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Amy C
United States
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Judged:
1
You need to leave your husband - sooner versus later. Trust me - I know, I've been there. He will never change unless he wants to and it is setting a poor example for your children. Sabrina M wrote: I have finally realized that I am married to a passive aggressive man. Initially, I thought he was just a quiet type who didn't like controversy of any sort. Over time and two kids later, I see how destructive his behavior has become to my family. His lack of warmth, commitment and his inability to forge a relationship with me based on equality and mutual respect has worn me down such that I often doubt myself. He makes me so angry. I feel I was duped into marrying and I feel like I've gotten a raw deal in life. He has almost every characteristic of the passive aggressive personality. Recently, he (with the endorsement of his sister) have labeled me as bipolar and have continuously urged me to take medication. That would be so easy for me but every psychiatrist I have seen has said that I am not bipolar and what is needed is some marital counseling. Last month my husband called 911 on me when I was arguing with him. I was so tired with all this garbage that I literally pleaded with the police officer to arrest me. I guess I was hoping that this would be my way out of this sick relationship. Not so. By the way, if you ask my husband why he called the police on me he'll tell you I told him to do it. His sister says these things happen when you have bipolar disease. My kids and I are suffering and it is so difficult to explain what is happening in terms of the dynamics of this relationship. For the future I only see despair as long as I stay with this man. Anyone have any advice for me?
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RoxAnne
Lafayette, CO
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Judged:
1
I was with and married to a passive aggressive him for 19 years. I had no idea what passive aggressive behavior was until he died and I read in his journal how much he hated my passions and joy in life. During our marriage he would never fight but would always pretend to agree with me. Then there was absolutely no follow through. He would do very little to support me but I had to give up everything I enjoyed to make sure he was happy. When I would get frustrated and angry with him, he would check out on the topic and stare at how dialated my eyes would become when I was trying to get through to him. And, instead of owning his part he would complain that I was being abusive. Because he never showed any anger I did realize until I read in his journal how angry and how much he actually hated my dreams and my passions until after he died. I was very committed to my husband and my marriage, and my husband used that against me to dictate what I could and could not have in life, because he kwew I would never leave him. I know better now and if he were still alive, I would divorce him in a heart beat.
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Kelley
United States
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Judged:
1
When I read the aforementioned book regarding PA men it was like I was reading a biography of the life I have with my husband. After reading your posts it seems that therapy seldom helps. It seems that I will have to leave him. I have always gravitated to the "wounded bird" and fully recognize and take responsibility for my choice in marrying him. I am however no longer satisfied not getting what I give and my whole worth isn't dependent on "helping" others. Knowing all of that though I still have this lingering guilt when I think of leaving him because aren't we all born good? Someone (usually parents) effects the person to the point that they become PA. It's so hard for anyone to change habits that they perceive make them safe. So I guess bottom line my questions is, how do I get over leaving the wounded bird? Any suggestions would greatly help. Thank you.
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Cindy
Schenectady, NY
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Kelley: I've been struggling with this dilemma myself for about 4 years. The best advice I can offer is to weigh the pros and cons of leaving vs. staying. Be brutally honest with yourself about which way the scales tilt.
If you find that you just can't seem to achieve a sense of genuine happiness, peace, security/stability, a feeling of being loved MOST of the time, instead of for small snippets of time... and instead you feel anxiety, unhappiness, like you're constantly reaching out into a void, like your hopes and dreams don't really matter... then you are doing yourself a disservice by remaining in something that deprives you of truly living, loving and being loved.
The wounded bird who will not (or does not know how to) reach out for help, and commit to truly change, is not looking out for your best interests, and will not make YOUR life any better.
But I know this is not easy. I just wish I could follow my own advice...
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Kelley
United States
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Cindy - Thank you! That is really good advice. I've often thought that I should keep a journal to see just how often I feel happy in this or not.
In your struggle what have you found to be the best ways to deal?
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Kelley
United States
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So, before we got married he told me that "he didn't have anything to offer before and now he does, you'll see" when he asked what I wanted from him the other day (as though a 43 year old wouldn't know) I said I wanted what he promised. He said - "I don't have that to give now" I told him that I don't think he ever intended to follow through with anything. He doesn't even give of himself. I am so exhausted of this. I don't have the money to pay the rent on my own but am tired of his games, irresponsibility (he always asks "what are you going to do with me" as though he has no choices in his life) and drunkeness ruining what should be happy times that I have put a lot of work into. Suggestions?
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Tess
Newington, CT
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Amy C wrote: You need to leave your husband - sooner versus later. Trust me - I know, I've been there. He will never change unless he wants to and it is setting a poor example for your children.
<quoted text> You are correct. I am in a similar situation. My husband made me believe I was Borderline but the therapist told me I needed a marital counselor as well. Then my husband started threatening to call 911 when we argued so I did. He told the officers I was mentally ill. He can not validate that he does anything wrong. He constantly turns it around on me. If I catch him in a lie he tells me I am the one it is difficult to have a conversation with. I am physically ill - auto immune diseases - flairing up everywhere from the stress. I am planning on leaving just looking for the right place that I can afford as he has led us into financial ruin and I have a 8 year old little boy to support. I have noticed though that the stronger I get and more defiant I am in regards to his emotional manipulation and lies the more he sinks into the passive aggressive behavior.. it is really scary.
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PA Victim
Owings Mills, MD
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Judged:
1
I've been crusing the internet tonight and I accidentally discovered that my husband is passive-aggressive. The last 18 years have been explained. The little white lies, constantly being told that I don't listen, him always being right, never answering a questions, forgetting things he doesn't want to do, forgetting plans, forgetting previously agreed upon things, doing the opposite of anything I ask... Geez, I'm just glad to know it's not me now. Going forward is the hard part because I do love the man - but where to start in dealing with this. I am a successful profressional and I just can't believe how this has happened to me. I KNOW he believes I will never leave him and I think he uses this to his advantage. I feel like I've been punked.
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kathy
Okotoks, Canada
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1
have married to a pa man for 10 years and alot of what i have read here today applies to my situation.my husband had been married to a bipolar and when i met and fell in love with him i thought that he was still under alot of stress from that situation, but as the years went by and he started to show the signs of pa diorder, he then began to make me feel crazy and completely worthless and today i in no way feel like the person that i used to be, productive, energetic and worthwhile in the things i love to do, now i for the most part, sit at home and wonder how much longer i can stand the stress of the ongoing games and calous control.
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what a bunch of bs
Pasadena, TX
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Judged:
1
1
this is the biggest bs storm I have seen on the intrnet, If you Just spend half the time you spend complaining enjoying life and judging others maybee things will work. This is the blind leading the blind with diagnosed disorders like passive aggresive. PLease
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Cynthia Walton
Raleigh, NC
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OMG I love you guys. I thought I was alone. Thanks for letting me know Im not the only one taken advantage of by a sick person.
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Judge it!
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