Thursday Funny

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

lol

A young man was driving up a steep, winding and narrow mountain road. Going round a tight corner, he notices a woman driver who is coming in the opposite direction begin to lean out of her window. As they pass each other she yells at him - "PIG!!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and screams back at her, "WITCH!!!"
Each continues on their way, and as the man rounds the next bend he crashes into a pig, right in the middle of the road...

If only men would listen......

A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Pit-Bull Attack in Bryan, Texas
An 8 year old boy was riding his bicycle in Bryan, Texas, when he saw
his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog's back. After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his young friend's body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead. The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, "Son, that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. You're going to make tomorrow's headlines. It will read: Texas A&M Fan is Hero; Risks His Life; Saves Young Friend From Vicious Pit Bull Attack. The youngster said, "That's nice, but I'm not a Texas A&M Fan". The editor said, "OK, then it will read: University of Texas Fan Saves Young Friend's Life in Pit-Bull Attack The young man said, "But I'm not an University of Texas fan."
The editor said, "OK, then it will read: Rice Fan Saves Friend's Life.
Once again the young man interrupted, saying, "I'm not a Rice fan, either. "The editor, becoming somewhat irritated, asked, "Then, who is your favorite team?" The kid replied with a big smile, "LSU"
The next morning, the local newspaper headlines read:
BELOVED FAMILY PET MURDERED BY LITTLE COONASS!!!

May I borrow your dog for a few days?
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

SINGING IN CHURCH

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The minister shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS." The minister hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound." The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD." The Pastor said "SEX." The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

Laugh often ... it burns calories.

I have been well trained!! I knew all of these!!

The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means:[Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

hhhhhhmmmmmm well since i am a woman i have to agree some of that is true maybe but not all of it lol

Well I have had those pounded into my head! So I just agree and say "Yes dear" !!! LOL

was it with the ole frying pan?.......lol

How did you know??? LOL

Was it you that hit me???

How did you know? LOL
Was it you that hit me???

i dont think it was me cause if i had you wouldnt forgotten me so easy lol

Oops. I didn't meant to post that twice.

Really? You must always leave a good impression!!! LOL