Judge it!
i turn 15 next week. almost every women in my family suffers from depression. ever since i was in 4-5th grade my older brother (he's 4years older) has sexually abused me. i'm getting to the point where i can take it anymore. i feel like i've lost all control of what people can do to me. i have done anything really sexually with anyone (besides him) but i still feel like i'm just worth nothing.
i've never really been a happy child, my mom told me that. i love to joke around but for some reason, the things that people make fun of me for (jokingly) i take it to heart and it just brings me down. i know it isnt who i am. i am better than this.
i always have this feeling that everyones against me but they tell me that they love me..some reason i dont want to believe them.
i'm really self-consious but nothing ever seems good enough.
i have the tendency to shut people out of my life. i've tried to commit suicide by overdosing with pain killers and my mom's persciption medicine that she got when she took kemo.
i have violent thinking but i never act upon it, and i hope i never do.
i told one of my close friends about this and he said its not normal.
should i go to the doctor?? i have no idea.
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opps. corrections: cant stand..and havent done.
sorry. |
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hey there.
since your brother damaged you, you have seemed to lost all self belief within your self. It also looking like your craving for love. Any type of love or acceptence, even if thats to sleep with every male/female friend you have. First step you could try to take is holding back sexually with people. next is contact a doctor on your own, family Doctor or maybe someone hirer up like a shrink. In australia teens can access help for free but im not if you have that sort of support system in the USA. let me know how it goes. |
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sorry for the typo, half asleep :(
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Wow i am really sorry that had to happen to you but it iz not ur fault. if you feel a doctor can help you should. i am not gonna make you do anything you dont want to but i will recommend telling sum1 and do sumthing about it
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i believe you should seek help if you havent already. they way your feeling is normal after something that you have been through. but there are people out there who can help you just have to be hopefull. you alredy kow something is wrong thats always the first step. good luck |
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Oh no, no wonder you are depressed! What a strong person you must be, to go through this and come through it like this! It's appalling what has happened to you. What has been done to you is outrageous. Your friend is half right - this abuse is not normal, but your reaction to it is not only normal but entirely understandable. I was also abused by an older brother, and he was 4 years older than me as well, so I can really identify with everything that you said. I wish I could come through the internet and give you a big hug, you brave girl. You MUST tell someone, for instance, is there a teacher that you can trust? I didn't tell on my brother, and it did him no favours at all, and wrecked my life for over 30 years. Now I have "come out" about being an abuse victim I am so much stronger and happier. Hold on, PLEASE don't take your own life. You will get through this, and find that you will be able to feel happy again. You need help, not drugs ect, but love and compassion. |
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Since I was little my parents always abused and kept me away from the world, so now (at 17) I got to the point where I suimple don't want to be or rather don't know how to be a part of this world.
Not really sure since childhood. So my question is, what is like to have a childhood? |
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This world doesn't seem to make an awful lot of sense to me either. But life is a gift, and it is so precious. One time I just wanted to die, because that's what abuse does to a person. It crushes the spirit out of a person. It can make a person feel like they will never amount to anything, like a reject. I don't feel that way anymore, thank goodness. I think I can see through all the crap a lot more these days. I have a right to exist, and if I don't quite fit in, it's not really my fault, because I do try to be a nice person. Everybody seems to expect far too much from their fellow mankind these days, and there's too much prodding and poking going on, no-one seems to be able to relax, and just listen to the birds sing these days. The world is a bit mad, really, and when I was in a psychiatric hospital, it seemed to me that many of the patients were far more sane than the people on the outside! I don't want to "fit in" this world any more, I just want to eat my dinners and wear my clothes and do all the day to day stuff and use my life to full capacity until God calls me home. Have you ever listened to "Working Class Hero" by John Lennon? I love that line "First you must learn how to smile as you kill". If that is "fitting in", I NEVER want to! But life is precious, and can be very good, even for abuse victims. Steal back some of your childhood by playing. Life should be full of games. I dance when I'm cooking dinner, it makes it a lot more fun. I only read books I want to read. Every time you have a choice, make sure it's what YOU want, not what other people tell you that you're supposed to like. Treat yourself nice, and don't let the world and it's pet **** tell you how to live. Life is precious, and so is time, so don't waste any by letting control freaks pinch any more of your precious life. It's yours, to spend however you like. |
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I am a depressed and suffer from panix attacks alot. I don;t like people very much and consider my self a loner and an animal lover. I have a pet cat that is very special to me and he is my life line. with out my cat I hate to think what I may do to myself. You see I been abuse as a child and was very shy and had a father that was very controling and it was his way or no way. I loss all my self power and pretty much have hated him since I was 4 years old, at that age 4-5)he through my pet puppy away, that we just got, out the car in the desert to die and I new right then I would never love him or would want to be like him, I tried later in my early teens to see if I could make it one day that he would show some kindness and please him, but nothing I did was right in his eyes. At 15 I started taking drugs to get high and later that got me in deep trouble and I almost loss my life with drug over dose.
'right now I am thinking I want to live and but still need some help to find out why I have so many other problems in my life. I am trying as an adult to get some ssi disablitilty so I can get my adult life in order. My biggest fear now is driving with panix attacks, that are so real and bad I could hurt myself or someone else. I am hoping that the state will give some assistance so I can once again get my life back, I need a time out. Typing this has help me feel a little bit better, wish me luck. I do plan on getting help either way. Tired of feeling alone and in fear. On the plus side I do have good days once in a while. |
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Just want to tell you that you are an awesome person. I have seen many of your posts, and I know that you have been through alot. You are still a warm, compassionate person. You should feel very proud. I can not seem to loose my bitterness, and it just makes everything worse. |
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Gosh, thanks! Your kind words have lifted me - I'm going to court tomorrow,(I haven't committed any crime, it's the family court), and it makes me feel pretty low, that's why I'm still up and at he computer, unable to sleep. I hate the court so much, I don't think it's fair the way some people, women are being criminalised for trying to protect their children in the UK. Some of the laws are getting really stupid. I think it's best not to be bitter and angry, though I have got so angry that I made a plastercine model of the horrible man who is taking me to court, and stuck pins in it and stamped on it! Still, it's better than sticking pins and stamping on him!!!! I think bashing some inanimate object is a good outlet for really strong angry thoughts. You can't help being angry if the anger is well deserved, but thumping people is not the done thing. But I think if a person is honest and tries to do the right thing, God honours that, and looks after the person. |
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Your welcome! I, too, have been dealing with legal issues with the government for almost 7 years. I, too, am not the criminal, although I have been treated like one. There is no justice in America unless you are rich. Thank you for your ideas on dealing with my anger. They are the best I have heard. I have never been so angry for so long, and all it does is eat me up. All I have done from the very beginning of this mess is to be honest and do the right thing. Hopefully God does honor that, because quite clearly nobody else does. Good luck in court today - I hope it goes well for you. |
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hey - well maybe u should go to the doc. and have u told about bout what ur brother is doin to u ?// if not u need to NOW!!! nikki |
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WOW! Thanks for replying. What you said about being honest and trying to do the right thing hit a chord - that's all I have been trying to do as well. I haven't done anything to deserve being taken to court and treated like a criminal, unless trying to bring up a little disabled boy and protect him from a wicked and manipulative abuser is a crime now. I think it is now, in the UK - all our law courts seem to have been taken over by brain dead zombies! Our government is corrupt and ineffective, and when a government is bad, law and order go for a ride on a **** wagon. It soumnds like you have a good reason for your anger, and you have a right to feel angry. Anger can be a good force if it is channelled into energy. You can use that anger to motivate you to fight for justice. That's what I do, but sometimes I need to make a model to smash up as well! Keep telling the truth, and the truth will come out. I am absolutly rock solid 100% certain that God does honour that, and when a person has to fight in this way for justice and they stay true to heir integrity, it makes that person very strong and care very earnestly about justice for everyone else, it does something to you inside you. My solicitor said that perhaps my case will become a test case and change the ridiculous law. Other people are caught up in the same struggle that I am having in the family court. I had to fight to get some papers into the judge's hands today, but I did it, and I feel very pleased. |
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i hate my self and im at the point now where i just wont to cut myself to deep and die! nikki
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hey, nikki, please don't cut yourself!!!! i know thats hypocritical since i'm a cutter (11th day without it though, its been hard), but if you just wait it out the temptation will pass. you see, cutting is like any other addiction, or illness, or whatever you'd like to call it. its like drinking, if you do it, your body begins to crave more, and by the time you realize what your doing, its too late. if you don't do it, the temptation will pass and you don't have to worry about it till your feeling down again. please don't hurt yourself! why do you feel like that anyway? |
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Daily Horoscope for November 27
Gemini
Venus and Mars egg each other on, tempting you towards social and sexual excess. You're far too wise to find yourself in bed with a stranger, but keep the alcoholic drinks to a minimum anyway. You wouldn't want to get wild and then realize you've had a one-night stand with the boss's niece or nephew. Avoid iffy situations.
