My husbands ex-wife acts like she owns him

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Mommy333

Mount Pleasant, IA

#1 Oct 20, 2011
My husbands ex-wife will not leave him, us or our family alone. She originally wrote a letter to the judge in their divorce stating that she does not want custody of his daughter. We have been together almost 3 years now and are coming up on our one year wedding anniversary. We have a baby together now and he and I both have custody of our children (my son and his daughter). His ex-wife will not leave him alone for anything, she is constantly calling his cell phone, calling him in the office, texting him or e-mailing him. She does this 3-5 days a week and 1-3 times a day. She will constantly bad mouth me to him and to my step-daughter, I am getting to the point where I feel like the only way to have peace and a drama free life I will have to leave him. What do I do?

“Don't Start Rumors!”

Since: Oct 09

Location hidden

#2 Oct 20, 2011
Change phone numbers, change e-mail addresses and tell him to just stop taking her calls at work. Sounds like he needs to stand up to her and let her know that she needs to knock it off. Surely he would be willing to do that for you.
Husband2mommy333

Chicago, IL

#3 Oct 20, 2011
Baby if your going public with this you forgot to tell them that you where the maid of honor in my 1st wedding. I have joint physical custody I have to stay in contact by court orders. I love you have nothing to worry about she wanted out didn't want to be a full time mother so I let her go.
Mommy333

Glenview, IL

#4 Oct 21, 2011
If I were more important to my husband than his ex-wife than by now he would have stood up for me to her and let her know that I was more important to him then she is by now. This has nothing to do with our daughter anymore as much contact as there is between the two of them there Is no way it is about my step daughter. I feel like if he can't stand up to her and tell her to back off it only means that he wants her back, especially lafter we have been together for this long. He is too scared of hurting her feelings to even confront her about the fact that she was supposed to have taken back her maiden name forever ago and has refused to do so. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.
dr. fill

Charleston, WV

#5 Oct 21, 2011
This is much cheaper than marriage counseling.

“Don't Start Rumors!”

Since: Oct 09

Location hidden

#6 Oct 21, 2011
Mommy333 wrote:
If I were more important to my husband than his ex-wife than by now he would have stood up for me to her and let her know that I was more important to him then she is by now. This has nothing to do with our daughter anymore as much contact as there is between the two of them there Is no way it is about my step daughter. I feel like if he can't stand up to her and tell her to back off it only means that he wants her back, especially lafter we have been together for this long. He is too scared of hurting her feelings to even confront her about the fact that she was supposed to have taken back her maiden name forever ago and has refused to do so. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.
See if he's willing to go to a marriage counselor with you, if not, at least go on your own. Bottom line, if he can't or won't at least make an attempt to help reassure you and make you feel better, you might just have a serious problem with him that you nor anyone else can help with. Then you are left with taking your own happiness into your own hands and doing what needs to be done to make yourself complete and happy again whether its with or without him.
Mommy333

Chicago, IL

#7 Oct 23, 2011
I have talked to him about counseling we are just having trouble figuring it out financially Since insurance does not cover that. His ex wife constantly harasses me too. I have had to file 3 police reports against her friends for threatening me at my home, which is a 45 min drive from them, and I have never even carried on a conversation with these people. I have documented in the last not even 2 years that she has either directly or indirectly attacked me my family or my children. Never physically but always emotionally or psychologically. I really have no idea what to do now? It has gone way too far and my husband is so scared of her taking us back to court if he offends her that he refuses to say or do anything for fear of hurting her feelings.
Mommy333

Chicago, IL

#8 Oct 23, 2011
I have documented 97 times that she has done some completely out of line towards me.

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#9 Oct 23, 2011
Mommy333 wrote:
I have documented 97 times that she has done some completely out of line towards me.
I am sorry for your troubles. A couple things that jump out at me. The biggest thing is that you have "documented 97 times" that she has done something complety out of line.Most spouses don't "document" anything like this unless they are going to have a legal issue or are very insecure. Talking to him and or counseling may help, but the first thing that you need to do is work on yourself. It is always easier to change yourself than to change others. There is counseling available on a sliding scale. It will cost money but I would find a way to fit it into your budget. A trained counsler may help you see thhings differently. There are other issues going on, other than her behavior. Good luck and if you ever want to chat and get a mans view on things just drop me a pm, if/when you register.

“Don't Start Rumors!”

Since: Oct 09

Location hidden

#10 Oct 23, 2011
When it comes to your own well being, taking care of the kids, being the provider for comfort, and a harrassing ex in whatever form that may be, to deal with, plus the possibility of the ex documenting things him or herself, it is absolutely not strange or odd that you would be documenting things yourself...whether it be 97 times or 397 times. Information like that could be fairly important in the long run and should not ever be considered alarming for someone to do so . Anyone who questions you for documenting or looking out for yourself, and keeping your own records of what happens to you and your family along the way during hard times is obviously not looking at the situation in an unbiased way.

You can see a counselor on a sliding scale and i'll agree with the previous poster on that, but you should have all documentation of everything you have noted that worries you as well. If anything it will help the Dr. have more insight to the overall situation. And a perfect world in visiting a marriage counselor would be that the spouse do the exact same thing and bring it , if he or she is even willing to participate.

Being an insecure spouse has NOTHING at all in common with what your own heart tells you when it senses something may be wrong. People like the previous poster who thinks you're over reacting have probably no idea whatsoever about what it is that you MAY ACTUALLY be going through.
Dr. SEUSS's response, sounds similar to what you would expect to here from a health insurance provider now days.

Since: Dec 10

Location hidden

#11 Oct 23, 2011
DrMUDD wrote:
When it comes to your own well being, taking care of the kids, being the provider for comfort, and a harrassing ex in whatever form that may be, to deal with, plus the possibility of the ex documenting things him or herself, it is absolutely not strange or odd that you would be documenting things yourself...whether it be 97 times or 397 times. Information like that could be fairly important in the long run and should not ever be considered alarming for someone to do so . Anyone who questions you for documenting or looking out for yourself, and keeping your own records of what happens to you and your family along the way during hard times is obviously not looking at the situation in an unbiased way.
You can see a counselor on a sliding scale and i'll agree with the previous poster on that, but you should have all documentation of everything you have noted that worries you as well. If anything it will help the Dr. have more insight to the overall situation. And a perfect world in visiting a marriage counselor would be that the spouse do the exact same thing and bring it , if he or she is even willing to participate.
Being an insecure spouse has NOTHING at all in common with what your own heart tells you when it senses something may be wrong. People like the previous poster who thinks you're over reacting have probably no idea whatsoever about what it is that you MAY ACTUALLY be going through.
Dr. SEUSS's response, sounds similar to what you would expect to here from a health insurance provider now days.
It is not normal for someone to document every single instance when a spouse's ex crosses the line. I would bet that she has the time date and notes of each instance.I would also bet that the average person who would be told the facts would think that she has some real issues. Sorry but I disagree that it is normal. I can tell you right now this relationship is doomed, no matter the behavior of her husband or his ex. If the ex left the country and never had contact with either of them this relationship will still fail. She needs to seek help for herself and in that process she will figure out what should be done about her current situation. If someones psyche is broken the can not have a healthy relationship.

“Don't Start Rumors!”

Since: Oct 09

Location hidden

#12 Oct 24, 2011
When child custody is involved, history of problems with ex spouses, and different scenarios such as that, it is VERY common. A family lawyer will tell you to do so , just so all bases are covered should the information become relevant in a family court matter. I see it all the time.
wondering

Watertown, WI

#13 Oct 24, 2011
Mommy333 wrote:
If I were more important to my husband than his ex-wife than by now he would have stood up for me to her and let her know that I was more important to him then she is by now. This has nothing to do with our daughter anymore as much contact as there is between the two of them there Is no way it is about my step daughter. I feel like if he can't stand up to her and tell her to back off it only means that he wants her back, especially lafter we have been together for this long. He is too scared of hurting her feelings to even confront her about the fact that she was supposed to have taken back her maiden name forever ago and has refused to do so. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.
You better just get used to it mommy333. First of all, she has the choice to change her name at time of divorce. Her choice, and why would she, since that is her daughters name. Second if you were maid of honor, unless I misunderstood the remark, you were the reason for the breakup. He will always LOVE her and if he would admit it he still LOVES her. You wanted him and now you have him and everything that goes with him. Learn to deal with it or get the H33L out.
Mommy333

Chicago, IL

#14 Oct 24, 2011
I was the maid of honor however I was not even in contact with either of them for over 3 years because I had huge issues with her constantly cheating on him and spending too much time getting stoned to change her daughters diapers. It was after divorce was filed that he ran into me and asked me to help h in raising my now step daughter. Our relationship developed after that. She wrote a letter during the divorce that she did not want custody and agreed to change her last name back in the divorce as well. As for the documentation it is being done because our attorney has advised us to document absolutely everything for court. The issue at hand is that what she is doing is deeply hurting everyone involved and everyone is so scared to stand up to her for fear that she will only get worse. My marriage is wonderful in every other category besides her. I just don't know how to deal with this one problem/ person.

“Don't Start Rumors!”

Since: Oct 09

Location hidden

#15 Oct 24, 2011
Your on the right track and doing what you should be doing with the lawyer.
Key thing is that it takes two people wanting to make it work at whatever costs it takes, whether your trying to spend money on counseling or not. Bottom line is, if he is truly committed to your marriage, and truly wants what's best for the both of you in the future, he'll step up and see that the attempt is made right along with you. If not, you got some thinking to do .
funny

Watertown, WI

#16 Oct 27, 2011
DrMUDD wrote:
Your on the right track and doing what you should be doing with the lawyer.
Key thing is that it takes two people wanting to make it work at whatever costs it takes, whether your trying to spend money on counseling or not. Bottom line is, if he is truly committed to your marriage, and truly wants what's best for the both of you in the future, he'll step up and see that the attempt is made right along with you. If not, you got some thinking to do .
Thats funny, he will never stop loving her.
My opinion

Davis, WV

#17 Nov 14, 2011
I personally think that the new spouse is overreacting simply because of some of the statements she made. Like her marriage is perfect in every other scenario other than that one issue/person. If it was SO perfect then the ex wouldn't be an issue! If he truly loves the new wife, HE would be up for counseling or whatever was neccessary to make his new wife secure. If she didn't want to be a mother to the step daughter then she shouldn't have gotten involved with a ready made family. When you do that you take on the responsibility of his/ex's child. It is not always the ideal job but if you can't do it and be a good step parent and most importantly be good to the step child, GET OUT! If the ex is that much of a problem kick her butt! It can be very effective. As long as it doesn't happen in the presence of the child they can't remove the child over a domestic, which is what it will be considered since it is a family matter. I know this first hand due to the fact that my ex had an ex that was a huge thorn in our side. I finally came to my senses though and realized he wasn't as into our marriage as I was and I got away from him, his ex, and the drama. I am very happy now as a single mom raising my own child.
My opinion

Davis, WV

#18 Nov 14, 2011
DrMUDD wrote:
Your on the right track and doing what you should be doing with the lawyer.
Key thing is that it takes two people wanting to make it work at whatever costs it takes, whether your trying to spend money on counseling or not. Bottom line is, if he is truly committed to your marriage, and truly wants what's best for the both of you in the future, he'll step up and see that the attempt is made right along with you. If not, you got some thinking to do .
Maybe the ex is doing some documenting too. Maybe that is why he hasn't taken her back to court. If she is calling him at work 3 times a day there is more than harrassment going on, wake up! All you have is his word that it is harrassment, maybe she has taped calls that he isn't as over her as he wants you to think. Maybe he likes having you there to carry the burden of his kid while he plays around. How would you know right, you have the responsibility of the kids. Then he just comes home from work (play) and tells you that she called harrassing him three times. I would push for him to take her back to court if he doesn't then he is scared of something, but it isn't of hurting her feelings! He knows she has something on him that he doesn't want found out.
My opinion

Davis, WV

#19 Nov 14, 2011
Mommy333 wrote:
I was the maid of honor however I was not even in contact with either of them for over 3 years because I had huge issues with her constantly cheating on him and spending too much time getting stoned to change her daughters diapers. It was after divorce was filed that he ran into me and asked me to help h in raising my now step daughter. Our relationship developed after that. She wrote a letter during the divorce that she did not want custody and agreed to change her last name back in the divorce as well. As for the documentation it is being done because our attorney has advised us to document absolutely everything for court. The issue at hand is that what she is doing is deeply hurting everyone involved and everyone is so scared to stand up to her for fear that she will only get worse. My marriage is wonderful in every other category besides her. I just don't know how to deal with this one problem/ person.
If you weren't in contact then how do you know she was to stoned to change diapers? It sounds to me like you were more involved then you would want people to know. It sounds like you want to blame everything on the ex when there should be some blame placed with the husband. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage!! Why would you be afraid of her getting worse if he goes back to court? I personally would be more afraid of her getting worse if she is let go to continue this behavior! What is the REAL reason for him not taking her back to court? Just a few questions that maybe as the new wife you should ask yourself. Also, not trying to be rude but if you were involved with him and split their marriage up did you not think that KARMA might bite you in the butt? Once a cheater always a cheater! If he will cheat with you on her, he will cheat with her on you or on you with someone else. Who is caring for the kids while all of this drama is going on?
Mommy333

Brownsburg, IN

#20 Nov 19, 2011
I WAS NOT in contact, involved with or even around until after my husband had left her and filed for divorce. Our relationship was not even a thought until after theirs was over. I had absolutely nothing to do with them breaking up what so ever and he never once cheated on her with me

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