Amy 8-5

Dear Amy: I've been divorced for a couple of years and generally everything is going well. I've circled my wagons around raising our children, who are 7 and 8 years old.
My ex and I have equal shared responsibilities for raising the kids, although I provide all the income. That is not the issue, though.
My problem is that my ex regularly has her boyfriends over to her house while the children are there. I've requested numerous times that if she wants to have her friends come over, then to do so when the kids are with me. A simple phone call and I would come and get them.
My point is why should my kids deal with the emotional problems when she has a breakup with one of her boyfriends?
In one situation, the boyfriend had a couple of children of his own, and for a few weeks they all paraded around mimicking the Brady Bunch until the relationship went sour. When it did, my ex told our kids that the other kids went out of town.
Well, they didn't go out of town — the relationship ended.

What are your thoughts?

— Bob

Dear Bob: I hate to burst your nice ex-relationship bubble, but your ex-wife's behavior and choices are pretty atrocious, and I think you should do more than provide the structure for her to be a better parent and suggest repeatedly that she show better judgment.
You are absolutely correct that her choice to introduce various boyfriends into the kids' lives is confusing and chaotic for them, during a time when both parents should be working extra hard to make their lives stable.
As to her lying about a relationship, well, she will see how that will turn out when the children are teenagers and lying to her about their own relationships.
I think you should check with your lawyer and revisit your custody agreement. You are the more responsible parent, and the children might do best living with you full time, with visitations with their mother.

Dear Amy: Mrs. Smith and I were married for 15 years. We had a son, then we got divorced. Both of us remarried. She is now Mrs. Jones.
Our son is now an adult and has a girlfriend who sends out chatty emails about their doings. She refers to me as "Father Smith" and my ex as "Mother Jones."
That's all good.
Then she refers to my ex's current husband as "Father Jones" and my current wife by her first name, let's say "Mary."
On one hand, I understand. To refer to my current wife as "Mother Smith" would be a slap in the face to my ex-wife. Yet to give my ex's current husband the honorific of "father" while not giving the title of "mother" to my current wife seems also to be a slap in my wife's face.
The whole thing seems like hairsplitting. While I want to ignore it and hope it goes away, I think I should send my son's girlfriend a note and say, "You know, calling one stepparent 'Father Jones' and the other stepparent 'Mary' is a bit unbalanced. How about we drop the honorifics?"

What do you think?

— Mr. Smith

Dear Mr. Smith: If I were "Mary," I'd be relieved not to be referred to like a character from a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, but hey, that's me.
You need to find out from Mary whether this really bothers her — or if it only bothers you. If she doesn't mind it, do nothing.
This girlfriend sounds like a sweetie. You can't really ask her to change the way she addresses your ex and her husband, but you could convey, "You are sweet to refer to me as 'Father Smith,' but how about you call Mary and me by our first names? We'd prefer that."

Dear Amy: I want to commend you for your compassionate answer to "Concerned Young Adult," who was trying hard to break his addiction to prescription medication. I hope he follows your advice and gets help.

— Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned: My heart broke when I read his letter. Recent news stories and studies indicate that prescription drug abuse is the latest American drug epidemic, with an estimated 1 in 12 high school seniors in 2011 reporting they took Vicodin for a nonmedical use.

LW1 - How many BFs has the ex had in a "couple of years"? Do they regularly spend the night? Does the ex engage in excessive and obvious PDAs with the BFs in the presence of the children? If there is a revolving door for different sleeping-over BFs, then yeah, talk to your lawyer about revisiting the custody agreement. If the ex dates available men with kids, and they all go on "Brady Bunch" outings or hang out as friends with families at her house, you are way out of line dude.

LW2 - "Mother Jones"? "Father Smith?" From a GF (or a DIL, for that matter)? Mary should be thanking her lucky stars she escaped the wacko moniker from a weirdo GF.

What Cass said.

Amy's response is way out of proportion to the stimulus even given the LW's moral indignation

L1: Whatever you're paying your wife to be divorced from you, it sounds like it's worth every penny, eh? She's showing bad judgment, for sure. 20, 30 years ago, this might have been enough to get custody. I dated a guy (now 54) whose father won custody of him (one year old!) because mother was "promiscuous." (that merely means she dated once she and her husband split)

You obviously have wealth. Go to your attorney and see what you can do. Maybe being threatened wtih losing custody of the kids -- and using that threat to get her into some parenting classes (including perhaps some sort of post-divorce couples counseling, only to get her to see that what she's doing isn't in the best interest of her kids).

L2: HOly cow, dude. UN-CLENCH.

L3: This isn't the "latest" drug epidemic. The adults I know who were drinking at 14 and doing drugs (including heroin and cocaine): Many of them started with the pills in their parents' medicine cabinets.(This was news to me -- I didn't know of any parents who had prescription drugs like valium.) we're talking mid '70s and into the '80s.

L1: I completely agree with Amy. although, I think Mr. Money should visit his lawyer and scare the exwife into agreeing to (1) knock off this stupid behavior and (2) go to post-divorce counseling (with the LW, if that's what it takes, so she doesn't think it's all on her) so she can learn from a professional that she isn't making choies that are in the best interest of her children. Threaten to take the kids away and make it good.

Stupid parents piss me off.

L2. DUDE. UN. CLENCH. My god.

L3: Oh please, this is hardly new. Every decade they seem to act like prescription drugs are the latest danger. Ih ave friends who were getting into their parents' valium in the '70s and '80s (I know, I had no clue so many adults were on pills back then).

1 How come nobody has mentioned that the kids should be clued in to mom's antics, and it would be ok for them to be reserved in getting attached to these people? Then see your lawyer.

2 Is this really the worst thing in your life? Go help someone who needs it and forget about this supposed slight.

3 Yup, kids and drugs. But I blame the parents who shoveled riddilen down their throats to keep them from acting like children when the were in fact children. Reap what you sow, birds coming home to roost and all that.

1- Yeah, take her @ss back to court and change the custody agreement. Sounds like her behavior can be potentially harmful to the children.

2- If I was capable of following what the hell you're complaining about, I might agree with Angela.

3- Prescription medication abuse is the leading cause of unnatural death in America. If someone is addicted to pain meds, they should seek help.

L1: This isn't smart of the ex, but this doesn't seem to rise to the level of changing custody. Talk about disruptive to the kids! Sit down and talk to your ex about your concerns in a reasonable manner. I have this sneaky feeling that you haven't approached this right. Don't have evidence, but I also don't know many women who'd pass up a good babysitter when going out on a date I'm thinking there's more to this. That or she's really THAT bad about everything and you do need to get custody.

L2: Some people are never happy. Be glad she includes everyone dude and move on.

L3: I think scripts are given out more freely by docs so there's more opportunity. I don't think this is a new thing but I could see how it could be more prevalent (with the great prevalence of scripts in the 'rent cabinet).

I agree with Cass and PEllen. I think LW1 could either have a legit concern, or he could be way out of line. Either way, I doubt the ex is going to lose custody because she lets her kids meet her boyfriends. Unless drugs or something is involved, "Sherry lets our kids meet other adults and their children!" probably won't hold much weight.

Pixx wrote:

I agree with Cass and PEllen. I think LW1 could either have a legit concern, or he could be way out of line. Either way, I doubt the ex is going to lose custody because she lets her kids meet her boyfriends. Unless drugs or something is involved, "Sherry lets our kids meet other adults and their children!" probably won't hold much weight.

Who the hell let you out of the kitchen?!?!

Keeping in mind that I don't think it's a good idea to introduce one's children to a SO until the SO *is* a SO, I think LW is way out of line. He is upset that his ex is dating, period.

Mom and the BF d'jour broke up and she told the kids that the other kids left town. What was she supposed to do tell them that the BF didn't want to be exclusive, or he went back to his ex, or he's a cross dresser and she couldn't handle it, or whatever? They are kids.

They shouldn't have been introduced to him in the first place, IMO, but...but...but...that's not a sufficient reason to lose custody. LW wants to control. his ex. <shrug>

Still not illegal to have guests of the opposite sex visit in one's home even if the kids are still minors. I know they're gonna pas some nanny state laws making it so, but for now, she can still entertain in her own home with her children there (appropriately of course).

LW doesn't get to tell her she can't or to take away her custody just because he's butt hurt that she won't do what he tells her to.

Pixx wrote:

I agree with Cass and PEllen. I think LW1 could either have a legit concern, or he could be way out of line. Either way, I doubt the ex is going to lose custody because she lets her kids meet her boyfriends. Unless drugs or something is involved, "Sherry lets our kids meet other adults and their children!" probably won't hold much weight.

Hey kid! Good to hear from you. How are you doing? What are you up to? How has grad school been so far? Has your social life turned civilized? Post on Regs so we can find you.

Toj wrote:

L1: This isn't smart of the ex, but this doesn't seem to rise to the level of changing custody.

L1: I'm not jumping on the Amy bandwagon either. Sure, it's not wise, but if I was a judge I'd say, "Where is your proof that the defendant is harming your children sir? Motion to change custody dismissed."

I've heard of divorce decrees/custody agreements that very clearly state that no sleepovers are allowed when children are in the house. I'd definitely put that into my agreement if I were divorced with kids.

Wouldn't you loose a lot of Nick time if he had that in his divorce?

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

I've heard of divorce decrees/custody agreements that very clearly state that no sleepovers are allowed when children are in the house. I'd definitely put that into my agreement if I were divorced with kids.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

I've heard of divorce decrees/custody agreements that very clearly state that no sleepovers are allowed when children are in the house. I'd definitely put that into my agreement if I were divorced with kids.

Sorry, but the "no nookie" clause would never be something I'd agree to.

LW1: You should have had it entered in the custody decree or agreement that no one is allowed to have a boyfriend over when the kids are around. My buddies is like that.

LW2: Whatever.

LW3: Whatever.

RACE wrote:

Wouldn't you loose a lot of Nick time if he had that in his divorce?
<quoted text>

Nope. I think I've slept over fewer than five times when the kids were there. And that has been when i agreed to "give up" date night so he could take the kids an extra night.

Saluki Rod wrote:

<quoted text>
Sorry, but the "no nookie" clause would never be something I'd agree to.

You have the kids half the time, that leaves plenty of time for nookie!

I would suggest that there be a clause that if you've dated someone for X amount of time (a year?), then you can have sleepovers. But a revolving door on mom's bedroom is not cool.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

<quoted text>
You have the kids half the time, that leaves plenty of time for nookie!
I would suggest that there be a clause that if you've dated someone for X amount of time (a year?), then you can have sleepovers. But a revolving door on mom's bedroom is not cool.

I do think that's a good idea, but not sure how easy it would be to get it added if it wasn't there in the first place.