Ask Amy 9-8

Dear Amy: My 83-year-old widowed mother and I were having our weekly phone conversation last night (I live in California; she's in New York) when she began to repeat herself over and over — more than a dozen times.

I kept asking her, "Why are you repeating yourself?"

My mother's cognitive skills are exceptional, and this odd behavior had me worried.

She had earlier complained about how hot it was, and I suspected the heat may have contributed to her problem.

I asked her if she was feeling OK, and she said she was fine, but again she began to repeat herself.

I told her I would call her back then tried to get a hold of my sister who lives 20 minutes away. No luck.

I called my brother and asked him to call her to see if she sounded weird.

He spoke with her and then called me back, agreeing that she sounded strange.

I took it upon myself to call 911. An ambulance went to the house.

The EMTs examined her and found nothing wrong. Now she refuses to speak with me. She says I humiliated her.

What is the proper protocol here?

She lives alone and I couldn't reach anyone, so I decided to send help. I worried that she might be having a stroke.

Now my brother and sister say I overreacted.

Amy, what do you think?

— A Very Concerned Son

Dear Concerned: You did the right thing. Your mother is embarrassed, your siblings are backing her up, but there are far worse fates than a little embarrassment. Suffering a stroke, for instance, and not getting help.

The fact is, something was wrong with your mother, and she should follow up with her doctor.

Take this incident as your wake-up call to work with your siblings and your mother on making some small changes so she can continue to live safely at home.

I recommend you look into a monitoring service. For a monthly fee, she can have an intercom installed onto her phone line and a "panic" button. This adds another set of ears, another entity in the chain of contact and another person available to try to assess her needs.

You should also add a couple of neighbors to your contact list.

Dear Amy: I have fallen in love with a guy I can't get along with.

We are both very stubborn. We don't yield to each other as much as we should, but we love each other very much.

We want to make this thing work but can't get past our own egos.

As a woman, I am more aware of my feelings then he is. I know that all I need to do is just give in and hope he follows suit, but I can't seem to get myself to do it.

Should we just break up?

— Confused California Lover

Dear California: Your assumption that you are more in touch with your feelings because you are a woman makes me wonder about your willingness to see your behavior from his perspective.

If you feel you must continually "give in" to get along, this relationship doesn't have much of a future. But you and your guy can learn to listen, negotiate and navigate through challenges. You have to acknowledge this problem and consciously work on changing the dynamic — together.

Dear Amy: "Worried Mom" was upset about her daughter's weight gain and terrible eating habits.

We had the exact same issue with our daughter. She ate too much of the wrong foods, and our constant comments about her weight and eating habits left her feeling angry. We began to fear that her weight issues were going to permanently damage our relationship when a friend suggested that we get a third party involved who would have some emotional distance.

Our daughter agreed to see a nutritionist on a weekly basis. It was life changing. It took a year for my daughter to adopt all the changes, but it was worth it. She looks great and feels so much better about herself.

Now we are her biggest cheerleaders instead of her biggest critics.

— Been There

Dear Been There: Wonderful suggestion.

L1: You did the right thing. Ask your mom: "If I was behaving oddly (mention the exact things your mom did), wouldn't YOU call for help for ME?" And shame on your siblings. I really hate when siblings who aren't around for the crisis judge how other siblings handled it.

L2: "As a woman, I am more aware of my feelings then he is." "(THAN, not THEN) But how insulting this statement is to men. More women than men may feel comfortable stating how they feel, but that doesn't mean men aren't aware of how they feel.

End the relationship. You're way too much of a pain to be with.

L3: "We began to fear that her weight issues were going to permanently damage our relationship"

Don't you mean, YOUR OBSESSION with her weight and food choices, rather than her weight?

Ouch! Angela had a big bowl of snark this morning!

1 You did good, at least your conciense is clear.

2 So your both pig headed and you wonder if it will work out for you. Sure if you want to live in a pig sty. How do you divvy up chores and money?

3 Rehash of girls stuff, sooo dont care.

L1: I agree with Angela.

L2: I really can't stand this LW's tone but for the sake of trying to answer, I'll suggest couples counseling. If these people are as stubborn as she says, they'll need it whether they're with each other or someone else.

L3: I ate half of a large pizza and drank half of a bottle of wine last night. Gluttony AND drunkenness!
;p

LW1 - What Amy said. And yes about NY being hotter than hell this summer, all the more reason to be concerned that she is getting enough fluids and that her a/c is working.

LW2 - Of course you are in touch with your feelings. But you may also think everyone is a mind reader and that subtle hints are an effective method of communication. Either chill out or expect your relationship(s) to have conflict.

LW3 - Don't forget about exercise in addition to healthy eating. A major contributor to the obesity epidemic. When I was growing up, soda was a treat, as was fast food. Home cooked meals were not exactly low calorie, but always included green vegetables and we had to finish our plates. But we also played outside running around, doing gymnastics, rode bikes etc... No sitting inside watching TV unless it was like pouring rain or below zero out.

j_m_w wrote:

L2: I really can't stand this LW's tone but for the sake of trying to answer, I'll suggest couples counseling. If these people are as stubborn as she says, they'll need it whether they're with each other or someone else.

Yeah, I thought that after a while, too -- they both would benefit from counseling, even if it doesn't "save" this relationship. Part of me (a BIG part of me) wants to just say, "Relationships aren't supposed to be so much work," but then I figured someone would post about a relationship in which the two people butt heads all the time, but the relationship is strong and loving. So who knows?

FWIW, 9.5 months and Nick and I haven't had a fight. We joke about what it will be about, but the handful of times something could have become a fight, we both just talked about it -- on phone or in person, not in email, where fights can escalate -- and resolved things in two minutes.

I know it won't always work that way, but it's really really nice just getting along well with someone.

Life s a Beech wrote:

LW3 - Don't forget about exercise in addition to healthy eating. A major contributor to the obesity epidemic. When I was growing up, soda was a treat, as was fast food. Home cooked meals were not exactly low calorie, but always included green vegetables and we had to finish our plates. But we also played outside running around, doing gymnastics, rode bikes etc... No sitting inside watching TV unless it was like pouring rain or below zero out.

Sounds like my childhood. Fast food was once a week after swimming lessons, but otherwise, we *never* had fast food. Dining out at a regular restaurant was a rare treat -- we'd go to Marc's Big Boy! Remember those? Big Boy?

I saw a new commercial on TV yesterday featuring both regular sized kids and chubby kids (and the chubby girl was freakin' adorable), talking to YOU, the parents watching TV: "You think I got this way on my own?" "Why do I have to exercise while you sit around and watch TV?" "You want me to eat broccoli but you don't have to?"

Excellent commercial.

L3: Wow, d-bag parents. I think this is one of many situations where peer pressure is far more effective than parental nagging.

And, ITA with what Beech said. Blows my mind when I see tubby four-year-olds walking around the mall with a 32 oz Icee in hand. Really? What part of that is a good idea? I don't think I was allowed an entire can of pop to myself until I hit double digits.

Ugh, and my other pet peeve. Parents wheeling around older children in carts at the grocery store. Seriously? No wonder your 8-year-old is fat. Saw a woman struggling to push TWO pre-teens in one of those big family carts once and I almost laughed out loud. One of them was texting. Both were tubby.*facepalm*

Matilda77 wrote:

Ugh, and my other pet peeve. Parents wheeling around older children in carts at the grocery store. Seriously? No wonder your 8-year-old is fat. Saw a woman struggling to push TWO pre-teens in one of those big family carts once and I almost laughed out loud. One of them was texting. Both were tubby.*facepalm*

Also, those plastic stroller-type things you can rent at Disney, etc. If you have a baby or a toddler, you use a real stroller. If you have a child, even a small/young child, they have legs for a reason!

But Matilda! Walking is HAAARRRDDDDD!!!!

I was picking up some things at Target the other day. There was a mom with three kids. THe 10 yo boy wanted in the cart (he was slender). "I can't walk!" he whined. Mom: "You're walking RIGHT NOW." "But I can't."

I'm not dissing that mom. I just find whiny kids to be annoying beyond belief. Yes, I know I whined as a kid. We all did.

Especially when we had to do back to school shopping we all whined.

1: I just read the column and this letter really struck me. My fil was "sounding strange" when he was talking to my bil on the phone. My bil lives in Texas and my fil and we live in New York State - two hours away from each other. My husband called his dad and agreed he sounded a bit off; so he drove up there and took him to the ER even though his dad said he felt fine and there wasn't any problem. They gave him some kind of cognitive test in the ER (a large circle with markings on the perimeter or something of the sort). He was supposed to fill in the clockface and he started putting in the names of the months instead and couldn't finish. They did more medical tests and kept him. They were trying to decide whether he'd had a stroke (he'd had one previously) or whether he had cancer in his brain. It turned out that he had cancer.

So I think the lw did absolutely the right thing since she was so far away and couldn't contact siblings who lived closer. Shame on those siblings! They'd better step up and take mom to her doctor for a complete checkup. And they'd better tell the doctor about that previous situation on the phone. Perhaps the lw should call the mom's doctor and relate the incident to him and ask him to call the mom and have her come in for a check up. I really doubt the siblings will do this on their own. They don't want to recognize that mom could have a problem.

LW1: Sounds to me like she did the right thing. Something wasn’t right with her.

LW2: When it is right and you are compatible, it just isn’t this difficult. Move along now.

LW3: Hey, that is what I suggested. I agree that they should offer to send her to a nutritionist!

Great advice, Pippa, for the LW to contact her mom's doctor. The way YOUR family handled things is how it should have worked out, ideally, for the LW.

Unless a parent was abusive, this is the least you can do for an elderly parent.

AngelaMN wrote:

But Matilda! Walking is HAAARRRDDDDD!!!!
I was picking up some things at Target the other day. There was a mom with three kids. THe 10 yo boy wanted in the cart (he was slender). "I can't walk!" he whined. Mom: "You're walking RIGHT NOW." "But I can't."
I'm not dissing that mom. I just find whiny kids to be annoying beyond belief. Yes, I know I whined as a kid. We all did.

How the parent responds is key. The mom I mentioned didn't have whiny kids b/c she was total pushover apparently. I'll take people the Target mom any day.

But what I don't understand is, where has the stigma gone? If one of my classmates or neighborhood friends had seen me in a cart, being pushed by my mommy at age 6, 8, 10, whatever, I never would have heard the end of it, and I wouldn't have done it again. No shame in it now. Is it all those anti-bullying campaigns? Peer pressure does have its place in shaping children. Not saying any child should be teased mercilessly, but mild ribbing DOES have its place.

I should point out that my husband immediately dropped EVERYTHING, got in the car and drove up to his dad's house. No "I'll get there when I'm not so busy." He just went. I had to call a couple of clients to postpone meetings but they understood even though one had driven a couple of hundred miles for the meeting. There were some other relatives who lived fairly close (same city) but my husband wanted to know for himself that his dad was taken care of and he felt the other relatives would be put of with his dad's "oh, I'm alright. There's no need to fuss."

L1: Wow, Pippa. Glad your husband is the man he is. As for the LW, she needs to tell her siblings they better step up and good idea about the doctor. People can get stubborn.

L2: This doesn't sound like a relationship to me. It sounds like they have great sex together and are trying to figure out how to continue the sex.

L3: I don't get it. Didn't these parents who are complaining about how their kids eat and what to do, what to do -- raise them?

Matilda77 wrote:

But what I don't understand is, where has the stigma gone? If one of my classmates or neighborhood friends had seen me in a cart, being pushed by my mommy at age 6, 8, 10, whatever, I never would have heard the end of it, and I wouldn't have done it again.

My guess is that for many people, shopping is an anonymous activity now. They don't run into people they know from school or the neighborhood, because they've driven 5 or 10 (or 20) miles away from home to run their errands.

Mary Lieber wrote:

L3: I don't get it. Didn't these parents who are complaining about how their kids eat and what to do, what to do -- raise them?

Hah!

There you go, with that common sense stuff again. ;-P

Mary Lieber wrote:

L1: Wow, Pippa. Glad your husband is the man he is. As for the LW, she needs to tell her siblings they better step up and good idea about the doctor. People can get stubborn.
L2: This doesn't sound like a relationship to me. It sounds like they have great sex together and are trying to figure out how to continue the sex.
L3: I don't get it. Didn't these parents who are complaining about how their kids eat and what to do, what to do -- raise them?

Great responses, all around.