jokes

I took my nephew down to a job fair but he wasn't having much success. As we walked past an Army recrutiment booth, a Sergeant First Class said "Hey, kid. C'mere. Be the Best... join the Army."

And I thought Join the Army? T-Mobile just said he isn't qualified to sell phones; McDonalds said he "wouldn't fit in with their team;" Wal-Mart said he didn't have enough experience to stock shelves; and you guys want to give him a machine gun?

If I were Mitt Romney I think I'd put a "for sale" sign in front of my house.... just to irritate President Obama.

Ladies... if you want to know if your fella has anger issues, watch him play video games. That'll tell you all you need to know.

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it might make you buy curios..........

My neighbor said that cars are less likely to be broken into if there are rosary beads visible inside. Personally, I think an empty gun holster on the passenger seat works better.

The Troll Doll wrote:

My neighbor said that cars are less likely to be broken into if there are rosary beads visible inside. Personally, I think an empty gun holster on the passenger seat works better.

amen!

Toilet Conversation

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so
I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall. "Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say, "Not bad..."

Then the voice says, "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say, "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

http://funny-stuff-1.blogspot.com/2012/02/toi...

---A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

The problem with elections is that no matter who wins, it's always a politician.

Today is "National Tell A Lie Day."

Or is it?

"Are you as bored as I am" makes sense even when you read it backwards

It just hit me too!! My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. Once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

My dog is a Democrat!

If the phone company ran a restaurant, your bill would look something like this:

Fish Steak - 8.17
French Fries - 2.01
Peas - 1.40
Limited Meal Service - 30.85
Knife - 0.60
Fork - 3.17
Metal Cutlery With Handles - 6.20
Table Access Charge - 1.19
Chair Maintenance Plan - 2.95
Condiments and Sauces (details below*)- 1.11
Federal Fish Tax - 0.62

TOTAL Please Pay This Amount - 58.27

*Itemized Condiments and Sauces With Limited Meal Service you may pay a fixed nightly rate for air and water at your table. Consult your local menu for condiment and sauce rates.

Item Number of Rate per ml amount

Ketchup 10 0.03 0.30
Salt 1 0.01 0.01
Tartare 20 0.04 0.80
TOTAL 1.11

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...
you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

That's the way to go!!!!

5 warning signs of Alzheimer's disease.
1.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband..

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up! After a few seconds little Larry stood up. The teacher said do you think you're stupid, Larry? No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

~Rodney Dangerfield

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 44th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra!- two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! the husband was 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!