Amy 6-27

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“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jun 27, 2012
 
Dear Amy: I am 21 and in a committed relationship with the man of my dreams.

Lately he is quite dependent on me. He has run into some financial trouble due to unstable employment.

At first I started helping him out with small things, like picking up the check when we'd go out or giving him rides, even if it is extremely inconvenient — literally across the city.

On top of the money I give him, I find myself having to remind him to do simple everyday tasks, like planning his bus route to work ahead of time and waking up early enough to get to work. Instead, I usually end up having to drive him.

I want to be the supportive girlfriend, but it's starting to take a toll on me. I have a busy life and a future to be saving for as well, but whenever I tell him no or don't offer to help him, I worry that he'll think I'm selfish.

I worry about him a lot. When we go out, I can't help but buy him food even though we've talked about it and agreed that for the time being neither of us should spend money on the other.

I just don't know where to draw the line or what's expected of me.

Should I stop stepping in?

— Playing the Wife

Dear Playing: The way you describe it, this dynamic contains a fairly predictable geometry: The more you do, the less he does.

In an ideal situation between mature (or maturing) adults, the more one partner does, the more the other is inspired to do. In this relationship, you are not "playing the wife." You are playing the mommy.

If your guy doesn't have a medical condition interfering with his ability to figure out a bus schedule, then you should not be mothering him. When you do, you remove his incentive to do anything differently.

Don't call him to wake him up in the morning. Don't take him to work if he has another way to get there. Don't hover, offer suggestions, prompt him, bug him or otherwise overcompensate for his choice.

He may respond to less effort on your part by making more effort on his own behalf.

Dear Amy: I am a woman in my late 20s.

Each relationship I have, I lose interest in sex after about six to eight months.

My last relationship lasted three years, and by the end I still cared for him but literally hated him even touching me in a remotely sexual way.

I just wanted to cuddle and hug but nothing more.

In my current relationship, the sex was great for the first six months or so.

I am in love with him, and everything else in the relationship is wonderful, but I'm just absolutely not in the mood for sex any more.

I'm not looking to get out of the relationship — I just feel somewhat asexual.

This is difficult for my relationship because he can't understand why I would suddenly lose interest, and I don't understand it either.

Is this normal? And can it be overcome?

— Stifled

Dear Stifled: When it comes to sex, there is a wide range of what could be considered "normal."

The only important thing here is that this is causing a problem for you and your partners.

You should start by speaking with your doctor about this now-predictable drop in libido. Your hormone levels should be checked.

You should also pursue professional counseling. Moving so quickly from amorous to "I hated him touching me in any sexual way" raises red flags. You need to talk it through.

Dear Amy: "Left Behind" wrote about being "unfriended" on Facebook.

I think unfriending someone is a pretty hostile gesture.

You always have the option to hide people, so that you don't see what they post unless they comment on something from a mutual friend.

I have several friends I have hidden because I'm not interested in their posts. They don't know I've hidden them, so their feelings aren't hurt.

— Facebook Fan

Dear Fan: It's also possible that the younger woman who "unfriended" "Left Behind" didn't want Left Behind to see her posts.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#2
Jun 27, 2012
 
L1:"I am 21 and in a committed relationship with the man of my dreams."

and /s/ "Playing the Wife"

You are still playing make believe sweetheart. This is not Barbie and Ken.

Either that or your "dreams" aren't very happy ones if this is the best you can do

L2 Consider that you might not be communicating what you like in bed and you have a 6 month limit for being able to fake it. That could come out in counseling as well. Or, maybe you have had rotten luck in lovers.

L3 One more reason I stay off Facebook. That and the stalking app they posted and killed in 3 days or the stealth changing of your email address, or...

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Jun 27, 2012
 
L1: So the man of your dreams is a lazy deadbeat who sponges off his girlfriend? Why don't you move that bar up a notch or two?

L2: "You should start by speaking with your doctor about this now-predictable drop in libido. Your hormone levels should be checked." I can see this if the first six months with sex are the result of the excitement of being in a new relationship, and then that isn't enough to sustain your sex drive. Otherwise, I think this is all mental. Time to go to the doctor!

L3: "I think unfriending someone is a pretty hostile gesture." Hostile? Really? I think the things that lead one to unfriend a person are more hostile, generally.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#4
Jun 27, 2012
 
LW1: So you're worried about losing him if you don't cater to his ever need? He's got you wrapped around his pinky. Good work, bf.

LW2: Roleplay time.

LW3: "I think unfriending someone is a pretty hostile gesture."
Wow are you nuts.

“Walt Frazier for POTUS”

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#5
Jun 27, 2012
 
L1: So which group home were you cruising when you landed this 'catch'? You're a doofus for getting sucked in like this.

L2: Seems you have a classic case of 'imaginatively ate the wedding cake'. Dr. Saluki prescribes a week in Jamaica at the singles resort. Get your freak on with a total stranger or 3 and deal with that guilt instead.

L3: Hostile? I unfriend people for being nutbags, never posting, or for being FB stalkers. Nothing hostile intended, I just want no further contact. I see you Steve Zuckerburg!

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#6
Jun 27, 2012
 
L1: I was thinking "mommy" before I even read Amy's response. It's one thing to help him out financially (although I'm not sure what "unstable employment" is supposed to mean... he has a job that's regular enough that he has to learn the bus schedule to get there every day, right?) but quite another to learn the bus schedule FOR him, wake him up on time, etc. Stop doing all that stuff.

L2: Because *Amy* has the answers to these issues?

L3: Hiding people on Facebook is passive-aggressive. I'd much rather deal with the "hostility" of being unfriended. Then I least I know the score.

“suffers from formicophilia ”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#7
Jun 27, 2012
 
1- You want a boyfriend, he wants a mommy.

2- I think if you were asexual, you wouldn't be too interested in sex at all. Maybe you're a lesbian?

3- Oh lighten up. Hate when people take goofy inet sites so seriously.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#8
Jun 27, 2012
 
LW1: Man of your dreams? He sounds like a mooch.

LW2: "It's time for the doctor to check your a$s."

LW3: Wha, wha, wha.

“Walt Frazier for POTUS”

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#9
Jun 27, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
L3: Hiding people on Facebook is passive-aggressive. I'd much rather deal with the "hostility" of being unfriended. Then I least I know the score.
I'm sure I've been unfriended on FB multiple times. But honestly, since I'm not a local figure of authority/interest in my town, it's a big so-what for me.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

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#10
Jun 27, 2012
 
The guy in L1 does sound like a mooch, but I'm not convinced that he's not just rolling with life. I mean, he's got a gf that will do all this stuff and give him money. Is he supposed to say no? Who would want to take the bus if their gf/bf would come pick them up?

I think what the LW needs to do is stop doing some of these things and see what happens. For example, she should let him know that she won't be able to give him a ride for the next few days and see if he makes it to work. Don't give him any money or food for a few days and see if he manages to cook or eat. Find out what kind of person he is when he needs to be.

In all the serious, committed relationships I've been in, there's always been willingness to do quite a bit for each other. She said that "Lately he is quite dependent on me." which means to me that it hasn't always been that way. I also wonder if she hasn't just offered more than she wants to do, and now she wants to cut back but doesn't know how. She needs to learn to communicate boundaries and let her bf take care of himself.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#11
Jun 27, 2012
 
LW1: Less effort on your part is the right way to go. Just be prepared for all the whining that will come with it. He will probably dump you after a few months. Good riddance.

LW2: This is all mental. Try some porn first, since it's cheaper than therapy.

LW3: People really get this worked up about Facebook? I just don't get it...
Sam I Am

Schaumburg, IL

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#12
Jun 27, 2012
 
1. You're 21. You have have plenty of time to find someone better than this loser. Leave him alone for a few weeks, give him a chance to step up, and if he doesn't then move on. You don't need to spend the next 60 years babysitting this dum dum.

2. It is not hormones, otherwise she wouldn't find her sex drive at the beginning of each new relationship. See a shrink.

3. Unfriending is "hostile?" Who are these losers who are so invested in their standing in the Facebook world. I would unfriendthe hell out of you. Then I'd friend you again because you can't stand not being friends. Then, just when you got comfortable and we'd exchanged a couple "Just had a great sandwich!!" posts, I'd unfriend you again.

Since: Feb 10

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#13
Jun 27, 2012
 
cycle003 wrote:
The guy in L1 does sound like a mooch, but I'm not convinced that he's not just rolling with life. I mean, he's got a gf that will do all this stuff and give him money. Is he supposed to say no? Who would want to take the bus if their gf/bf would come pick them up?
I think what the LW needs to do is stop doing some of these things and see what happens. For example, she should let him know that she won't be able to give him a ride for the next few days and see if he makes it to work. Don't give him any money or food for a few days and see if he manages to cook or eat. Find out what kind of person he is when he needs to be.
In all the serious, committed relationships I've been in, there's always been willingness to do quite a bit for each other. She said that "Lately he is quite dependent on me." which means to me that it hasn't always been that way. I also wonder if she hasn't just offered more than she wants to do, and now she wants to cut back but doesn't know how. She needs to learn to communicate boundaries and let her bf take care of himself.
Yeah, I think SHE is the one with the problem, not him. It sounds to me that she thrives on his dependancy, except when it becomes inconvenient for her. She needs to step way back and quit doing things like buying him food after they have agreed not to buy stuff for each other. I think they would both be happier if she dumped the mommy/child format. If not, I suspect they are going to end up resenting each other.
Community Disorganizer

Florham Park, NJ

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#14
Jun 27, 2012
 
LW 1: If this loser is the “man of your dreams”, your dreams must be more like nightmares!

LW 2: It’s obvious you’ve never meet a man like the Community Disorganizer.

LW 3: Enough with this face book nonsense.

Since: Feb 10

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#15
Jun 27, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
L3: Hiding people on Facebook is passive-aggressive. I'd much rather deal with the "hostility" of being unfriended. Then I least I know the score.
I don't even notice.

Apparently, a former co-worker blocked me. We weren't friends, but had mutual friends and apparently it really bothered her to see me comment on their updates. So she blocked me and was telling people that she had really shut me down. I didn't even realize it until someone said something about it, months later. Yeah, I guess she shut me down. She wins. OK.
I like fb, and find it a convenient way to stay in touch. But my self-worth is not tied to it in any way. Hide me. Unfriend me. I don't care.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#16
Jun 27, 2012
 
1 If you would just try harder....

2 If you get skeeved out by sex you need a shrink.

3 FB stuff, dont care

“Walt Frazier for POTUS”

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#17
Jun 27, 2012
 
RACE wrote:
2 If you get skeeved out by sex you need a shrink.
I think there's either abuse in homegirls' past, she has a short attention span, or she's a lesbian in serious denial.
Either way, wonder why she loses interest at 6 months? Why not the 3rd time they knock boots??
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#18
Jun 27, 2012
 
1: Man, I wish the lw's could read OUR responses!

2: Of course it's not normal. You know this or you wouldn't have written in.

3: It's only hostile to a doormat who cares more about the number of friends and their perception of her than living within boundaries of decent friendly behavior.

Since: Jan 10

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#19
Jun 27, 2012
 
Rod, I think it mostly has to do with the newness of the relationship fading at the six month mark. I suspect she normally has a low sex drive, but it ramps up fora new relationship.

“This is SPARTA!”

Since: Dec 08

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#21
Jun 27, 2012
 
cycle003 wrote:
I also wonder if she hasn't just offered more than she wants to do,
Right. If someone offers me something I need, I assume its because they are willing to deliver. Can't get mad if I accept your offer.

Like when there was only on spot left on the dance show and Theo told Cockroach he should go. And Cockroach said no, Theo, you got us here. You should go. And Theo said, its ok, you should go, Cockroach. And then Cockroach said ok. Then Theo got upset. Mrs. Huxtable said Theo had himself to blame for offering up something he did not want to give up.

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