Amy 2-10

Dear Amy: I have been out of the workforce for 10 years while being a stay-at-home mom to our son. I recently have interviewed for positions for evenings, nights and/or weekends (my husband would stay with our son).

During all of these interviews, I have been asked, point-blank, "Do you have children?" My initial thought is, "Can you really ask me that?!"

The first time I was posed this question, I replied, "Yes, I am a mother, and child care is not a problem."

Of course, I don't want to initiate a confrontation on a job interview. I want to be considered based on my education and experience, not whether I have a child.

What do you think my reply should be?

— Eager to Be Employed

Dear Eager: I shared your letter with Justine Lisser, lawyer and spokeswoman for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in Washington (eeoc.gov ).

Your question is understandable — and valid. Lisser says: "It is illegal to treat women differently from men. While the question itself of whether you have children is not illegal if posed to both men and women, our experience is that it is most likely usually posed only to women, which is illegal."

If you went through this employer's records and noted that only female applicants were asked this question, you could prove that this employer was in violation of the law.

On the other hand, I think it's possible that an employer might pose this question to both men and women who interview for jobs on the late shift.

Lisser and I agree that your answer was good. You answered truthfully and anticipated what the employer was really getting at. However, you could also have responded with a question: "Why do you ask? Is being a parent an advantage or a disadvantage in this position?"

You can turn this into a pitch by saying: "My parenting explains my employment gap of 10 years. But I hope you'll see from my educational and professional background that I can definitely do the job. And you know that as a mother I am used to working long hours — I'm extremely reliable, motivated and ready to go."

Dear Amy: "Sports Mom" wrote to you, concerned that her high school daughter was staying overnight in a hotel with soccer players — including two girls who are lesbians.

I think you were correct in your assessment that casting gay people as sexual predators is an unfair and untrue stereotype. However, teenage hormones are teenage hormones, and putting two people in a room together with a possible sexual attraction does create an opportunity for problems.

I saw this happen between two boys on a high school choir trip I went on (I also was a student at the time)— and it made one of them extremely uncomfortable, as he told me later. No major problems were caused in this case, but this does happen.

Again, these are teenagers, many of whom are still very much not at home with how to handle themselves when sexual attraction is involved, gay or straight.

I do agree that the most tactful way to handle it was the one you suggested.

Instead of asking, "OK, who's gay? You're quarantined," make it clear that sexual behavior of any kind will not be tolerated on this trip.

— JMH

Dear JMH: Thank you. We have all become more aware of (and sensitive to) the reality that young people are at risk for being sexually victimized; I maintain that much of the time the risk is due to the adults.

Regardless, students should be told that sexual contact of any kind will not be tolerated and should be reported.

Dear Amy: I agree with "Bothered Daughter" that having all the repairs in her house pointed out by her parents is annoying, but she mentioned having a crack in her microwave door.

Depending where the crack is, that could be dangerous. The microwaves are supposed to be inside the appliance, not outside.

— Kay

Dear Kay: Many readers pointed out that this is potentially dangerous. Maybe "Bothered Daughter's" parents were trying to alert her to the danger, but she was so bothered she wasn't paying attention.

LOW1 got an okay answer that could be refined to: "I'm glad you asked. This is the reason for my ten-year gap..."

The rehashes stink like an angry skunk caught in a feral cat catching cage.

L1: I was always taught that it's illegal to ask questions about children, whether someone is married, etc. The way to get around it is to ask the interviewee things like, "We often work late nights and weekends, would that be a problem for you?" I also think the LW answered the question well. If you get antagonistic with a prospective employer in the interview process, kiss the job goodbye.

L2: "However, teenage hormones are teenage hormones, and putting two people in a room together with a possible sexual attraction does create an opportunity for problems." This makes no sense -- the issue was whether the straight girl should have to room with the lesbian girl.

"it made one of them extremely uncomfortable" Wah F wah. Life has uncomfortable moments. Learn to work through them. You won't die.

L3: Some pretty smart-sounding people here explained that the crack most likely wasn't dangerous at all.

1- Get over yourself, it's a legit question. People with children tend to take more time off, especially working the evening and midnight hours.

2- teenagers are not rambunctious horndogs bopping like rabbits at every opportunity! No matter what cycle thinks!

3- Because the parent feel like failures if their children end up in roach infested crapholes.

LW1: "If you went through this employer's records and noted that only female applicants were asked this question"
Huh? Records? What employer keeps track of every question asked of ever interviewee? I've conducted my share of interviews and I have an idea of what I want to ask, but ther is no court reporter in there recordng word for word every question asked.

LW2: Wow, this is an old rehash.

LW3: Yeah, a crack in the microwave COULD be dangerous, but it was pretty obvious that LW knew about the crack and might have even said her parents mentioned it before. mentioning it again does not make it any more urgent for LW to fix. Just makes mom/dad more annoying for bringing it up every time they are over. No one knows about the problem areas in my house better than me and my wife. To have a someone else point out every problem they see when they come over is annoying , not helpful.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

L2: "However, teenage hormones are teenage hormones, and putting two people in a room together with a possible sexual attraction does create an opportunity for problems." This makes no sense -- the issue was whether the straight girl should have to room with the lesbian girl.

It makes perfect sense. its no different that concerns over hanky panky if a girl has to room with a boy.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

"it made one of them extremely uncomfortable" Wah F wah. Life has uncomfortable moments. Learn to work through them. You won't die.

Of course they need to learn to work through them. She didn't suggest anything different. She's just recognizing that the situation could be uncomfortable. As a grown man, I would have no problem if I had to room with a gay dude. But as a high schooler, I'm gonna guess I would have been quite a bit more uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with recognizing that.

edogxxx wrote:

1- Get over yourself, it's a legit question. People with children tend to take more time off, especially working the evening and midnight hours.

I disagree. I'll slightly alter your statement to make it more true.

People with children tend to take more UNSCHEDULED time off.

Sick kids happen(I'm home with one right now). But that just takes up time off I would have taken for some other reason were I to not have kids. I don't know about you, but use every last drop of time off I am entitled to. Having kids just means some of it ends up being used to take them to the doctor instead of taking it off to go to the beach.

Actually I was asked if I had any children on an interview. I had assumed it was their way of asking if I was gay or straight.

L1: You want the job, or not?

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text> It makes perfect sense. its no different that concerns over hanky panky if a girl has to room with a boy.

It IS different.

(1) straight boy and straight girl. Both are attracted to the opposite sex. Potential for hanky panky.

(2) gay girl and straight girl. Straight girl isn't attracted to her own gender. Much less potential (or none) for hanky panky.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

<quoted text>
It IS different.
(1) straight boy and straight girl. Both are attracted to the opposite sex. Potential for hanky panky.
(2) gay girl and straight girl. Straight girl isn't attracted to her own gender. Much less potential (or none) for hanky panky.

staight girl rooming with straight boy that she is not attracted to.
Straight girl rooming with lesbian.

Staight boy and lesbian both may be attractred to her.

Both situations uncomfortable for her.
Same.

LW1:“I want to be considered based on my education and experience, not whether I have a child.”

When you are doing the hiring, then you can determine the hiring criteria.

For all you know, they may be asking because they consider it to be a positive, i.e. someone with a family who is relying on them might take their job more serious than someone who is only responsible for themselves. You also only have your experience to go on and have no idea if that is asked of men and women.

You sound like a pain in the a$$ to me and the type of person who looks for excuses to b1tch about anything. I wouldn’t hire you either.

LW2+3: Amy is lazy, with this 2 letter rehash b.s.

Just do what they do on Teen Mom. The girls almost always magically have their child care fall through and they end up bringing their cranky babies to the job interview. Then they magically end up getting the job at the tanning salon.

Matilda77 wrote:

Just do what they do on Teen Mom. The girls almost always magically have their child care fall through and they end up bringing their cranky babies to the job interview. Then they magically end up getting the job at the tanning salon.

awesome! At least their babies will have a healthy summer glow!

Matilda77 wrote:

Just do what they do on Teen Mom. The girls almost always magically have their child care fall through and they end up bringing their cranky babies to the job interview. Then they magically end up getting the job at the tanning salon.

Ya gotta admit...the thought of the screaming kid crawling around the salon all day, attracting business from those walking past, is pretty appealing.

L2: I got nothing. Most of the gay chicks I've known weren't in the business of making the straight ones uncomfortable.

L3: The original LW has gotten used to having a second head growing out of her shoulder and flipper limbs. The crack in the microwave is no longer an issue.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

<quoted text>
awesome! At least their babies will have a healthy summer glow!

Like I always say, nobody likes a pasty baby!

Oh, and they almost universally have a girlfriend waiting up front while they get interviewed. Here's a thought: leave the BABY home with the GIRLFRIEND and maybe you'll seem more professional. Jus' sayin'.

itser wrote:

<quoted text>
Ya gotta admit...the thought of the screaming kid crawling around the salon all day, attracting business from those walking past, is pretty appealing.

As a childless woman, I can say that there is no more blessed sound than a stranger's screaming child. Sign me up for a fake n bake contract!

In the new ERP software, the screener software does record questions that are supposed to be asked of anyone. This question has been caught and flagged in Peoplesoft as illegal. We can not use it to score candidates. Our Peoplesoft hiring app is the same as everyone else's. So if they ask it, there's no where to score it. So it can not be used.