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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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trying to be a strong mom wrote: <quoted text>
You have an answer to everything....y...what are you....I read what you write and out seems like you spend all your time on these sights....y.... I am just a person who has had their life destroyed by these drugs and the fraud perpetrated by pharma in not telling the truth about their drug studies. Yes I do spend countless hours reading about this issue you may find yourself doing the same some day. I am just an ordinary person not super smart not rich not anything special. Likely a lot like many here quite ordinary. I think I can explain the hours I have spent on this issue by saying I was in a bad way and could not find any help. That is what started my search. Thru all stages of withdrawal as soon as I was able to read I was looking for an explanation for what happened to my life. What the hell had hit me. I did not expect to find what I did. Here I am still. The drugs started to make me sick around 2004-5 I completely pooped out in 2006 I fell apart was very ill. In 2007 after searching for a couple of years in the medical community for answers I quit all meds cold turkey all the antidepressants and the pills I had been given to treat the side effects of the antidepressants...(I was not aware of the side effects they were treating at the time) I don't recommend cold turkey. I went cold turkey after a failed taper. I had severe debilitating protracted withdrawal which has not completely resolved 4+ years later. This started my search if I am going to give my life to a drug I am going to figure it out.. I was drugged most of 18 years in withdrawal for almost 5... that is about half my life. I did not choose this life but now that I am here I am working on understanding it. There is a lot about me on this site you will find bits here and there if you read back but this is basically me and why I do what I do here. I just want to know and if I can help others as when I started looking there was nothing... that really sux. That's about it.
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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Watch this movie wrote: A great documentary was put out in 2008 called "Making a Killing, The Untold Story of Psychotropic Drugging". It is very insightful and I highly recommend watching it. The premise is that in the last 40 years the Psychiatric field has exploded due to the union of psychiatrists, drug manufacturers and the FDA all making a financial killing by selling drugs via psychiatrists. Children are dying, marriages are being ruined, people are committing suicide and homicides all after taking antidepressants and psychotropic drugs prescribed legally. Lives are being ruined.
The drug industry pays the FDA one million dollars to speed up getting their drugs examined and approved. Many of the people on the FDA panels that are approving the drugs have financial ties to the pharmaceutical industry with stocks etc and are making money hand over fist. many of the papers in medical journals about different mental conditions are written by "ghost writers" from the pharmaceutical industries and psychiatrists are signing the articles and publishing them in medical journals. Many times, the psychiatrists had nothing to do with the articles other than getting paid to sign them and getting notoriety from publishing in medical journals.
The push for psychtropic drugs is all about making money at the expense of the public. There are "mental disorders" being created continuously for which a "drug" can manage. The names and types of mental disorders have exploded and each disorder has a "psychotropic" drug to take for it. None of the mental disorders have solid science behind them. Its a ruse to sell more prescription drugs and make money.
Some of the prescribed drugs bring in $11 million dollars a DAY, yes, DAY, to the drug industry which is why the commercials are on TV so frequently pushing them. The money spent on the commercials is a drop in the bucket financially.
Watch the movie..
Also read the book "Medication Madness". It will open your eyes! Recommend! Old but good! It may seem like a lot all at once if you are new to this issue. Another good book or two... Our Daily Meds Anatomy of an Epidemic
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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destroyed family wrote: My husband of 23 years suffered terribly from panic attacks and anxiety. I wanted him to to onto meds for years under the ruse that the pharmaceutical companies put out there that a chemical imbalance can be put under control by taking an anti psychotic drug. For years he refused to take the drugs. We had issues, but seemed to always resolve them. His panic/anxiety affected his ability to do many things such as fly on an airplane, be out in the heat for any period of time, drive over bridges, drive on an interstate. The effect of this was not being able to go to family weddings or funerals (fear of flying), not being able to go on summer camp outs with cub scouts with his son, me as his wife doing all of the driving on all of our family trips, sometimes for many hours of driving.
After a particularly bad anxiety attack that lasted for several weeks, he finally went onto lexapro. Within 30 days of the lexapro, he withdrew from me, from his kids and started staying up all night playing computer games on his computer. He became extremely argumentative with everyone, using abusive language, being excessively mean and ugly. It was horrible and demeaning. He went behind my back and used up our children's college money, spent it all. He ran up credit card debt to the amount of about $35,000 without telling me. He also ran up our home equity line of credit to almost $100,000 without saying a word. Granted, the economy tanked during this time, but he saw no reason to discuss the credit cards with his wife. He saw nothing wrong with using up kids college money, running up debt with out discussing any of it. It was all fine and ok with him. He moved out of our bedroom and lost all interest in sexual relations with me. There was no talking to him to bring him back..To him, all was well. He was fine. His anxiety disappeared, nothing else mattered. He had an affair over the internet and finally one day told me he was numb, had no feelings for me, his wife of 23 years and mother of his children and he was leaving me. To this day, he is still the same, hasn't gone off lexapro, is financially hurting, emotionally hurting and still does not get the connection of drugs/numbness/loss of moral compass etc. From all I'm reading this is a common occurance for some people going onto antidepressants. He tells his psychiatrist he feels great, all is well. His psychiatrist continues to write more prescriptions. How can all be well? He lost his marriage, we had to short sell our house, kids are having to now take out college loans, we had to give up some of our pets. He doesn't care. For him he feels great. Life is good. HIs apartment is filled with junk he collects, floor to ceiling. Disgusting!!!! I blame the pharmaceutical companies and his psychiatrist.! You might want to read this link title how ssri stories got started: http://www.topix.com/forum/drug/effexor/T5SC6... bit from the link: "RM: I think it’s because they don’t ever stop to think that it might be the medication. I mean in the sense that I was on Prozac for nine weeks while I was losing my mind but I never once thought of the Prozac. My husband, Gene, was the one who finally figured out what was happening to me. Why are we so slow to finger the drug?"
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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DH: Why did the issue of people becoming violent get your attention?
RM: Well because you know in United States it’s always been a tradition not to print suicides. The only way you can tell is if they have a little clue in the obituary or if it says “he died suddenly.” Whereas, the UK and other countries do print suicides. They’ll say “committed suicide.” That’s why I have so many cases from people in Australia and Canada of suicides but very few from the US. However if it’s a controversial suicide or suicide of a famous person, people will want to know what happened to them, and then they’ll print it because everyone will say “Oh my gosh, this famous actor died. How did he die?” But I’m just talking about ordinary people who aren’t high profile. Also the big problem in the US is the drug advertising and of course the media is dying. Some of the newspapers have gone out of business — the only thing that keeps them alive is the drug ads.
The US has lost Freedom of the Press in an unusual way.
The U.S. has lost Freedom of the Press in an unusual way. The newspapers and TV cannot mention that the perpetrator was on an SSRI because the media is afraid the pharmaceutical companies will pull their ads.
DH: Why do you think people are so reluctant to think that the drugs may be causing a problem?
RM: I think it’s because they don’t ever stop to think that it might be the medication. I mean in the sense that I was on Prozac for nine weeks while I was losing my mind but I never once thought of the Prozac. My husband, Gene, was the one who finally figured out what was happening to me.
Why are we so slow to finger the drug?
DH: Why are we so slow to finger the drug?
RM: Because we’ve never really had a prescription drug before that’s caused so much violence and murder and mayhem. We’ve had the antibiotics for years and, of course, the illegal drugs. They were mostly made illegal because they were addictive, but we often think they cause psychosis, especially cocaine and methamphetamines. Pretty potent. However none of the school shooters were on those illegal drugs. That’s something.
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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http://davidhealy.org/the-story-of-ssri-stori ... Oddly enough she was given prozac to help her quit smoking she took it for 9 wks at this point she was put in hospital... it was not her idea that the prozac had caused the problem but her husbands once again the drug taker does not see the connection. This is quite normal. "Bill O’Reilly, a famous TV talk show host, says there is an epidemic of women school teachers molesting their male students. He says that his program receives at least one report a week. SSRI Stories has 16 media articles of women school teachers who molested their male students while on medications for depression. One case, in Canada, was even a “won” case in the sense that the jury decided the SNRI Effexor had caused this type of weird nymphomaniac behavior. We have won 29 legal cases so far, that we know about. If you go into SSRIS stories cover page and click on won cases you can see them all there. About 8 were homicides and 12 were murder attempts. One was an air rage case in a diplomat from England. There was a very early Zoloft case and a murder that was won 1994 that I found in the archives. Nobody had heard about it. It happened in South Carolina. So that means at least 29 judges or juries have decided to acquit on the grounds that the antidepressant caused the criminal behavior. The other thing that gets me about these SSRIs is, not only do people become violent, they become extremely violent especially the women. They become so terribly violent they will stab somebody 200 times. There was the case in England of the man who stabbed his wife 200 times and then walked next door and stabbed his neighbor’s furniture another 200 times. So this is what’s kind of scary about it. We have about six people on death row here in United States, I think four of them are women who killed their children while they were on Prozac or Zoloft or something. One was a physician’s wife out in California and she killed her three children and then tried to kill herself and didn’t die and now she’s on death row. DH: Do you think there’s anyway for us to raise the profile of these cases and create a resource for people to get help? RM: That’s another bothersome issue — nobody’s put up a list of attorneys or physicians or anything. I did ask one or two people to help me post but nobody wanted to — they’re all so busy. Everyone’s so busy and it takes a lot of time. I can’t do the kind of work it would take to set up a list of physicians or attorneys but in future time somebody might be able to set that up. the more I got into it the more sorry I felt for the perpetrators When I first got caught up in the SSRI debacle I felt so sorry for the victims — people that were murdered or committed suicide. But the more I got into it the more sorry I felt for the perpetrators.
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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sorry I have no self control today time to turn off the computer step away...
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Get off Lexapro
Naples, FL
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Wearywife wrote: Bit downhearted today. His depression is back - has been worsening for the past few months. He now can't see any way out except to start medication again. He knows how I feel and he still can't see another solution. I feel completely boxed in - I don't want him to be sick with depression, but I know if he starts the meds again I'll never sleep at night and just be waiting for the moment he starts lying / cheating / spending / drinking. He swears now he knows what to look out for he'll never let it happen again, but all I know is he completely lost his conscience on these pills and I can't help but think that the same thing will happen with another one. Does anyone know of an anti-depressant that they DO trust? There is no trustworthy antidepressant. Do all you can to stop him or you will be breaking up for sure. He will go numb, won't care and he will be gone to you forever. Read these blogs..we've all lost the loves of our lives to legally prescribed drugs. The pharmaceutical companies and psychiatrists are making money hand over fist while their patient's lives are burning in ruin. So, do whatever you can to save him and your relationship..now.
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Since: Feb 11
Columbus, IN
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Please wait...
Get off Lexapro wrote: <quoted text>
There is no trustworthy antidepressant. Do all you can to stop him or you will be breaking up for sure. He will go numb, won't care and he will be gone to you forever. Read these blogs..we've all lost the loves of our lives to legally prescribed drugs. The pharmaceutical companies and psychiatrists are making money hand over fist while their patient's lives are burning in ruin. So, do whatever you can to save him and your relationship..now. After what I saw these drugs do and how profoundly they changed a person in my life I am 1000 percent certain the users brain is changed so severely that they absolutely do not see it themselves. Without question the user doesn't see it.
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Miserable man
Abergavenny, UK
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Neil,
What does your wife say now about what she accused you of whilst drugged, does she remember, is she horrified, what is her memory like about the drugged period and what is her memory like about your relationship before she changed?
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WVVulcan
Wheeling, WV
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btd wrote: <quoted text>
I am just a person who has had their life destroyed by these drugs and the fraud perpetrated by pharma in not telling the truth about their drug studies.
Yes I do spend countless hours reading about this issue you may find yourself doing the same some day.
I am just an ordinary person not super smart not rich not anything special. Likely a lot like many here quite ordinary.
I think I can explain the hours I have spent on this issue by saying I was in a bad way and could not find any help. That is what started my search. Thru all stages of withdrawal as soon as I was able to read I was looking for an explanation for what happened to my life. What the hell had hit me.
I did not expect to find what I did.
Here I am still.
The drugs started to make me sick around 2004-5 I completely pooped out in 2006 I fell apart was very ill. In 2007 after searching for a couple of years in the medical community for answers I quit all meds cold turkey all the antidepressants and the pills I had been given to treat the side effects of the antidepressants...(I was not aware of the side effects they were treating at the time)
I don't recommend cold turkey. I went cold turkey after a failed taper. I had severe debilitating protracted withdrawal which has not completely resolved 4+ years later.
This started my search if I am going to give my life to a drug I am going to figure it out.. I was drugged most of 18 years in withdrawal for almost 5... that is about half my life.
I did not choose this life but now that I am here I am working on understanding it.
There is a lot about me on this site you will find bits here and there if you read back but this is basically me and why I do what I do here.
I just want to know and if I can help others as when I started looking there was nothing... that really sux. That's about it. BTD> I applaud you for what you are trying to do for people with the problems of anti-depressants. You have lived the life of anti-depress. and found out what happens to yourself and to others in relationships. When i read what is going on day to day i myself wonders what is the next side effect. I have lived the life of seeing what happens also in a relationship and now i live the life of being the victim of both sides. I have dealt with the effects of Morphine and oxy-contin and whatever i could take to help with the pain of physical and emotional problems. Now i have to deal with the side effects of the Effexor and Methadone and Oxy-codone. I have said before i have been trying to get off the Effexor but slowly and so far not too bad with withdrawl of it. Its only been a small amount but i feel that i have been on it for 10 to 12 years so it's going to take awhile. The more i read about the horror stories the more i get out of the ignorance of the Medical profession. I guess that as long as they make the money and its not them, SO WHAT!! You would think that when a person becomes a medical doctor he would want to do what is best for the patient. I guess i am just as ignorant taking it for granted. I was once a Fireman and i loved to help people in need, i was just volunteer but to me when somebody had a fire or whatever i did what was needed and to go out of my way to do what i could to help. But also with the stories you read more and more things that are showing up. What's the scary part is that what i going to happen in the future with more and more "NEW" drugs that are being brought out for people. You see new Cancer Super drugs and so many others what is next for us to contend with.
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Terri
Portland, OR
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Judged:
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WVVulcan wrote: <quoted text>...What's the scary part is that what i going to happen in the future with more and more "NEW" drugs that are being brought out for people. You see new Cancer Super drugs and so many others what is next for us to contend with. This is why we have to get the word out to the next generation. Sure, there have been documentaries made about this subject. Unfortunately, they don't play those documentaries on the major channels. You have to seek the information to get it. Why would anyone seek this type of information? Because they are now one of us, victims searching desperately for answers to what's going on, why do I feel this way, am I going crazy? You get the picture. It's all about money. It's greed at its worst. I won't even take a pill for acid reflux anymore. A spoon full of vinegar does better than any drug they have out there. We need to focus on the nature remedies, and they are countless. We need to educate our children (and in my case, educate my grandchildren, better late than never right?) about the evils of pharmacology. I advise my daughter that unless her child's temperature gets up above 102, there is no need to go to the doctor for antibiotics. A fever is the body's natural response to infection. A fever can be controlled by natural means. Antibiotics no longer fight certain bacterial strains because those strains have become immune. We have to seek natural means to our physical and emotional dilemmas. Just sayin...
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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Judged:
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WVVulcan wrote: <quoted text>
BTD> I applaud you for what you are trying to do for people with the problems of anti-depressants. You have lived the life of anti-depress. and found out what happens to yourself and to others in relationships. When i read what is going on day to day i myself wonders what is the next side effect. I have lived the life of seeing what happens also in a relationship and now i live the life of being the victim of both sides. I have dealt with the effects of Morphine and oxy-contin and whatever i could take to help with the pain of physical and emotional problems. Now i have to deal with the side effects of the Effexor and Methadone and Oxy-codone. I have said before i have been trying to get off the Effexor but slowly and so far not too bad with withdrawl of it. Its only been a small amount but i feel that i have been on it for 10 to 12 years so it's going to take awhile. The more i read about the horror stories the more i get out of the ignorance of the Medical profession. I guess that as long as they make the money and its not them, SO WHAT!! You would think that when a person becomes a medical doctor he would want to do what is best for the patient. I guess i am just as ignorant taking it for granted. I was once a Fireman and i loved to help people in need, i was just volunteer but to me when somebody had a fire or whatever i did what was needed and to go out of my way to do what i could to help. But also with the stories you read more and more things that are showing up. What's the scary part is that what i going to happen in the future with more and more "NEW" drugs that are being brought out for people. You see new Cancer Super drugs and so many others what is next for us to contend with. Have you read this link?: http://www.topix.com/forum/drug/effexor/T772I... It does explain a lot these folks here are trying to get a handle on the problem and tell it like they see it as they try to fix some of the problems. public citizen worst drugs... worth a look and at least somebody is trying to bring some change This may seem like a small thing to you but after all these years with nothing I am grateful for anything and I don't think it is such a small thing. Sadly many of the next generation are already drugged get them while they are young and keep them as customers. I wonder what happens when a little kid goes thru ritalin or zoloft or ablify withdrawal...one nine year old I know has moved thru all these drugs in two years... when he had issues after each of the first two I suggested withdrawal as the problem the parent said she could find no such information about withdrawal in kids. Bet there is. No idea what to do about it but I bet it exists. I can't push the issue any further with this parent as we are not really talking anymore due to my thoughts on drugging kids.
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Neil
Preston, UK
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Miserable man wrote: Neil,
What does your wife say now about what she accused you of whilst drugged, does she remember, is she horrified, what is her memory like about the drugged period and what is her memory like about your relationship before she changed? MM, this is a subject I have to revisist with my wife every few weeks. Her memories are sketchy and she remembers new stuff all the time, without even knowing that she forgot it in the first place...if that makes any sense at all. It will probably be best for my wife to answer this herself. I will ask her to post here later today so you can hear it from the horses mouth.
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Neil
Preston, UK
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Judged:
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A few things that have just popped into my head after reading over my last post. Her memory and how it returns is a strange thing. I will try my best to explain, hope this makes some sense. She doesn't have lightbulb moments anymore... old memories don't just pop into her head but despite they are still returning every day(she just isn't aware of that they are)...but, Ask her a question and she will repond how she remembers it. And the answer to that question I have asked could change the next time I ask it. She is not lying, she is still responding how she remembers it. She is not aware that she has changed her answer because she is simply doing the natural act of accessing memories in her brain. What she recalls seems true to her. You need to do things or say things that prompt her to access these memories becasue only when she thinks about it, will she be aware of her memory of that subject. If the part of her brain dealing with this is sufficiently repaired she will access her true memories of the subject without even realising what she is doing. I feel the speed of this process was helped by the constant contact we needed to keep for the sake of the kids. The more times she was back in the family home, and we were together as a family, the more opportunity she had to access memories.
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Miserable man
Abergavenny, UK
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Thanks Neil, I find myself wondering what goes through my wife's brain, how many memories she has etc at the moment she is still convinced by the new her and the new life she has created, I really don't know what she remembers from our past and how long she will continue to remember it with her new perception i.e. we were just best friends she only loves me as a friend she wants more for herself and not OMG what have I done, and remembering how we were really and what she has lost. It frightens me to think that the real memories won't come back especially left to her own devices! We have no children and I am at the moment not in contact with her and have decided that it is the best way forward for me. She feels that she has never seen things more clearly! I know and understand that it is part of the drugged mind state, but I know she has not taken any Citalopram since end Feb 2011. Yes she drinks, yes she recently had antibiotics, I'm sure both don't help the progress and I guess I am disappointed that I am not seeing more healing or bigger windows. Why is it than when things don't go her way she seems to reflect more on me, yet on a normal day to day basis when things are ok she believes in her new life? Also why does she continue to be infatuated with someone that she is not in a relationship with and never will be? She used to have real panic attacks over money situations, but now seems oblivious to the fact that she only just keeps her head above water and has nothing in reserve should anything happen to her car or any other problem. She is now 51 and has no pension plans but seems totally un phased by it all, really not the same woman at all.
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neil
Preston, UK
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MM, she tells you she is convinced, but she is probably full of doubts.
There is a good chance her friend is reinforcing her decision to start a new life. Ya know, saying things like...don't you let him worm his back, or don't let him get to you, you have done the right thing, along with other positive reiforcement.
I am not saying he would be doing this in a malicious way, more likely he thinks he is being a good friend.
I don't know what the answer is for you tbh. I don't think the constant contact was the reason my wife came back, just that it quickened the process.
The problem is that life goes on and the more time that passes the less chance there is that even if she does remember clearly she will act on it.
Many people seem to feel thjat the damage is done and they just couldn't face their old life after all that they have done. It can be easier to deny it or simlply cut your losses and try and move on.
I am still trying to get my wife to add something. I will pin her down eventually. For those on facebook, she occasionally contributes to a page about marriages and SSRI's that was started by someone who used to post here. I don't don social networking so I haven't been there myself, but I know Ann Blake Tracy contributes to the same discussion regularily.
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neil
Preston, UK
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One of the most difficult parts for my wife was facing my family and ou mutual friends. Most people don't understand so she still has to cope with some thinking she is fully responsible for all she done, but simply changed her mind. Its not easy for her still.
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neil
Preston, UK
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Judged:
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I like to use analogies. People tell me they mostly don't make sense but it doesn't stop me...so here goes. Imagine trying to reach out to catch something that is moving away from you. Your feet are firmly planted on the ground so you have to stretch and lean to grasp it. The faster you catch it the better balance you retain. There comes a point when that object gets so far, that to reach it you fall over, and there also comes a point when it is simply beyond your reach. There are many factors involved including the speed the object is moving away, or if it is being pushed or dragged by other forces. But the main factor is how long are your arms and ulitmately how good is your balance. IMO if you really loved your wife, and you believe she really did love you, then its worth streching as far as you can....just don't fall over whatever you do.
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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neil wrote: MM, she tells you she is convinced, but she is probably full of doubts.
There is a good chance her friend is reinforcing her decision to start a new life. Ya know, saying things like...don't you let him worm his back, or don't let him get to you, you have done the right thing, along with other positive reiforcement.
I am not saying he would be doing this in a malicious way, more likely he thinks he is being a good friend.
I don't know what the answer is for you tbh. I don't think the constant contact was the reason my wife came back, just that it quickened the process.
The problem is that life goes on and the more time that passes the less chance there is that even if she does remember clearly she will act on it.
Many people seem to feel thjat the damage is done and they just couldn't face their old life after all that they have done. It can be easier to deny it or simlply cut your losses and try and move on.
I am still trying to get my wife to add something. I will pin her down eventually. For those on facebook, she occasionally contributes to a page about marriages and SSRI's that was started by someone who used to post here. I don't don social networking so I haven't been there myself, but I know Ann Blake Tracy contributes to the same discussion regularily. "The problem is that life goes on and the more time that passes the less chance there is that even if she does remember clearly she will act on it.' True in respect to the rest of the world. I have actually had these very odd states where I feel like I am waking up to issues or events that took place years ago... trying to get a handle on the past. I think it is generally kick started by a dream or something as I will recall just one bit of a dream.... the rest of the day I will be lost to that... trying to sort out the timing as I feel I have been asleep since such and such happened... it is very odd. In some respect part of me was asleep and needs time assimilate to the reality of my current life. I don't know how else to describe it. Often I would act on these feeling and my new feelings and ideas if only the people concerned were not dead. I think my brain is processing something when I am asleep and I think it could not do this when I was drugged or even in hard withdrawal as my brain and body were too busy trying to heal. It is odd how it is early mornings that are the most difficult for most of us I wonder if it has anything to do with the brain trying to heal as we sleep. Reminded again of that song by Crow that has a line I woke up but the dream didn't end. Just a word from the other side. Do you have a link to site where you wife chats? I have often looked at Anne Blake Tracey as a ground breaker ... but when I went to her site there were some things on it that really bugged me I can't recall what they were just now.. oh to have a memory how sweet that would be. Don't get me wrong I am grateful for the amount of brain I have gotten back I just want more ....I want my memory back. Maybe in more time ... "and they just couldn't face their old life after all that they have done." I think if people understood the reason for their "change" maybe this would not be the case so often we need to get the word out as when you have to suck this up it damages your heart and soul... it just does because it makes no sense and you can never figure it out or forgive yourself or really heal from the damage you have done to yourself... until you know it. That is a huge waste! I know people here think most of the damage caused to others but there is an extensive amount of damage we cause to ourselves when we hurt others that is what we can't face because in our past lives we would rather die than hurt those people we loved and lived for... how to rationalize that without knowing the truth! We can't trust ourselves without the truth.. we can't move forward!!!! or back!!! We are stuck in muck or I was. Thank you again Charlie
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btd
Oshawa, Canada
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Judged:
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Until Charlie spelled it out for me on pp I had no clue any drug could cause such a thing. I am forever indebted to him. Almost 5 years later here I am still telling how important it was for me to hear it. So tell somebody if you can. It will change their lives to hear it. I did not believe it right off but even the possibility sent me for a bottle of booze yes the baileys took a hit that moment... as the possibility of being uncaged was before me... I panicked and celebrated both. I took a drink and wrote back to him that to hear those words caused my soul to leap as I think something inside me knew the truth even tho I was so scared to attempt to believe it I was drawn to it like a thirsty camel and it cleansed me. It did no fix my life it did not stop withdrawal it gave me hope that there was a chance something irrational and tormenting could be wrestled to he ground and maybe some day even beaten to death... something that was killing me had an antidote. And it was killing me. Inch by inch I was dying inside there was no way I could live with it... I think until that moment I had resigned myself to death as I could not deal. So tell somebody.. I need a rest to recall it drains me the power if still can consume me. It never really ends but it gets manageable. I can't change it I would if I could. I think there comes a time where we us drug users who have committed he ultimate betrayal against ourselves and those we love need to let it go. I still have not done this and have resigned myself to pay back and make up for things I was never truly responsible for or in truly in control of. Hence I have not lived my own life really but am paying back maybe forgiving myself and stop the paying is the next step. I will get back to you if I am able to ever do this. As really it is not fair and I think people can tell and are not served so much by your servitude as they would be by your being fulfilled and happily living your life this is what people who love you really want... or this is what I really want for people I love so I suspect it is the same. Bit spent with this so bye for now. I never know where chats on here will take me often they take me to healing myself one more bit like this once challenge to heal... it takes the challenge it takes discussion. That is how it works.. thanks for the opportunity. This is how we feed each other. neat eh?
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Leo
