Dear Abby 11-15-09

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

DEAR ABBY: On a Sunday afternoon in late September, I got hopelessly lost trying to find O'Hare Airport in Chicago. I pulled off the interstate at a neighborhood exit and asked a man parked at the curb for directions. He was Hispanic, and there was a bit of a language barrier, but he and his sister offered to lead me there.

When we neared Midway Airport, I realized the mistake that had happened. They again offered to lead me to O'Hare -- which is a considerable distance from Midway.

We traveled through stop-and-go traffic, took shortcuts through local neighborhoods with parades, demonstrations and traffic cops, and became temporarily separated when other vehicles darted between me and my rescuers. I worried that the needle on my gas gauge would drop, which would mean having to gas up again at my destination -- if I ever reached it.

They got me to O'Hare and I turned in my car before the needle dipped. I could only wave my gratitude as I turned off. I hope my navigators understood.

They were in their late 30s/early 40s and driving a small red pickup with an open bed. I never got their names, but hope they'll recognize themselves if you print this. They were wonderfully helpful and kind to a stranger in trouble, and I am grateful.-- LADY IN THE RED HYUNDAI WITH N.Y. PLATES

DEAR LADY: I hope your "dos Buenos Samaritanos" see your letter and know that they are still in your thoughts. An act of kindness is a powerful thing; the "ripples" it creates move ever outward. So now it's your turn -- pass it on.

story continues below
advertisement

DEAR ABBY: My parents are chronic overspenders. The illusion of material wealth is all they care about. Over the past 10 years they have filed for bankruptcy twice, lost two homes, had three cars repossessed and been through credit counseling twice.

My two siblings and I have tried to help, but all it did was enable them to continue acting irresponsibly. The money we have "lent" them is into five figures. Once we lent them money so their car wouldn't be repossessed, but they used it to buy new furniture.

Mom and Dad are now unemployed, and none of us is able to bail them out again. Last year, we asked them to forgo any holiday gifts. All we wanted was a family dinner and for them to use their money on bills and necessities. They didn't listen and bought us extravagant gifts anyway, only to hit us up later for money to pay the bills! We returned the gifts and gave the money back to them.

How do we impress upon our parents that we don't want any gifts this year? We're ready to cancel celebrating Christmas with them. I know they'll be hurt, but what else can we do?-- HATES THE HOLIDAYS IN OHIO

DEAR HATES THE HOLIDAYS: Your parents have a serious problem, and if you care about their welfare -- as you and your siblings obviously do -- I recommend that all of you start family counseling immediately. It may take a mediator to help your parents realize that their behavior is out of control and that someone else should be managing their finances.

You cannot and should not be expected to fix their money problems, which I suspect are the result of other underlying issues. Your doctor or state psychological association can refer you to someone who is licensed and qualified.

L1- Maybe your rescuers can read enough English & are fans of Abby's. Otherwise, they were just being nice. But to not be able to find O'Hare? Did it occur to you to read some road signs? Maybe a map? O'Hare's pretty hard to miss.
L2- Cancel holiday celebrations. Then they'll know you mean business. I doubt you'll get thru to them any other way. Besides, who is going to pay for counseling? You?

LW1 - That was a nice story. I recommend that everyone who travels to an unfamiliar city (especially if they are travelling alone) bring a portable GPS. It is totally worth the investment.

LW2 - Stop giving them money. If it makes you feel better, return the gifts they give you and put the money in a bank account until they turn their lives around.

L1: They were fortunate to run into some very nice people. Next time, go to Mapquest. O'Hare Airport is pretty easy to find. There are signs all over the place. But I am a Chicagoan so I probably am more familiar.

L2: That's a difficult one. Just continue not giving them money. For your holiday celebration, why doesn't the whole crew go volunteer at a soup kitchen or something for the homeless. Stop at retirement homes. They sound like compulsive shoppers.

LW1-Yep, pay it forward.
LW2-What Jess said.

L1: UM, given the language barrier, I doubt they'll read Dear Abby (unless Spanish-language newspapers translate and run her column). But I wish you had given them money for THEIR gas usage! Next time, use this thing called a "map." They're quite handy.

L2: My friend was tellingm e about his inlaws. His FIL is a dentist who has a high-end practice. He accepts no insurance, and it's the kind of work that can run up to $20K a mouth. And he and his wife spend like that money will always be coming in. My friend is worried that they're going to expect to move in with him and his wife when they "retire" (i.e., quit working and have no money).

His inlaws have not saved a penny for retirement. THey are in their 50s. But they spend about $5K a year on each of their daughters for christmas.

I am happy having my tax dollars helping out people who are truly needy and who have done their best, but I would hate for a dime to go to people like them.

LW1--Yeah, lovely story, but maps are easier. Buy one next time you stop for gas.

LW2--Return the gifts and give the money back to them, just like last year. Bill 'em for the time and gas it took to do so. And lock up your checkbook, in case you are tempted to give them one last infusion.

Detroit Daria wrote:

And lock up your checkbook, in case you are tempted to give them one last infusion.

Come to think of it, I wouldn't put stealing/fraud past these parents. I'd lock up any and all financial paperwork for my own protection!

AngelaMN wrote:

<quoted text>
Come to think of it, I wouldn't put stealing/fraud past these parents. I'd lock up any and all financial paperwork for my own protection!

I'm wondering how people with two bankruptcies and a passel of repossessions are able to get enough credit to buy extravagant gifts in the first place.

Detroit Daria wrote:

<quoted text>
I'm wondering how people with two bankruptcies and a passel of repossessions are able to get enough credit to buy extravagant gifts in the first place.

When you file for bankruptcy, you are guaranteed good on your credit cards for, I think, 8 years. If you default on a payment, it's an automatic judgment against you. When I filed BK, you wouldn't believe the number of credit offers I got. Interest rates are thru the roof, but what do you care if you don't intend on paying it in the first place?

I know of several people who live in $500K homes, yet have to lease their furniture & cars. They always have the latest gadgets & dine out several times a week. Some dine out every day. They're headed for major crashes, but noone can tell them to stop spending. They claim it's their right to spend their paycheck on anything they want. Too bad that doesn't cover health care for themselves or their kids. But hey- they're bulletproof. Or so they think.

1: The grouch in me hates these letters because I know the do-gooders won't read it and LW is a moron who can't map out something major like that ahead of time.

2: Two bankruptcies and multiple repossessions haven't deterred them, probably nothing will.
Family counseling? For the adult children also?
Giving money enables them, LW knows this. It will only require balls of steel to use this word from now on: NO. Refute all emotional manipulation that will most definitely spew from their mouths.

cheluzal wrote:

1: The grouch in me hates these letters because I know the do-gooders won't read it and LW is a moron who can't map out something major like that ahead of time.

The amorous man in me LOVES the grouch in you and your angry responses!

LW2: I doubt family counseling is going to do anything. And your concern is over what to do about Christmas when your parents have this very severe problem? I call fake. Recommend them a financial planner.

edogxxx wrote:

<quoted text>
The amorous man in me LOVES the grouch in you and your angry responses!

Can I infuse that quality into every ex who can't appreciate a strong, outspoken woman with a good heart? LOL

Am I the only Chicagoan who wonders how it is LW1 was so lost getting to O'Hare that the logical conclusion from the locals was that s/he was headed towards Midway instead?

TamoraRose wrote:

Am I the only Chicagoan who wonders how it is LW1 was so lost getting to O'Hare that the logical conclusion from the locals was that s/he was headed towards Midway instead?

I wonder if it was a language problem. The good samaritans recognized "airport", but not which one. But to get that far south & not realize something was wrong speaks volumes about the LW.

TamoraRose wrote:

Am I the only Chicagoan who wonders how it is LW1 was so lost getting to O'Hare that the logical conclusion from the locals was that s/he was headed towards Midway instead?

And did she just use the word "airport," not specifying which one? I"m not from Chicago but EVERYBODY knows there are two airports there!

I'm feeling generous today, so I will give LW1 a break and assume she is "of a certain age" and not used to traveling/driving by herself. Otherwise, you are an idiot and should just take taxis when you travel since you do not have the necessary skills to survive on the road, such as the ability to read signs, understand gas gauge information, and/or interpret maps.

LW2: You really need to be strong and tell your parents no more money. Ever. I have no patience for people who won't take care of themselves financially when they have the means to do so. If you don't force the issue now, be prepared for them living in your spare bedroom in about 15 years.

TamoraRose wrote:

Am I the only Chicagoan who wonders how it is LW1 was so lost getting to O'Hare that the logical conclusion from the locals was that s/he was headed towards Midway instead?

I'm not a Chicagoan but I still wonder that. They're a good 40-minute drive apart (maybe longer? I don't remember) so she must have been on the wrong path for a good while before stopping and asking.

Those people who helped her sure went above and beyond.

I think you guys might be a little hard on LW1. Certainly she should have planned better, but just because she got lost does not mean she is an "idiot." I am the worst person in the world with directions. I cannot tell which direction I'm going, I cannot effectively read maps, and my ability to use Mapquest is do-able but spotty. I hate driving in large cities. If I was in Chicago heading toward Midway instead of O'Hare, I wouldn't have a clue.

Of course, I'm married to my GPS and keep it in my car at all times, and she should have planned ahead. But who knows--maybe she ran into construction or an accident and had to go a separate way and got lost that way.