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“It made sense at the time....”
Since: May 09
Schaumburg, IL
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LW1 - yes, try counseling to see if there's anythign worth saving int eh marriage and if not how to come to a somewhat amicable/less hostile end. do it sooner rahter than later so everyone's resentment and hostility dont' get teh best of everyone. and so frickin what if her health isn't the best. she'll either get better or die of bitterness, but you'll be reileved of a burden if you break it off (even if you get stuck wiht some medical bills or keeping her on your insurance).
SIL and jackass husbnad should have had some kind of joint counseling long ago, but never did (he hasn't had any as a addict's spouse either). SIL had an affair of some sort long ago, and he's taken to throwing it back in her face over the last cuople years. She admits it wasn't her finest hour, but is dealing wtih it. he's no prince, nad has been forgiven by his church for any of his indiscretions in teh past (so he's all good in his mind). now, his hostility has gotten the best of both of them.
SIL is standing at least a foot taller since he threw her out.
now for the divorce lawyers, but the retainers aer way to high for her to even dream of anything any time soon. we're encouraging her to talk to her counselors to see if htey have anyone to turn to for pro-bono or waaaaay reduced fee representation...
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Since: Jan 10
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cheluzal wrote: I hate his "one-nght stand BUT my wife found out," which tells me he would've kept it quiet. I forgot about that part. Makes me wonder how the wife found out. Did he tell someone? Did he text with the woman afterwards (which only adds to the crime)?
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Since: Feb 10
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L1: Get out. Your situation isn't going to get any better and I doubt that even counseling will help. So go. If you are really concerned about her health and feel responsible for her, then make long-term care insurance part of your divorce settlement. But you need to go.
L2: When I was 19, my aunt and uncle decided to join me in Europe, where I was going to school, for my Christmas break, where they basically dumped their kids with me while they went out and enjoyed themselves. It happened once, because I was young and my mom was pressuring me to just be nice. Then I grew up and learned how to speak up for myself. You should try that.
L3: Ugh. First of all, maybe you shouldn't have overshared with everyone about your choice to be child-free. You were probably all snotty and superior about your choice too. And I doubt that you will have to wait until you actually conceive to talk about changing your mind. You're going to bore everyone to death with stories about your infertility issues. Just shut up already.
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“Geddy Lee doesn't do groceries”
Since: Feb 09
Neda, stay with me!
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herpes? RedheadwGlasses wrote: <quoted text>
I forgot about that part. Makes me wonder how the wife found out. Did he tell someone? Did he text with the woman afterwards (which only adds to the crime)?
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Since: Jun 09
Oregon, WI
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RedheadwGlasses wrote: L1: When she decided to stay married to you after your one night stand, I think she owed it to you to work on your marriage and not throw the fling back in your face. She's not doing her marriage or herself any favors. If she can't get past your mistake, then she should just say so and let you go free. I think you need to insist on marriage counseling, and if she refuses, DTMFA. I agree because it's been SEVEN YEARS. Otherwise, I would say this resolution doesn't happen overnight, and even if she knew that she was going to work on the marriage, it doesn't mean that he should get a pass and she should keep her mouth shut. My wife made it clear that if I cheated and she found out that she would not leave me but would make me suffer for quite some time. Having never cheated, it's easy to say that's fair, but ya know, I'll take that trade off any day to knowing that it would be over after any indiscretion. Life is long and anything can happen. Healing from wounds can take some time.
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Since: Jun 09
Oregon, WI
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cheluzal wrote: 1: Oh, boohoo--you stuck your wanky in stranger who was not your wife but you were drunk, so it's okay.
I hate his "one-nght stand BUT my wife found out," which tells me he would've kept it quiet. That is nasty and egregious to the foundation of honesty in a MARRIAGE.
This is why I would never take back a cheater--she can't trust him when he's away because he ruined it. She's not handling it right, but I won't begrudge her feelings. This is what happens when you act like a cheating douche and blame alcohol and your personality. So you think the not telling is the nasty and egregious part??? Why would someone who cheats tell someone who has an attitude like this. You'll never take back a cheater, so it's most likely if anyone ever cheats on you, they will never tell.
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Since: Jan 10
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cycle003 wrote: <quoted text>
I agree because it's been SEVEN YEARS.
Otherwise, I would say this resolution doesn't happen overnight, and even if she knew that she was going to work on the marriage, it doesn't mean that he should get a pass and she should keep her mouth shut. My wife made it clear that if I cheated and she found out that she would not leave me but would make me suffer for quite some time. Having never cheated, it's easy to say that's fair, but ya know, I'll take that trade off any day to knowing that it would be over after any indiscretion. Life is long and anything can happen. Healing from wounds can take some time. If it had been six months, I'd say they had a chance if they got some counseling. But seven years, you're right -- that's a long time and she's been sitting in her bitterness for this whole time.
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Since: Jan 10
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I've never cheated, either, and I can see that there are circumstances under which I might stay married (drunken one night stand, sincere remorse, efforts to prove it won't happen again) and circumstances I wouldn't (long-term affair, TWO one night stands, an attitude that I should just get over it, etc.).
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Since: Jun 09
Oregon, WI
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RedheadwGlasses wrote: I've never cheated, either, and I can see that there are circumstances under which I might stay married (drunken one night stand, sincere remorse, efforts to prove it won't happen again) and circumstances I wouldn't (long-term affair, TWO one night stands, an attitude that I should just get over it, etc.). I can understand that. I also think that the dynamics of a marriage are so varied and complicated that it's too difficult to make these kind of predictions. For example, let's say you're married fairly happily for a decade or so, then start to not get along for an extended period of time, then somehow rekindle the marriage and find out there was an affair in the middle of the extended disgruntled years. I can see being able to get past that, but catching someone in an extended affair while he/she was pretending to be happily married would be much different. I can imagine tons of various circumstances that make it too complicated to say, if this, then I would do that. One thing that I'm realizing is how much can change over the course of a marriage. My life is hardly the same as when I committed to my wife, and it seems like a different lifetime. We've only been married 6 years (together for about 9), but people and situations change a lot. I can't imagine how it is over 20 or 50 years. I imagine that most couples go through phases of not liking each other very much considering how much things change and how energy levels, interests, hormones, finances, etc. can fluctuate. When one spouse's interest in sex changes out of sync from the other's, how hard must that be? To me, it seems a bit foolhardy to decide in advance to end a marriage over an indiscretion (or even perhaps two). I know for some people it's about the lost trust, and I get that, but there's so much that I trust about my wife, I don't know that all of that would be gone if she cheated. Obviously it depends on the circumstances. Like I said, someone carrying on affairs and lying about whereabouts while pretending to be happy would really be the worst case for me.
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Since: Jul 12
Location hidden
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cycle003 wrote: <quoted text>
I can understand that. I also think that the dynamics of a marriage are so varied and complicated that it's too difficult to make these kind of predictions. For example, let's say you're married fairly happily for a decade or so, then start to not get along for an extended period of time, then somehow rekindle the marriage and find out there was an affair in the middle of the extended disgruntled years. I can see being able to get past that, but catching someone in an extended affair while he/she was pretending to be happily married would be much different.
I can imagine tons of various circumstances that make it too complicated to say, if this, then I would do that. One thing that I'm realizing is how much can change over the course of a marriage. My life is hardly the same as when I committed to my wife, and it seems like a different lifetime. We've only been married 6 years (together for about 9), but people and situations change a lot. I can't imagine how it is over 20 or 50 years. I imagine that most couples go through phases of not liking each other very much considering how much things change and how energy levels, interests, hormones, finances, etc. can fluctuate. When one spouse's interest in sex changes out of sync from the other's, how hard must that be?
To me, it seems a bit foolhardy to decide in advance to end a marriage over an indiscretion (or even perhaps two). I know for some people it's about the lost trust, and I get that, but there's so much that I trust about my wife, I don't know that all of that would be gone if she cheated. Obviously it depends on the circumstances. Like I said, someone carrying on affairs and lying about whereabouts while pretending to be happy would really be the worst case for me. I agree. That's why there has to be something more than attraction to keep 2 people married, it's both taking the vows seriously and caring for the well being of someone else to a very high degree. If you live with anyone, there will be times and periods they get on your last nerve. It's all about degree and realizing that you probably get on their nerves too.
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“It made sense at the time....”
Since: May 09
Des Plaines, IL
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Toj wrote: <quoted text>
I agree. That's why there has to be something more than attraction to keep 2 people married, it's both taking the vows seriously and caring for the well being of someone else to a very high degree. If you live with anyone, there will be times and periods they get on your last nerve. It's all about degree and realizing that you probably get on their nerves too. agreed, but also, i think that everyone involved should act on it when those last nerves are worked all... the... damn.... time... part of taking vows seriously is to be respectful and supportive of your spouse, and if that's failing, then maybe it IS time to cut the crap and call it quits. that's where my SIL and her husband have been at for the last year or so. i have a cousin who didn;t call it quits, and she, IMO, wasted a lot of years, energy and life on someone who found better friends/companions in bottles than with her.
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Since: Jul 12
Location hidden
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Aisle Sitter wrote: <quoted text>
agreed, but also, i think that everyone involved should act on it when those last nerves are worked all... the... damn.... time...
part of taking vows seriously is to be respectful and supportive of your spouse, and if that's failing, then maybe it IS time to cut the crap and call it quits.
that's where my SIL and her husband have been at for the last year or so. i have a cousin who didn;t call it quits, and she, IMO, wasted a lot of years, energy and life on someone who found better friends/companions in bottles than with her. Definitely! It's one thing to get on each others' nerves for a bit and work through it, quite another to live years like that and with no respect. When it's time to call it quits there usually is a lot of others things going on in the marriage. On the whole I think most people can realize when it's just an ebb and flow of things and when it's chronic and a big problem. Some people, I think, are just afraid to leave and change their life. It's difficult decision to leave a marriage for most people. You giving your SIL support is probably helping her cope with all the changes. Change is difficult and stressful, even when it's good and you want it.
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