Being Molested Did Not Make Me Lesbian (Or Transsexual)

Jan 12, 2009 Full story: lezgetreal.com 23

At the age of eleven, I was molested.

It is a statement open to so many misunderstandings.

It is unfortunate that many people believe that being molested or raped leads to being homosexual or transsexual. The reality is that most gays, lesbians, and transsexuals have never been molested, raped or abused. Those of us who have are not this way because of what happened to us. Full Story
First Prev
of 2
Next Last
nina

Ottawa, Canada

#1 Jan 12, 2009
what's sad is when a person was molested as child, rfuses to beleive that other people were not.

I have been told I'm in denial or a liar by several lesbian aquaintences when I tell them I wasn't molested or beaten

it's like it's somehow unfair that they were if other people were not.

Sei

Since: Nov 08

Rutland, VT

#2 Jan 12, 2009
nina wrote:
what's sad is when a person was molested as child, rfuses to beleive that other people were not.
I have been told I'm in denial or a liar by several lesbian aquaintences when I tell them I wasn't molested or beaten
it's like it's somehow unfair that they were if other people were not.
Nina,

Unfortunately, for some people, being molested consumes them. I've learned to put it slowly in the past and not to assume that someone else was or wasn't.

I do find that writing about it has helped me to heal, though.
nina

Ottawa, Canada

#3 Jan 12, 2009
Sei wrote:
<quoted text>
Nina,
Unfortunately, for some people, being molested consumes them....
yes, and that makes it sadder

I've known several survivors who refuse to continue to be victims

glad to know you're one of them.

weird too are the one who wear victimhood as some kind of badge of honour or credibility or authenticity

like having been molested makes them better lesbians or real women or something

whatever helps you through it, I guess, but it seems that wearing anything like a badge or sheild impedes your ability to form relationships and attachments to other people

Sei

Since: Nov 08

Rutland, VT

#4 Jan 12, 2009
nina wrote:
<quoted text>
yes, and that makes it sadder
I've known several survivors who refuse to continue to be victims
glad to know you're one of them.
Nina, thank you. I wrote this article in large part because, well, like it or not, I always feel like this is one of those subjects where it tends to get swept under the rug or misunderstood, or any number of problems.

Sometimes, I go to write an article for LGR and I wonder why people don't want to discuss these issues.

Take Care
Ralph

Saint Louis, MO

#5 Jan 12, 2009
Sei wrote:
<quoted text>
Nina, thank you. I wrote this article in large part because, well, like it or not, I always feel like this is one of those subjects where it tends to get swept under the rug or misunderstood, or any number of problems.
Sometimes, I go to write an article for LGR and I wonder why people don't want to discuss these issues.
Take Care
Having never been molested, and never having molested anyone, I have no experience in the matter. However, opinions are like.........everyone has one, including me. I think people fall into one of two catagories:
1. Have never molested or been molested.
2. Have been molested or have molested.

Catagory 1 for the most part would find it an uneasy topic to discuss, and probably, for the most part, are unable to relate to it, like me.

Catagory 2: Many that are molested feel shame and guilt, and therefore want to deny or ignore that it happened, or come screaming out to talk about nothing else. Few have the courage to admit to either having molested or having been molested. It is a very difficult topic, I am sure, and laying out all those feelings must assuredly be heart-rending. I feel for those that have been molested, and would hope they can come to terms with it. As for the molesters, I feel hate and distain, even tho I know it is a compulsion and they desprately need therapy.

Of course, I can tell by the previous posts that you already know all of this, and probably a lot more than I ever will.

Since: Jun 08

United States

#6 Jan 12, 2009
nina,

i think those you know that tend to view their molestation as a badge of honor are truly masking the deep-seated anger and insecurity that results from any childhood tragedy. the sad reality is that they may never uncover those feelings and eventually it come to a point that all their relationships around them will be marred for it. these things have a way of surfacing one way or another.
i wish you well
nina

Ottawa, Canada

#7 Jan 12, 2009
Sei wrote:
<quoted text>
...I wonder why people don't want to discuss these issues.
Take Care
because it's uncomfortable, there's guilt, anger - and a lot of misinformation

part of the problem is that the battered women's movement is dependant on man=bad and women=sainted victim

they don't want to talk about women who victimize

either mothers who molest or beat their kids, or abuse physically or emotional their male or female partners

I wrote an article about battering in lesbian relationships back in 1995 for a local gay paper - I interviewed the batterer.

during the course of the background research, I asked a gal in the battered women's movement about men working in shelters - isn't it important for battered women to know that there are good guys out there? isn't that important for their healing?

no she said, men who are allies need to work with the men - they don't need to be in the shelters

so, with that logic, I asked, does that mean that men should run the shelters that battered lesbians go to?

she just stared at me in shock and finally said, wow, you totally led me down the garden path - if you publish that, you'll be blackballed in feminist circles.

I just think that if we're really going to help people, we have to get rid of the current regime - and people are very comfortable with it - lots of grants and donations depend on it - lot of people's identities depend on it

but it's false - and it's hurting people who don't fall into the correct victim boxes

and it ultimately makes victims of everyone
nina

Ottawa, Canada

#8 Jan 12, 2009
jules35 wrote:
nina,
i think those you know that tend to view their molestation as a badge of honor are truly masking the deep-seated anger and insecurity that results from any childhood tragedy...
I agree

focusing on that you were a victim, doesn't let you stop being one

and going to confront your abuser, generally sets you up for more abuse - usually in the form of denial of the events

Sei

Since: Nov 08

Rutland, VT

#10 Jan 12, 2009
Lillith19 wrote:
This is so bogus. Most women have been abused and/or assaulted in one way or another during their life. It's par for the course for us. Men are beasts. Not all for sure, but most if given the chance. If all women that were molested, or abused, or assaulted became lesbians, there would be no babies being born. It's a stupid argument with absolutely no merit.
This just goes back to heterosexist thinking that believes that sexuality is verboten and is perverse, and ought to be avaoided when possible. Sexulaity is a gift and should be celebrated. It's natural for two people attracted to one another to become sexually involved.
Don't even bring up children, because attraction to children is not sexual. It's violence. It's a crime, not an expression of sexuality.
Um...my point is that being molested does not lead one to being gay, lesbian or transsexual.

And, no, not all or even most women will be abused or molested in their life time.

Not all men are beasts either. While I have no attraction to men, I have to say that I stopped thinking that way about the same time I started dealing with the molestation.

This article does not go into the mentality behind molestation to any strong degree. That is something I'm going into in another post. Believe it or not, if I were to cover every single facet of a subject for an article, I'd end up with a twenty or two hundred page article.

As for the child molesters are targeting children because of sex- who brought that up? I neither stated in plain fact nor implied that child molesters target children because of sex. I did differentiate the differences between those who target children below puberty and those above, and that a child molester targets the child because the child is a child and not because of their particular sex.

Sei

Since: Nov 08

Rutland, VT

#11 Jan 12, 2009
Ok, statistic time-

One in Six women will be the victim of a rape or attempted rape in her lifetime. That is around seventeen percent. This is US only.

Twenty-two percent of women in the United States have reported being the victims of domestic abuse.

These two statistic sets are not mutually exclusive and overlap rather drastically since one form of domestic abuse is rape.
nina

Ottawa, Canada

#12 Jan 12, 2009
Lillith19 wrote:
... Most women have been abused and/or assaulted in one way or another during their life. It's par for the course for us. Men are beasts....
thanks for demonstrating the brainwashing problem with the battered women's movement.
denise

Sterling Heights, MI

#14 Jan 12, 2009
child rape and molestation runs rampant on both sides of my family. it's a wonder i'm sane. was married, now lesbian. i feel so natural with women and like an onlooker to men i've been in a relationship with. to tell the truth, i don't know why i'm gay and don't really care. the sexual abuse was not helpful, but there are good and bad men and the same with women. i've known alot of lesbian women in my time and i have to say, some were molested, most weren't. almost all had alcoholism in the family, with verbally or physically abusive parents. i have known gay people with solid families and upbringing and that is as rare as in hetero families. viola, being gay is as normal as being straight. we already know that, but when will the rest of the world catch up? and when will g/l/t communities unite. by being divided and quibbling about differing opinions we are taking our collective eyes off the ball and that is WE ARE NORMAL, WE PAY TAXES, WE HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS. STOP TRYING TO FIND A REASON FOR OUR HOMOSEXUALITY BY BLAMING IT ON A TRAGEDY!!! WE ARE HAPPY WITH OUR LIVES, AND IF WE ARE NOT, IT'S BECAUSE THE HATERS WILL NOT LET US LIVE. THIS IS OUR WORLD TOO,AND WE HAVE JUST AS MUCH A RIGHT AS ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING TO A PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. STOP TAKING MY TAX MONEY IF I AM NOT EQUAL.

Sei

Since: Nov 08

Rutland, VT

#15 Jan 12, 2009
Lilith19,

My experience with men is actually rather the opposite, and my experience with women is also opposite. I have found that, no, most men are not horrible people. And, I have not found that most women have been abused in some form or another.

The majority of men I've known in my life were nice guys. The majority of women I've known in my life were never abused or raped.

Yes, I've known a lot of horrible men in my life, and I've known them to grow up eventually. Not all of them, but most of them.

I've found that the circle we walk in tends to tint our perceptions.

As for 'think of this as a premptive strike, my original post (yes, I am the one who wrote that article) IS a premptive strike. It is a beginning. I want to explain to people that 'no, being molested doesn't make me gay, lesbian or transsexual'. I also want to explain to people that,'no, gays, lesbians and transsexuals do not molest children in any significant number.'

However, you could have worded your original comment a lot more clearly.

“Read my name”

Since: Jul 07

Raleigh, North Carolina

#17 Jan 12, 2009
I think you must have missed a most important third catagory,..

3. Have been molested and have never molested.

I point this out mainly because I have absolutely no tolerance for a molester that uses the tired old excuse of "But as a child I was molested too",... <grrrrr,....>
Ralph wrote:
<quoted text>
I think people fall into one of two catagories:
1. Have never molested or been molested.
2. Have been molested or have molested.
Catagory 1 for the most part would find it an uneasy topic to discuss, and probably, for the most part, are unable to relate to it, like me.
Catagory 2: Many that are molested feel shame and guilt, and therefore want to deny or ignore that it happened, or come screaming out to talk about nothing else. Few have the courage to admit to either having molested or having been molested. It is a very difficult topic, I am sure, and laying out all those feelings must assuredly be heart-rending. I feel for those that have been molested, and would hope they can come to terms with it. As for the molesters, I feel hate and distain, even tho I know it is a compulsion and they desprately need therapy.
Of course, I can tell by the previous posts that you already know all of this, and probably a lot more than I ever will.
denise

Sterling Heights, MI

#18 Jan 12, 2009
any molester i ever met had a sense of entitlement. their victims psyche couldn't be further from their mind. they actually tell themselves they are making them feel good and not hurting them. some people have the ability to lie to themselves and keep on going. that is a molester.
denise

Sterling Heights, MI

#19 Jan 12, 2009
oh, sorry i digressed....
equalityboy81

United States

#20 Jan 12, 2009
The gender one is molested by does not change or determine the victim's sexual orientation. Those are two totally different subjects.

Sei

Since: Nov 08

Rutland, VT

#23 Jan 13, 2009
Lillith19 wrote:
Sei,
We will agree to disagree then. I know lots of nice guys. But in my long and chaotic life, in my experience, the nice guys are the exception. Would that trans-men could teach the average guy how to be a real man. Seriously. I know many, and they put most natal guys to shame.
But nice post and good work on the LGR site too. I love that place. One of my top five haunts. You gals rock! Tell the blonde gal that has been doing the video's that she is awesome too! I love her bit.
Lillith19,

We certainly can disagree. And, I have to agree with you about transmen. The few I've had the honor to meet tend to be far more mature than the rest of maledom.

And thank you very much about the site and the article. And I'll let Jen know that you've enjoying her video posts.

Take care.
nina

Ottawa, Canada

#24 Jan 13, 2009
I have always thought that any person who claimed to have been abused/molested as a defence or mitigation of their abuse/molest/violent actions

should have their sentences doubled

if they were a victim, then they would understand the pain and trauma that those action cause

I think that claim by abusers/molestors is not truthful, but a defence tactic

Since: Jan 09

Browning, MT

#25 Jan 13, 2009
Topic Creator wrote:
<quoted text>
At the age of eleven, I was molested
HAHAHAHAHA.

That was hilarious.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Gay/Lesbian Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
Gay-rights activist charged with sex abuse was ... 7 min Lawrence Wolf 9
Next gay marriage fight: religious exemptions 8 min WeTheSheeple 3,506
Homosexuality and the Bible (Aug '11) 14 min chris toal 26,015
Homosexuality 'promotes bonding' 15 min Serymore 29
Sore-loser! Pro-Duggar Petition Wins; Media Acc... 18 min Chance 13
Schuette urges court to take gay marriage case 37 min EdmondWA 6
US condemns Gambia's anti-gay law 50 min Frankie Rizzo 21
Obama backer faces sexual abuse charges 1 hr WeTheSheeple 100
CBS Network's 'Home for the Holidays' Special W... 2 hr Buford 117
Is Polygamy the Next Gay Marriage? 3 hr Frankie Rizzo 3,937

Gay/Lesbian People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE