Abby 9-10-10

SUDDEN END TO LONG FRIENDSHIP BECOMES NEIGHBORHOOD GOSSIP

DEAR ABBY: "Pam" and I have been friends since childhood, when we attended preschool together. Our backgrounds are similar and we share the same religious views.

About two months ago, Pam suddenly stopped speaking to me. I have wracked my brain and honestly have no idea why. I have called, e-mailed and sent her letters to which she tersely replied, "Leave me alone."

I'm sick over it and don't know what to do. My kids love Pam and I adore her children and family. I cannot for the life of me imagine what would cause her to discard our friendship with no explanation.

I heard through the neighborhood grapevine that people suspect there must have been some kind of infidelity involved -- such as Pam's husband hitting on me or mine on her. According to one neighbor, "It's the only plausible reason" a friendship like ours would end so abruptly. I am beside myself. What should I do?-- HAVEN'T A CLUE IN NEW YORK

DEAR HAVEN'T A CLUE: I wish you had written me before soliciting advice from your neighbors because now you've got them talking. There may be something going on in your friend's life having nothing to do with you that she's not comfortable talking about right now -- which could also account for her silence. Try not to internalize what has happened and allow her the space she's asking for. The truth will come out eventually. It always does ...

DEAR ABBY: I am a disabled man and I live with my 75-year-old mother. Most of the time we get along OK, but Mom is a "clutter bug." I have never known her to throw anything away.

There are newspapers and magazines stacked everywhere in our home dating back at least 10 years. Mom doesn't want to invite anyone into the house. She says it's "a mess," but she won't take advantage of any professional cleaning or organizing services. We haven't entertained in 30 years!

Could this be a sign of Alzheimer's? What can I do about her? Please help.-- BURIED ALIVE IN AKRON

DEAR BURIED ALIVE: If your mother has been this way for 30 years, it's not Alzheimer's -- she's a compulsive hoarder. She may need psychological help and/or medication to overcome her anxiety about letting anything go. If you have a social worker who helps with your disability, talk to that person about finding help for your mother. If you don't, talk to her physician. The situation as you describe it indicates the house could be a safety hazard -- possibly a fire trap. Please do not procrastinate any longer because your lives could depend upon it.

DEAR ABBY: Is it odd to eat with one hand in one's lap? I didn't realize that I did it until my fiance's parents mentioned it to me at a dinner. When we subsequently ate with my family, I realized that every person in my family eats the same way.

My future in-laws say they have never heard of such a thing. My grandmother says it is good table manners, and I have no intention of changing.(My fiance and I are both third-generation Americans.)

What do we teach our (future) kids?-- PROPERLY TAUGHT IN ARIZONA

DEAR PROPERLY TAUGHT: Teach them the proper table manners that you were taught as a child. According to Emily Post, by the time a child is 12, he or she should have learned to "sit with good posture and feet firmly on the floor throughout the meal.(And) keep free hand in lap when not cutting food or passing items." (The italics are mine.)

L1- Pam got sick of hearing all the gossip you've been spreading. Let it go.
L2- Call the TV people. Maybe you can make some money off of Mom's hoarding. Look what cable TV did for Kate Goselin.
L3- What else are you supposed to do with the hand that isn't holding your fork? And pray tell, what does being a 3rd generation American have to do with anything?

L1: I just don't get this need some people have to discuss their personal problems and pain with everyone they come into contact with.

L2: Just throw her shit out. But don't tell Tonka.

L3: It is good manners to rest your nonused hand on your lap while dining. It is very, very bad manners to comment on it or correct you. Welcome to his family.

L1:$10 says the LW is the one who brought up the idea of the friend's husband hitting on her. "It's the only explanation I can think of." Only now she's putting it onto others for the blame.

LW1 - First, try to step back and take an objective look at your relationship with Pam. Was your relationship still that close or were you hanging on simply because you had known each other for so many years? Some people refuse to let relationships run their natural courses and don't pick up on subtle hints (not saying that this is the case, but self-examination is always important).

If you can honestly say that this friendship is still worth fighting for, then send Pam one more letter. Tell her that you will respect her request that you leave her alone, but you miss her and her friendship. Tell her that you are confused because you don't know what caused this riff, but you are here if and when she wants to talk. Then follow through with your promise to respect her boundaries.

Also, stop talking about her to your other friends. If the only thing that they can come up with is that one husband hit on another's wife (which BTW is not "infidelity"), then they are a petty, small-minded group. Maybe you should find an on-line message board group to talk to.

LW3 - Third-generation Americans? I found that distincation strange, too.

Your fiance's parents are boors for pointing out your table manners (not even realizing that you are the one who is correct). They probably talk with their mouths full and fling rolls across the table.

lw1: She does ot want to talk to you. You can't make her. Move on.
lw2: Call Hoarders tv show.
lw3: I always understoof ELBOWS on the table to be un-mannerly. So in your family, you wentt he extra mile and kept the arm completely off the table, whereas others may rest their forearm. If this is the biggest concern you have in raising children, you are leading a blessed life.

AngelaMN wrote:

L2: Just throw her shit out. But don't tell Tonka.

Oh hell no. I might be averse to throwing stuff in the trash, but I damn sure don't want it cluttering my house.

Jess in NJ wrote:

LW1 - First, try to step back and take an objective look at your relationship with Pam. Was your relationship still that close or were you hanging on simply because you had known each other for so many years? Some people refuse to let relationships run their natural courses and don't pick up on subtle hints (not saying that this is the case, but self-examination is always important).
If you can honestly say that this friendship is still worth fighting for, then send Pam one more letter. Tell her that you will respect her request that you leave her alone, but you miss her and her friendship. Tell her that you are confused because you don't know what caused this riff, but you are here if and when she wants to talk. Then follow through with your promise to respect her boundaries.
Also, stop talking about her to your other friends. If the only thing that they can come up with is that one husband hit on another's wife (which BTW is not "infidelity"), then they are a petty, small-minded group. Maybe you should find an on-line message board group to talk to.
LW3 - Third-generation Americans? I found that distincation strange, too.
Your fiance's parents are boors for pointing out your table manners (not even realizing that you are the one who is correct). They probably talk with their mouths full and fling rolls across the table.

Jess, I would disagree with you on sending one more letter. The LW has been told forthright to leave her alone. That says it all for me. Anything else is- what do you call it when a dog whines at your feet---?
As far as LW3- Mom's cardinal sin was putting you elbows on the table.

Andie J wrote:

<quoted text>
Jess, I would disagree with you on sending one more letter. The LW has been told forthright to leave her alone. That says it all for me. Anything else is- what do you call it when a dog whines at your feet---?
As far as LW3- Mom's cardinal sin was putting you elbows on the table.

My thinking is - a letter can be opened, set aside for later or thrown in the trash by Pam and the LW will never know, but at least the LW can feel some "closure" (for lack of a better word). If she is really that annoying, one more letter isn't going to make a difference.

I wouldn't recommend that she try to call to talk to her face-to-face at this point.

Anyone watch this week's Hoarders by chance? Family of four--elderly parents and their two able-bodied kids who were 38 and 39 all living in their own filth. And a bizarre mo fo whose house looked like a poor man's Neverland Ranch. Wasn't so much gross as it was weird. Called himself "Sir Patrick".

I think the reference to 3rd generation Americans makes sense because in Europe it is considered rude to keep a hand in one's lap ("what are you doing down there?" is actually the question I was asked when I first moved there). Instead, one lightly rests one's forearm(s) on the edge of the table when not otherwise in use.

So, depending on how recently one's parents and grandparents moved here from there, table manners would be taught differently.

LW1: You need to force her hand by striking up a very close friendship with her husband. Send him some topless photos to jump start the process.

LW2: Retrofit your wheel chair with a heavy duty lift and dump mechanism and throw all her sh1t out.

LW3: One hand in your lap is how I was raised.

Her parents sound like snobs, tho. Good luck with that.

Sublime1 wrote:

LW1: You need to force her hand by striking up a very close friendship with her husband. Send him some topless photos to jump start the process.
LW2: Retrofit your wheel chair with a heavy duty lift and dump mechanism and throw all her sh1t out.

winners!

L3: I have no idea what I do with my free hand when it's not using the knife or reaching for a drink. I'll have to pay attention. I was raised to not put my elbows on the table and to not grip my fork like a dagger.

AngelaMN wrote:

L1: I just don't get this need some people have to discuss their personal problems and pain with everyone they come into contact with.
.

That's cause you have all your imaginary friends here at topix instead.

I wonder of LW has asked her own husband if he knows.

LW1: Leave her alone, she's probably going through a divorce.

LW2: Call Hoarders.(I'm addicted to that show!)

LW3: Wow! Your fiance's parents were really critiquing you! Here's your future!

LW1 - It's only been 2 months, gee whiz. Maybe she's got something going on that she's got to work out herself. And kids can keep one quite busy. Let the lady breathe.

LW2 - Were things tough for her during the great depression? I know of elderly people who saved every last rubber band etc... because nothing should be wasted. Hire a professional organizer.

LW3 - I'll have to pay attention to people as they eat and my own habits, because I've never analyzed peoples hands when they eat. Lot's of luck with these anal people as in laws. Goodness knows what else they are nit picky about.

1 You really dont remember what you did at that BBQ do you? It's on youtube, go check it out.

2 Little late in the game to start complaining aint it?

3 If you hand is otherwise unoccupied, it should be used to firmly hold your beer, so that nobody takes it from you.

RACE wrote:

3 If you hand is otherwise unoccupied, it should be used to firmly hold your beer, so that nobody takes it from you.

LOL!

Life s a Beech wrote:

LW1 - It's only been 2 months, gee whiz. Maybe she's got something going on that she's got to work out herself. And kids can keep one quite busy. Let the lady breathe.

??? Only? 2 months is a long time. Its one thing to be busy for 2 months and lose touch, butthat's not what's happening here. This woman has specifically said "Leave me alone". If this woman did not have some sort of problem with LW and she just had a really busy stretch going on, she would have said something a little more welcoming. "I'm really busy right now." " I don't have time to talk right now".

"Leave me alone" conveys a wholly differnt message.