Parents' view of gays leads unhappy son to take his life -- Soc...

The world is LOUD. Music blaring everywhere, cell phones going off, people obliviously yammering LOUDLY whether it's a restaurant, movie, etc. LW2 and her husband can up and leave a restaurant, but there's no guarantee that the next restaurant wouldn't have another loudmouth. I think, to save her own sanity, she needs to adjust her expectations of her nights out downward. Just expect that there will be noise. Then, if the restaurant winds up being quiet and relaxing, she can see it as a bonus.

Wow. I definately disagree with the response to LW1. Those parents know why their son killed himself - deep down, they know he was gay and that's why they made it so clear that they are against homosexuality. Telling them their son was gay and that's why he killed himself isn't going to help anyone. I can't imagine it will even make the best friend feel better.

Abby's advice to LW1 is wrong. No one will gain by telling her former boyfriend's parents about his (alleged) homosexuality.

The old Ann Landers rule about when to disclose applies here: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

This situation fails each and every one of those questions.

LW1 does not know for certain that her former boyfriend was gay -- all she has is his word for it, and he might have told her that in order to have her break up with him.

It certainly isn't necessary to reveal this. Who could possibly benefit? The parents would just feel aggrieved or possibly more guilty, and LW1 would feel like a heel afterwards.

It most certainly would not be kind. Making this allegation to the parents raises the ugly spectacle of the parents and a former girlfriend arguing over the legacy and memory of a deceased son.

LW1's right response to the parents is to ignore their blaming, and instead send them (if she hasn't already) a condolence card with a short note that says, in essence, "I'm very sorry for the loss of your son."

id rather stay home wrote:

The world is LOUD.

Correction. The United States is loud. Not the world.

In plenty of societies around the world, quiet is the cultural norm.

Try an experiment: Turn on a Hollywood movie (any movie, any genre). Now close your eyes. Listen to the soundtrack. Notice both the volume, as well as how almost every moment is filled with sound of one type or another (dialogue, sound effects, music).

Now repeat the same experiment with a foreign film, say one from France or Japan or Russia. The volume will often be much lower, and there will often be gaps in which there is hardly any sound at all.

I agree with Anon and Polarity - absolutely no purpose would be served by telling these parents that their son was gay. She should just move on and get these people out of her life - it's not like she has any kind of obligation toward them.

LW #1 - What about telling the parents that he was the one who initiated the break up? Then follow up with something like, "It was a very difficult time for both of us, but we realized it was not going to work between the two of us." Perhaps that would lead to healing rather than more hurting.

LW1 should just ignore the parents. They don't have any bearing on her life, and she knows she's not the cause of his death.

Suicide is rarely because of one issue, so the "being gay" issue probably wasn't the sole catalyst either.

She owes this family nothing, and owes her friend the confidence she promised him.

Abby, you missed the mark twice today.

Your advice to LW1 was awful. These parents have lost their son. There is no worse pain in the world than that. Why add to it by telling them, in essence, "And it was YOUR fault!" And besides, telling them about their son's homosexuality will not remove their resentment toward the girlfriend--it will only make them hate her more. The girl should sympathize with the parents' grief adn move on with her life, and leave the parents with whatever illusions enable them to cope with this terrible loss.

As for L@e, a gift is a gift. Once it is given, it's up to the recipient to do with as s/he pleases. It would be very inappropriate for the giver to try to control what happens to the gift after it leaves her hands. If the embroidery is so precious to the giver that she cannot bear the thought of its ending up with the wrong person, then she should not give such a gift to newlyweds.

Are all you posters insane? Ann, Abby, whatever her name is right. The girl should tell them. I am a gay man, I know the feeling of rejection, because I liked boys instead of girls, I know what it is like to think suicide is the way, because the bible doesn't condone it. I know what it is like to not be what your parents had hoped. I have a friend who killed himself at 28, for the same reasons, his father could not understand why he was gay. Tell the parents, maybe through their struggle, they may learn to put aside judgments. They may, or at least one of them, may reach out to a gay person. They need to know, because they loved their son. So by telling them, they can love him for who he was.

LW1: First of all placing blame when someone commits suicide is useless. The act of suicide is a completely selfish one, and the blame ought to be placed on the one who committed the act. I understand that the writer's BF was despairing possibly about his sexuality, but that might not be the whole reason for his depression. And that brings me back to my first sentence, depression is an illness. One needs to seek help if they are depressed. If the ex BF had a job and I assume he did it would likely only cost him a $20 co-pay to see a doctor.

Parents can be dumb. It's very possible they had no notion that their son was gay. Gay people don't fit stereotypes, and you can't tell by looking @ someone that they are gay. My parents are probably the biggest bigots around, but if I brought home an african-american BF I think their tune might change. Who's to say that if the BF told his parents about his sexuality that they would have rejected him? He never told them. They never had the chance to know their son. How many other adults have made fun of gay people only to find out later that one of their children was gay? I know it's very possible that they may have rejected him, but they were never given the chance. How many people have been rejected by their parents and didn't commit suicide?

Does that mean I have no compassion for that person? No. I think the circumstances are very sad, and it goes to show you that we have a long way to go when it comes to accepting people as they are.

LW3: If you are so attached to your tablecloths then don't give them as gifts. Go to JCPenny and buy one.

Donna wrote:

LW #1 - What about telling the parents that he was the one who initiated the break up? Then follow up with something like, "It was a very difficult time for both of us, but we realized it was not going to work between the two of us." Perhaps that would lead to healing rather than more hurting.

This is the most sensible thing I've read both in Abby's column today & the responses to it. Telling the parents probably won't do any good because as Abby says, they won't believe her. As for those of you saying she should just ignore the parents, well, depends on the area where they live. If it's a small town, she may still run into them at the grocery store, etc.

I would also add that Abby dropped the ball in failing to use the opportunity to educate people on resources for survivors of suicide and PFLAG.

As for the restaurant, if it were a type of place where one should expect a peaceful ambience, they should've talked to the manager.

And she dropped the ball on LW3 too. Wedding gifts aren't generally returned after a divorce unless it's a very short lived marriage. Perhaps the nieces or nephews she gave them to really appreciate them and want to continue using the tablecloths after the divorce. I can see wanting to keep them in the family, but asking for them to be returned to the gift giver is out of line. And Abby might have used this opportunity to gently point out that the people going through divorce might have bigger things than tablecloths on their minds. Where's Miss Manners when you need her?

jennifer wrote:

LW1: First of all placing blame when someone commits suicide is useless. The act of suicide is a completely selfish one, and the blame ought to be placed on the one who committed the act.

I was going to say the same thing. If you aren't going to lay the blame right where it belongs, you might as well blame the company that made the rope the guy hung himself with (obviously, this is just an example of the silliness in 'blaming' someone for someone else's actions).

I have to agree with jennifer on the wedding gifts. The same goes for ANY gift. You don't get "do-overs" when it comes to these things. A gift is given freely, to commemorate an occasion.

Perhaps the LW should include a note the next time she RSVPs to a wedding invite:

"I am going to spend my time, which is more important than anyone else's in the universe, to make a present (OK, I do this in front of the TV) that won't really belong to you. I'll be demanding that you return it one day."

See how many invitations she gets after that.

LW1: like Polarity & Dienne (I still say you're the same person!) and too old & others here, I think that Abby is WRONG to suggest that LW1 "out" her late ex and point fingers at them. It serves no purpose. The parents sound bitter and unkind and she's better off just distancing herself from them.

LW2: I'm a big believer in online reviews like metromix or yelp. If the atmosphere of a restaurant is not comfortable, I include that in my review.

LW3: I really think it's tacky to ask for a gift back. Divorce is hard enough without a former in-law getting grubby about material possessions.

Polarity wrote:

Abby's advice to LW1 is wrong. No one will gain by telling her former boyfriend's parents about his (alleged) homosexuality.
The old Ann Landers rule about when to disclose applies here: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
This situation fails each and every one of those questions.
LW1 does not know for certain that her former boyfriend was gay -- all she has is his word for it, and he might have told her that in order to have her break up with him.
It certainly isn't necessary to reveal this. Who could possibly benefit? The parents would just feel aggrieved or possibly more guilty, and LW1 would feel like a heel afterwards.
It most certainly would not be kind. Making this allegation to the parents raises the ugly spectacle of the parents and a former girlfriend arguing over the legacy and memory of a deceased son.
LW1's right response to the parents is to ignore their blaming, and instead send them (if she hasn't already) a condolence card with a short note that says, in essence, "I'm very sorry for the loss of your son."

There is validity to what you say for certain instances, but the fact that these parents are BLAMING this girl for their son's death leads me to believe that telling them the truth would at least be a step in the direction of "truth" instead of lies and deceit. I have to believe that this girl believed he was gay. Most people can't make something like that up for the sake of breaking up with someone. That's a pretty weak argument if it is not true to begin with.

The parents may indeed know the son was gay, but I would not be carrying around the baggage this family has heaped on LW. If they were really decent people, they would be blaming no one. It was their son's decision to take his own life. Sad that it would have been far better to have moved away from such hateful people and made a life for himself than hurting people who did care for him. Suicide is never the answer. But, I wouldn't be staying mum for long if they point-blank said something to me about this. I would make it clear why their son did this and it's up to them to decide if they want to believe it or not. If they don't, they're just in denial.

Gay Man wrote:

Are all you posters insane? Ann, Abby, whatever her name is right. The girl should tell them. I am a gay man, I know the feeling of rejection, because I liked boys instead of girls, I know what it is like to think suicide is the way, because the bible doesn't condone it. I know what it is like to not be what your parents had hoped. I have a friend who killed himself at 28, for the same reasons, his father could not understand why he was gay. Tell the parents, maybe through their struggle, they may learn to put aside judgments. They may, or at least one of them, may reach out to a gay person. They need to know, because they loved their son. So by telling them, they can love him for who he was.

If the parents were that much against it, you really think they're going to believe it? I'm sorry for your pain and I for the life of me cannot understand parents that can't love their sons/daughters for the people they are -- not who they wish them to be. I realize parents grieve for a natural grandchild that will never be and a life that they thought they would have -- but it isn't our rights as parents to have those things. I'm sorry that those type of parents miss out on having a very caring relationship with their children. But please also remember a lot of people are a product of their upbringing. Of course you can overcome that upbringing and it's not in a way of an excuse but as an explanation. You just have to have faith that your parents did the best with the tools they had.

I agree with Jack 100%.

About the restaurant, I just would get up and leave. People ARE louder now and it is very irritating. At work there are people who have no idea what a conversation voice should be. I don't understand it and it drives me nuts. I have to put up with one of those next to me this week.

As for the gift, it's the height of tackiness to ask for it back. I'm sure whoever ends up with it is b/c they love it. She should look at it as spreading joy in a very dark situation (yep I'm stretching it but what can you do?). Either that or her tablecloths are the kiss of death for these people's marriage. Maybe she should stop making them if she can't give them freely with no strings. Perhaps she should wait for an anniversary down the road.

Dear Abby,
I disagree with your response to His Best Friend. The only person responsible for this act is the person who acted. It is possible that the girl who wrote this letter feels a sense of responsiblity as she was not more able to assist her friend while he was alive. I am sure his parents feel this way too. This is something they can share and help eachother through. They can share their thoughts, experiences, and memories of their loved one. Sharing that secret may give his parents more insight into their son but blame is not healthy for anyone.

Jack wrote:

<quoted text>...I for the life of me cannot understand parents that can't love their sons/daughters for the people they are -- not who they wish them to be....

Me too. I'll never understand how some parents can hate homosexuality more than they love their children.

Polarity wrote:

Abby's advice to LW1 is wrong. No one will gain by telling her former boyfriend's parents about his (alleged) homosexuality.
The old Ann Landers rule about when to disclose applies here: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
This situation fails each and every one of those questions.
LW1 does not know for certain that her former boyfriend was gay -- all she has is his word for it, and he might have told her that in order to have her break up with him.
It certainly isn't necessary to reveal this. Who could possibly benefit? The parents would just feel aggrieved or possibly more guilty, and LW1 would feel like a heel afterwards.
It most certainly would not be kind. Making this allegation to the parents raises the ugly spectacle of the parents and a former girlfriend arguing over the legacy and memory of a deceased son.
LW1's right response to the parents is to ignore their blaming, and instead send them (if she hasn't already) a condolence card with a short note that says, in essence, "I'm very sorry for the loss of your son."

POLARITY! I believe the young woman, and I believe that her friend was gay. Polaity, it's awfully hard to be gay - I'll never know how that term came to be. I'm gay and it has been a real struggle.
You don't want to tell your parents because you might get the same sarcasim and hate that the young man's parents displayed. You can't tell your best friend, and you certainly can't tell the woman who you might be attracted to. No, that's not a contradiction, you can still want the opposite sex to be friends with. For some people the feeling of being gay can turn to self hatred, you wonder why, and why you, and you never forgive yourself.
In time you can bury your feelings but that comes up another way. I hated my conquests and so treated them such, but the real hatred was toward me. Anyway, time has past but I'm still a little uncomfortable about myself no matter who society has eased itself toward us. Being gay is not easy.