Dear Sir:
>>> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
>>> endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
>>> 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
>>> arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
>>> course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
>>> arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
>>> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
>>> opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
>>> the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
>>> manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
>>> financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
>>> telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted
>>> by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
>>> your bank has become. From now on,
>>>I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
>>> My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer
>>> be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
>>> personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
>>> nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
>>> other person to open such an envelope.
>>> Please find attached, an application Contact Status which I require
>>> your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
>>> in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
>>> me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
>>> medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
>>> mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
>>> and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
>>> I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
>>> dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
>>> again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me
>>> to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
>>> imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing
>>> field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
>>>
>>>1-- To make an appointment to see me.
>>>2-- To query a missing payment.
>>>3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>>>4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>>>5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>>>6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>>>7-- To leave a message on my computer.(a password to access my computer
>>>is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
>>>the Authorized Contact.)
>>>8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
>>>9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
>>>on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
>>>this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
>>>for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your
>>>example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
>>>this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
>>>prosperous, New Year.
>>> Your Humble Client
>>>
Aquarius
