Ask Amy 11-11-09

edogxxx wrote:

LW1: As a fella who loves pounding back a few beers most nights, it doesn't sound like a glass of wine at dinner is really gonna impair your abilities to watch your grandson. However, are we talking about a glass of wine at dinner or a whole bottle each for you and your husband throughout the night? If it's the former, smile and wave at your daughter as they leave and do as you wish. If it's the latter, I can see your daughter's point.
But if she is not comfortable with you watching grandbaby and leaves you a set of "rules," then maybe she should find someone else. She seems to be forgetting that you and hubby brought HER up just fine, so what is she so worried about?

Maybe the didn't bring her up just "fine" and the daughter knows that. And, don't forget that a lot of grandparents "insist" on babysitting their grandchildren. It might not be so much "free" babysitting as it is the grandparents WANTING to be the babysitters.

My mom would be an amazing grandma. I'm a little sorry that it's not happening for her. It helps that the only thing she ever said about it was that if I had a baby, she'd move here so she wouldn't miss out on having a grandchild.

My mom is more honest than I am, I think, but nicer about it. She'd set good boundaries, but she'd love to babysit and shop!

Mimi Seattle wrote:

<quoted text>
You have a good point about them being ok with it as long as it's not the primary caregiver. I hadn't thought about that. I guess I let my own experience and bias get in the way. Well at least now we have proof that I'm human.

Which leads to another question: why can't grandma and grandpa trade off primary caregiver status per night? One night, grandma has her glass of wine, grandpa doesn't and vice versa.

(I pull out the bottle of wine that I think that my mom and dad would like when they come up to babysit--so I don't really have much more to offer suggestion-wise :P)

Mimi is from earth
But the rest still want to know
Can you prove this true?

Mimi Seattle wrote:

<quoted text>
You have a good point about them being ok with it as long as it's not the primary caregiver. I hadn't thought about that. I guess I let my own experience and bias get in the way. Well at least now we have proof that I'm human.

Mimi Seattle wrote:

<quoted text>
Maybe the didn't bring her up just "fine" and the daughter knows that.

Other posters have brought up that if the daughter didn't really "trust" her parents and had such a bad up-bringing, then she wouldn't be leaving her child with them at all.

Mimi Seattle wrote:

It might not be so much "free" babysitting as it is the grandparents WANTING to be the babysitters.

That may be very true BUT, couldn't the daughter say "no" and find someone else? Instead, she's saying "go ahead and watch the kid to save me money HOWEVER, you have to follow THESE rules! As I've said, if the parents truly do have a drinking problem then I'm sure daughter and hubby would make other arrangements. Instead, this NEW mom... new HELICOPTER mom... is dictating her parent's behavior.

Mimi Seattle wrote:

<quoted text>
LOL Yeah. You just reminded me about an incident with my son when he was 10/11. I can't remember how stuff happened or what it was about, but I remember him threatening me not to hit him The ironic part of that is that I've spanked him a grand total of three or four times in his life, when he was younger than that, and not more than a couple swats at that. He told me that if I hit him he would call CPS and report me for child abuse. I told him to go ahead and call because by the time they arrived, there would be a reason for them to have come. He never threatened me like that again.

I had an aunt who was sitting at home one day when the bell rang. It was the cops. They had recieved a call about some child abuse going on. She was puzzled. Called her teen daughter out from her room. Asked her about it. Turned out, duaghter was mad cause she was not allowed to go to some party or some such thing. Called cops cause she was mad. Cops decided to leave once they saw there was no real disturbance. Aunt told them not to go too far, cause there was about to be one.

Mimi Seattle wrote:

<quoted text>
When my son was in school and they were doing DARE, I opted out for him and refused to let him participate because even though this was before they realized how useless it was, I recognized how dangerous it was. In first grade he came home and informed me that his father and I were drug addicts because I smoked and his father took (prescription) pain pills on a daily basis for an injury (from a car wreck) which causes severe, chronic pain.

next thing you know, they'll have the kids calling the brownshirts.

Uncle_Joe wrote:

<quoted text>
If you don't register, the threads you've commented on are stored in the browser's cookies. So if you go to a different computer or clear the browser, you lose track of your threads.
If you register, you'll see your thread responses wherever you are.

I appreciate it....I'm fine, really. I can't think of another computer I'd use. Like I said, my job has these blocked and I never have time.

CrazyMaddy wrote:

LW1 Some great comments here. I don't how know many glasses of wine they drink. Are they half filled wine glasses or 8 oz tumblers? I know that one glass of wine has me walking into walls, so I assume 2 or 3 glasses would affect them in some way. If they choose to baby-sit, they should honor their daughters rules.
LW2 I remember my 16th birthday. I had a pizza party at the local bowling alley. I would have been mortified if my aunt shown up. These clods need to dial it down a notch and send a gracious thank you note.

OK, gotta slow down and read better... somehow I saw that you had a pizza and beer party for your 16th... not even sure how I got that since you're talking about wine glass size before that!

edogxxx wrote:

<quoted text>
Other posters have brought up that if the daughter didn't really "trust" her parents and had such a bad up-bringing, then she wouldn't be leaving her child with them at all.
<quoted text>
That may be very true BUT, couldn't the daughter say "no" and find someone else? Instead, she's saying "go ahead and watch the kid to save me money HOWEVER, you have to follow THESE rules! As I've said, if the parents truly do have a drinking problem then I'm sure daughter and hubby would make other arrangements. Instead, this NEW mom... new HELICOPTER mom... is dictating her parent's behavior.

I agree. And I'm sure, as always, there's a lot more to the story than what we've heard.

RACE wrote:

Mimi is from earth
But the rest still want to know
Can you prove this true?
<quoted text>

Birth cert in my hand
Says "State Of California"
Nineteen...nevermind

I Like Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>next thing you know, they'll have the kids calling the brownshirts.

<nodding> I know huh?

mbo wrote:

For LW1, I'm wondering what other rules are on the list. Thats pretty ballsy, giving a rules list to your parents for free babysitting.

Sorry, you're wrong. If a parent feels that certain aspects of their child's care is important, they need to be followed. This is really one of those times when the only response the grandparent can make is "yes, I'll follow your rules for caring for your child" or just say they can't babysit. That's it. Yes, by all means, discuss the rules and the reasons for any you either don't understand or disagree with. If after careful thought, you feel the rules are too onerous, then decline to babysit. It's as simple as that. The parents will then have to find someone else to baby sit for free or pay a babysitter who will follow those rules or they'll have to stay home.

I babysit for my grandkids and as far as I'm concerned, any rules their parents have are for the children's welfare. My daughter does tell her kids that when I'm watching them, it's "Grammie's rules." But I still try to keep to their usual rules and schedules that they would normally have.

Of course we don't know what the other rules are, but the one about alcohol is important. If a person can't give up alcohol for a week, that person has a problem. It's not at all unusual to have to give up things we like for some important reason - often health related. We may grumble a bit, but most of us follow doctor's orders. The fact that this lw is concerned about giving up her evening wine tells me that her daughter knows her very well and was right to put the no-alcohol item on her list. She's seen how her parents are when they've had a drink or two or three and she doesn't want them in that condition while caring for her child.

L2 If it were the young lady's Quinceanera or Bat Mitzvah I am confident the aunt would have made every effort to attend her neice's coming of age celebration.
Sweet 16 just does cut the mustard for this journey.

Yeah, doesn't cut it.

I can't see
:)

loose cannon wrote:

L2 If it were the young lady's Quinceanera or Bat Mitzvah I am confident the aunt would have made every effort to attend her neice's coming of age celebration.
Sweet 16 just does cut the mustard for this journey.

Why would you say Quinceanera does cut the mustard, but Sweet 16 doesn't? Yeah, they are 2 differnt ages, but aren't they really prety much the same thing, just differnt cultures? I don't know of any non-hispanics who celebrate a Quinceanera and likewise, I don't know of any hispanics who celebrate a Sweet 16.

edogxxx wrote:

<quoted text>
Other posters have brought up that if the daughter didn't really "trust" her parents and had such a bad up-bringing, then she wouldn't be leaving her child with them at all.
<quoted text>
That may be very true BUT, couldn't the daughter say "no" and find someone else? Instead, she's saying "go ahead and watch the kid to save me money HOWEVER, you have to follow THESE rules! As I've said, if the parents truly do have a drinking problem then I'm sure daughter and hubby would make other arrangements. Instead, this NEW mom... new HELICOPTER mom... is dictating her parent's behavior.

I have similar rules for when my in-laws watch the boys, but I have also stopped letting them stay overnight because I'm saving my free, inconvenient babysitting for when I really need it.

Who else is the daughter going to find that will watch her kid for 5 days for free?

I think that if the grandparents watching the kid for that long has caused a big enough problem that grandma wrote in to Amy, the daughter needs to re-think this trip. It's all about being a responsible parent.

Both the LW and her daughter seem pretty selfish to me.

Because I love mustard, Tonka. Horseradish is to die for.
Do you like mayonaise, or Miracle Whip salad dressing on you samiches?
____

I was just making an astute observation that was otherwise overlooked.
Sixteen just doesn't seem to have much significance in contemporary American culture, that's all.
Of course 16 is a major milestone for the new driver, but I don't know,...
I was just otherwise browsing
Have a nice day

I Like Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>
Why would you say Quinceanera does cut the mustard, but Sweet 16 doesn't? Yeah, they are 2 differnt ages, but aren't they really prety much the same thing, just differnt cultures? I don't know of any non-hispanics who celebrate a Quinceanera and likewise, I don't know of any hispanics who celebrate a Sweet 16.

I'm east coast hispanic, and the new trend is having your "Quinceanera" when you're 16. I had mine when I was 16. Same type of party, but we just don't call it a Quinceanera. Most parents feel like 15 is still a girl.

That is very interesting, Bee. I was unaware about that new trend. But then again, I'm in the dark ages about a lot of things, as I'm sure Tonka will atest.
The point I was making is that the Quinceanera is steeped in tradition that dates back nearly 3,ooo years to the Maya. The Bat Mitzvah probably also has ancient roots.
Sweet Sixteen sounds to me like another holiday invented by Hallmark. Maybe Henry Ford even. Much like Sweetest Day in a sense that it is not mandatory.
But hey, whatever floats your boat.