Never Underestimate a Smart Woman

This sounds like something I would do!:)
Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad
News.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs
in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself
and walk into the
Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things
Are good, and we
Celebrate when things don't go so well. In this
case, things aren't
Well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club
and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There
Were some laughs and more martinis. They were
eventually approached by
Some of the woman's old friends, who were curious
as to what the two
Were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friend S were aghast, gave the woman their
condolences and beat a
Hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter
leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of
cancer, and you just told
Your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do
that??''Because I don't want any of those bitches
sleeping with your father
After I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called,'Putting
Your Affairs In
Order.'

Too funny!

PEOPLE ASK WHY? Why I Carry a Gun

My old grandpa said to me son,' there comes a time in every man's life
when he stops bustin'knuckles and starts bustin' caps and usually it's when he becomes too old to take an ass whoopin'.

I don't carry a gun to kill people...
I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don't carry a gun to scare people.

I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don't carry a gun because I'm paranoid. I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I'm evil.

I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don't carry a gun because I hate the government.

I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don't carry a gun because I'm angry.

I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.
I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone.

I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy.

I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don't carry a gun to make me feel like a man.

I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love. I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate.

I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don't carry a gun because I love it.

I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.
Police Protection is an oxymoron. Free citizens must protect themselves. Police do not protect you from crime, they usually just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess.
Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too take an ass whoopin'.

About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'

Hehehe..another good one!

Maxine's life lessons

__________
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,

a good find for many retirees,

I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,

unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

sounds like my wife and 2 boys,cant believe anyone slept withtwice too

henry wrote:

sounds like my wife and 2 boys,cant believe anyone slept withtwice too

Dude shut the hell up and stop trying to start sh*t on these pages. Get a friggin life! Thought you were finally done causing crap here. I really hope someone figures out who you are and puts a boot up your as*! GROW UP!!

The jokes are awesome btw, I have read them to everyone...keep them coming :)

Yup.... another good one ;o)

father ask mother cry,why do our sons off to die?
wives are devasted,because their husband lives
are waised.sent to an islamic land to corral
an arab man.sight alignment picture ture.that's
a snipers killing view squad maneuver,take that
ground.gunfire and the battle sound.they aren't told a reason-why,they just kill and some will die.
been said,osama started this mess,but goes deeper i must confess.it began when cain did abel slay,
ever since we've had to pay.cause man's nature is of a beast.when animals kill they eat at least.
race,hatered,and religous view?to kill for these is
nothing new.now there is a-brand new season,we
kill each for no reason. shells are cheap and
bullets less,wake-up ppl and stop this mess. cause wars are paid with-lives being lost.that,s really much to great a cost.we fought a yellow man
in a far off land. we went forand tried to care
for one another,the few,the proud,my worrior
brother,sister.all did not survivor that call,now their names are on the wall,while generations come and go with headstones lined up in a row.
we the people need to find peace within our home land where ever that may-be.god bless every man and woman. my father was in war 2 roby allen
1918-2005.i am a proud daughter.tara winningham

When did this page turn into church? Did I miss something? The last I knew there were some good, clean jokes on this page.

Respect that other person he doesn't disrespect you
He search for the path to success the hard road he's been through
You may feel his best not good enough but at least he's game to try
There's more to life far more to life than me, myself and I.

Don't begrudge that other person some respect to him show
He may not be a great success but at least he has a go
Before the child takes his first steps he has to learn to crawl
And on the uphill climb through life one can expect to fall.

Respect that other person he's a good sort of man
To make a success of his life he does the best he can
He works hard for his children and he's faithful to his wife
And he deserve some credit for making the most of life

Respect that other person for some respect he is due
For if you do not respect others, others will not respect you
He works hard for his family and he doesn't draw easy pay
And he is one who lives life in the good and honest way.

I try to understand why some people act the way
they do.I had a great father who had no hate in his heart.Your right about respect.Here is something I KEEP CLOSED TO MY HEART.
WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN AND NO ONE AROUND.
WHERE DOES YOUR MIND GO.DO YOU WORRY ABOUT
YOUR FAMILY OR YOURSELF OR A FRIEND OR JUST
ANYTHING?THE WORLD HAS SO MUCH HATE I DON'T
WANT TO ADD TO IT.I WISH EVERYONE THE BEST IN LIFE.YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT MAY HAPPEN.TAKE CARE OF YOUR LOVE ONES AND DO AS MUCH AS YOU CAN
WITH YOUR CHILDREN.LIFE CAN BE THEIR AND GONE THE NEXT.I DO AS MUCH AS I CAN WITH MY FAMILY.PLEASE
KEEP WRITING.I KNOW I HAD CANCER AND NOW I'M
FRIGHTING AGAIN.PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO BE NICE
TO SOMEONE.HAVE A NICE DAY.IM SORRY I'M TAKEN
EVERYONE TIME UP.

This will make you smile!

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids..
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said,'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

Too Funny!

Job Description - "PARENT"

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends, and frequent, 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends, and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed!


Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated,at least temporarily,and until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule, and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, and in case this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, and an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume, final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None/Never.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, and so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this -You pay Them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.


A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more!



BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement , no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth,and unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life, IF you play your cards right!


Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, and in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...


....Or, forward with love, to anyone even THINKING about applying for this job.

Loved this one. very true lol

The Funeral
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet
behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on
a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I
know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"
"His mistress, she tried to help my husband, and then the dog turned on
her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

^^^That one's a hoot!^^^