Amy 6-26

Dear Amy: My 20-something daughter has a chronic illness that makes her feel miserable all day.

Her dad and I recently bought a small house that we are renting to her (out of her meager disability money) to allow her to be more independent.

When she moved in, she requested that we respect that this is now her house and that we not invite people over without her express consent for two reasons: She wants control over her own environment, and she often feels too sick to interact.

My husband took his middle-aged daughter from a previous marriage to the house twice when he was painting it — without consulting our daughter (this older daughter does not have a relationship with the younger daughter).

Our daughter has tried two times to explain her displeasure to him, and she did so in a respectful way.

Both times my husband agreed he would not do this again.

This week it happened again.

She is upset with his lack of regard for her wishes, and he is furious that she is "making a big deal" about this.

All I have been able to suggest is a third party opinion.

What is your read, Amy?

— Wondering Mom

Dear Mom: Your husband may be trying in his clunky way to forge a relationship between his two daughters, but ignoring a respectful directive that he has repeatedly agreed to is not the way to do it.

Additionally, you are dealing with the perennial issue of the "pop in."

I fall into the camp that believes it's always best to call to ask if it's a convenient time to "pop in" — certainly if you know that the person living there is unwell.

You and your husband are your daughter's landlords (as well as parents).

A good landlord gives a tenant a heads up when he will be working on the property. So should a good dad.

Dear Amy: My oldest son will be turning 5 next month.

We are planning a party at a local park with simple games and food.

My problem is, I don't want guests to bring presents.

He is not spoiled, but he does receive nice items from his grandparents and my husband and me.

He has lots of toys, and I feel our house is overrun with them!

However, I don't want him to be hurt with the expectation of opening presents. Please help!

— Present Tense Mom

Dear Present Tense: At your son's age, giving and receiving gifts is important, not because of the stuff you get, but because of the social exchange — that of generosity and gratitude — that children demonstrate as they celebrate birthdays.

One way to balance the number of toys your son has is to ask him to choose one older toy to put in a basket for each new toy he receives. You will then recycle these "basket toys" (eventually) by giving them to another family member, donating them to a local charity or shelter, or by having a yard sale.

Additionally, if your son does receive gifts, you should sit with him and help him write personal thank-you notes (you will transcribe what he tells you to write, and he should sign the note himself) before he plays with or consumes any new gift.

Otherwise, you can certainly ask that children not bring gifts, but I can tell you from my own experience that some will comply with your directive, some will not and overall many will be confused.

Dear Amy: "Former Friend" wanted to know how to "break up" with a friend.

I agree with your advice to tell the person when you're breaking up.

My wife and I had some old friends from college whom we considered among our best friends.

They mentioned that they had adopted a "no contact" policy when they "broke up" with friends.

One day, we apparently entered that group, having received no explanation or notice. This is immature and cowardly. In addition, it leaves the eternal question of, "What did we do?"

— Also Former

Dear Former: Without the benefit of an explanation, you are forced to blame the other party.

LW 1: 20 something daughter? Is see 20 or 29? Not surprised your daughter is screwed up, her mother is a whacko!

LW 2: In 20 years, your son will be as crazy as LW 1’s daughter.

LW 3: Why would you want to be friends with, or continue being friends with people like that?

Redheadwglasses1
7:22 AM CDT
L1: Well, dad's the owner/landlord, he has a right to work on his property. But he should follow the same laws that unrelated landlords are supposed to follow. 24-hour notice (minimum, depends on the state and the circumstances) before entering the property, for example. But to show up to paint? He couldn't talk to his OWN FRICKIN' DAUGHTER about this to get her input and cooperation? What the hell is wrong with this guy?

I think you should pay to change the locks and don't give him a key.

L2: I think it's crazy when parents do this. A friend's kid got invited to a birthday party and the invitation said to not bring gifts. The kid is 6! Let her have presents. Later, you can work with her to donate some, but I don't think parents should do what this mom wants to do.

L3: Not much to wonder about. Your old friends are asshats. As dropped friends, you're probably in fine company.

LW1: I'm confused. Was the dad there to paint as previously agreed aupon and he happened to bring the other daughter with him(in which case I'm curious as to what she was doing there. Helping dad? Keeping him company?) Or did dad just show up un-announced because that is when he decided he had time to paint and he brought daughter with him? Too many questions for me.

LW2: Grinch.

1 who would invite people over to a house that you are renting out to another person? Something is not right with this story.

So dad shows up to paint, which is ok, but the fact that he brought a helper is not? Again, I think there is too much manufactured drama.

2 Hint lady! It aint about YOU, its about your kid, and sadly even Amby has more common sense than you do.

3 Do you really need it explained to you that they dont want to go to your keggers anymore?

L1. Why can't you just come right out and tell us what the chronic illness is?
All this beating around the bush every time does you a diservice.

She's an alcoholic, and always hung over. Happy?

loose cannon wrote:

L1. Why can't you just come right out and tell us what the chronic illness is?
All this beating around the bush every time does you a diservice.

1: They are renting her the house, they are her landlords. The fact that they are her parents is irrelevant. They take money from her (regardless of the amount) and are therefore bound by the laws of landlords/tenants.

The daughter asked, apparently beforehand, and a couple of times since, to not bring people over to HER house. Would anyone want their landlord to bring people to their private home? I think not.

That said, Dad should be able to talk to the daughter BEFORE he does anything like that, and if she still says "no" then he needs to respect it.

I hate, hate, hate parents who think it's ok to disregard the express(ed) wishes of their grown children as they would NOT do with any other adult. SOME leeway is in order because of the whole "family" thing, but only a very little bit. To do otherwise is disrespectful. Not that I've had any personal experience with that or anything.

2&3: don't care.

LW1: She sounds kind of mental, but I don't know why the guy is inclined to keep pushing her until she goes postal.

LW2: Sux to be your kid.

LW3: "And that's why yellow makes me sad, I think."

http://www.youtube.com/watch...

Mimi Seattle wrote:

1: They are renting her the house, they are her landlords. The fact that they are her parents is irrelevant. They take money from her (regardless of the amount) and are therefore bound by the laws of landlords/tenants.
The daughter asked, apparently beforehand, and a couple of times since, to not bring people over to HER house. Would anyone want their landlord to bring people to their private home? I think not.
That said, Dad should be able to talk to the daughter BEFORE he does anything like that, and if she still says "no" then he needs to respect it.
I hate, hate, hate parents who think it's ok to disregard the express(ed) wishes of their grown children as they would NOT do with any other adult. SOME leeway is in order because of the whole "family" thing, but only a very little bit. To do otherwise is disrespectful. Not that I've had any personal experience with that or anything.

All of this.

I think LW and Dad are looking at the renatl house as just an extension of the daughte's bedroom at home rather than as a true independent situation.

I kind of wonder about th debilitating illness that makes her feel lousy all the time but still allows her to live independently and how that factors into the fact that 20+ daughter has no relationship with her middle aged half sib and that her father ignores boundaries.

I smell manipulation cooking in the kitchen

L1: Dad and the daughter are asshats!(I love that word..)

L2: mom is a PITA. Donate the old stuff to the needy and shaddup!

LW1: He's going to have to put on his landlord hat when dealing with this. 24-48 hours notice and notification if he's bringing a helper (even if that helper is family).

LW2: The party we recently went to requested no gifts, and we complied. Thought is was weird, but we complied. L made a card and I saw that most of the other kids invited did too.

I totally understand the desire to not have any more effing toys underfoot, but then don't buy them any during the year if you know you're going to get at ton at Christmas and birthday.

LW3: It is nicer to have some sort of explanation.

I saw my ex-friend at the art fair over the weekend. I had asked hubby about how to deal with it, and he said we should not even go into her booth. So we didn't; I spotted her through the crowd and lowered my parasol (OK, it's L's, but I was shading both of us) so she didn't see me. It felt really good just to walk on by.

1. She's paying rent, she has the right of a tenant, not to mention those of an adult. Dad is over-stepping, he needs to chill out.

2. You're an idiot. A child is not spoiled because of presents he gets on his birthday, he is spoiled because of the attitude fostered by his parents. Any dum-dum can parent by denial, it takes a little effort to teach.

3. Start a Dropped Friends Club.

squishymama wrote:

LW1: He's going to have to put on his landlord hat when dealing with this. 24-48 hours notice and notification if he's bringing a helper (even if that helper is family).
LW2: The party we recently went to requested no gifts, and we complied. Thought is was weird, but we complied. L made a card and I saw that most of the other kids invited did too.
I totally understand the desire to not have any more effing toys underfoot, but then don't buy them any during the year if you know you're going to get at ton at Christmas and birthday.
LW3: It is nicer to have some sort of explanation.
I saw my ex-friend at the art fair over the weekend. I had asked hubby about how to deal with it, and he said we should not even go into her booth. So we didn't; I spotted her through the crowd and lowered my parasol (OK, it's L's, but I was shading both of us) so she didn't see me. It felt really good just to walk on by.

I was going to ask...did anyone bring gifts to the party, and if so, how did they handle that?

itser wrote:

<quoted text>
I was going to ask...did anyone bring gifts to the party, and if so, how did they handle that?

I saw a small pile of handmade cards and a few small gifts (looked like they could be books), but those seemed to be from family.

The family stayed after the guests left; I only know this because we were the last to leave! So I'm guessing they opened those gifts then.

1- It's rude to show up uninvited no matter who you are.

2- You are a nutball, lady! Let your kid open presents! Is this how you treat Christmas, too?

3- If your so-called "friends" behave this way, I say good riddence.

Was topix wonky for anyone else? I tried posting earlier but couldn't.

Oh.....
You're "THOSE" people.

squishymama wrote:

<quoted text>
I only know this because we were the last to leave! So I'm guessing they opened those gifts then.

Saluki Rod wrote:

L1: Dad and the daughter are asshats!(I love that word..)

The dad yes, the daughter, not so much. She is an adult and a tenant. This is her own private space which she is paying for and he is violating her (legal) rights, as well as disrespecting her requests as his daughter.

Whatever her problem is (are), and I think they are mental/emotional, but chronic physical problems can make you not feel well most of the time (I know from personal exp...life), she is still their tenant and they need to respect that and quit violating boundaries.

Was fine for me....Are you sure you did not get confused by all the little keys?

edogxxx wrote:

Was topix wonky for anyone else? I tried posting earlier but couldn't.