Amy 2-6

Dear Amy: I have a 4-year-old son. His mother and I have lived apart for the last 18 months. He spends time equally between the two of us.

For the past few months, he has demonstrated a strong preference for me over his mother. For example, at times when I drop him off at their home he throws a huge fit, wanting to come home with me. He has also begun saying that he doesn't love his mom — he only loves Dad.

He has even thrown a fit when she picks him up from day care, saying he wants Dad to pick him up or that he wants to go to Daddy's house.

I have tried talking to him but it's not easy to explain that he can love both Mom and Dad when he's so young. I never speak ill of her to him and I even tell him how much Mommy loves him but his response is always, "I love Dad."

I don't think I am doing anything to promote his behavior. Any ideas on what would cause him to act/think this way — or how I can alter it?

I know it's upsetting for his mom to hear this and I hoped maybe it was just a phase, but it seems that it's progressing.

— Concerned Dad

Dear Dad: Let's stipulate that there are no serious issues in the mother's home.

If that is true, then I would say that yes, you might be unwittingly promoting this behavior when you respond to a tantrum by talking with him about whom he loves.

It's possible that this is not about his mom. He might be working extra hard to ingratiate himself to you because he's afraid you'll drift away. He needs to know that you are always going to be right where he left you. Reassure him.

The way to help him make transitions is to give him the most stable, predictable and calm environment and to encourage him to try to behave appropriately.

You and his mother should develop a strategy for dealing with this consistently. Make sure there isn't anything going on at her house to make him anxious.

When he freaks out, calmly comfort and reassure him. Say, "Buddy, you're going to be fine. I've got to go but I'll see you tomorrow. Let's go over here and say a nice hello to Mommy and I'll see you later."

Dear Amy: I have a son in his mid-30s who was conceived through in vitro fertilization because I was unable to have any more children when his mom and I decided to start a family.

The sperm was provided by an anonymous donor. We chose to keep that secret from my son for obvious reasons.

Now, 30 years later, my now ex-wife decided, in a fit of anger against me, to tell him that I wasn't his "real" father (she is jealous of how close he and I are). Someone who witnessed this conversation told me about it. My ex did not elaborate or supply him with any details.

He has yet to confront me. How am I supposed to respond if he asks? Should I bring it up if he acts odd or indifferent toward me? Looking back, were we wrong to keep this information from him?

— Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: You should stop acting ashamed of yourself and tell your son the whole truth. Aside from keeping this a secret for so long, you have done nothing wrong. You are his "real" father, no matter what the biological issue.

More than 3 million babies have been born through IVF since the 1970s. Your son is in very good company.

Dear Amy: I share the "Office Grouch's" feelings toward birthdays being celebrated at work.

Birthdays are important when we are kids and then occasionally after that, but not everybody celebrates aging and I don't like to be asked to contribute money toward a celebration for someone I might not even know.

I'm glad you weren't mean to this poor grouch when he confessed how much he hates these celebrations.

— Happy Reader

Dear Reader: The real "celebration" these office birthdays offer is an occasional break from work!

LW1 and his preschool son need counseling. If it's
best for him to increase the time the boy is with him, that needs to be addressed.

LW2 has raised this man and been there for him. That is what really matters.

L2. Yep. Here we go with the whole ick factor again.
If money were taken out of the equation, there would be no altruistic doctors who perform these highly controversial procedures.

L1: My bf's youngest hurt himself or got upset, he would cry for his mom when he was at his dad's house, but he'd cry for his dad when he was at his mom's house. But it went both ways. Maybe mom isn't as fun as dad's house? Maybe mom isn't really that great of a parent and is negative or something, and the kid is responding to that. Four is so young, though, you can't easily question a kid.

L2: "We chose to keep that secret from my son for obvious reasons." What obvious reasons? You mean a fear and inability to handle the truth and honesty with your CHILD? NO WONDER you can't bring this up with your son and deal with it. How close are you? Not as close as you think you are, apparently.

L3: Sometimes, adults can be downright immature when it comes to accepting that other adults DO enjoy birthdays.

1- Maybe his mom showers with him and that's got him upset?

2- he's a grown man, for cryin out loud, he should be able to handle the fact his father was a syringe, his mother was a beaker, and he was conceived in a petri dish.

boundary painter wrote:

LW1 and his preschool son need counseling. If it's
best for him to increase the time the boy is with him, that needs to be addressed.

I don't think it's even that concerning. Most kids, somewhere around ages 4-5, go through a period of strong identity with their same-sex parent. It may be more obvious he's going through it because the mom and dad are separated, but it happens even a non-divorced household.

I think kids constantly go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other. And I agree with Amy here: "you might be unwittingly promoting this behavior when you respond to a tantrum by talking with him about whom he loves."

And what Red said for L2.

@pde post #6: You don't think an appointment with a
counselor or minister might be a good (or at least harmless) idea?

pde wrote:

<quoted text>
I don't think it's even that concerning. Most kids, somewhere around ages 4-5, go through a period of strong identity with their same-sex parent. It may be more obvious he's going through it because the mom and dad are separated, but it happens even a non-divorced household.

Exactly. It's a normal gender identity thing. LW needs to just relax, it will pass.

boundary painter wrote:

@pde post #6: You don't think an appointment with a
counselor or minister might be a good (or at least harmless) idea?

I think that if the counselor or minister isn't specifically trained in childhood developmental psychology, there's a fair chance of it not being harmless.

Small town lives in fear. Topix mods needed urgently in the Greeneville Tn forums. Man committed suicide after months of un-modded topix harassment. Please help us by reporting abuse in greeneville tn forums. 90% of threads are posted exclusively for tearing individual residents to shreads. Nothing is being done about it. Please help us to clean up our forum. Thank you......

L1: does anyone get married anymore? The letters about baby daddies get on my nerves.

L2: does anybody stay married anymore? These letters about exes get on my nerves.

L3: does Amy ever answer 3 new letters anymore? These 2 and a rehash formula days get on my nerves.

LW1: I don’t think that’s terribly abnormal at that age. I think each my kids went through phases like that.

LW2: I agree with Amy

Stop the Bullying wrote:

Small town lives in fear. Topix mods needed urgently in the Greeneville Tn forums. Man committed suicide after months of un-modded topix harassment. Please help us by reporting abuse in greeneville tn forums. 90% of threads are posted exclusively for tearing individual residents to shreads. Nothing is being done about it. Please help us to clean up our forum. Thank you......

Boohoo, I'm being picked on in an anonymous forum, call the whambulance. We must censor speech!

loose cannon wrote:

L2. Yep. Here we go with the whole ick factor again.
If money were taken out of the equation, there would be no altruistic doctors who perform these highly controversial procedures.

What's your point?

The only reason I go to work in the morning is for profit.

If money were taken out of the equation, you wouldn't do your job either.

edogxxx wrote:

<quoted text>
Boohoo, I'm being picked on in an anonymous forum, call the whambulance. We must censor speech!

My name has never been posted there. Thank you for doing your part to help stop people from being victimized online.

Sublime1 wrote:

<quoted text>
What's your point?
The only reason I go to work in the morning is for profit.
If money were taken out of the equation, you wouldn't do your job either.

And there are organizations and fertility clinics that work with those of lesser means/lesser insurance. Not exclusively, but most medical organizations which do charity or subsidized treatments work across the scale too.

pde wrote:

<quoted text>
And there are organizations and fertility clinics that work with those of lesser means/lesser insurance. Not exclusively, but most medical organizations which do charity or subsidized treatments work across the scale too.

Good point.

1 Giants

2 Won

3 Superbowl

Is there really anything more important going on?

Stop the Bullying wrote:

<quoted text>
My name has never been posted there. Thank you for doing your part to help stop people from being victimized online.

Heyfuckface, why don't ya blow me!?