I can't get "it" together!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost in the world. I don't even know where to begin.

I grew up the youngest in the family. My Dad worked hard to support us, my Mom was a housewife and she worked hard as well. My brothers never really worked much, stayed home listening to music, watching tv or sleeping. They were grown by the time I arrived.

I was never on track, I stayed up late nights with my Mom from the very beginning. 1-2 in the morning. I was very very insecure and attached to her, had to be with her about always.

By the time school came around, I did not want to go! I didn't want to be alone with strangers, as I had never been left with strangers in my life. Not to mention, I was sleepy. I didn't sleep at night, and wanted to sleep till noon like my Mom. lol

School was rough.

I dropped out of school as soon as I could. 8th grade. I got my GED and was ready to start college, so hyped! So many plans. Yet I could not stay focused, could not stay on track. Dropped out later in the first semester. My Dad died when I was 16, and life was never the same.

My life was a rollercoaster, getting into way to much drinking and partying. I didn't stay with the same guy too long, got bored. A lot of teenage drama. Moved out, lived with friends sporadically, didn't want to be "home". Love my family, just didn't want to be home.

By the time I was 19-20, I started to get it together. Had a job (nothing big, but a job lol), renting my own place, and totally happy. A few months later, things started to go wrong.. Too much chaos around me. Lost my job, lost my home. I had met a nice guy, we were more friends than anything, though he wanted to be more. We ended up getting together, moved in together.

I stopped the drinking for years. I still party once in a while, not like years ago though. I go a year without having a drink, and think nothing of it.

We are still together, but I am not happy in so many ways. I don't know what I want. It's been 9+ years, and I don't know what I want. He has became more difficult to get along with, but i'm used to him being there.

Over the years, I have tried to get jobs and hold jobs. I can't keep them long. A few weeks, a few days. A couple times, a few months. It's like everything in me is always changing. I am focused and ready, then boom, i'm not. I feel pressured, filled with anxiety, or depressed.

Same with school. Several attempts at college. 4 years ago, I was doing good with college. A little struggle here and there, but for 2 1/2 semesters, I did well. A's in most classes, I was proud of myself and who I was becoming. Then, boom... I lose it. Lose focus, lose control, and am depressed.

My Mom has almost always stayed at home. I guess she worked a little way before I came along. Both brothers, now in their 40s and living with Mom, have worked sporadically over the years, but nothing longterm at all, 10-15 years between jobs.

I don't want to be like them.

I can't get my life straight, and it is killing me!!!!! I feel so stupid sometimes, so worthless. I don't know what to do. I get focused, make plans, and then something always sort of clicks in my head, and I am different.

Why can't I get it together? There are so many times I feel this life isn't worth trying.

Sorry, I had to get some of this out of my head, needed to talk to someone. Even though I have so many people around me and in my life, it still feels like I have NOONE to talk to.

Oh, thats another part of the problem. I can't sleep most nights, then I end up sleeping all day,m very difficult to wake. I try SO hard to get on track, on a normal sleep routine, and do well for a few days, a few weeks, then fall back into this.

Hey... all you have to do is believe in yourself.. everything will fall into place sooner or later. You just have to give life a chance. No job is fun, or in that case, easy to hold on to. You just have to suck it up. Life sucks...but we have to move on. Stop focusing on everyone else and focus on yourself. Don't focus on the bad things in life, focus on the happy moments and enjoy them. Only YOU can control how you want to live your life. So, LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST!!!!=D

soccerchick wrote:

Hey... all you have to do is believe in yourself.. everything will fall into place sooner or later. You just have to give life a chance. No job is fun, or in that case, easy to hold on to. You just have to suck it up. Life sucks...but we have to move on. Stop focusing on everyone else and focus on yourself. Don't focus on the bad things in life, focus on the happy moments and enjoy them. Only YOU can control how you want to live your life. So, LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST!!!!=D

Thanks, and you are right. I feel the same exact way, yet I always seem to somehow get completely distracted and off track. I'm wanting to get on track and stay on track for once in my life, and I hope this time I can finally get it together and keep it that way. Thanks for the encouragement!

Make a schedule for yourself. You never know...it might help. I always have to be doing something, or I start focusing on the bad things in life. Everyone has a system....you just need to find your and make it work!! It's noraml to feel sad and depressed in life...but like I said before....DON'T let it consume you! Good luck and let me know how you're doing.=D

Thanks again! I have been working on a routine/schedule, and I think it will help, just have to keep it up long enough for it to become a habit/routine.:)

Good!!!=D

I can in a way recognize myself in your situation, though I think I'm a bit younger than you and haven't really lost anything important yet. But it feels like I'm constantly living on credit, and in the end the debt will be to big to pay. Still I can't find the motivation to work for it. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to do and achieve. But when it actually matters I'm indifferent.
I hope the help you've got with the schedule/planning will make a difference and I hope you'll be able to find a way to make your life work! In the end, all you can do is fight for what you really want. Wish you all the best, good luck!

Actually, I bet I'm a lot younger than you would imagine... I have lost a lot in the past few years. I just keep taking everything one day at a time.

Scratch that... I thought you were "Beyond Lost"... sorry...

You're like the female equivalent of me. My story is pretty much the same although one of my brothers did really well at Uni.
I was really excited last year about studying psychology then when I was about a month or so into it I felt anxiety and pressure and doubting thoughts. The idea of spending so much time studying made me think how life could be spent in a much more fulfilling way.
It's like every time I start to make some progress in an area of my life I start to doubt myself then just stop doing what I was doing.
I don't know if it's a fear of failure or success or what.
Personally schedules never really worked well for me. It's like there's something in me that will rebel against any plans I make.
Though I haven't solved the problem we both share I have found meditation and keeping a journal helpful.
I'm really looking for my path in life and don't think that I would ever be content with a 9 to 5. I suppose that will just take a little longer than just doing what your neighbor or friends do.

Hey it's gonna be ok. Don't let yourself down. You have to set your mind to it and just do it. It may not be fun at the time, but in the future, it very may well pay off. You have to focus on your life and live it to the fullest! Don't mope around and say you can't when you CAN!! I had the same feeling. It's like I know I'm smart enough to do the things I want to do in life, but do I really want to put in all of that work to get there? Ask yourself this, Do you want to work hard now in life and have a relaxing and enjoyable future, or vise versa??? I'm the opposite of you I think though. I HAVE to have a schedule planned out or I'll go nuts! I was just raised that way.

Just ask yourself the questions I stated above.

LIVE UR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!!:D

Why wait to start enjoying life? I'm a man of simple pleasures. The only reason I wanted a big expensive house was for the approval of others - that would really be a waste of a life. Really I'd be content in a motor home driving all over Europe. If it gets cold I just drive to the south of France. If I don't like my neighbors I just find another place to park. of course it would be nice to have some company. I wonder how many women would be up for that kind of lifestyle.

I'm sooo upset. My dog died yesterday. I had her in my life for 16 years. She was the best. She wasn't just a dog, she was my best friend. She wasn't a dog either...more like a human. That's how close I ws to her. And now she's gone forever. Just like that.

soccerchick, I'm so sorry to hear that. I know what you mean, they get so close to you. it's always horrible when you lose someone close, it happened to me too just yesterday. I truly hope she got a peaceful death without suffering. cherish the memories :)

Soccerchick wrote:

I'm sooo upset. My dog died yesterday. I had her in my life for 16 years. She was the best. She wasn't just a dog, she was my best friend. She wasn't a dog either...more like a human. That's how close I ws to her. And now she's gone forever. Just like that.

Soccerchick, I am so sorry for the loss your precious pet. I believe in the PEACEABLE KINGDOM.
Since I started believing in Jesus the Christ, when I lost a beloved pet, I had many dreams of them waiting for me. One time, I dreamed they were all lined up, several special cats I'd had and one dog in particular that I'd had 14 yrs, and Jesus was holding that one that had just died, kind of like they were all waiting for me to join them when it was my time. I have had other dreams just as vivid and precious, and they all comforted me when I was grieving over a beloved pet that died. Yes, it hurts so bad, because they truly give you unconditional love and they are so loving and the best companions. But those dreams and believing it's really not "forever" gives me comfort, just like I believe I will see my precious parents again too, and other loved ones that have passed on before. Why not? My God can do anything.
God bless you

Lost and looking wrote:

Why wait to start enjoying life? I'm a man of simple pleasures. The only reason I wanted a big expensive house was for the approval of others - that would really be a waste of a life. Really I'd be content in a motor home driving all over Europe. If it gets cold I just drive to the south of France. If I don't like my neighbors I just find another place to park. of course it would be nice to have some company. I wonder how many women would be up for that kind of lifestyle.

I wish I'd met someone like you years ago. Your idea sounds like sheer bliss.

This is my first post. I have been fighting depression for almost a year now. It has been such a dark place. I cannot seem to find the strenght and motivation that I once had. I have heard from my doctors the same common thread. "make small daily accomplishments" This is something I cannot seem to do. Even paying bills or getting my mail seem so hard. I remember wondering how someone could take their life.??. Now I understand. I have attempted twice to take my life. To get my mind to shut up is so difficult. There are so many things I would like to do, but the fear of failure is overwhelming and this is what makes the persuit impossible. Is there hope? Sometimes the smallest feat is so difficult, ie: taking showers, doing my hair, eating. I am so afraid of the anxitey that follows any attempt to do those small things. The medication that I am on seems to help me at least sleep, and sleep is my best friend. I don't remember who I once was. She is lost and gone forever.

Dear BB's Tears,
I know EXACTLY where your coming from. I was in that dark, black place of deepest depression for 7 long nightmarish years, complete with panic attacks so bad, I wanted to kill myself.
I was an atheist, I had NO believe in God, but still I was afraid of dying because something in me was still unsure of what was on the other side.
Late one night, I'd been lying on my sofa, planing how I might kill myself, I remember getting up to drag myself to bed as I usually did, dreading even that, and as I walked toward my bedroom, I said, "oh dear God, Jesus help me", not even thinking about the fact that I didn't believe in God or Jesus.
Anyway, I go on to bed, and slept. The next morning when I got up, all of a sudden, instead of dragging myself out of bed, dreading the day ahead as I usually did, I felt this incredible joy, and euphoric vitality, and energy bubbling up from inside myself.
Something I had never before in my life felt. To say the least, I was astonished! And overjoyed beyond belief.
I had thought as you, that my life had been irreparably ruined and that I'd never be the same again........but I had just had my depression and panic attacks completely removed, and my entire being was full of happiness, joy and laughter. My thoughts of suicide were gone. My mental pain was gone, I was healed!
As I said, I'd been an atheist, but I'm not stupid or crazy. I realized I'd just had a miracle. Putting 2 and 2 together, trying to understand what had happened, I figured first of all, that it had to have been supernatural, because I'd been on antidepressants, and valium, and had seen counselors, and shrinks and doctors for 7 yrs, and none of it helped!
Next, I figured that since what happened could only have been supernatural, it had to come from God, and if it came from God to heal me, it must have been because he loved me. The problem was, I didn't know who God was, and I didn't remember saying, "Oh dear God, Jesus help me" til 8 months later, after I had been seeking out who this wonderful God was, went down several blind alleys, and finally a Christian lady came into my life, and began praying for me.
One thing led to another and my heart became more tender, until the day God came into my heart like a love bomb and I had that "born again" experience which has changed my life forever.
BB, don't kill yourself, but pray, and ask God to help you and reveal his love for you. Pick up a regular modern English bible and read the gospel of John.
Many will try to tell you this is not true, but I haven't taken the time to bare my soul and lie to you. It is real, and you can be healed, maybe not in the same way I was, but healed is healed.
Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls."
BB, you have everything to gain, and nothing to loose. Many years have passed since then, and I have had lots of struggles and trials, but I've had Jesus, the anointed one's help to overcome them every step of the way.
God bless you dear heart

Sandra wrote:

<quoted text>
Soccerchick, I am so sorry for the loss your precious pet. I believe in the PEACEABLE KINGDOM.
Since I started believing in Jesus the Christ, when I lost a beloved pet, I had many dreams of them waiting for me. One time, I dreamed they were all lined up, several special cats I'd had and one dog in particular that I'd had 14 yrs, and Jesus was holding that one that had just died, kind of like they were all waiting for me to join them when it was my time. I have had other dreams just as vivid and precious, and they all comforted me when I was grieving over a beloved pet that died. Yes, it hurts so bad, because they truly give you unconditional love and they are so loving and the best companions. But those dreams and believing it's really not "forever" gives me comfort, just like I believe I will see my precious parents again too, and other loved ones that have passed on before. Why not? My God can do anything.
God bless you

Thank you sooo much for your condolences. They mean a lot. We ended up getting her cremated. She is home now, sitting on a shelf with angel statues all around her. Her collar, and her favorite toy. I miss her sooo much. It's so nice to receive the sympathy from others too. thanks a lot.