Ken Walton Portrait of Passive/Aggressive Personality

Is there any way to really communicate with Passive/Aggressive man? They are guarded and mistrustful, reluctant to show thier feelings. Often, they often feel people unfairly accuse them of things, but they never own up to their own misdeeds. They promise to do something, will do it as slow a possible, or just leave the job undone. They reach for anything to fabricate an excuse for not fulfilling promises. To remain above reproach the p/a man will set himself up as the apparently hapless innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. He is the master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promise or obligations, the p/a man retreats froms pressures around him and sulks, pouts, and withdraws.
Its hard to hold on too a relationship with a man who habitually runs away when he cannot deal with obligations and family problems. Help is available, but getting anyone who is Passive/Aggressive to seek it, is almost impossible because they do not think they have a problem. It can leave a family in shreds of hurt and dispair.

I have just realized this is what is wrong with my marriage: my husband has passive aggressive personality disorder. I thought it was me. I have torn myself apart, wrung myself out, and lost all sense of myself as a decent or accomplished human being. An agonizing ordeal of frustration, self-searching, denigration, exhaustion and final collapse in despair-throughout, we only agreed to one thing: I should feel guilty. And I did. And he felt bad for himself; his pain as the hapless victim is bottomless. We have two children; 6 and 8. I have to gather the strength to go on without him; without hope he will ever change. Our children will lose everything: their home, their school,their routine, their economic status. And he will grieve for......HIMSELF.

Cynthia Walton wrote:

Is there any way to really communicate with Passive/Aggressive man? They are guarded and mistrustful, reluctant to show thier feelings. Often, they often feel people unfairly accuse them of things, but they never own up to their own misdeeds. They promise to do something, will do it as slow a possible, or just leave the job undone. They reach for anything to fabricate an excuse for not fulfilling promises. To remain above reproach the p/a man will set himself up as the apparently hapless innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. He is the master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promise or obligations, the p/a man retreats froms pressures around him and sulks, pouts, and withdraws.
Its hard to hold on too a relationship with a man who habitually runs away when he cannot deal with obligations and family problems. Help is available, but getting anyone who is Passive/Aggressive to seek it, is almost impossible because they do not think they have a problem. It can leave a family in shreds of hurt and dispair.

You BOTH sound like nut cases. You do know that you are replying to a harassing nut case, right? I am so glad you figured out what was wrong with your marriage 6 & 8 years AFTER you decided to procreate.
FYI for Cynthia …..
Stalking is defined under PA criminal laws as repeatedly following or committing other acts upon a person with an intent to place the person in reasonable fear or bodily injury, or otherwise cause the person substantial emotional distress.
Harassment is the intent to annoy or alarm the other person by repeatedly committing acts that serve no legitimate purpose.
Both these charges are commonly brought about by disgruntled ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, and can be fought on the facts and merits of the claim.
Harassment may be a Summary Offense or a Misdemeanor 3, depending on how it is charged. A 3rd degree misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of a year in jail.

I have finally realized that I am married to a passive aggressive man. Initially, I thought he was just a quiet type who didn't like controversy of any sort. Over time and two kids later, I see how destructive his behavior has become to my family. His lack of warmth, commitment and his inability to forge a relationship with me based on equality and mutual respect has worn me down such that I often doubt myself. He makes me so angry. I feel I was duped into marrying and I feel like I've gotten a raw deal in life. He has almost every characteristic of the passive aggressive personality. Recently, he (with the endorsement of his sister) have labeled me as bipolar and have continuously urged me to take medication. That would be so easy for me but every psychiatrist I have seen has said that I am not bipolar and what is needed is some marital counseling. Last month my husband called 911 on me when I was arguing with him. I was so tired with all this garbage that I literally pleaded with the police officer to arrest me. I guess I was hoping that this would be my way out of this sick relationship. Not so. By the way, if you ask my husband why he called the police on me he'll tell you I told him to do it. His sister says these things happen when you have bipolar disease. My kids and I are suffering and it is so difficult to explain what is happening in terms of the dynamics of this relationship. For the future I only see despair as long as I stay with this man. Anyone have any advice for me?

Sabrina,
I lived with this personality type for 20 years and have been divorced from him for 17 years. I believe you don't feel loved, and maybe you are not, or maybe your husband does not know how to begin to show love. That leaves you feeling unlovable and that makes you angry in the long run, which results in heated arguments. You are basically pleading to be respected AND loved. Also, it sounds like he plays the poor wounded victim. Even now, though my children are grown with children of their own, my ex-husband plays the poor wounded victim, and his children feel sorry for him. Now that they are getting into their late 30's and early 40's, they are beginning to understand the depth of his feigned dependence and his need to have things done for him, even though he is perfectly healthy. There may be many reasons for your husband's behavior. It sounds like he has placed walls around himself and cut off his emotions for some reason. My ex grew up in an alcoholic family, so he was an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA). He was also molested as a child (I found out after the divorce). Recently, he hinted to my daughter that he is gay. Hmmmm.....how many things could possibly be wrong? The bottom line is that if your husband won't even admit he has a problem, how can he be helped? Have you tried asking him outright if he was ever abused as a child or had any traumatic things happen to him? The real question you need to ask yourself after that is this: If you or he discover he has a problem, and he is willing to go for help, are you willing to help him through it? For me, too much hurt and pain had happened, but that does not need to be the case for you necessarily. Do you still love your husband enough to help him, if he wants the help? These are difficult questions to answer, but unless he admits to a problem and tries to find out what it is, you are beating your head against a wall, and only you can decide how much of that you can take. Don't lose your self-esteem or love for yourself in all of this. Back off from the arguing and try to get help yourself, if you can, in dealing with this. Arguments do absolutely nothing for either of you.

Yep, a friend hinted last week my wonderful partner may be P/A. It was like the fog had cleared. Yep - a big drinker, "aetheist" who had been raised catholic...finally I could understand why I had sensed hostility, and why he could not communicate about anything relevant...he wants me to give up everything that means something to me, and then he will not be happy either. He has no idea how to tell or demonstrate that he loves me, and won't try even when I tell him clearly. And sex sometimes once in 18 months...normally about 4 monthly...am I with a closet gay?
The counsellor says just to get him thinking by asking questions...I'm not that sure this will work, since if I get a response it is a grunt...was I better off with my ex's who were the flambouyant variety of P/A? At least because their physical and verbal abuses were against society's conventions I knew early to walk away!

I got divorced 5 years ago from a man who I believe has P.A. Personality Disorder. My problem is that we have 2 children together...11 and 14....and because of that I have to continue to have communication with him. He recently got remarried and ever since he's been a nightmare to me. He's involved the children now and is trying to manipulate them into living with him. The problem is that he's unreliable as a parent, has never been the primary caretaker, and he lies about things if he needs to in order to get his way. He has begun harassing me in order to get me angry.....and I feel like the nightmare that he is to me just has no end. I'm beginning to feel helpless.....and I've been in therapy for the past 5 years.....it's just that he's irrational and he seems to be set on making my life hell. He's causing distress to my daughter (age 11) by telling her he's going to get custody of her...while he forgets to pick her up from school, refuses to take her to violin, and ignores her when she visits him. I just can't get over the extent to which he's willing to hurt people just because he feels like the underdog....and I desperately want it to end...but I don't know how to "manage" him so that he'll stop harassing me.

Sabrina M wrote:

I have finally realized that I am married to a passive aggressive man. Initially, I thought he was just a quiet type who didn't like controversy of any sort. Over time and two kids later, I see how destructive his behavior has become to my family. His lack of warmth, commitment and his inability to forge a relationship with me based on equality and mutual respect has worn me down such that I often doubt myself. He makes me so angry. I feel I was duped into marrying and I feel like I've gotten a raw deal in life. He has almost every characteristic of the passive aggressive personality. Recently, he (with the endorsement of his sister) have labeled me as bipolar and have continuously urged me to take medication. That would be so easy for me but every psychiatrist I have seen has said that I am not bipolar and what is needed is some marital counseling. Last month my husband called 911 on me when I was arguing with him. I was so tired with all this garbage that I literally pleaded with the police officer to arrest me. I guess I was hoping that this would be my way out of this sick relationship. Not so. By the way, if you ask my husband why he called the police on me he'll tell you I told him to do it. His sister says these things happen when you have bipolar disease. My kids and I are suffering and it is so difficult to explain what is happening in terms of the dynamics of this relationship. For the future I only see despair as long as I stay with this man. Anyone have any advice for me?

Dear Sabrina: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!! I promise. Go to Amazon.com , search for a book "The Passive Aggressive Man: From the Bedroom to The Boardroom" by Scott Wetzel. Once you find it, look at the "reviews" and do a search for MMartin599 or Mary Martin. I read that book a few years back. You will cry when you are finally validated. Read my review and you'll see that you are not alone. Read the other people's review and you'll know you are not alone. Read the book and it will change your life. Good luck to you, try not to despair and email me at MMartin599@aol.com if you need a friend.

Sincerely, the wife of a PA with 2 children too!
Mary

I plan on writing many entries here on Topix about being married to a passive aggressive. For those of you who have asked themselves the question....yes, they are doing it on purpose. Chilling, but true...stay tuned...I have to go now but I'll be back to share the horror and nightmare that those of you who have experienced it, know, and ONLY those who have experienced it, know. Hang in there, Love, M

Hey Laurie wrote:

You BOTH sound like nut cases. You do know that you are replying to a harassing nut case, right? I am so glad you figured out what was wrong with your marriage 6 & 8 years AFTER you decided to procreate.
FYI for Cynthia …..
Stalking is defined under PA criminal laws as repeatedly following or committing other acts upon a person with an intent to place the person in reasonable fear or bodily injury, or otherwise cause the person substantial emotional distress.
Harassment is the intent to annoy or alarm the other person by repeatedly committing acts that serve no legitimate purpose.
Both these charges are commonly brought about by disgruntled ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, and can be fought on the facts and merits of the claim.
Harassment may be a Summary Offense or a Misdemeanor 3, depending on how it is charged. A 3rd degree misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of a year in jail.

Spoken like a true PA! Hiding behind an anonymous posting, too afraid to show "yourself" (as if you would know what that meant). Coward, hostile, weak, afraid, bully, self centered, Narcissist, worthless, non-existent looser. Did I hit all the high notes? Did I just read your internal dialouge ? You PA's think you are the master manipulators (in fact you are the master baters) but, in fact, you are soooo predictable. What was that sound ? Did you cowardly bang a pot to make a sound to tell someone you're angry ? Poor Baby, doesn't know how to express himself. What's that? You didn't reply to someone's question but stood there in steely silence, attempting to intimidate ? Poor little Mama's boy. Was your Mommy way too strong for you? So sad.....

Anyway, hope you get help with your personality disorder but if you don't, leave Cynthia and Laurie alone. You never know, we may team up and confront you! OOOUUUCH.

Beck wrote:

Yep, a friend hinted last week my wonderful partner may be P/A. It was like the fog had cleared. Yep - a big drinker, "aetheist" who had been raised catholic...finally I could understand why I had sensed hostility, and why he could not communicate about anything relevant...he wants me to give up everything that means something to me, and then he will not be happy either. He has no idea how to tell or demonstrate that he loves me, and won't try even when I tell him clearly. And sex sometimes once in 18 months...normally about 4 monthly...am I with a closet gay?
The counsellor says just to get him thinking by asking questions...I'm not that sure this will work, since if I get a response it is a grunt...was I better off with my ex's who were the flambouyant variety of P/A? At least because their physical and verbal abuses were against society's conventions I knew early to walk away!

Dear Beck: Continue trusting your intstincts (since if I get a response it is a grunt). It is so hard to explain this PA thing to anyone, including a therapist, who just don't/can't get it. I am in the same boat, married to a PA, going to therapy, trying to explain my husband's behavior which is so covert and under handed, and subtle, it's difficult to explain. But I know. All of us who is involved with this insanity know. Your therapist is wrong frankly, about asking him questions. You already know how he'll react, don't you ? He'll not answer, he'll feel like you're attacking him, no matter how you say it. It is always a "no win" with these guys. I'm sure you've asked your self this..."does he do this on purpose?" The answer is a resounding yes!
Do yourself a favor and do a search for Passive Aggressive (which I'm sure you have done) on the internet. There are great sites and one in particular, which is awesome. I don't know the address off hand, but post a comment here on Topix if you need for me to provide it...good luck Beck...you are very clear on what's going on...I also just said to my therapist...it would be easier if he beat me because then I would know what he meant. Take Care, Mary M.

First of all thanks for your support Mary Martin. I was wondering if anyone could give me any advice on how to make my husband realize that he needs some help. I have tried to recruit his family members in this endeavour who , in theory, agree that he has issues but they never want to move forward in trying to rectify this issue. I think only a person living with this kind of a personality can truly understand how debilitating life can be. I've tried on numerous pccassions to point out to my husband how self defeating and destructive his behavior is but he still remains rigid. If I push him too much he reverts back to calling me bipolar and that only my taking medication will solve matters. As of recently, I told my husband that I would take any medication if a doctor would prescribe it if he would also consider help. In his cold and condescending way he told me that even if I took medication it did not gurantee any change from his side. He has an excuse and answer for everything. When I talk to him about our lack of sexual life he blames it on me saying that I am so nasty to him that he does not want to be with me. Incidentally we have not had sex for roughly 2 years and in my 8 years of marriage my husband has never kissed me nor said he loves me. Even when he did engage in sex with me it was always very cold and at times he would tell me he is only doing because I want it. My biggest argument with him however is his work timings. He is self employed and can basically go work whenever he wants. Most people in his feild start work at 7 am and are done by 7 pm. He goes to work on average between noon and 1 pm and comes home at 3 or 4 am. On weekends he wakes up at 3 or 4 pm and comes home at 5 or 6 am. It has been like this since the inception of our marriage. Without exaggeration, I do not remember a time when he has been home before midnight... Not even once in all my8 years with him. If you ask him about it that is all my fault. Because I am so nasty with him he avoids coming home at night. I find this strange since I sleep at 11 pm and wake up at 7 am. Moreover, when he sleeps all day I am actually at home and awake. I've often wondered if he is having an affair or if maybe he is addicted to something weird. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what to think anymore. I am tired of dealing with this man. It has taken all the strength out of me. When I see my kids though I know I have to be strong because they only have me. I pray that god somehow helps me out of this ordeal.

could a passive aggressive man want to leave the marriage? After 11yrs. and 3 kids he is telling me that he feels beaten down because he has never stood up to me when I have chasized him for forgetting, or doing something slow, or not doing something my way. I don't even know if he is p/a but sometimes it sounds as if he is. Especially when I read articles on witholding sex as a punishment because he's mad at me for something that he can't express to me? I'm scared that our marriage may be over after what I thought was a very happy, healthy marriage. He says he is empty inside and feels like he has allowed me to treat him this way? Someone please help with any kind of advice.
Much appreciation

I guess I should've mentioned that he always praised me for being a great mom etc. never calls me names or berates me. In fact, it's the other way around. But some of his actions do seem like p/a behavior..forgetfullness, no reaction, no opinion however, he is highly motivated when it comes to his job, rn school, and his part-time job. He is sensitve and emotional but not outwardly emotional with his feelings towards us. Is there anyway he could even be passive aggressive?

My husband is very motivated in his job as well and has never called me names either. He does berate me but not directly. It's always something like he has given up on me, can't talk to me, I don't listen to him, not smart enough et., In other words, always very vague. He is very sensitive and emotional but poses to me that he doesn.t care. It's only when I point out his p/a behavior that he gets defensive and will do anything to protect himself. The story of feeling empty inside is something I've heard too but what about how empty we feel not to be able to have a fulfilling close relationship with our spouses? With these guys it's all about how they feel and how we should sympathize with the about their plight. We're supposed to understand that they really are sensitive and emotional on the inside... they are just so misunderstood. I think that is part of their pathology.

OH, I am so happy. Yesterday morning I found many articles on line on P-A. I too was starting to wonder if maybe I was crazy, or unrealistic in my expectations of marriage. WHEW, turns out I am not, and that my husband displays 7 of the 9 common factors in a p/A. I am lucky in that he will communicate with me, so I never told him what I found out, but rather that I believed I know what the issue between us is, and suggested seeking help. He never said no. I know his pattern is, when he knows I am really fed up- to be a charming great husband until hee reels me back in, so this time I am NOT letting up!! Booking the appointment today or tomorrow, to get proffessional help. LAST Chance!!

Wow. I had never heard of this before, but all of your complaints with your husbands describe my dad to a tee. My mom put up with his nonsense for 20 years until he finally ran off with another woman (after a scathing tirade to her about how it's all her fault). If only she had learned about this 25 years ago, and had the guts to give him an ultimatum to get treatement or get out, me and my siblings would have a lot less scars.

After not seeing my husband for almost 2 weeks I went to see him at his workplace at around 11pm to ask him if he would kindly find the time for me and the kids. He responded in his monotone voice that he would come home when he found time. It makes me so angry and hurt when he treats me like this and the kids. He makes every excuse why he can't be a responsible husband and father. When I lash out at him he sits quietly and watches me as though I'm the crazy person. When I went to his workplace I talked to him a loud voice and instead of trying to pacify me he just looked at me as though I was asking him something frivolous. In front of his coworkers he was very passive but as soon as he rounded the corner where no one could see he grabbed my arms and told me to get lost. Today I found out that he lodged a formal complaint at his workplace and he told me I would get arrested next time I "attacked" him. The extent of his lies are baffling and I don't know who to talk to. I know he can harm me and I feel so sad that I have to say that about my own husband.

Wow! It feels like a breath of fresh air to find this site and so many women with a husband like mine. I have been married to a P/A for 14 years. It has been a horrible roller coaster ride. I am constantly blamed for everything that goes wrong. I am lazy (even tho i have a full time management job), I clean the house, i make dinner (but it's never right) and EVERYTHING that goes wrong in his life is my fault. We even have a child who was born with a cleft palate, and if that wasn't scary enough, the night our boy was born, he left me in the hospital, alone and scared and went hunting. He has 3 illegitimate children with 3 other women (one of who is 3 years old) he left me and had an affair) and is now paying this woman $500/mo in child support and her husband is raising the child with his name. I just can't understand how I have stayed in this relationship and have not left. I am attractive and educated but it is like this man has paralyzed me. Currently, he has been gone for 2 weeks because he just can't deal with me and I don't do what he needs, don't listen, etc. Sex is ridiculous, maybe 2 or 3 times a year and I have to beg for it. I don't remember the last time I was kissed or told "I love you". I know this is so sick, and I so want to get away from this man, but at this point, I don't know if I could deal with a "normal" relationship....

I have had to self diagnose for the last couple of years. I have been married 9 years. We've been to 5 different couples' therapists, and several individual therapists. NOthing works. Finally, I began to realize there is a major personality problem I am dealing with. All these years he tried to make me believe I had an anger problem. You see, I've never been with a passive man before. Didn't know how they operate to feel powerful. They must be so self conscious and lack so much confidence that they don't even know how to have a normal arugument, or experience any relationship conflict at all. So they blame, blame, blame. They are pretty high and mighty about being right. They are also very convincing at making you doubt your "oversensitivity, or anger, or mistrust." Of course, it may take years for you to realize that you may be all of those things, but never, ever, would you be likely to be them to the degree you are now if it weren't for him. He's quite a catalyst. My relationship is hopeless because I've tried everything and he won't budge. He goes to therapy and claims he has no idea what I'm talking about. It's really sad that I can't find a therapist who is on to this. None of them have helped, and none of them seem to feel that PA is a personality disorder at all.....probably because it's not listed in their DSM 4..or whatever that insurance claim list of disorders is. So, they don't treat it as a problem, just an "ancillary" behavior to think about. Meanwhile if Scott Wetzler said he had been taping me in my house for the last 9 years, I would totally believe it. He could have been a fly on my wall, he knows my husband's M.O. so well. I dropped out of my 6th attempt at couple's therapy. They just don't know what this is all about and I'm sick of spending so much time and money for nothing.