Amy 2-13

Dear Amy: This past summer I lent my daughter more than $2,000.

This was supposed to be a "summer loan," and she was going to pay me back in September. It is now many months later, and I have not seen a penny of repayment toward this loan. Now she is talking about buying a new television.

Am I wrong for being upset? How do I ask her for this money back?

I work 10 months out of the year and try to save my money so that for the two months that I don't work I have some "play" money.

Please help me.

— Upset Mother

Dear Mother: Rather than wonder if your feelings are "wrong," you should devote more energy to validating your own feelings and then acting upon them.

Here's how you ask for your money back: "Honey, you owe me $2,000. I'd like to be paid back. When can I expect it?"

Your daughter might react by behaving as if she is shocked, shocked by your suggestion that she should repay this money. Anticipate this and practice the encounter in advance. Assume an attitude of calm and steely resolve and deliver a consequence if this money isn't repaid.

Unless you want to try to shake the money loose by suing her or marching her in front of Judge Judy, the most obvious consequence is that this is the one and only "loan" she will ever receive from you.

Dear Amy: One of my husband's best friends from college recently became engaged. My husband and another college friend were both asked to be groomsmen.

The other friend's wife was asked to be a bridesmaid, despite the fact that the three of us girls all met at the same time and that the other wife and I have roughly the same limited relationship with the bride.

The bride has 11 bridesmaids, none of whom she knows terribly well. I don't want to be a bridesmaid. However, I would really prefer not to attend the wedding at this point. The three people I would socialize with (my husband, his friend and his friend's wife) are all in the wedding.

I will be by myself during the day of the wedding, during the ceremony itself and possibly even during the reception. It's a destination wedding, so it is not an inexpensive event.

Can I get out of going?

I don't want to appear as though I'm acting out in a huff over being excluded; I just feel somewhat unwelcome, and more importantly, it just won't be much fun for me. Should I ask the bride if I've done something to offend her?

— Bothered

Dear Bothered: Evidently, your social skills are so limited that you can only attend a wedding if you are guaranteed "much fun" and you can only have fun if you are in the wedding party.

I agree that it is somewhat embarrassing not to be included in a wedding party that has a greater population than the state of Rhode Island — but on the other hand, being part of this massive bridal army doesn't exactly confer exclusive status on the bridesmaids — and so, grow up already.

You are married. I assume you and your husband had a wedding ceremony. Imagine one of your wedding guests reacting as rudely as you are right now.

You have no cause to ask the bride if you've offended her. Most likely she had to draw the line somewhere, and so she picked a number and drew the line in front of you.

Get it together. If you can't, then RSVP politely that you won't be able to attend and sulk at home.

Dear Amy: "Hurt Husband" described life with a combative wife who yelled at him in front of their child.

I grew up with this kind of mother. It is very damaging to the child. Luckily, my father was loving and supportive, but he could never figure out how to live in a different way with my mother.

Hurt should suggest counseling, especially because they both love their child and she would benefit from the peace it may bring to the household.

— Robbin

Dear Robbin: Thank you for offering the child's perspective

L1: Neither a borrower or a lender be. Especially when family is involved.

L2: While Amy took a hardline stance that I applaud, I gotta differ on a key point. Destination weddings are somewhat ridiculous. I am choosing not to attend my niece's beach wedding in March due to the expense. I love this niece unconditionally, but I simply refuse to drop a grand or more to attend her wedding.

LW1 got a reasonable answer--and within a week of the day not to cry over spilled milk.

LW2 got an acceptable answer.

LW3 was okay.

11 bridesmaids for a destination wedding? Yikes.
I think LW should be honored...sounds like her role of guest is more exclusive than the role of bridesmaid, and she gets to pick out her own dress.
But mostly, I think she sounds like a whiny, spoiled child. Knowing the bride the same length of time as the other woman doesn't mean their friendships are equal, and she doesn't have a right to be in the wedding just because her husband is.
Maybe it's just me, but unless it's someone super close to me, I don't want to be in the wedding party. It's an expensive hassle, and I would much rather just enjoy myself as a guest. OK, so she doesn't get to sit with her husband for the ceremony, and possibly dinner. Use the opportunity to meet some new people.
Or stay home and pout.

L1: Wow, so your husband's the unfortunate guy with That Wife.

L2: What Amy said.(And be prepared for her to ask for another "loan" in the future, despite telling her now that the bank is closed. People who stiff their relatives and friends are losers with no shame.)

L3: Your dad was loving and supportive, but he also ensured that you endured your mother for a long time, when perhaps he could have gotten you out of there to show you what a loving, sane home is like. Well, half the time, anyway.

1 Do as amy says.

2 While she does sound whiny, I can also see her point. She will have to attend the wedding and reception un escorted and will basically be left to fend for herself the entire day, while hubby is enjoying the wedding stuff

3 Mean people suk

She says she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, but she DOES want to be a bridesmaid. If she hadn't mentioned that part in great detail, I'd believe her "I won't know anyone there and will be left to my own devices much of the time." but as it is, she's bitter about being left out.

LW1: Speak up and don’t loan her money again.

LW2: BFD. Right after we first were married, my wife was in her college roommates wedding party. I wasn’t. I hardly even knew her. We had to drive quite a few hours away and get a hotel room (and it was a cash bar too). We both had an alright time. I don’t know why people get all out of sorts over sh1t like that.

Sublime1 wrote:

LW2: BFD. Right after we first were married, my wife was in her college roommates wedding party. I wasn’t. I hardly even knew her. We had to drive quite a few hours away and get a hotel room (and it was a cash bar too). We both had an alright time. I don’t know why people get all out of sorts over sh1t like that.

I'm sensing that the LW is a bit of a wallflower, and is opting out due to expense, which she didn't elaborate on (or was edited out). I still don't see what the big deal is with opting out of a destination wedding, especially with the economy in the crapper.

I don't see a problem with opting out either, saluki, but she's going to sulk and punish her husband for having "horrible" friends. I feel for the husband.

LW1: "How do I ask her for this money back?"
Say: Hey, wait. What's this about you buying a new tv? How do you have money for that but have not paid me the money you were supposed to give me in September?"

That was easy.

LW2: "I will be by myself during the day of the wedding"
Why?

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

(snip)
L3: Your dad was loving and supportive, but he also ensured that you endured your mother for a long time, when perhaps he could have gotten you out of there to show you what a loving, sane home is like. Well, half the time, anyway.

That depends on their age and location, doesn't it?
Could be he would not have been able to get custody, and would have been abandoning her to living alone with the witch had he left. When I was a kid, and when my elder son was one, it was a RARE instance for a man to be able to get custody.
Staying may have been the best way to shield her then.

RACE wrote:

and will basically be left to fend for herself the entire day, while hubby is enjoying the wedding stuff

Maybe I didn't do my wedding right, but I have no idea why she'd be alone all day before the wedding. What is this wedding "stuff" you speak of? For my wedding, those in the wedding arrived maybe an hour before. Got dressed in our tuxes and hit the runway when summoned. Just thinking of my best man's date...

-She arrived with him

-had to fend for herself for maybe an hour before the ceremony and 15-20 minutes during the ceremony.

-then people were free to head to the reception while the bridal party stuck around to take pictures. Its not like everyine is in every picture...except for the bride and groom. I can't remember if she did or if she headed in to get a drink, but she most certainly could have stayed. Lots of people did. I had my old boss hanging around taking his own pictures. I had some other friends who hung around to get some pictures with us(it was a botanical garden). Basically, this was not a time where she would have been apart from him unless by choice

-then everyone went to the reception except us, so we could get a few nice bride and groom shots. More time she could have with him

-back at the reception, she could have been hanging out with him until we got there to make the bridal party entrance. What's that? Another 20 minutes alone?

-once the reception begins, its not like people are tied to their seats. people get up and move about.

Saluki Rod wrote:

<quoted text>
I'm sensing that the LW is a bit of a wallflower, and is opting out due to expense, which she didn't elaborate on (or was edited out). I still don't see what the big deal is with opting out of a destination wedding, especially with the economy in the crapper.

I can be a little bit quiet around people, until I get to know them. I wouldn't say I am shy, but it's more like I am feeling them out.

Knowing myself, I am sure I mostly kept to myself during the ceremony and during dinner at the reception.

It's not like the wedding ceremony is a social occasion, in the first place. So even if my wife were sitting by me, it's not like we'd be talking the whole time. So sitting by myself wasn't really any different than sitting with her/

At receptions, dinner isn't really that long, and once dinner was over, I was with my wife the whole night. The thing that bothered me most was that it was a cash bar. It's the only wedding I ever went to that was a cash bar. I was still in graduate school, and didn't have a lot of money. I thought it was cheap to do that to guests. We already had a 4 or 5 hour drive, each way, the cost of two nights at a hotel room, a gift, and the price of my wife's dress and shoes.

Oh, and some punk mo fo' keyed the sh1t out of the trunk of Oldsmobile Aurora at the hotel. There was a youth soccer tournament going on with a bunch of IL teams against WI teams, and I'm sure some cheesehead punk mo fo'er did it, lol.

LW1- That reminds me, I owe my parents about $600. Now, that I found a job, I can probably pay them back.

Sublime1 wrote:

The thing that bothered me most was that it was a cash bar.

Is free booze a requirement for you? You say it was cheap, but perhaps they just could not afford anything more and the compromise they had to make to stay on budget was no free booze. They could have just had no bar.

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>
Is free booze a requirement for you? You say it was cheap, but perhaps they just could not afford anything more and the compromise they had to make to stay on budget was no free booze. They could have just had no bar.

I think if you thought a little bit, before asking these questions the answer would be quite apparent.

For example, seeing as how they didn't have free booze, if it were a requirement for me, I wouldn't have come. Since I came, it necessarily follows that it's not a requirement. See how that works?

I also realize they could have had no bar, but thanks for explaining that. They could have also served McDonald's, too. What's your point?

I do think it's cheap when you know a lot of people are spending a lot of money to come to a wedding to make them buy drinks at the reception. It's the only wedding I've ever been too that had a cash bar.

I've been to outdoor weddings too, that just had couple kegs of beer, and that was fine.

Ugh, dude. Try being related to almost nothing but Baptists and skinflint Dutch people. It's usually sheet cake and non-alcoholic punch in the church basement...

And no dancing. Everyone knows dancing leads to impure thoughts which leads to pregnant teenagers.

1. If you have money for TVs, you have money to repay loans. It's that simple.

2. Do everyone a favor and don't go.

3. Hurt should grow a spine.

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>Maybe I didn't do my wedding right, but I have no idea why she'd be alone all day before the wedding. What is this wedding "stuff" you speak of? For my wedding, those in the wedding arrived maybe an hour before. Got dressed in our tuxes and hit the runway when summoned. Just thinking of my best man's date...
-She arrived with him
-had to fend for herself for maybe an hour before the ceremony and 15-20 minutes during the ceremony.
-then people were free to head to the reception while the bridal party stuck around to take pictures. Its not like everyine is in every picture...except for the bride and groom. I can't remember if she did or if she headed in to get a drink, but she most certainly could have stayed. Lots of people did. I had my old boss hanging around taking his own pictures. I had some other friends who hung around to get some pictures with us(it was a botanical garden). Basically, this was not a time where she would have been apart from him unless by choice
-then everyone went to the reception except us, so we could get a few nice bride and groom shots. More time she could have with him
-back at the reception, she could have been hanging out with him until we got there to make the bridal party entrance. What's that? Another 20 minutes alone?
-once the reception begins, its not like people are tied to their seats. people get up and move about.

Plus, I often see wedding parties with several married people in it, so the bride and groom include those spouses/SOs at the wedding party table as well.