Bipolar and career

I'd always been a driven and energetic girl, just given to bouts of sentimentality, or so I thought.
Now, I realise that the increasing frequency of depression and lack of ability to concentrate, has been a sign of my Bipolar II disorder.
I've been performing badly and incurring the wrath of my choleric boss.
Have you guys been able to hold a job for long? How did you manage your episodes?

Funny you described it as such, energetic, or having "bouts of sentimentality" is how I thought I was as well. I was diagnosed just over a year ago and have been suffering for possibly 5 years now that I'm 29 years old.

It's just now really beginning to interfere with my job as well. When the depression hits I just want to hide in my bed and sleep away the entire depression. It can really feel impossible to get up sometimes. My husband can't understand it at all and just thinks I'm being lazy, he doesn't know I'm on the verge of tears and I generally only get up on the really bad days and pretend to get ready until he leaves so I can call in sick and get back under the covers.

I keep talking with my pdoc but I'm aware that if this keeps up I'll lose my job, and I've never been this bad before. Usually I keep a job for never less than 2 years, often lots longer. This ones only been for 7 months and I'm not about to explain why this is happening to my boss. I'll just stay in close contact with my doctor each week. Good luck to you too, you aren't alone.

hey Anna - I'm doing nearly the same thing! I stay with my parents who are now convinced I'm a bummer and will never make it good, and I'm so upset they, and my friends, keep telling me things like "snap out of it" or "don't be lazy".

I'm 26 this year and was diagnosed a month ago. In retrospect, I've been feeling this way for the last 13 years.

I'm quitting my job tomorrow - the longest one as yet (10 months).

I'm here with you.

Yeah, it's been this way for a long time for me also, but it really is getting worse and that worries me. I finally quit today after making excuses or just not giving one for why I showed up 2 hours late or not at all sometimes. BP is so misunderstood and so many people have an angry, agressive sterotype in their minds when they think of it, which isn't me at all. When I'm manic I do things that mainly hurt myself. When I'm depressed I just wish the world would forget about me and leave me alone.

I haven't ever tried explaining that to any boss, but I can't imagine the reaction that would get so I don't even begin.

One thing that has helped though and is a recent thing (in the last year) is that my doctor has prescribed Provigil, 50-100mg daily to me depending on how sleepy I have been. It's an anti-narcoleptic med (haha, sounds about right for me) and it's just enough of a kick that I'll sleep for maybe 2-3 hours instead of 12-13, literally. I still can't fight the want to crawl back into bed but it really helps me to just function and get things done even if its only a little bit on the bad days.

I'm here with you too... its always good to know you're not the only one.:)

Welcome to the club!! Hope this break will do us both good ¡V in the long run ƒº

SLEEP (sorry, I have short attention span and needs to categorise things)
omg - that's so me! I've been sleeping non-stop and haven't been turning up for work for 2 days in a week, for the past month.

I'm on Lexapro and Lamictal - I noticed that I got more tired since I got started on them. The thing is that everyone experiences different side-effects so we actually have to experiment with various cocktails - not a nice thought.

OTHER ODDITIES
Hey do you have a headache whenever you have to focus on something? I¡¦ve been wondering if I have brain cancer instead.

Just finished a phone conversation with friend ¡V is it normal to start weeping in the middle of her joke? I don¡¦t know what¡¦s going on¡K

MANIC
You hurt yourself? I'm not quite sure I've come across that in my reading. I hope you¡¦ve mentioned that to your doc. And pls don¡¦t hurt yourself. Remember what you are before mania/depression. What you are doing now has been coloured by mania/depression ¡V this is not you. Mania/depression may be you but hurting yourself ¡V I¡¦m sure you don¡¦t think this is you coz you don¡¦t sound like you enjoy it.

I get happy and do crazy stuff that thrills people to bits.

DEPRESSION
now that I'm quiet and sad, and people can't understand, i feel so alone. I keep reminding myself these are my good friends who just can't accept my mood swings, not fairweather friends...

JOB
I told my supervisor and some other colleagues. They're oppen-minded and been a great help - one even planned some meetings for me so that I need not be in office for a day! ;-) I won¡¦t be explaining that to bosses in future though.. I can¡¦t even imagine what the future holds. I told my colleagues: my only plan after this job is to sleep. My only short- and long-term plan.

FRIENDS
Me too! I sent an email to a few friends who know about my condition, and who has sense, to tell the other friends to leave me alone¡K How can I receive when I can¡¦t give, is another problem. Are you making any headway in this aspect?

The funniest thing I ever heard was that the one who worked me was going to school to be a nurse.,WOW

ush0511, I wrote back to you just a few hours after you initially posted this, wrote out a nice letter to you and posted it quickly just as my son got home from school... I guess I didn't wait to see the response before I logged off, sorry about that.

Shorter version than earlier:

I like your categories :).

I do get headaches, funny you mentioned that. I never have brought it up though to my doctor, only my husband because they're pretty dull but they usually last a day or two, occationally longer and when they finally go away I'm totally worn out from them. They happen once every 4-8 weeks. Not too often, so again, I haven't mentioned them to my doc.

When I'm manic I'm great to be around, I love to go out dancing, to concerts, I'm game for all kinds of things. I just also tend to put myself in bad situations. Situations that I might lose control of so that later I won't feel so guilty over what has happened. But I know I was still the one that put myself there in the first place. This is mainly concerning money and addictions.

My depressions have really had me keep myself at arms length from many meaningful relationships and friendships at all. Instead of allowing them to find out that I'm not the fun, outgoing person they think I am when they meet me, I just let myself fade out of their lives and meet new people. This must also hurt some of them also who don't understand why I disappear and I'll always regret that.

You're further along than I am in being able to share this with those close to you and your colleagues. Only my immediate family knows and those anonymous people who read of me online. And that is definitely the way I want it to stay for now. As the gentleman who just posted before me so graciously demonstrated, there's a strong negative stigma toward BP people. Because you and I are having a conversation about the common problem we have with sleeping and our careers, and someone else with BP burned him, he's assuming that she is incapable of being a highly competent nurse.

I'll go ahead and assume that because he's still whining and crying about an ex-girlfriend dumping him that he's a mommas boy who still lives at home and isn't competent enough to do his own laundry then? Generalizations like that make no sense. I'd rather people judge me for who I actually am and not by what they've heard from other people. Especially because I know now the hurt I've caused over the years, I'm religiously on my meds every day for the past year and I go to see my pdoc once a week.

I think this website is a great tool for those of us looking to better ourselves by seeking out others in the same situation, and talking about similarities and differences so that we can learn from eachother. Even those like the previously mentioned poster might learn something new and will hopefully keep whatever hard feelings he may have limited to that one relationship if he can't let them go and not have every one after it suffer as well.

I will be honest with you. I have been diagnosed with Manic BiPolar since I was 16 years old and my family knew something was wrong at age 13. The longest I have been able to hold a job is almost 3 years. Sometimes I feel like such a failure but I don't know what to do. It has also affected my family and at 17 or 18 there was a serious incident. I am currently dealing with problems at my work. I did learn that regaurdless if everyone feels the same way about a person, don't be the one to blow the whistle because if you do, you will be the one whom is ostrasized.

I think we can safely deduce (not assume! ;-))that Jobs should read up on BP.

Anna, you totally described my feelings about fading away, and not wanting people to catch me in this bad state..[*grunt* it feels good and bad to be able to identify with the things you're going through. good in that we are suffering from the same ol' BP symptoms, bad in that "hey. I'm REALLY BP." ;-)] It may not actually be bad to "fade out" - if that's what you need at that moment, take it. I guess you/we owe them an explanation. I find it useful to just say "I haven't been feeling well today/tomorrow." Sometimes I'd agree to meet - and then cancel on them at the last minute. It seems easier for others to accept a tangible reason (a 'REAL' sickness) or see that you're making effort (eg. saying 'yes' then cancelling, rather than saying 'no' and missing them..)

Do you all find it difficult to engage in life? or to concentrate on what the person in front of you is saying?

Sheetsgreeneyes, I'm trying to rouse myself out of this rut and I think that the meds will help to a certain extent, after which we've gotta rely on..Deepak Chopra and Anthony Robbins. Baby step at a time.(ps. 3 years is good!)

Everything that I have read from each of you I understand.... I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I with a nonspecified eating disorder. I have been this way ever since my parents split up when I was six, always really really happy or extremely depressed and going to school crying or not going to school at all. But I wasn't diagnosed until college and they drugged me up. I've been on everything from Paxil to Depakote to Celexa to Inderol, etc. Right now I'm taking elavil, effexor xr, lamictil, topamax, and inderol and that's just for BP. So Anna I know what you're going through..... feeling like you're in a well and just don't know how to climb out. In the last 3 years I haven't had a job for more than a year although I graduated with a degree in Biomedical Engineering with a concentration in Tissue Engineering (which I have no idea how I did that from WPI which I had to take a term off to get my head straight) but haven't gotten a job in the field because I can't find one or maybe I'm just not looking hard enough because I'm afraid I just won't be able to cut it as an engineer because of this disease. The corporate world just doesn't understand yet the unpredictable, irritable, and sometimes absent mood that this chemically based disease makes us. For us it is also hard to completely explain to our employers what is wrong with us because of the stigma that society has put on BP Disorder. So talk the people closest to you, let them know that you can't do this alone, you need help because when I was going through everything, my dad came up to college and went to dinner with me everyweek just to talk about how everything was going after I had gotten out of the Psych ward. With that and some really good medication I was on the way to balancing my life. Things aren't perfect now but they are better. I get up everyday which as we all know is a big accomplishment in itself. I go to work everyday. So talk to your doctor and your loved ones and everything will get better.

I'm so glad you started this thread ush0511... just for the few of us that have found it I think it's been good to know we aren't alone. And definitely, there are times engaging in life is nearly impossible.

ALJ, you bring up the main heartache for me. Ever since I was a little girl I'd wanted to fly. I'm a pilot and was working towards my commercial certificates to fly for the big airlines when I was diagnosed. There are all kinds of reasons the FAA will disqualify a person for their medical certificate with long, drawn out details, and then mixed in with all of them in the list is a very short reason... "A Bipolar Disorder."

So thats gone. And I can't even fly for fun anymore. Sometimes I can't help but think we've all been so ripped off, but I keep at it, with the meds, because I know I'm so much better off on them and knowing the diagnosis even if it means I give that up. Even though I don't know when I'll get over that. This is a very big poor me story, but dang, I'm angry about it. And you've obviously studied hard for your career as well that you haven't been able to take advantage of yet either.

While I was in college I used to work for American Airlines as a gate/ticket agent. I would love to go back to at least working for the airlines in another capacity just to be around the planes, but I'm afraid this time around that I'd screw it up now. Like you said, I just don't know if I could cut it anymore. Everything started for me around when I was 16 but got really bad in my early 20's. I've just been working very unfulfilling jobs that won't matter so much if I need to quit or call in sick to. And I think this just adds to my depression/dissatisfaction with the way things are.

How are you dealing with having gone so far to be able to have the career you'd always wanted and then not actually being able to have it due to BP?

hey I'm climbing out of my depression! Just wanted to share this with you guys.(How odd - people usually come with good news like "I have a baby" or "I had a promotion" and all I (we?) aspire towards is to feel the sun on my skin)

I had what seemed the perfect job - great colleagues, doing what I like (writing/editing books and a magazine)(minus crazy boss who0 triggered my depression) and now.. I'm serving my last day on Thur and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here either. I'm scared I can't hold down another job for a year, for the rest of my life.

I read that there are many successful Americans because a large proportion of the population has BP. Not sure how accurate that is, but since I'm Singaporean, I shan't bother =) Do let this be a source of encouragement to you, though.

I'd Googled the words "success stories", "career", "bipolar" and there weren't many inspiring ones. After reading Kay Jamieson's book about creative people having depression or BP, I was even more gloomy -'coz most of them committed suicide. THEN AGAIN, Dr Kay has depression herself.

Then I read the biography of Diane Arbus.

All rather successful - and dead.

Must we stick to dissatisfying jobs?

Can it be mind over matter....can we just will all this away?

Anna: To answer your question as to how I feel about having gone as far to have a degree but not being able to obtain what I really want. It's very depressing. I came from a family where I was the child that was suppose to make something of themself. I was 8 out of 250 students in my high school class. I got straight A's, even 100's on my report card in Science and Math class. I was an extremely good student. I can play four instruments. But I think I always kept myself so busy so that I didn't have to deal with the depression. That and I went through so many manic spells that I took on so much. I'm sure you know how that goes, thus the four instruments. Through the years I just kept adding them on. Marching band, winter percussion, orchestra, string quartet, etc. I also was a peer mediator at school and part of National Honor Society. In additional I also did community service. I was very rarely home. Moving away from home and to college in Worcester was very difficult. I actually almost dropped out. I didn't do very well with change. I lost about 30ish pounds in less than two months. Couldn't eat, sleep, had really bad anxiety attacks where I would throw up. But when all was said and done I made it through. During all of this I thought wow, I'm such a loser, I'm suppose to be the child that makes it. And here I am, still not making it. Do I blame it on my condition, my disease? Yeah, I guess so. But I try not to let it get me down. I just do what I can do and keep going. I've learned that I'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life and that I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life if I want to live a "normal" productive social life without going completely insane. My fiancee has severe depression so it helps having someone who somewhat understands and he has done some research on it and knows me really well by now to know how to handle me during my episodes. So, yes, it is very frustrating to know that because of BP that I cannot fully achieve what I had hoped for. I feel like I let my entire family down, especially my dad who has a PhD. in pharmacology. He's extremely smart and motivated and works in a medical device company. I really wanted to make something of myself to prove to him how special I was and I feel that I have disappointed him. Let me know how you are doing, Anna.

I finally signed up, this Anna. You've been very successful in your life and its great that you have an understanding partner. I'm only just barely coming out of a really, really bad depression. My doctor added Effexor to everything else and it looks like I'm getting ready for an away trip for a month or two to Arizona for a "supervised vacation" to get my meds in order and just get away from it all.

I just shut down completely for the past two weeks. I was sleeping all day long and waking up at about 8pm for 6-10 hours to eat and watch tv and then sleeping again. I was having groceries delivered, and my son stay at a sitters until my husband got home. I didn't leave the house for 9 days straight, even just to step outside.

My stay isn't mandatory, but I really want to go. I want to go and get this all worked out. I want to get some SUN. I'm originally from CA and all it does is rain up here by Seattle. This time of year is always hard because the rain has been going and going for months by now and I really miss dry, hot sunshine. I think Arizona would be good.

Right now I hate having BP. I'm angry that it just sneaks up on me and takes over weeks of my life and ruins them. I hate that it weakens me physically and drains me mentally to the point that all I can do is sleep. I've been on my meds for nearly 2 years now and I want my life back. I hate that so many people don't really understand just how hard BP is for the people that have it and also that I don't want to be the one to explain it to all of them.

I got off track, I guess where my anger is coming from is that I love to fly, truly since I was a little girl thats all I've ever imagined myself doing and that's gone and I've had a miserable time with that. And then I read of all of your accomplishments that you've yet to fulfill and that ush0511 has yet to maintain her career goals.

I just hope that there really is some magic medication "cocktail" that will be just perfect for each of us and that our doctors will find it eventually.

I want to work but my disorder is stopping me.

7am and I'm still awake. As it has been for the last 2-3 weeks.

After leaving my last job, I went into hermit mode for a month where I seldom left my house. Now I'm in hypomania, working (doing freelance work) till 9am before I can sleep. Been meeting clients and even managing to land a few travel stints.

I don't know how long this will last.

I feel very incapable of love as well. The guy I'm dating just told me: Being sick isn't very attractive. And said he's scared: "What if you fall sick (get depressed) again? For a long time?"

We've been having problems in our relationship and one moment, I'll be upset and crying, but determined to make this work, I'd cheer up and will be cracking jokes. He dished out another killer question: do you think you are cycling very rapidly?

How do I differentiate myself from my disease? Do you all know how?

Wow, you sound a lot like I do. When I talk with my psych, we don't really talk about the disorder itself or actual labels for it so I don't know. She's never specifically told me if I'm BP1 or BP2 or told me that I'm rapid cycling. And when we talk, we talk about so many other things that I never get around to stuff like that. Then there comes a time like this when I wish I had asked. I think I'll make it a point now to ask her for the specifics the next time I see her.

From what I've read, I assume I'm rapid cycling. It seems like some people with BPD can have as little as one manic episode a year, where I have them every 4-6 weeks and I'm actually happy with that. I couldn't imagine waiting a whole year to get my big energy bursts. Honestly, I think of it as a positive thing now that I'm in treatment and my manias are managable I can really use them to get a lot done. I don't look at rapid cycling as a bad thing at all, but I can definitely see how it could be for some people. It sounds like you're using the time to your advantage also and as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others I think thats great.:)

My times of mania are when I get everything done that I'd been avoiding. I take care of any appointments I've been needing to make, visit with friends I'd been neglecting when I was hiding out at home, and finish up projects I'd left undone.

Then I go into hermit mode too when it wears off. I'm most active at night when nobody is around me. I'm finding that it's because, for me, when I'm depressed I just don't really want to see many people. I'll start doing some yardwork at dusk (if at all) so I won't see neighbors or very early in the morning (like 6am) before I go to sleep finally. I've even started having groceries delivered regularly now. Also theres less stress in the middle of the night; the phone doesn't ring, the doorbell doesn't ring, no calls need to be made, my son doesn't need to get picked up or dropped off anywhere, etc. It's a very "me" time. When I'm depressed I barely leave my house at all except in the middle of the night.

For my relationship, I'm glad neither one lasts too long. My husband is starting to understand it a little bit, but I think if I were in my hermit mode for much longer his patience would wear thin. And I frequently feel incapable of love also when I'm like that because I feel so badly about myself and in general that I just don't want him around to see me like that. He just wants to be there with me because he knows I'm upset. Then he ends up feeling unappreciated when I want to be by myself. So I feel even worse.

As far as differentiating myself from my disorder... I don't know how. I'm not so sure when it started for me. I know when it became unmanagable on my own. But after receiving my diagnosis and learning about BPD, so many of my decisions and behaviors finally started making sense.

I really like the person that I am. I like the person that I was when I was when I was a little kid and as I became an adult. I guess if I didn't have BPD I'd have been a lot different.

The only things I wish I could change would be that I'd realized the need to be treated before my worst manic episode, and I'm still really crushed that I can't fly anymore because of BPD. Didn't even get a goodbye flight, that was it, license revoked. Anyway, I'm getting over it... slowly.

And, no. I don't know how to differentiate myself from the disorder. It's a part of me. But I'm learning to keep in mind that the bad times pass and before long I'll be back to the happy me. And I'm ok with that, its the way its always been.:)

Hey ush0511, if you want, I'd love to talk with you off of here sometime. My Myspace is on my profile here and you can message me there if you ever feel like it.

Good luck with the freelance work, have fun travelling. Even in work, I always love to get out of my element for a while.

I was just diagnosed with BP this summer and am currently in recovery from my first major depression. I also have never asked my psychiatrist which type; however, I am certain that I have the rapid cycling variant. I have definitely started questioning who I really am, and how much of who I thought I was is from my BP. I noticed years ago that when my mood was good, it never lasted very long, and I would soon become incredibly irritable and full of anger and rage. Then I would crash and feel so guilty for whatever I had said to whoever it be. I have learned that my type of BP is not like the textbooks say, as my "highs" do not stay very positive for very long...sometimes I wonder if I get mixed episodes.
My question to everyone, what type of job is best for someone with BP? I have searched and searched for actual examples, but all I can find is "low stress". I was working in the social services sector, which I think might have contributed to triggering my current episode. As well, constantly working shift work. I feel like I am not cut out for this anymore, and and not sure where to go from here. Any suggestions?