Man's insistence on not being alone with girl, 5, makes sense

Your answer to LW1 was punitive and overreacting. This is not HIS niece. Whatever happened -- and it appears their "investigation" concluded that this was the child's overactive imagination -- this child got a LOT of attention and now knows how to get more. He never agreed to be this child's caretaker, but you've assumed that because he refuses to be put in a position of danger to HIM and his future, that he is irresponsible. Obviously if he wanted to harm her, he would be trying to be alone with her. That is not the case. It's very hard to balance he said/she said when she is a child. Nonetheless, he has every right to protect himself and to not be forced into a child-care situation he did not agree to in the first place.

The man who said he no longer wanted to be alone with his girlfriend's 5-year-old niece is right. He is making sure to avoid even the appearance of anything improper. He has everything to lose should someday in the near or distant future an accusation is made and people recall him being alone with her. This is no reflection on the girl, but just a sad reality of life today.

Amy is way, way, way offbase in her reply to LW1:

- "Most of what young children say has some basis in reality"

Really? Some 5 year old children think they can fly, or that they can swim (when they haven't learned yet). Plenty of 5 year olds believe in the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, and Santa Clause, too. Sorry, Amy - wrong on this score.

- "Being in law enforcement, he should be more—not less—understanding about this incident."

This is bass ackwards. He is a law enforcement officer, not a social worker or psychologist. Being in law enforcement, he is is not supposed to be "understanding" about anything. He is supposed to be investigative and credulous. Wrong again, Amy.

"The fact that he is so punitive and blames a 5-year-old for this incident highlights his own immaturity."

The definition of "punitive" is doing something to make soneone else feel bad about themselves. There is no evidence that he is trying to make his niece feel bad by ignoring her. Rather, he doesn't want to be ALONE with her. That suggests that his actions are not intended to be punitive of the niece, but defensive of himself. Wrong yet again, Amy.

- "he can't be trusted to treat her well."
This is absurd. What is Amy's evidence for that claim? There is zero - ZERO - evidence for it in the letter. Amy is going out on a limb, well beyond what people much closer to the situtation -- LW1 and the niece's parents -- seem to believe ("chalk it up to a misunderstanding").

With Amy being wrong on so many points, what's going on here? In my reading, the real issue here has nothing to do with the niece.

Rather, the unspoken subtext here appears to be that LW1 is assessing whether this young man will make a good father or not for LW1's own children. That's why this minor "incident" with the niece (and I hesitate to call it even that) has taken on such emotional weight.

If that is indeed why LW1 feels "this might be the end of our relationship", then she should perhaps make that decision on more firm and solid grounds than this he said/she said interaction involving a 5-year-old.

Apologies for the length of my previous comment, especially to those who hasn't had their morning caffeine yet.

(Yes, Rational, that's you!)

Many people are avoiding any situations involving kids in todays world. All it takes is one reprimand or anything that the child doesn't like to trigger the "he/she touched me" nightmare to begin. Public schools have always had a rule prohibiting anyone to be alone with a child. Many churches obviously had no such policy

Remember the Baltimore middle school girl who claimed a construction worker sexually assaulted her in the school's bathroom? The workers were immediately condemned. Later it turned out the girl had lied, however the school continued to change policy against the workers.

This officer knows what he is talking about. It's even harder with a 5-year old, since she doesn't know how damaging her words can be in today's society.

Whose Niece and Polarity both make excellent points (and no need to apologize for the length, Polarity - you said what needed saying). I almost fell off my chair when I read Amy's answer. Unless she has access to significantly more information that she edited out of that letter, there is no basis to assume that the boyfriend wouldn't treat the little girl well (or even that the boyfried was actually at fault in the original incident - the LW concludes he wasn't). He's simply trying to cover his backside. He's absolutely right about being falsely accused - I'm sure he's seen it plenty.

Really makes me wonder what personal chords this letter struck for Amy - why the ugly reaction?

Polarity wrote:

Apologies for the length of my previous comment, especially to those who hasn't had their morning caffeine yet.
(Yes, Rational, that's you!)

Comments of that quality and depth of thought are rare enough in this arena that I can wait for my coffee! Your observations are so spot on so as to reinforce the feeling that I got that Amy is taking the position that whatever happens is the fault of any adult male present.

Keep them coming!

I disagree with Amy.

I wouldn't want to be left in the room with that kid either. Who knows what she might say next?

I agree with the officer. He's trying to avoid another "situation" with that kid.

Polarity wrote:

Amy is way, way, way offbase in her reply to LW1:....

Oooh! I had a rant all planned, Polarity, and you came and took the words right out of my mouth - which was hanging open in outright astonishment after reading Amy's appallingly bad response!!!

Kudos!!!!

No need to post -- In regards to LW1, I'm in agreement with you all.

I think we're all of the same mind here... Amy went totally overboard with her answer to LW1. The guy is just looking out for himself and his career (which would be over if he was falsely accused). And did Amy have amnesia and forget that the niece had already falsely accused him of something?

Thank goodness for all the previous posts! I thought the girlfriend writing this letter portrayed her boyfriend to be a very knowledgeable and responsible person and was stunned at Amy's off-base and harsh response. The boyfriend wasn't saying anything insulting towards this girl, rather, he was just making sure that he wasn't going to put himself in the line of fire. His response was totally appropriate, considering he is not biologically related to her and may not always be in this young girl's life.
I hope Amy re-addresses this letter with a new point of view.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am 100% with Polarity on this one. What a crock of bologna from Amy. I say this because of a recent situation with my 10 year old that gave me pause and reinforced to me just how at-risk men can be when it comes to the word of a child. My daughter's bedroom is next to our computer room and also next to the bathroom. She has a tendency to take a shower (with the door open) and then wrap in a towel and walk into her room to change. She changes with her door open most of the time. We don't prance around naked around here but there isn't a huge deal made about "bodies." Anyway, yesterday in the car my daughter and I were talking about puberty and she says "Stepdad always likes to peak in my room when I'm changing."

Now she said this laughing and not uncomfortably, and the fact is that she leaves her door open and we walk by her room to get to a common room in the house, and neither I nor her stepdad really pay any attention to her changing, dancing, whatever she's doing. But, as I explained to her, she can't SAY things like that because how easily misconstrued could that comment be?? I can only imagine her saying that in school and voila! Social workers will be a knocking.

So as part of our puberty talk, I made it clear that it's time for her to think about her own privacy, and while there is nothing wrong with her body, or bodies in their natural state in general, that as she matures it's appropriate for her to dress in private and it's fine for her to close and even lock the door while she is undressed. Sigh. It shouldn't be like that but I felt the need to protect her stepdad from unfounded accusations...and we do the same thing when we have sleepovers. He isn't left home alone with the girls unless it's someone we know very well.

I think it's so sad that we have demonized men, and especially men who enjoy spending time having a close relationship with their daughters and stepdaughters. We're causing our daughters to miss out on important relationships because somehow, at some point, men became something to fear. And the assumption is often made that if a man seems nurturing, there must be some mal-intent. So so sad.

I agree with the posters re LW1; however, the LW states that her BF "refuses" to PLAY and be alone with her niece. Now if he's refusing to play with her even when others are around that may be what Amy means by "putting things in perspective." This refusal to play with the child makes him sound immature to me, but I can understand not wanting to be alone with the niece. Yes children can make up stories, but aren't we to err on the side of caution when they tell us they've been abused?

What should the LW do? I don't really know. I think the BF may be blowing this out of proportion, but I guess the best thing to do is to support him and see how the relationship evolves over the next 6 months and then make a decision based on the relationship between the LW and BF not the LW , BF, and niece.

I thought the First Lady's Mother-of-the-Bride dress looked like a uniform.

my girlfriends 5 year old daughter kissed me and shoved her tongue in my mouth, she refused to tell her mother who taught her that, needless to say I stayed away fron that little girl

You really missed the boat on this one Amy and obviously have no idea how much our world today treats a man as guilty and then expects him to prove he is innocent in matters like this one. The problem is that once you are "thought" to be guilty, whether verified or not, you will always be guilty. And once "thought" as guilty your life can change forever. Your comment confirms that point. The man in your story isn't worried about the five year old but the potentially harmful actions of those around her when reacting to her comments.

If you really get men to talk honestly about this I believe you will find that many have a fear that being falsely accused could happen to them. I consciously make sure that I am not alone in a room with a grown woman or child of either sex for this reason. My wife thinks I am being overly cautious but your comment confirms my approach to be accurate.

LW1 advice was dreadful. My advice to ANY man, cop or not, would be to have a second person in the room when a young child is around. Can't be too safe and have to protect yourself from false allegations. Some years back my daughter babysat a couple of kids during the day and I was there. Fine. But then the mother wanted to leave the baby overnight when she went out. My husband felt that he should be, at all times, on a different floor in the house during the sleepover. I agreed. I also went the extra mile and asked the mother to give the evening bath prior to dropoff. A person can't be too safe these days. And how do you begin to prove what you DIDN'T do???

Oh, regarding the allegation that he threatened to punchh her in the nose, I've told young kids I was going to steal their belly button countless times and, of course, never did it!

Aderryn wrote:

I think it's so sad that we have demonized men, and especially men who enjoy spending time having a close relationship with their daughters and stepdaughters. We're causing our daughters to miss out on important relationships because somehow, at some point, men became something to fear. And the assumption is often made that if a man seems nurturing, there must be some mal-intent. So so sad.

So so true. Thanks for your observation.

Also thanks to Polarity for a great rebuttal of Amy's lame answer.

Aderryn: There are two possibilities here. One is that your are correct in your judgement of the situation, and I hope very much that you are. The other thought I had was it's very possible the your daughter noticed her step-father looking at her. She is ten-years-old and her emotions (laughter when she told you) may not seem appropriate to you.

Please don't write this situation off as kid imagination, but be vigilant as it's your child's innocence that is as stake.