Amy 2-8

Dear Amy: Seven years ago I married a widowed man who has three children (all married), nine grandchildren and a great-granddaughter. They all live in another state.

I've made it a point to recognize them on their birthdays (or have asked my husband to help with the recognition). When we were first married, I sent substantial cash gifts for birthdays and anniversaries. This stopped after a few years when the children didn't recognize our anniversary.

The birthday gifts were replaced by only cards one year, last year were gifts again, and now this year I'm only sending cards.

My birthday is one day after his eldest son's birthday. My birthday goes unrecognized by my husband's children and grandchildren. My husband refuses to support my requests to have my birthday recognized.

Last year I sent monthly postcards to the grandchildren (from both of us) and on the month of my birthday I wrote on the postcard, "I have a birthday this month!" Still nothing.

My husband says, "Don't let it bother you," but it does. Any suggestions for handling this?

— Upset

Dear Upset: Like you, I think birthdays are important because when people remember your birthday they are basically saying, "I'm glad you were born."

But you know what? Your husband's family members don't seem to feel that way. Either that, or they are explicitly sending you a negative message.

Your status here will not change as long as your husband doesn't back you up (it might not change even if he does back you up).

Anything you send should not be for the purpose of reciprocation, but because it is what you want to do.

Keep in touch if you want (I love the idea of monthly postcards to the grandkids) but don't have this contact be from you and your husband — only from you. And stop if it feels so unbalanced that you feel foolish.

Dear Amy: I have had my ups and downs with my weight for most of my life.

I've been invited to a retirement party for a colleague and I will be seeing a group of people who last saw me when I was slim and looking good. I am embarrassed and part of me would rather not go, but I need to somehow summon the courage and walk in confidently.

I realize it's not about me, but I'm looking for some confidence.

— Embarrassed, Overweight Woman

Dear Embarrassed: I think many of us have experienced something akin to this (the male version might be coping with hair loss).

And wouldn't it be great if you could shed the part of you that would rather not go to this event and leave it home sitting on the couch watching reruns — while the rest of you (the slim version) kicks up your heels?

Your friends will notice your weight gain but, more important, they will connect with your personality.

Do something special for yourself (hair and nails come to mind) in order to feel as awesome as possible. Fake your confidence if you need to (sometimes I pretend I'm Paula Deen; this might work for you) and own it.

You are there to celebrate someone else's career, and it is kind of you to muster up the confidence to do so. Renewing these connections could reap you untold benefits.

Dear Amy: The issue of how to celebrate birthdays at the office made me remember my first job.

I worked as an artist at a greeting card company in Anaheim, Calif. There were 50 artists there at the time. They had a great way of celebrating birthdays. They would bring their own treats to share that day.

One man brought homemade trifle with his own birthday candles to put in it. Others baked something or stopped by the bakery on the way in to work.(I am sure that others just let the day go by unannounced.)

It was always fun and always exactly what the birthday person wanted. I always thought they were so clever to come up with such a great idea.

— Karen

Dear Karen: I'm picturing the workers at a greeting card company coming up with clever ways to celebrate their birthdays. And it's making me smile.

Does LW1's husband remember her birthday? If so, why not enjoy it with him?

LW2's friends probably don't care and may have gained weight themselves.

L1: Face it, you're step-mom/step-grandmother and your husband's family is sending you a very consistent message, "you're not one of us". Lick your wounds, stop sending the cards and gifts, and move on. My bet is that the husband's ex was quite loved and she will never measure up.

L2: Buy a dress that you can barely squeeze into and that flaunts what you have! To h#ll with anyone that is shallow!

L3: At my former office we used to throat-punch lazy people who'd run endless rehashes like Amy.

L1: I know that a lot of people feel like anniversaries are something that only the couple needs to celebrate or acknowledge, and they don't understand why someone's adult children would get a card, send a gift, etc. I don't care either way, but I've seen that sentiment many, many times here and elsewhere.

I think LW1 is trying way too hard and needs to learn to let go. Her stepkids don't see her as a stepmother -- she had no hand in raising them at all -- they see her as dad's wife. Big difference.

I think Amy gave good general advice here. I don't think the LW will heed it, though.

L2: Your weight is not who you are. I wish more people would realize that. I'm sorry that your weight embarrasses you, but please realize that no one cares about your weight as much as YOU do, they just will be happy to see you, period! Go and have fun! You'll have a good time!

L3: I like this idea a lot, and others have described similar policies in their workplace.

1 You married him too late in life. Your his wife, not their stepmom. Throw yourself a party

2 Nobody cares, I sure dont.

3 Grrrrrrr!!

What Ang said on all three.

I don't give a chit about anyone else's anniversary and I don't think anyone but my MIL remembers mine.

LW1: "Anything you send should not be for the purpose of reciprocation, but because it is what you want to do."

I think its odd that SHE was sending gifts to them. Don't most parents send gifts from THEM? And this nonsense about not recognizing their anniversary. Many people feel that is for a couple to celebrate and recognize together, not something to be recognized by others.

Question: do they send anything for their father's birthday?

You sound like a pain in the ass attention wh-o-r-e.

LW2: Hey, chubs, you probably got some nice cleavage now. Use it.

"sometimes I pretend I'm Paula Deen"
hahahahahaha why the f would anyone pretend that?!?

LW3: "It was always fun and always exactly what the birthday person wanted." Right. I'm sure everyone who wants a celebration for their birthday wants to throw their own birthday party.

My comment about the stepmom not being a stepmom, but dad's wife, is from something Tonka said a while ago and it makes sense. If she'd married the dad when the kids were young and still in the house, that's one thing. But she's trying to have a stepmom-type relationship with the kids, grandkids (and if there's a greatgrandkid, the kids probably are 40-50 years old and the grandkids are young adults),e tc., and that's just not the role that fits the situation.

LW1: Why are you so desperate to have all these people acknowledge your birthday? I couldn't care less about such things. Grow up.

LW2: I wouldn’t care so much what other people think of you … especially a bunch of people who you hardly ever see. Getting worked up about it makes about as much sense as caring about what a stranger thinks of you at the grocery store.

LW3: Whatever, but I don’t think stopping at a bakery or baking something is clever. If that suffices for cleverness, the cards must have sucked.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

My comment about the stepmom not being a stepmom, but dad's wife, is from something Tonka said a while ago and it makes sense. If she'd married the dad when the kids were young and still in the house, that's one thing. But she's trying to have a stepmom-type relationship with the kids, grandkids (and if there's a greatgrandkid, the kids probably are 40-50 years old and the grandkids are young adults),e tc., and that's just not the role that fits the situation.

That, and a particular line from the letter itself "My husband refuses to support my requests to have my birthday recognized." makes me wonder if the family has far different expectations about birthdays than the new wife does.

My husband's family has rather different expectations about birthdays than my family does. That is why HE deals with them and their birthdays.

L1 seems like one of those people that seems to foist herself on others. I can't stand people like that. If she'd play it cool and not act like a 10 year old about her birthday, they might actually give a chit.

Sublime1 wrote:

LW1: Why are you so desperate to have all these people acknowledge your birthday? I couldn't care less about such things. Grow up.

Exactly. What kind of person sends a postcard telling people it's gonna be their birthday? This woman is a PITA, but it's not necessarily even a reflection of their opinion of her if they don't celebrate her birthday.

Saluki Rod wrote:

L1: Face it, you're step-mom/step-grandmother and your husband's family is sending you a very consistent message, "you're not one of us". Lick your wounds, stop sending the cards and gifts, and move on. My bet is that the husband's ex was quite loved and she will never measure up.

What "Ex"? She wasn't an ex, she's DEAD!

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

My comment about the stepmom not being a stepmom, but dad's wife, is from something Tonka said a while ago and it makes sense. If she'd married the dad when the kids were young and still in the house, that's one thing. But she's trying to have a stepmom-type relationship with the kids, grandkids (and if there's a greatgrandkid, the kids probably are 40-50 years old and the grandkids are young adults),e tc., and that's just not the role that fits the situation.

Right. And what I said was pretty much based on things I've been told by several friends of divorced parents. Not a single one considers the new spouse a step parent.

VAdame wrote:

<quoted text>What "Ex"? She wasn't an ex, she's DEAD!

Ex, dead, whatever. Outta the picture either way..

1- So his adult children have their own lives and aren't very concerned about your birthday. Get over yourself.

My mother's husband is like this. He gets upset (and takes it out on my mother) if we don't call and wish him a happy birthday. My mother will even call to remind me the day before. Sometimes I still forget anyway, though...

2- If you're so self-concious about your weight, go on a flippin diet.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

I think LW1 is trying way too hard and needs to learn to let go. Her stepkids don't see her as a stepmother -- she had no hand in raising them at all -- they see her as dad's wife. Big difference.
I think Amy gave good general advice here. I don't think the LW will heed it, though.

Totally agree.

1: You guys pretty much nailed it. Saved me a lot of typing.:)

2: Ditto.

('.')

edogxxx wrote:

My mother's husband is like this.

Edog with the real life example for $20!

The LW wants to be considered a step-mom when all the kids see her as their dad's wife.

LW1: LW needs to chill on this birthday/anniversary cr@p. I suspect if she didn't push so hard, they kids would be more open to her attempts at family bonding.

LW2: Go find yourself a sexy wrap dress and a *good* bra.

You're judging yourself way harder than any of these colleagues.

LW3: Roses are red but can also be pink
These rehashes, Amy, are starting to stink