Mom gets plenty of support to kick sons out the door

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Stressed-Out Mom," the retired woman whose two sons, ages 22 and 24, live with her for free , that the only "mistake" she has made was not requiring them to behave like adults before ... Full Story
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Polarity

Washington, DC

#1 Mar 11, 2008
If you strip your bed as a guest ... be prepared for what you might find underneath the sheets!
AVS

Lititz, PA

#2 Mar 11, 2008
I make the bed as a guest. I know my host is going to wash them, but he/she may not have time to do so right away. I leave the bed neat so that it is not in need of immediate attention.
EEE

Westmont, IL

#3 Mar 11, 2008
My parents have a habit of stripping the bed before they leave my home and it drives me nuts.

As soon as that matress is bare, my cat is in heaven, rolling his fluffy little ass all over it.
Kerstin

Chicago, IL

#4 Mar 11, 2008
Please leave the bed made. This issue came up several years ago. A distraught host asked the same question. Her perfectly comfortable mattress had some unfortunate stains on it and when the guest stripped the bed she was mortified. A couple stayed at my home overnight and dutifully stripped the bed and folded everything neatly. I know she thought she was doing the right and polite thing. Thankfully the matress was new, but the sight of my lovely guest room stripped bare like that made me really uncomfortable. I work full time and it was a week before I could get in there and wash the sheets and get the bed made. I felt violated some how.
We all agreed to this the last time: Pull up the sheets, or even make the bed if you must, but please do not strip it.
Bri

Chicago, IL

#5 Mar 11, 2008
My family has always taken the sheets off the bed, then remade the bed. This way, the sheets are off to be laundered but the bed looks nice and it can stay that way until fresh sheets are ready to be put on for the next guest.
Lauren

Hobart, IN

#6 Mar 11, 2008
This is why young women are waiting longer to marry: there are no men out there, just a lot of coddled little boys, trapped in the bodies of twenty-something men.

Six months after I graduated college, I was a homeowner and had a job. And no, my parents didn't "help" me with the down payment; I worked full time through college, never making more than 7 bucks an hour, and saved instead of going out.

Now I'm 27, and many of the men my age still have their mothers doing their laundry. Give me a break.
suzyq

Saint Joseph, MI

#7 Mar 11, 2008
My now deceased parents forced me to save half of all money I received, even when in grade school - gifts, paychecks whatever. My parents never bought me a car - I bought my own car. They also taught me that any honest job is a job worth having and doing. I was able to get married at 19 and buy a house at 21 (back when a 20% downpayment was required), I have been downsized, laid off and experienced many setbacks, but I still have my house, pay my bills etc. Thanks to wonderful parents who knew that the best thing they could teach me was to take care of myself. Who on earth is going to take care of all these babies when mommy & daddy are gone?
Polarity

Washington, DC

#8 Mar 11, 2008
Lauren wrote:
Now I'm 27, and many of the men my age still have their mothers doing their laundry. Give me a break.
Go ahead, ignore your peers. And start chasing men who are 10-15 years older, already married, maybe with children. After all, they've shown they know how to make a commitment. Their wives will just hate it when their husbands dump them for a pretty young 20-something like you.

And when your male peers are older and ready to settle down, they'll be happy to return the favor you gave them: They'll take one look at you, in your mid to late thirties, your biological clock screaming away, and they'll jump ship and look elsewhere too.

So congratulations, Lauren, on your hard work so far. Too bad you acquired that off-putting attitude and a boatload of stereotypes along with it.
Susan

United States

#9 Mar 11, 2008
That wasn't necessary, Polarity. She sounds proud of her accomplishments, and she should be.

What makes you assume she's running around with married men 10-15 years older than her? I think that says more about you than about her.
lamartrotti

United States

#10 Mar 11, 2008
EEE wrote:
My parents have a habit of stripping the bed before they leave my home and it drives me nuts.
As soon as that matress is bare, my cat is in heaven, rolling his fluffy little ass all over it.
Some dirty, mangy cat rolled over in one my beds he would indeed be in heaven.Cat heaven.
Garth Algar

Southfield, MI

#11 Mar 11, 2008
EEE wrote:
My parents have a habit of stripping the bed before they leave my home and it drives me nuts.
As soon as that matress is bare, my cat is in heaven, rolling his fluffy little ass all over it.
Thanks for answering what Polarity politely left to the imagination.
Tony

Palm Desert, CA

#12 Mar 11, 2008
Lauren wrote:
This is why young women are waiting longer to marry: there are no men out there, just a lot of coddled little boys, trapped in the bodies of twenty-something men.
Six months after I graduated college, I was a homeowner and had a job. And no, my parents didn't "help" me with the down payment; I worked full time through college, never making more than 7 bucks an hour, and saved instead of going out.
Now I'm 27, and many of the men my age still have their mothers doing their laundry. Give me a break.
Yes, it's the men.

Not the self-absorbed, vapid, shallow cows with 100 pair of shoes and $40 fingernails who are either anoexic or weigh 250 lbs.

Yes, YOU only do YOUR laundry, in YOUR house, and YOU saved and saved, and now YOU have it all to YOURSELF.

Except for the signature herd of cats that gals like you seem to inevitably acquire.

Have fun.
sam

Chicago, IL

#13 Mar 11, 2008
Tony wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, it's the men.
Not the self-absorbed, vapid, shallow cows with 100 pair of shoes and $40 fingernails who are either anoexic or weigh 250 lbs.
Yes, YOU only do YOUR laundry, in YOUR house, and YOU saved and saved, and now YOU have it all to YOURSELF.
Except for the signature herd of cats that gals like you seem to inevitably acquire.
Have fun.
Why does the thought of a successful woman bother you so much? If you are in fact, a mature man, who does his own laundry than her post has nothing to do with you. If, however you are one of those men than maybe you need to grow up.
ETF1001

United States

#14 Mar 11, 2008
Tony wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, it's the men.
Not the self-absorbed, vapid, shallow cows with 100 pair of shoes and $40 fingernails who are either anoexic or weigh 250 lbs.
Yes, YOU only do YOUR laundry, in YOUR house, and YOU saved and saved, and now YOU have it all to YOURSELF.
Except for the signature herd of cats that gals like you seem to inevitably acquire.
Have fun.
OUCH! You must be under employed! Well any cow that wants a man can get a man - those that don't care get cats. Simple as that. Might as well leave it alone ...
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Mar 11, 2008
I am not very fond of cats myself. But I can take care of myself! Wait. That sounds strange. oops.
Polarity

Washington, DC

#16 Mar 11, 2008
Susan wrote:
That wasn't necessary, Polarity. She sounds proud of her accomplishments, and she should be.
I agree. Being proud of one's accomplishments is a virtue.

Dissing and rejecting a whole generation of peers as somehow lesser or beneath her isn't.
What makes you assume she's running around with married men 10-15 years older than her? I think that says more about you than about her.
You misread what I wrote. I'm not assuming that she IS already running around with older men. I'm saying that by rejecting an entire generation of her peers she has left herself with very few options, the most likely of which is to start chasing after older men.(She's hardly likely to start chasing after 17 or 18 year olds, now is she?)

And these older men, probably 10-15 years older than her, are most likely married and/or have kids.

Anyway you slice it, by rejecting a whole generation of her peers, Lauren has ensured that the pickings are slim. These numbers and odds are stacked against her.

Lauren's fundamental mistake is to assume that she's somehow better or more worthy than her peers, and her second fundamental mistake is to demand that her potential mate be at least as motivated and disciplined and successful as her.

My best advice to Lauren is to stick to her peer group, and look for the gems among them. Most importantly, she should avoid evaluating men as success objects (just as these men should avoid judging her as a sex object), and instead consider their character, integrity, and how happy and compatible she and he would be together.
Rebecca

Louisville, KY

#17 Mar 11, 2008
Polarity, you make a boatload of assumptions. You complain about your letter not being read carefully, but had you read the one of the young woman you are criticizing, you would have noticed she said "many" men her age still have their laundry done by their mothers. Not all. And jumping to the conclusion that looking for mature men will mean MARRIED men and that she'd necessarily be interested in that doesn't make any sense. It's clear she wants a responsible partner, not a jerk. That's the point. And she certainly isn't that desparate. And good God, what is wrong with wanting somebody as together as she is (which would, as I said, proscribe the married)

That's just a load of nastiness you unloaded for no reason. I agree with the other writer, it DOES say more about you than her.
Rebecca

Louisville, KY

#18 Mar 11, 2008
not "proscribe," but "preclude"
Polarity

Washington, DC

#19 Mar 11, 2008
Rebecca wrote:
It's clear she wants a responsible partner, not a jerk. That's the point.
Lauren didn't complain about meeting jerks. She complained about "coddled little boys" who live at home "still have their mothers doing their laundry".

In my view, living and home and having your mother do your laundry does not, by itself and without other evidence, make you a jerk or a coddled little boy.

This is precisely the easy stereotyping that I'm advising Lauren against. If all Lauren can see is who does her prospective mate's laundry, then quite frankly she have blinders on when it comes to evaluating her peers.
what is wrong with wanting somebody as together as she is (which would, as I said, proscribe the married)
Nothing is wrong with "wanting somebody as together as she is". Her mistake is to demand that her mate be strong in the same areas that she is strong in (discipline, financial management, ambitious, etc).

Rebecca, you missed my point entirely. Finding a compatible mate is a numbers game. The more you eliminate entire classes of people from even being considered, the less likely your chances of success.

And as I wrote before: Lauren is free to be as picky and judgmental as she wants about her peers right now. But if she doesn't find a suitable mate in, say, the next ~10 years or so, the odds will be increasingly against her. Most importantly, the very same peers whom she is rejecting today will be in a good position to reject her, just when her biological clock will be screaming.

In my view, eliminating outright an entire group of people from consideration is a colossal mistake. But that is what Lauren appears to be doing.
Polarity

Washington, DC

#20 Mar 11, 2008
Oh and Rebecca, please feel free to point out any of my "assumptions" that you feel are wrong.

In particular, I'd be interested in your thoughts about what age or demographic group you think Lauren should be looking at for potential mates, given that she appears to be rejecting the entire group of her 20-something peers.

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