Wife of an Alcoholic in Need of Advice

Tresha wrote:

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We just got back from an RC shop where he spent his upcming week's beer money on a radio controlled airplane. He also inquired about related clubs, of which there are two. He asked me to come with him so it would be easier for him to get the tea at the convenience store rather than the beer. I'm not sure if the people in the flying clubs drink, but they do have morning events, so he may start there.
Regarding medications and self-medication, I understand what you are saying. It is dangerous for laypeople to be overriding medical professionals and using fear of immediate death by relapse to convince people not to follow legitimate medical advice. When I was working in the industry, that was not happening other than careful consideration when the need for pain management arose. It is frightening to hear that this is going on now.

Sounds like he's on the right track, and so are you. You're supportive in a loving and healthy way. Best wishes.

I've got some good support here, we both do. I never was much of an enabler, so everyone was aware of the amount he was consuming and they were concerned. He made his realization early, if you can call it that. While he admits to it being somewhere around 10 years since he's gone a day without alcohol, this marriage (and extended family, all adults) is nowhere near devastated. I apologize for the way this sounds, but I was so happy to find this forum and discover I/we didn't have it so bad at all.

He was never abusive, always affectionate, and pretty consistent. Most of his drunker moments were after everyone else was asleep. Don't get me wrong, definitely alcoholic ... but maybe a more introspective one? He takes responsibility and always has, no blaming or lashing out. We haven't even approached any kind of divorce thoughts, but were both aware that at some point, something would have to be done (detox center).

I'm confident, but not very encouraged by "rock bottom" thoughts. Sure things are going well now, but he hasn't lost everything yet ... this can't be "rock bottom." What does that mean?

Tresha wrote:

I've got some good support here, we both do. I never was much of an enabler, so everyone was aware of the amount he was consuming and they were concerned. He made his realization early, if you can call it that. While he admits to it being somewhere around 10 years since he's gone a day without alcohol, this marriage (and extended family, all adults) is nowhere near devastated. I apologize for the way this sounds, but I was so happy to find this forum and discover I/we didn't have it so bad at all.
He was never abusive, always affectionate, and pretty consistent. Most of his drunker moments were after everyone else was asleep. Don't get me wrong, definitely alcoholic ... but maybe a more introspective one? He takes responsibility and always has, no blaming or lashing out. We haven't even approached any kind of divorce thoughts, but were both aware that at some point, something would have to be done (detox center).
I'm confident, but not very encouraged by "rock bottom" thoughts. Sure things are going well now, but he hasn't lost everything yet ... this can't be "rock bottom." What does that mean?

"Rock bottom" is another dangerous and incorrect teaching of AA...that alcoholics must "hit bottom" before they can turn around and recover, and to some that means death. Obviously, this is a dangerous idea and encourages people to continue to drink and harm themselves as long as they have more to lose.
The reality is that people quit when they realize that the only way to win the game is not to play it. When they realize that they truly cannot have the pleasures without the pain and make the decision to stop poisoning their lives. That is an individual matter and decision.

I married my childhood sweetheart recently after a terrible divorce from a verbally abusive man.
He told me he was an alcoholic and I should run. But I thought he had it in control. He had a terrible time last winter that scared me. I never had been around it.
He got help at a local detox and has done pretty good not great since. This past week he became very intoxicated and monday came he quit his job. I left to visit family for a few days.He thought I left him so after drinking the whole time I was gone he has sobered up now. today is day 3 of not drinking and he just commented how terrible it is that nothing feels fun.
I have two young children. I dont want them to live with a drunk stepfather.
But I love him ad dont want to lose him. Unless he refuses to change. He wont do AA says it is for losers.
He used to make me melt now I noticed I am struggling with finding desire to be affectionate. Only married for 2 months.:(

Yes the charm disapears, yesterday my husband got drubk and I got upset and he made me feel disgusted of him. EEEUuu
Well if I had any children I would keep him as a steady boyfriend but not let my kids arround him.. my husband blames his alcoholism on him watching hos stepdad get drubk as well. Nope my husband does not like AA either. But I just completley avoid getting in the emptional rolloercoaster with him, kind of live my life and have a room mate (him) when he is drunk, when he is sober then he becomes my husband again sort of like a double life its my way for coping, yes love has made me stay as well
chelita

confused wrote:

I married my childhood sweetheart recently after a terrible divorce from a verbally abusive man.
He told me he was an alcoholic and I should run. But I thought he had it in control. He had a terrible time last winter that scared me. I never had been around it.
He got help at a local detox and has done pretty good not great since. This past week he became very intoxicated and monday came he quit his job. I left to visit family for a few days.He thought I left him so after drinking the whole time I was gone he has sobered up now. today is day 3 of not drinking and he just commented how terrible it is that nothing feels fun.
I have two young children. I dont want them to live with a drunk stepfather.
But I love him ad dont want to lose him. Unless he refuses to change. He wont do AA says it is for losers.
He used to make me melt now I noticed I am struggling with finding desire to be affectionate. Only married for 2 months.:(

I met my husband when I was 15 yrs old, moved in with him when I was 16. we used to drink beer together at night after school me/work him. I got pregnant, we split up. i saw him when our daughter was 5, he was drunk. After 12 yrs and 2 marraiges (#2 was an alcoholic) we met again, I should have high tailed it out of there and run like the devil was at my back!!, Nope thought he would change, after 2 yrs I told him I would marry him if he could stay sober for 6 months , that would show me he was serious and did love me and the kids (3). Got married 6 months later, wedding night I woke and found him drunk. and its been on again off again for 15 yrs. now drugs get involved, he got very sick, was down for 6 months, lost his business, we lost our home and filed bankruptsy, I found he was racking up credit cards taking out cash...for the last 6 yrs I have been the sole support of this family (all kids grown thank the Lord) I have stayed for so many yrs because I loved him, but every time he drinks (gets money from me and ?, it angers me! I was out of work for 1 yr to get my real estate license and when I didn't bring in money he told me "it's been a year I can't support us by myself anymore". I have been doing this for 6 yrs!!!! he still isn't working or has even tried to work. I have decided that this time I am finished. I am almost 50 yrs old now and will now start to heal myself, I am tired of the anger and bitterness I have felt for so long. I told him to leave, he then decided he would pound on the door until I let him in,(i did because he started at 11pm and at 430am i finally realized i only had 2 hrs left before my alarm would go off for work.(I am a nurse). I let him in and locked him out of the room and got a little sleep. in the morning I told him he had to leave, I was done, He said "yea right" he came back around during the day "I called off work I was too tired to drive or function, he pulled out in front of the house and sat in his car "growling" yelling and hitting the steering wheel,(he's not normally violent), I could tell he had been drinking, when I saw him leave I was so angry that he would place the lives of others at risk I called 911, they didn't find him. at about 11pm he came back pounding on the door drunk again, I tried to ignore it, one more night no sleep, but at 4am I couldn't take it anymore, I opened the door and heard him say "here she is", I looked over at the drive and saw police, the neighbors had called 911 and reported a man outside growling at his car.... his car was parked half out in the street.... he went to jail for but a few hours, I went to work, tired and knew I had to stand my ground. I will not go back to that life, it is not my life, I haven't had alcohol in my house because he cant drink. I have no friends because I turned myself into a hermit afraid of what others would think of my husband. He is actually going into treatment this week, yeah for him, I wish him much luck and happiness, I will now build my self esteem, stop saying no to the office get-togethers and picnics and have my grandchildren over with the confidence that there will be no drunken husband to disrupt us. My kids are happy for me and are encouraging me to stand my ground. Yes I was co-dependent, and I will be co-dependent no more.(typed with a smile). thank you all for letting me vent I hope those of you able to bring back sanity into your marraige succeed. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Mr sparkle, how is it you are staying sober? Is it just a decision? My life sounds just like all the others... Together 18 years, married 15, 2 boys 11 and 14. He's a functioning alcoholic that I do not allow to drink PERIOD (ha ha) it used to be 3-4 times a year he would have a big binge. Now it's every other week, smaller drunks. He drinks till he passes out then wakes up every few hours making sure to torment me and my 14 year old with verbal assaults all the while claiming to be sober. Today he drive his truck into the neighbors yard before parking it nose into our camper. I rarely find his empties. He seems to be a good planner when it comes to getting drunk- I never see him drink and follow him around to try to find his stash while the cars are on what I call Lockdown. He slams Vodka but I never find the bottles. If I find anything it's a gatoraid bottle w almost all vodka in it.
He says he's going to stop. He doesn't want to drink. I don't believe he wants to stop. My 14 year old son won't leave if he senses an up and coming drunk. We know the symptoms oh too well. He thinks my husband may hurt me- accidentally I assume because he has never been physically abusive but has hurt me "accidentally" during a struggle for the car keys. Does he want to stop but cannot? Does he not want to stop? Of course I love him and he's a great husband when not drunk (or thinking about getting drunk) blah blah blah... Aren't they all? My son begged me not to get a divorce today.... I have enough video that I dont THINK I'm at risk as far as custody goes. But WHY did it take losing your child to make you want to sober up? Why did it have to go that far? Is there any other way?

Mr Sparkle wrote:

JEEZ!< I know most of my post say just leave. And I stick by this. Annie's post of above reminds me of the crap I would try to pull on my ex-wife. Annie say's:
" Sunday night I stayed strong, let him cry, let him rant and rave, let him go without dinner///// Suddenly he sobered up, calmed down, asking me what I wanted him to do. him to give up drinking altogether? I answered him, that is your decision to make not mine."
Annie I know your struggling but read the section of your post I quoted up until the////marks. Sounds like a post you could read on a forum about "How to deal with a spoiled child"
The second part of the quote the answers is YES you DEMAND he give up drinking all together or you will be contacting a laywer about a LEGAL seperation.
Will he sober up because of that threat? Nope, if he's anything like I was he'll laugh it off because he knows that he's been working you for years. No biggie just "pretend" to not be a drunk (while he's stopping at the booze depot to slam a couple pints on the way home) and you'll fold faster then Superman on laundry day.
Then Annie says ( Annie I don't mean to slam you I know this is a situation you don't know how to deal with):
"I asked, If there was a rehab where you could continue on your meds would you go? There is none he said. I could find such a place would you go I asked , finally he answered no, he has been to so many, knows how to play the game, knows all the answers and it would not help him."
There you have it Annie. The dude is a liar. There are rehabs that if you have a diganoised REAL physical problem they will continue your meds. Ask yourself this question. Would a rehab deny someone thier Bone Cancer medication? or thier pain medication if they were suffering? These are places that are meant to help people. He (your husband) just doesn't want to take the "recomended" daily dose. He wants to swallow 5 pills in the moring.(Whats he on percoset?oxycotin, loratabs,valium, lithium, xaxnax?) or some other drug that comes from a street dealer in a lab coat?

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have a blended family of kids yours,mine and ours. He has always been a drinker even before we got together( and I was warned before we got to far into our relationship)that he had a prob with drinking, but at the time it wasnt that bad. Over the years it has gotten worse. Things like bills not being paid utilites getting shut off forclosing on our home all because of his drinking. He is a very hard working man and has always worked. A few years ago I noticed his drinking was getting worse. Passing out in the garage, falling down steps, falling over in the house all where the kids could see. Never getting physically or verbally abusive. Ive asked him to get help in the past and he didnt. This has taken a toll on my children and I. I refuse to let my children grow up in this situation. A few months ago I took all 8 of my kids and moved out. Since then he has recognized he has a problem and has slowed down on drinking....but there are times when he is completely drunk and passed out. He says now all he needs is me and the kids to move back home and he wont touch a drop again....do I believe him? How do I get past the emotional and physical strain this has put on my children and I? How do I get over the him choosing beer over me and my kids? How do I get past all he has taken away from us?

since writing my post in august of last year i have taken my husband back into our home once, just before Christmas. Unfortunately , or maybe fortunately for me I just couldn't let myself get too close this time. I asked him to look for work, he hasn't worked for 7 years now, the first year he was ill, after that i guess he just wasn't motivated and started drinking again after 5 yrs sobriety. He talked about going to school for drug alcohol counselor, but he needs to be sober first not just dry. he talked about becoming a Realtor, but, see the pattern? he has no money so again it would be up to me to foot the bill. I asked him to maybe try for something part time to help pay for school, he decided to try sweepstakes online, hours a day on the comp, he says he cant work a regular job. well he started drinking again a few weeks ago pretty heavy so out i kicked him again. he began yelling outside my home nasty things, so i called 911, they came out and took him to his church. our daughter picked him up for the day and his sister drove down and took him home with her. I filed for restraining order on 2/13/12,i had filed for divorce but had not served him as yet, he was informed of this by me on 2/19 when he started contacting me again, at this he was drinking and threatened to come out and shoot me. 911 again was called. They picked him up drunk that night and took him to jail for holding, got him on dui, and they new about the threat but did not seem to think that important. I drove out to the jail that night to serve him, he still wasn't there. the next day i babysat my grandchildren at my daughters house, he showed up before she left and she served him my divorce and restraining orders. he left but after many calls to her and she told him he had to stay away from me, he showed up drunk anyway. my grandchildren saw this , they are scared of him, he doesn't care when hes drinking, booze is #1, grandpa's girl now cries when she sees him. my daughter had me call pd. he was then arrested again by same pd in less than 24 hrs. his sisters want charges dropped on breaking restraining order, but they wont take him in either, i wont drop charges, as my husband stated when my son was arrested and put in jail for dui "at least we know where he is and everyone on the streets is safe", well ditto for him....drunks don't remember most of the time what they are saying or doing when they are drunk, they will use that as an excuse for all to go back to normal until the next time. I don't think he would shoot me but why take a chance, he "doesn't remember what he said" so why should i think he would remember what he does? i go to court for permanent restraining order on the 5th i am asking for immediate divorce. Also he states if i go through with this he will seek spousal support..should i really have to pay for a man capable of working who chooses not to but he prefers to start drinking and running up bills for me to pay? he will go to rehab , many have been offered to him, but he will only go to resort type rehabs, i have bills there too. now he wants a more expensive one ins. wont pay? give me a break, I am so much better without him, my coworkers have seen the difference as have my children. I am happier and off anxiety meds. good luck and many prayers to all who read this whether your the alcoholic or co dependent there is life out there. you just have to decide to live it with or without alcohol.

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nice to know lots of us out there giving each other strength and understanding that we deserve a life

nice to know not the only one that is having difficulties deciding whether to stay or go fed up of him being sick and getting all the attention when I am suffering as well

i have put my family through hell in the last two years. thank god for aa meetings. i enjoy being sober and am thankful to god for having a loving wife. my gosh it scares me to know how close i came to losing her forever. i swear the alcohol will destroy a relationship. so many terrible things have happened from drinking.

sober thank god wrote:

i have put my family through hell in the last two years. thank god for aa meetings. i enjoy being sober and am thankful to god for having a loving wife. my gosh it scares me to know how close i came to losing her forever. i swear the alcohol will destroy a relationship. so many terrible things have happened from drinking.

amazing how much power a bottle has over our lives isn't it?

You don't know if a alcoholic is going to change . The only thing you can do is change your self

On this website you can find some videos, tips and documents about how to deal with it. I think you will find it very useful. Good luck.

http://www.haveigotaproblem.com/categories/11...

pamelasmith80 wrote:

On this website you can find some videos, tips and documents about how to deal with it. I think you will find it very useful. Good luck.
http://www.haveigotaproblem.com/categories/11...

Good one ;)