Ask Amy 11-11-09

Dear Amy: My husband and I adore our grandson, who is a toddler. We watch him at our house overnight two times a month while his parents attend art classes.

Now that he is getting older, my daughter would like to start leaving him for longer stays — the most recent request is three nights/five days so they can attend a class out of state.

When our grandson was born, his parents created a list of rules regarding his care. I understood why they would want to do this.

One of the rules is that there is zero tolerance for drinking any alcohol by the primary caregiver (me).

My husband and I enjoy drinking wine every night. When my daughter and her brother were growing up, her dad and I always had wine with our meals.

I don't mind giving up wine on an occasional evening, but as they start to ask us to care for our grandson for longer periods, I'm wondering if the no-tolerance rule is still an appropriate expectation.

We are responsible drinkers who enjoy wine. But are we pitting the safety of our grandson against our wine consumption? Are we being selfish, and could we possibly be accused of having a drinking problem by making an issue of this with our daughter and son-in-law?

Is responsibly drinking wine in one's home mutually exclusive to being able to responsibly care for a child?— WL

Dear WL: I support the "zero tolerance" policy of these parents. Even one glass of wine can affect your response time and sleep habits.

Speak with your daughter, and go over her list of expectations. You should ask her to negotiate a solution — the most obvious being that you and your husband trade off who is the primary caregiver in the evenings. This person will enjoy a glass of apple juice with dinner.

If you are afraid your daughter will bring up your drinking, then you do have a problem. At the very least, your drinking is causing a problem with her, and you should be brave enough to address it.

Dear Amy: My niece celebrated her daughter's 16th birthday with a large and extravagant party. I live 270 miles away and explained to my niece that I couldn't make the trip. She curtly responded, "My daughter will be 16 only once."

I reminded her that I attend milestone celebrations for my three nieces, their husbands and seven children. I sent her daughter a card and the most generous gift check I could afford.

My niece has refused to speak to me for the six months since the party, and does not respond to messages.

There has been no acknowledgment of the gift — but then there never is.

I live on very little. I love my nieces very much. I am their only aunt and have been very close to them all their lives.

Am I missing something? Is a 16th birthday now considered a major life event? Was my absence a serious affront?— Sylvia

Dear Sylvia: At the risk of raising the stakes, I think that not only should your absence be forgiven graciously and your gift acknowledged, but also your niece and grandniece should do something generous and thoughtful for you.

A 16th birthday is important — but it's not a coronation. Teenagers — even little princesses — can be made to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them, even on special days, but they will never develop these values without their parents showing the way.

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LW1--Your daughter is within her rights. So are you. So you must decide which is most important to you for that week--being allowed to keep your grandson, or being free to drink.

LW2--Your niece is a bitch, and owes you a huge apology. And I might add, so's the birthday girl for not thanking you for your generous check.

L1--Agree with Daria. I think it is kind of ballsy of the daughter, though. Obviously, we're only getting one side of the story, but it seems like they're responsible drinkers and the daughter knows this. Personally, if I had child care like that--caring relatives willing to take on a toddler for days at a time--I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

L2--Like, OMG!

I'm going to be 32 in a few weeks. That's sixteen times two. Does that mean I get to be double the bitch of the LW's great niece?

Matilda77 wrote:

L1--Agree with Daria. I think it is kind of ballsy of the daughter, though. Obviously, we're only getting one side of the story, but it seems like they're responsible drinkers and the daughter knows this. Personally, if I had child care like that--caring relatives willing to take on a toddler for days at a time--I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Good point. And if the daughter knows that they are NOT responsible drinkers, she has no business leaving her kid with them at all.

1: When "enjoying a glass of wine at night" seems to be the highlight of your evening, perhaps babysitting shouldn't be your primary concern.
We have 6 grandchildren and believe me, when any of them are over, a glass of wine is the last thing we have time for.....until the last one goes home!

Lw1: I can't believe it!

LW2: What is this world coming to?

LW3: Oh...My...Gosh...

LW1-I have to side with the toddler's mom on this one. One-half glass of wine and I'm out like a light. If I was lucky enough to have grandchildren, I sure wouldn't rock the boat over a drink.
LW2-Is there a local children's home or homeless shelter in your town? Send your money to them instead of the ungrateful witches you've been wasting your money on all these years. St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital could also use the money you're throwing away on your relatives.

LW1 - My first thought was that the daughter is a controlling wench who ought to be grateful she has parents who are willing to help her out. But then it occurred to me that if the LW was such a responsible drinker, 3 nights without wine wouldn't be such a big deal. It certainly wouldn't be enough for normal person to feel compelled to write to a syndicated advice columnist.

I think that the daughter should reconsider going on this vacation right now. Being a parent means making sacrifices and now is her turn.

And can someone please explain to me how the LW can watch her grandson for 5 days/3 nights?

liner wrote:

1: When "enjoying a glass of wine at night" seems to be the highlight of your evening, perhaps babysitting shouldn't be your primary concern.
We have 6 grandchildren and believe me, when any of them are over, a glass of wine is the last thing we have time for.....until the last one goes home!

I'd be on board with you if these weren't overnight visits. Kid goes to bed at what, 7 or 8 at night? Plenty of time after that to relax on the couch with a glass of wine.

LW2 - Once a child reaches 16 and doesn't send a thank you note (or a thank you call), there is no reason to continue to send him/her gifts. Your niece is a lost cause. Limit your contact to holiday/birthday cards and be glad that you don't live closer where you would have to deal with their immature behavior face to face.

L1: Communicate with your daughter. It was a request for babysitting, not a demand. That child is the parent's responsibility. If you don't want to, just say no.

L2: Seems like the mother of the 16 year old and the birthday girl are both brats.

L3: Dog -- there was no letter three but I love that you had a response anyways.

Terri at home wrote:

L1: Communicate with your daughter. It was a request for babysitting, not a demand. That child is the parent's responsibility. If you don't want to, just say no.
L2: Seems like the mother of the 16 year old and the birthday girl are both brats.
L3: Dog -- there was no letter three but I love that you had a response anyways.

Are we supposed to read the letters?

Jess in NJ wrote:

LW2 - Once a child reaches 16 and doesn't send a thank you note (or a thank you call), there is no reason to continue to send him/her gifts. Your niece is a lost cause. Limit your contact to holiday/birthday cards and be glad that you don't live closer where you would have to deal with their immature behavior face to face.

That's why I no longer give my nieces & nephews gifts. I have never gotten a thank-you from any of them, even in person. And there are 10 of them. You'd think at least 1 of their parents would have taught them how to say thanks.
The LW is not out of line by not attending a 16th b-day party. Like Amy said, it's not a coronation. The b-day girl is her niece's daughter, for cryin out loud. She's not an immediate relative. And, the last place my niece's kids would want to see me is their 16th b-day party. They'd be too busy necking with the cutest kid in the room to pay any attention to relatives.

L1- Say no to babysitting. Or put the bottle down. Simple solutions. Her kid, her rules. Asking Amy is ridiculous.

LW1 - Really? You can't give up wine for a couple of days to respect your daughter's wishes? Suck it up and be respectful, or just say that you can't give up wine for your grandchild - I'm sure your daughter will understand.

LW2 - Why the frick should the grandniece have to do something especially thoughtful? She's not the one being a bitch. She probably doesn't even care about whether her great-aunt shows up or not.

To the niece: Get the frick over it.
To the Great-niece: Learn to say thank you.

Jess in NJ wrote:

LW1 - My first thought was that the daughter is a controlling wench who ought to be grateful she has parents who are willing to help her out. But then it occurred to me that if the LW was such a responsible drinker, 3 nights without wine wouldn't be such a big deal. It certainly wouldn't be enough for normal person to feel compelled to write to a syndicated advice columnist.
I think that the daughter should reconsider going on this vacation right now. Being a parent means making sacrifices and now is her turn.
And can someone please explain to me how the LW can watch her grandson for 5 days/3 nights?

ITA, and I was having trouble with the math too.

Amy, did you really say that the non-primary caregiver will enjoy apple juice with dinner? Really? Did you?

For LW1, I'm wondering what other rules are on the list. Thats pretty ballsy, giving a rules list to your parents for free babysitting.

j_m_w wrote:

<quoted text>
ITA, and I was having trouble with the math too.
Amy, did you really say that the non-primary caregiver will enjoy apple juice with dinner? Really? Did you?

Bo she said primary- I went back and looked.

But I have to agree with her..shocking isn't it...if you can't give up a glass of wine for a few days then yes there is a problem and that's why LW1 said what she did...'cause she knows there is and so does the daughter....perhaps they don't get drunk every night but how many of you ever told your parents they can't drink when they have your child unless it was a big concern..My parents helped out a lot though not over night but once..I never even thought about a no alcohol rule as alcohol was not an issue with my parents but they weren't allowed to smoke around my kids when they were still smokers...it was bad enough that they smoked around my sister and me.

LW1: If you can't put the booze down for a few days, you have a problem.

LW2: Ugh, I would cancel the check.