Time to call on inner Bridezilla

RE LW1, the bride. I think the cousin is rather presumptuous to expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid. Fine, when they were kids and this was off in the distance, but now that the time has come of course the bride will have close friends she has CHOSEN to share her life with rather than a relative that luck blessed her with.

I'd just say the wedding party will be small... two bridesmaids is smallish. And leave it at that. Remember, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of them all of the time. If this puts a wedge in the relationship, they didn't have much going for them in any case.

Need-based family giving is a bad thing only if it creates what economists call a "moral hazard": incentive to take unnecessary or repeated risks because you know that someone else will pick up the tab.

One good way to avoid moral hazard is to target such aid towards transformational investments: attending college, getting through rehab, seed money for a business, and the like.

Another way is to put a time limit (or other caveats) on the aid.

In general, need-based giving is in fact the right way to ensure that the funds are used most efficiently: the most **** for the least buck.

Postscript: Needless to say, I think it is ridiculous for LW2 to be writing to Amy complaining about that "nagging hurt" when she freely admitted that "True, we could afford it."

LW2 should count her blessings and thank her lucky stars for her family's financial security. If she needs to add to her emotional security -- "It's the thought ... that counts", as she put it -- well, isn't that what Hallmark cards are for?

I totally agree with Polarity's 2nd post.

For LW2 to complain although "we could afford it" is too much.

As far as "need-based" help - that gets into very judgemental calls - especially within a family.

Can someone "not afford" it because they have spent money frivolously? What if someone scrimps and saves and ends up with money, and someone else buys pretty much whatever they want, then ends up with "no money"?

If you can't afford it, you shouldn't buy it. There are myriad educational opportunities - no one "has" to go to an expensive school. Do what you can afford and keep family members out of your personal finances. My opinion!

I would have to add that nobody "needs" to be in a sorority, either. Tuition, books, room and board I can understand. But the young woman should have been expected to get a part-time job to cover her expenses and to seek more economical living arrangements if she was relying on others to fund her college experience.

I'm certainly not anti-Greek. Several of my family members were in fraternities and sororities. I just don't see it as an essential part of the learning experience, though, especially if one's own parents cannot finance one's education.

As the father of a high school junior, I know that private college fees typically run about $45,000 a year. For the in-laws to cover four years was a significant investment. I don't blame LW2 one bit for feeling a certain amount of resentment, even if they can afford their own child's education. This was blatant favoritism, pure and simple.

Sure, people can choose what they want to do with their own money. But to give away so much to one child at the expense of the other, even if one is more comfortably fixed, sends a huge message to the child who was slighted.

If i were the in-laws, I would have had a conversation with both siblings about the circumstances of the deal and have set it up so that the one whose daughter's tuition was paid for would have a commensurate amount taken out of their share of the inheritance.

If you have kids, you sign up to pay for their education, all the way through college since college is now a necessity to getting practically ANY job (IMO). The problem is that people don't plan ahead for this education... it's like all of a sudden "Gosh, my kid's 18 and needs MORE schooling? Oh crap!"

If the in-laws were able to help, that's a blessing, and the money should be paid back in full. If the other family was able to afford it, they should pat themselves on the back for not needing other people to bail them out of their responsibilities. They should also teach their child that she/he needs to take care of themselves and their children rather than wait for a handout from Grandma and Grandpa.

Planning and saving CAN be done. I'm pregnant now and already saving for college for my child(ren). I might not be able to send them to Harvard or whatever expensive schools are out there, but I'll be able to send them to college and not have to worry about my parents paying the way for my kids...

It's time for people to take responsibility for themselves and their families.

I agree with LW2. My dad was one of fourteen kids, I am one of 50 grandkids (catholic family). Growing up my grandmother picked one family as her favorite and showered them with gifts, vacations, attention...etc (the family could afford it). Many of the grandkids are now grown and talk about the indifference we were treated. Even though my parent were well off and supported many of his siblings in times of need; seeing the favoritism really hurt and to this day I don't care to see my grandmother, write to her or what not. Every time I'm with her all she talks about is the one family, never ask questions about anyone else, blah blah blah. I may love her because she is my grandmother but I can't stand her as do many of the other grandkids. It's the fact that attention is shown to one family but not the other that hurts.

Re: LW1

I think Amy needs to check on the definition of a "bridezilla"

Her advice was good. Tell the cousin that you're sorry but this is the decision you've made blah blah blah. Be truthful and tactful.

But this is not being a bridezilla.

Bridezillas are obsessed with creating the "perfect wedding day" and are generally unpleasant, selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic b..ches.

I would hope that Amy would never actually encourage ANYONE to act that way.

Sorry to disagree, but people have the right to spend their money any way they wish, period!

I agree with gng: people definitely have the right to spend their money however they choose. But every choice has a consequence. This issue is so difficult because it involves money and the idea of showing love through the gift of money. If a grandparent/aunt/uncle shows equal love to all grandchildren/nieces/nephews in non-monetary ways, that's a fabulous grandparent.

To be as fair as possible, why doesn't the giver save the money without announcing it and then dole it out on an as-needed basis, a little going to each child? Even two years of college being paid for is a blessing. I would be more likely to offer the money to a recipient with the stipulation that they pay for a part of their college by working. Talk about teaching a wonderful life lesson while performing a good deed! Then, everyone wins.

Lee wrote:

I totally agree with Polarity's 2nd post.
For LW2 to complain although "we could afford it" is too much.

Isn't it a gift? If you decide to give a gift to someone it's not anyone else's business why, who, or what.
The ones who can afford to send their kids need to grow up. I'll bet if they had some sort of unexpected finacial tragedy the ones who funded the other kids' college would step up and help, but if it's not needed they should just thank the gods and shut the frell up.
Whiners. Feh.

I feel for LW1, I refuse to name either of my two bridesmaids as my "maid of honor" because the one I would name is not the one who feels like she is the rightful heir to that title. Instead of inviting drama, I just keep refusing to give into the pressure. It is amazing how much pressure family and friends put onto those getting married to do things in some pre-conceived notion way of wedding. Its the biggest shock my future husband and I face is having to quell all the outside expectations.

LW2 - I'm not sure if I agree with some of the posters here. Its one thing to spoil one set of grandkids with gifts and it is another to help provide for a child's education. However, providing money for all of their expenses is a bit much. A little post-college debt never hurt anyone.....

I half agree with everyone on here, and personally I don't really think that LW2 has a right to complain as she is not being hurt, but someone should really consider how much it hurts the grandchild who didn't recieve the "gift". Regardless of the fact that her parents can afford to send her to college, how many other times has she had to deal with the blatant favortism towards her cousins? I know from experience that this hurts. As one of 52 (soon to be 53) grandchildren I would never even expect a Christmas present from my retired grandparents, but year after year the same 3 cousins get birthday and christmas presents and the rest of us don't even get cards. It's a small example, but I can imagine how much worse it would be on such a large scale as a full college education.

too old wrote:

If you have kids, you sign up to pay for their education, all the way through college since college is now a necessity to getting practically ANY job (IMO). The problem is that people don't plan ahead for this education... it's like all of a sudden "Gosh, my kid's 18 and needs MORE schooling? Oh crap!"
If the in-laws were able to help, that's a blessing, and the money should be paid back in full. If the other family was able to afford it, they should pat themselves on the back for not needing other people to bail them out of their responsibilities. They should also teach their child that she/he needs to take care of themselves and their children rather than wait for a handout from Grandma and Grandpa.
Planning and saving CAN be done. I'm pregnant now and already saving for college for my child(ren). I might not be able to send them to Harvard or whatever expensive schools are out there, but I'll be able to send them to college and not have to worry about my parents paying the way for my kids...
It's time for people to take responsibility for themselves and their families.

(Sound of loud applause.) I salute your parents who have obviously instilled some very good values and discipline.(Note: I use the word discipline not in the punitive connotation, but from its Latin origins "disciplina" instruction given to a disciple or "discipulus" a pupil.)

Another Sunday with yet another wedding "problem" and a recycled topic. I guess Amy doesn't put out much effort on Sundays. Pfffff!

too old wrote:

If you have kids, you sign up to pay for their education, all the way through college since college is now a necessity to getting practically ANY job (IMO). The problem is that people don't plan ahead for this education... it's like all of a sudden "Gosh, my kid's 18 and needs MORE schooling? Oh crap!"
If the in-laws were able to help, that's a blessing, and the money should be paid back in full. If the other family was able to afford it, they should pat themselves on the back for not needing other people to bail them out of their responsibilities. They should also teach their child that she/he needs to take care of themselves and their children rather than wait for a handout from Grandma and Grandpa.
Planning and saving CAN be done. I'm pregnant now and already saving for college for my child(ren). I might not be able to send them to Harvard or whatever expensive schools are out there, but I'll be able to send them to college and not have to worry about my parents paying the way for my kids...
It's time for people to take responsibility for themselves and their families.

Perfect post.

it's not that heard to create an educational trust. in oregon there are several tax sheltered options that any family member can contribute to. the aunt and uncle could help every family member start up one for their child and then donate a set amount to each fund. the parents can also set aside pre-tax dollars. there are a lot of options out there.

Full tuition, room and board, spending money, and freaking SORORITY DUES handed to her on a silver platter?

Gee, bet she'll know the value of her education @@

No wonder society's going down the tubes. My grandfather earned an engineering degree from the University of Washington on the GI Bill while supporting a wife and four children (they later adopted six more) and working full time as a longshoreman.

Would it kill that girl to wait tables?