Amy 9-10-10

Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship with a woman for two years. I love her. She says she loves me. She says she wants to marry me and be together forever.

In the beginning, she needed to see me every other day, if not more often. All of our phone calls were long and rich with conversation.

Over the last several months, she has cheated on me numerous times with an ex-boyfriend, although she says she doesn't like it, didn't plan it and doesn't love him.

Lately all phone calls happen while she is watching television or reading. They are very empty.

She has turned down all of my offers to get together.

When I express my feelings of confusion or when I tell her I miss her, she makes me feel I'm out of line. She is hostile.

How can I get her to open up to me again without seeming needy and insecure?

I believe the ex may be back in the picture, but I don't know if this is the reason for the distance.

She is also bipolar.

How can I bring the love of my life back into my arms again?

— Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Devoted: You already know the truth. Your girlfriend has lost interest in you.

Whether she is cheating on you again or is going through a depressed cycle of her bipolar disorder, you cannot force her to love you, want to be with you or even have an honest conversation with you about your relationship.

I suggest, therefore, that you be completely honest with yourself and frank with her about your own needs.

You want honesty, fidelity and a close, romantic relationship. So say so. You won't come off as needy, but as a guy who knows who he is and what he wants.

You also have to be willing to walk away from a relationship that is so imbalanced. You deserve better.

Dear Amy: I am hosting a surprise birthday lunch for my mom at a nice restaurant. I invited six friends of hers. One of them is "Jane," whom I barely know.

I mailed out invitations, and two days later I got a call from her, saying, "You don't care if I bring my granddaughter, do you?"

I was floored. I tried to explain that I just wanted a small group of my mother's friends.

Her response was, "Well, my granddaughter knows everyone, so it won't be a problem." I then explained that I could only afford to pay for so many. Her response was, "Oh, we'll pay for her, so that's no problem."

She had to know I didn't want this teenager coming, but she pushed it.

I am livid and won't be able to enjoy the lunch.

Am I wrong to think that when you invite people to something, they should know it means just them?

How should you handle pushy/clueless people?

— Distressed Hostess

Dear Distressed: "Jane" isn't clueless. She's pushy.

When dealing with pushy people, hints don't work.

You supplied Jane with all sorts of excuses and mutable-sounding reasons her granddaughter wasn't welcome at this shindig, which she could easily bulldoze over.

All you have to say is, "No kids are included, so that's not going to work."

When Jane responds with her standard reply, "That won't be a problem," you have to say very firmly, "Actually, that would be a problem. Let me know if you'll be able to make it. If you can't, Mom will really miss you, but I'm sure she'll understand."

Dear Amy: In a recent response to "Jimmy" you compared being with someone who is on a cell phone to being with someone who is reading a paperback book while you're trying to converse.

Perhaps you've inadvertently suggested a solution to this problem. The next time a companion pulls out a cell phone, pull out a book and start reading.

When the person is finished with her phone, let her watch you read for a while.

— Tired of Texting

Dear Tired: Pulling out a newspaper (helpfully opened to this column) or your own cell phone might also get the message across that people who do this are being bad company.

L1- It's over, dude. Stop whining & get on with your life. And she might be off her meds.
L2- You're a pushover. Jane is a bulldozer. 2x4s work well with this type of person. BTW, can I come to this lunch? I know you won't refuse me.
L3- Nice plug, Amy.

L1: Do yourself a favor and stop calling her. Next time you meet a nice woman, don't immerse yourself in each other. It usually doesn't bode well for the long run.

L2: Call her back and tell her, this is adults only, no grandchildren. Don't take no for an answer.

And learn to be a GD adult, will you? People like you really piss me off when you whine about how you let others push you around.

L3: I actually like this idea. But not with AMY'S book.

AngelaMN wrote:

L3: I actually like this idea. But not with AMY'S book.

I'm going downtown with my sister tomorrow. I'm sure she'll be glued to her cell phone on the train. I picked out a book to bring with.

LW1: She cheated on you. Multiple times. She is cold and distant. She does not want to spend time with you. She is hostile toward you. Are you a masochist? DTB.

LW2: I'm with you in that she should not have pushed her grand-daughter in. But come on. She's gonna pay for her. What is ther eo be livid about? Why won't you be able to enjoy yourself? YOu're wound a little too tight for this to be such a big problem.

Mister Tonka wrote:

LW1: She cheated on you. Multiple times. She is cold and distant. She does not want to spend time with you. She is hostile toward you. Are you a masochist? DTB.
LW2: I'm with you in that she should not have pushed her grand-daughter in. But come on. She's gonna pay for her. What is ther eo be livid about? Why won't you be able to enjoy yourself? YOu're wound a little too tight for this to be such a big problem.

L2- Good point, Tonka.

L3- On the other hand, they may see that as proof that it's normal to be preoccupied when with others.

Mister Tonka wrote:

LW1: She cheated on you. Multiple times. She is cold and distant. She does not want to spend time with you. She is hostile toward you. Are you a masochist? DTB.
LW2: I'm with you in that she should not have pushed her grand-daughter in. But come on. She's gonna pay for her. What is ther eo be livid about? Why won't you be able to enjoy yourself? YOu're wound a little too tight for this to be such a big problem.

ITA on both. What's the big deal...it's a teenager, not a toddler. Most teenage girls will just sit there quietly or join in the conversation. I'm always a fan of 'the more, the merrier' unless the extra person is a known PITA.

LW1: She is clearly just playing hard to get.

She is only cheating on him with this other guy to make him jealous.

She seems aloof on the phone because she is so smitten with him that she cannot even find the words she wishes to say when she hears his voice.

She turns down his offers to meet because she knows her inner female animal will come right out and she will do things to him that only chicks in porn do.

He has her right where you want her!

I bet he encounters this often with the ladies seeing as how he is such a confident and I'm sure dashing young man.

LW2: If she felt so strong about it, she should have just been clear and said,“Yep, that will sure be a problem as no kids are allowed.

She left the door open a crack and now the other lady weaseled her way in.

L1: <groan>

L2: If the LW feels this strongly about the granddaughter not coming, Amy['s intern] gave great advice. She does sound a little self-centered because she doesn't say that her MOM wouldn't want the granddaughter there....

I bet those friends are used to that woman bringing her teenaged daughter everywhere. But seriously, what teenager wants to spend her time with six or seven grannies?

LW1: What a loser.

LW2: It was wrong for her to invite her granddaughter but come on, what's the big deal? You won't be able to enjoy yourself? What's up with the granddaughter you're not telling us about?

LW3: Stupid stupid stupid.

LW1 - breaking up is hard, but you've gotta move on. As was mentioned she might not be on medication, or may need a different prescription. Of the bi polar people I've known (one who like the LW's girl, broke the hearts of a husband and other good men)there seems to be a pattern of mind changing of what they want, whether it be relationships, friends, jobs, and things. Another bi polar friend had a compulsion with changing her hair because she is never happy with the style or color. It's a condition with a wide range, and can take patience to deal with it. But this LW should move on.

LW2 - What gets me is why a teenager can't take care of herself for a few hours? And would she really want to spend an afternoon with a group of old ladies?

LW3 - I'll bet Jane's granddaughter will spend the whole birthday luncheon with the grannies and LW2 texting her friends.

Matilda77 wrote:

<quoted text>
ITA on both. What's the big deal...it's a teenager, not a toddler. Most teenage girls will just sit there quietly or join in the conversation. I'm always a fan of 'the more, the merrier' unless the extra person is a known PITA.

Most teen aged girls will sit with their cellphones in their lap where you can't see their hands and text their way through lunch.

If LW is that unhappy, call back Jane and tell her not to bring granddaughter. Someone is going to be pissed off, might as well be Jane rather than you.

LW1 - This guy has so many issues of his own, which are completely separate from having a girlfriend who is bipolar. There is no possible way that they are good for each other.

LW2 - The LW could make an exception for the girl if she was visiting from out of town for the weekend (or even the week). Sure a teenage girl can entertain herself and it was extremely rude of Jane to invite her when she is not the hostess, but we are talking about the LW's reaction and she can afford to be gracious when Jane is offering to pay for her granddaughter.

What Jane should have done was to regretfully decline and explain that she is hosting her granddaughter that day and leave it up to the LW to extend the invite to the granddaughter (who I assume lives in town, since that would be the only way that she would know everyone).

LW3 - How about using your words instead?

Beech, the last couple of family functions we attended, the teenage girls in the family did exactly that (with scowls on their faces the whole time). My MIL, who is not the most charitable person in general, is ready to write them all off. I just say that it is a good thing her daughter and I didn't have cell phones back when we were in high school and college (though she does have a selective memory and now claims that we were angels).

Life s a Beech wrote:

LW3 - I'll bet Jane's granddaughter will spend the whole birthday luncheon with the grannies and LW2 texting her friends.

Yup!

AngelaMN wrote:

I bet those friends are used to that woman bringing her teenaged daughter everywhere. But seriously, what teenager wants to spend her time with six or seven grannies?

I was thinking of my girls in a few years. They hang out with their grandma's friends all the time. Some of these ladies have grown quite attached to them and might even enjoy the girls' company at a party. The girls might be bored, but they would go to make their grandma, and maybe her friend, happy.

This said, I think the grandma in this case was rude to LW, and the LW is a softie.

1 Dude, how old are you? Grow up! See there's this stuff called peta that your brain drowns in when you first start a relationship, but just like good crack, it wears off, which is what happened. That is why she is bopping the X, cause it give her mo of that peta crack she craves. Run, dont walk away.

2 Girl stuff, dont care.

3 Yeah, that passive aggressive routine always works so well.

RACE wrote:

1 Dude, how old are you? Grow up! See there's this stuff called peta that your brain drowns in when you first start a relationship, but just like good crack, it wears off, which is what happened. That is why she is bopping the X, cause it give her mo of that peta crack she craves. Run, dont walk away.
2 Girl stuff, dont care.
3 Yeah, that passive aggressive routine always works so well.

Uh, Race, it is PEA ,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenethylamine .
peta is usually people for the ethical treatment of animals, which someone said was Edog's frat'. Benevolent and Protective PETA

L1: She wants you to break up with her. Do it.

L2: The older crowd always likes to show off the grandkids, even when they're older. I don't know why. Well, either suck it up or call her and tell her flatly she can't bring her.

L3: I liked the texting the person better. That's directly to the offending person. If it gets to the point where I feel the need to pull out a book and start reading, I would hope and I just leave instead of doing that.