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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jun 1, 2012
DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was in third grade, and my sister and I lived with my mother. When I was 16, Mom met a man online, quit her job and moved across the country to be with him. My sister and I begged her to let us finish school first, but she was adamant about moving. She gave us a choice -- move with her to another state or move in with our father. We chose the latter.

Since then, my mother has not been a part of my life. She calls occasionally, but never on my birthday or special holidays. I invited her to my wedding, but she didn't attend. When I think of my mother, I associate her with feelings of abandonment and unhappiness.

Mom called me last week, and frankly it was upsetting. I have heard from others how unhappy she is with her life and the choices she made, although she hasn't said it to me directly. I find it painful to hear her say she loves me, because there's a difference between saying it and living it. I have forgiven her, but it doesn't mean I want to sign up for more of that treatment.

Is there a moral obligation to allow her back into my life? I believe you can't help what happens in your childhood, but you can decide how you let it affect you. Or is it OK to stay on the path I have chosen and keep my distance from her?-- MORALLY PERPLEXED IN TEXAS

DEAR PERPLEXED: If a closer relationship with your mother would be dangerous for you emotionally, then you shouldn't risk it. It is not your fault that the life she chose didn't turn out to be a happy one for her. After years of being treated with indifference by her, if you choose to keep your distance, I support your decision.

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps I'm a little old-fashioned, but do you think it's acceptable when having a large wedding and reception to hurry your guests away so a smaller group of intimate family and friends can attend a more exclusive reception? Is this now common among new couples?

I'd gladly attend a single open house or reception in the new couple's honor after their honeymoon, when they wouldn't be so rushed. Your thoughts, please.-- SOMEWHAT OFFENDED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR SOMEWHAT OFFENDED: No, it is not a trend. To shoo away one's guests so that a private party can be held afterward is rude. It shows lack of consideration for the feelings of one's guests, and it is very poor manners.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with three children. Several years ago we bought a puppy. When we got her, we were told if she ever gets lost, she could be located through the chip that had been placed in her.(The breeder said it was just a "shot.") You can also buy a car these days with a global positioning device installed so the car can be located if it is stolen.

The cost for the police to find a missing child has got to be astronomical. Wouldn't it be much cheaper to come up with global positioning chips for our children?

They do it for dogs and cats. When will we make our children safer than we do our pets and our cars?-- JUST THINKING IN FLORIDA

DEAR JUST THINKING: You have come up with an interesting concept, and not just one for small children. It could work for members of the military and workers who go abroad to dangerous locations, and also for people suffering from Alzheimer's disease who might wander.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Jun 1, 2012
L1 not only needed validation for her choice not to have contact with her mother, she was also asking for a strategy in how to respond to the absentee mother's overtures. LW got the validation but no suggestions on how to conduct herself and respond.

L2 As described, Abby is correct, this is rude. However, if the family has a wedding and a cake reception, that reception has an end time. What the family does after, is not the concern of the people invited to the reception. I got the impression that the guests might not have been hustled out so much as they wanted to stay past last call. That makes the guest rude, not the host.

L3 I thought some guy in FL did just that to himself a year or two ago. Red can probably track it down faster than I can.

It's a decent idea for some circumstances like an Alzheimer's patient who wanders, but most anything else smack of on step beyond Big Brother. Just watch your kid. The rest of humanity has done it just fine without electronic chips

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jun 1, 2012
L1: Wow. PE made a good observation. I feel for this LW. I suspect that it's GUILT that kept the mom from attending the wedding, and shame. Unable or not wanting to face her exhusband.

L2: No, it's not common, it's actually very rare, and it's beyond tacky. If "intimate family and friends" (meaning tier 1 guests) want to have a special little party, they can do it the next day.

This isn't a "wedding and cake" reception if it's large. The only "wedding and cake" receptions I've been to have been relatively small.

L3: Great, then we'll have child molesters cutting open the back of kids' necks to get to the chip.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Jun 1, 2012
LW1: "is it OK to stay on the path I have chosen and keep my distance from her?"

Yes.

LW2: Never heard of such a thing.

LW3: Interesting idea. Why would you ask an advice columnist?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Jun 1, 2012
PEllen wrote:
L1 not only needed validation for her choice not to have contact with her mother, she was also asking for a strategy in how to respond to the absentee mother's overtures. LW got the validation but no suggestions on how to conduct herself and respond.
All she asked for was validation.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#6 Jun 1, 2012
1 got the right answer, actually I dont even know why she wrote in, she seems normal.

2 Your jealous because you overstayed your welcome. the family just wanted to hang by themselves. GO HOME!

3 How about you just learn to keep track of your little rugrats yourself? If you were not spending so much time on your back trying to make babies, you would have more time to watch them.

Oh, and they have sneakers with chips in them already, and you can be found by your phone as long as its turned on, you dont even have to be using it, and google friends can track you anywhere on the dam planet.

KEEP YOU STINKING CHIPS OUTTA MY KIDS!

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#7 Jun 1, 2012
L1: Yes. But I still don't understand why someone would ask an advice columnist this, as opposed to a good therapist, clergyperson, trusted friend/family member, etc.

L2: I've never heard of this either. Find a new circle of friends.

L3: The microchip that goes in your pet isn't a GPS, dumbass. And there's no way I'm letting Big Brother put one in me, under any circumstances. What a ridiculous idea.

Since: Nov 10

New York, NY

#8 Jun 1, 2012
L3- Did they change the chips in pets? From my understanding, they don't talk to satellites. You have to scan them to see information about the pet. So, you can't just track down an animal - you have to wait until someone finds it and brings it in to be scanned.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jun 1, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
L1: Yes. But I still don't understand why someone would ask an advice columnist this, as opposed to a good therapist, clergyperson, trusted friend/family member, etc.
Cause lots of people don't go to church, don't have a shrink, and don't want to bother their friends with this type of problem.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#10 Jun 1, 2012
Renee J wrote:
L3- Did they change the chips in pets? From my understanding, they don't talk to satellites. You have to scan them to see information about the pet. So, you can't just track down an animal - you have to wait until someone finds it and brings it in to be scanned.
You're exactly right. It's just an embedded ID tag, basically.

Since: Nov 10

New York, NY

#11 Jun 1, 2012
L3- Besides, do you know how much energy is needed for GPS? You'd also have to insert a huge battery and recharge it.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#12 Jun 1, 2012
L1: Heck yes, keep your distance from the cold woman who gave birth to you. She quit being a parent long ago, so in my book she doesn't deserve to be called mother.

L2: Grab your gift and take it home with you. You got milked!

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#13 Jun 1, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Cause lots of people don't go to church, don't have a shrink, and don't want to bother their friends with this type of problem.
How would their close friends NOT know? Friends talk.

And I wasn't saying that a given person should have ALL those people I mentioned, but I would think that MOST people have at least one of those categories in their lives.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#14 Jun 1, 2012
1- You're an adult. When are you gonna grow up?

3- Tracking devices in people. Hmmmm.... isn't that warned about in Revelations?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Jun 1, 2012
LW1: F' her.

LW2: That is beyond tacky.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#16 Jun 1, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
How would their close friends NOT know? Friends talk.
And I wasn't saying that a given person should have ALL those people I mentioned, but I would think that MOST people have at least one of those categories in their lives.
I think most people don't have a therapist, only some have clergy they're comfortable with, and the family and friends are unlikely to be unbiased.
I'm going for half validation seeking and half just getting it down on paper/screen to read and try to look at objectively herself.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Jun 1, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>I think most people don't have a therapist, only some have clergy they're comfortable with, and the family and friends are unlikely to be unbiased.
I'm going for half validation seeking and half just getting it down on paper/screen to read and try to look at objectively herself.
Good thoughts.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Jun 1, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
How would their close friends NOT know? Friends talk.
Eh. Friends might know the situation, but to me, that's where it ends. Given this specific issue, I would not be talking to my friends to justify my feelings toward my mother. That would be beteewn me, myself, and I.

Hell, my parents looked like they were headed for divorce a few years ago. I never discussed it with any of my friends. When my mom looked like she was trying to drag me into the middle of it, I brought it up here, to get opinions cause you people are imaginary.(Most of you agreed with my opinion to tell her that's between them and I ain't gettin involved) You're my Abby.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#19 Jun 1, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You're my Abby.
True, and I stand corrected. We're all lucky to have each other!
:)

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#20 Jun 1, 2012
LW1: Of course you can keep your distance; you don't need Abby's permission for that. But maybe don't close the door all the way; people change yanno?

LW2: Never heard of such a thing. But I can't figure out who's being rude here. The LW for overstaying their welcome at the reception and then getting irritated that they weren't on the A list, or the bride/groom for scheduling the parties like this.

We got our own wedding drama later this month, so I really don't care about yours.

LW3: Yeah, those chips are just for identification purposes only. Get the kid a tattoo; they're cheaper.

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