Squash a crush that threatens marriage

Dear Cheryl: I've been happily married for eight years. My husband and I have two beautiful children, a nice house, great careers and a wonderful marriage. Full Story
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Lou from Chicago

Washington, DC

#1 Nov 19, 2007
IIACOIIL is living in a fantasy world and has convinced herself that she is in love with her husband's friend. This, to me, smacks of extreme boredom. She should put down the romance novels and get more involved with her church, volunteering, her kids' activities-ANYTHING- but avoid contact with Jim and his girlfriend until she realizes her silly infatuation is just a fantasy.
Jen

Ashburn, VA

#2 Nov 19, 2007
She might also want to provide her husband with a "map" and a "flashlight." He might learn some new things ;)
LS in MI

Rochester, MI

#3 Nov 19, 2007
If the game you're playing isn't big enough, you'll screw up your game just to give yourself something to do.

Is the problem.

Marriage isn't a relationship based on attraction, excitement and entertainment, it's an agreement to build and maintain a life-long partnership. If you don't understand the latter, you'll spend your life bouncing in and out of the former.
Polarity

Washington, DC

#4 Nov 19, 2007
The LW wrote: "Jim is exactly like my husband. Kind, thoughtful, caring, respectful to women and family, funny, intelligent."

But then the LW writes: "The only difference is Jim is an '8' and my husband is a '6.' "

Anyone care to explain what she means by this last sentence?

If she's referring to what I think she's referring to, I'd like to ask: How does she know that Jim is an "8" ?

Since: Oct 07

United States

#5 Nov 19, 2007
Polarity wrote:
The LW wrote: "Jim is exactly like my husband. Kind, thoughtful, caring, respectful to women and family, funny, intelligent."
But then the LW writes: "The only difference is Jim is an '8' and my husband is a '6.' "
Anyone care to explain what she means by this last sentence?
If she's referring to what I think she's referring to, I'd like to ask: How does she know that Jim is an "8" ?
Good grief. She's not talking about penis size. She's referring to looks. She's saying that on a scale of 1 to 10, her husband is a 6 (slightly above average) and Jim is an 8. How can you possibly not know what she was talking about???

Since: Oct 07

United States

#6 Nov 19, 2007
Basically, she's saying that Jim is better looking than her husband.
Cleopatra Jones

Chicago, IL

#7 Nov 19, 2007
First of all, polarity is an idiot who should consider having sex sometime this decade or in his lifetime, secondly, if her husband is only a 6, that means that a whopping 40% of all men are better than him in her mind. So dump the husband, forget about Jim (only an 8) and find a 10 (or as close as possible). You may not be his 10, but so what, this is your happiness we're talking about. I never spend anytime with less than a 9.5, and that's not even good enough for a long term relationship.
someone

United States

#9 Nov 19, 2007
-> I think she's making the same assumption that some guys make: since the person is hotter, they'll be better at sex. Maybe the new guy couldn’t find his way around with the lights on and a GPS tracking device to her vagina. It's well worth a thought….a repetitive thought every time she sees him

As for the sex with her husband. Maybe the guy needs for her to actively direct him during it. You know, like a "yes, right there", "don't stop", "a little to the left", etc. they could turn it into a full on domination fantasy if she needs to stay in character…..or just do the ol' stern headmistress of a boy's school teaching an errant student
suzyq

Saint Joseph, MI

#10 Nov 19, 2007
The lady who is "in love" with her husband's friend - is suffering from the grass is greener on the other side syndrome - Wake up lady, it's just grass on both sides - imagine your dream boat doing all the annoying things your spouse does (because we all do annoying things) throwing dirty laundry on the floor, forgetting to do something for the fortieth time, always being late - whatever it is. I imagine his long term girlfriend could tell you that he isn't ALWAYS prince charming sometimes he's a frog, much like your own husband. Dont give up a long term marriage for a little "strange" Imagine all the women who probably think your hubby is a hunk and envy you -
Chick Flick

Tsuen Wan, Hong Kong

#12 Nov 19, 2007
How appropriate that this is in the AJ forums. LOL
french fry

Eden Prairie, MN

#13 Nov 19, 2007
once you have an affair, you open the door to all sorts of unexpected, unintended things. its karma. and sometimes you become someone you never thought you would. lying, cheating, deceiving -- for what? a few o's -- maybe. does she know for sure Jim is great in bed? No. Don't throw your life away lady. It's not worth it. Try to improve what you have. If not, then leave the relationship and move on.
reza santorini

Skokie, IL

#14 Nov 19, 2007
If she wants to she can just let it pass...and it will be just a fantasy like in the movies. Let it go..if the marriage is as you say, you'll not let it go. Secondly, do speak to someone...there are appropriate places. Go to another Church or a Synonogue. You can talk in privacy. I am sure this will pass...it happens with many of us. And many of us smile internally, just as we may think of that romantic High School moment.
kali

Schaumburg, IL

#15 Nov 19, 2007
So she's basing her perceptions of marriage on movies and TV.

Grow the hell up.
CHFC

Chicago, IL

#16 Nov 19, 2007
IIACOIIL definitely has a HUGE crush on her husband's friend, and should be commended for understanding that & for working toward ways to put the brakes on now. There will always be men who for whatever reason and for whatever durations of time might be more appealing at the moment than your husband, but that is not what marriage is about. It's about a true partnership for a lifetime and there are lots of good times, some bad times, and some fairly ordinary times. Do not, under any circumstances, start an affair with this or any other man. French fry has an excellent point -- it's all bad karma -- lots of people can get hurt, and the bad karma you put out there can boomerang back to you in unexpected ways. Having been "the other woman" in a long-term affair, I can vouch that this is a bad, bad, bad things to do to yourself and to your family. It goes nowhere. It hurts too many people. It's never worth it to go there. Go home, have a nice dinner with your family tonight, and be grateful for what you have. It's something so many of us are longing for.
sheepish

Chicago, IL

#17 Nov 19, 2007
Polarity wrote:
The LW wrote: "Jim is exactly like my husband. Kind, thoughtful, caring, respectful to women and family, funny, intelligent."
But then the LW writes: "The only difference is Jim is an '8' and my husband is a '6.' "
Anyone care to explain what she means by this last sentence?
If she's referring to what I think she's referring to, I'd like to ask: How does she know that Jim is an "8" ?
I assumed she meant looks. As in she's a 10 or he's a 10. What are you referring to??
John

Chicago, IL

#18 Nov 19, 2007
It sounds like the LW has the "Seven Year Itch." Absolutely go to a counselor if you don't have a friend who you can confide in.
Think about the things that attracted you to your husband in the first place. Is he less attractive than he was? It sounds like he is willing to work on making her happy. That is rare! Just read a few of these columns (or Cleopatra's post. She doesn't sound like she's in a great long term relationship, now does she?)
Be very specific about what you like in bed. Talk about what you like outside of the bedroom, and take responsibility for directing him to do what you need in the bedroom. Buy him a book if you have to!

If he were unresponsive and had an "I'm getting my needs met, so I don't care about yours" attitude, you would have to start thinking about what your priorities are, but I think you can have your cake and eat it too... umm, so to speak.

Good luck!
Art R

United States

#20 Nov 19, 2007
After ten years of marriage, he probably can't be taught anything. She needs to go out and buy a wand vibrator - because she can lie and say it's for her back.
steph

United States

#21 Nov 20, 2007
Hey, who's to say Jim even wants her? He has a girlfriend. He might be perfectly happy with her. Just because she's hot for him doesn't mean that he's ready and willing.
albanypark

Cary, IL

#22 Nov 20, 2007
the grass is not always greener on the other side. if you have issues with your husband talk to him honestly. do not destroy your marriage with a fantasy that will go nowhere except down
MetroGirl

Spring, TX

#23 Nov 6, 2008
I'm only a year behind. What the hey?

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