early and he looks around the house and then he gets his straight razor and he is stropping it and the wife says "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO" he says to her " WELL IF THAT PAIR OF PANTS AND THAT PAIR OF SHOES FIT ME I AM JUST GOING TO SHAVE"

What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
>
>
>
>
Not being retarded.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
>
>
>
Nothing...you've done told her twice.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The guy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."


"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"



The guy smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Ok, I can go one more till later.

I know you can't wait...

George and his dad were out fishing one day when George pulled out a
cigar. Finding he had no matches he asked his dad for a light.
"Sure," said his dad. "I think I have a lighter." Then, reaching into
his tackle box he pulled out a Bic lighter 10-inches long.
"Jimminy Cricket!" exclaimed George, taking the huge Bic lighter in
his hands. "Where did you get that monster?" he asked.
"Well," replied his dad, "I got it from my Genie."
"You have a Genie in your tackle box?" asked George.
"Yep, it's right here in my tackle box," said his dad.
"Could I see him?" asked George.
So his dad opened his tackle box and, sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, George says, "I'm the son of your master, will
you grant me one wish?"
"Yes, I will," says the Genie.
So George asks for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving George sitting
there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks George yells to his dad, "Jumpin'
Jimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
"I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing," yells back
George's dad. "You don't think I really asked for a 10-inch Bic, do
you?"

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very
expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.'Well,' said the clerk,'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs.''Blow jobs!' the woman
replied.'It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this
month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what
if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was
extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed
happy,thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act
again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise
of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and
crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her
husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked The husband replied,'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly.

In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits.'I can't stand it anymore,' she told him.'Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

* He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

* At 70 off came the pants.

* At 75 it was her bra...and

* At 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.'Go to the road and get help,' he said.

'I don't have anything to cover myself with!' she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

'You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,' he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

'My boyfriend! My boyfriend!' she sobs,'He's stuck and I can't pull him out!'

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,'Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!'

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an alter boy.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem".

I was coming out of a shopping mall last Christmas, walking to my car, when I spotted this little boy crying in the parking lot. I asked him what was wrong. He said his mother, who was working three jobs just to get by, had scrimped and saved all year so there would be some money to buy gifts this year. He said his mother dropped him off at the mall with two one hundred dollar bills and told him to do the shopping for everyone as she had to go to work. The little boy said a man came up to him and took one of the bills. Oh my gosh, I said to myself. I asked the boy what he did. The little boy said he cried out for help. With all of the people around in the parking lot, I couldn't imagine that no one had heard him. "Show me how you cried for help," I asked. The little boy gave out a little "Help," which was barely audible, even though I was two feet away from him. So I took the other hundred dollar bill from him and ran away.