Young love is too much too soon for son's parents

Dear Amy, I must respectfully disagree with your response to Dear Drawling (printed 2/2/08). As you said, "when people hear an accent...they are inclined to be curious." To that I add that perhaps these curious folks are attempting to show their interest in accented person, and a regard for his or her background is a sign of respect. I have experienced this many times; coming across a person with an accent foreign to my own, I am always interested in knowing where they are from--in some small way it is exciting to meet and hear from a person who roots are elsewhere. Further, when I ask this question I am also signalling that I am interested in carrying on a conversation with this person. If I weren't, I wouldn't ask.
Incidentally, I was raised here but have often been asked by out-of-staters who have transplanted to Chicago where I was from! I have assumed that I have a strong Chicago accent but I have been pegged as coming from Minnesota! This guess always gives me a laugh--and I enjoy it. I encourage the reader to lighten up about something so trivial and common to human interest and communication.
Katie, Chicago

Abbie wrote:

I love it - get the boy involved in sports. That will take up his time and cool his libido! Yeah, high school football players NEVER have sex Abby.
She's so out of touch.

I think you are missing the point. I have younger brothers who, when in high school, were told they had to join sports. This kept them busy and HAPPY, both of which were missing from their lives as bored teens with excess energy and formerly no place to put it.

j c p wrote:

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I wonder if this will work...it sounds like a very good idea, telling it how it is.

Great response and great tactic. I think presenting the potential future outcomes could be helpful. Teens don't grasp the realities that are involved with pregnancy. this sheds some light on them.

When I hear an accent that is different from the Midwest US, I might ask out of curiousity or as an attempt to show interest in the person and make conversation.

When I've traveled, I've been asked the same question because of my Midwestern US accent. I have never considered it rude to ask.....I figure that those asking are just curious.

To DRAWLING IN DENVER,

I think you're being extremely sensitive.

When you come back with an answer like, "from my mother", it makes it seem like you're actually ASHAMED about where you're from. What's wrong with just saying the state you're from? They're not asking for your SS#. They're being friendly, that's all. Unless, for some strange reason, you're ashamed of being from that state. You seem the type who would be offended at many things.

Christina,

I just read your answer after I posted mine. I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt that way.

Spenser

About LW 3, I'm still getting questions about where I came from, and I left the South over 20 years ago. I have never gotten upset about the questions, and even make it funnier by increasing my drawl.

However, when I was visiting a group, and some of the guys mocked my accent (and no one said that isn't funny), I never went back.

Alison's parents are not taking care of their child; that's obvious.

They should enroll her in one of those courses where the girl is given a seven-pound stuffed bag. They have to care for it 24/7. They have to get up in the middle of the night to "feed" it. They have to carry it everywhere. They can't just put it down; it has to be in a safe place. They can't go ona bus or drive without securing the "baby".

After a few weeks of this, even the dimmest bulb is going to understand that you don't just pop the baby out; you have to take care of it 24/7, especially if the father is another teenager still living in his own home.

Which doesn't leave the girl much room for a "normal" teenager's life. Unless, of course, the "young mother" can foist off the baby's care onto her mother or grandmother -- or give it up for adoption.

I wish all of the overly sensitive people in the world would wear a T shirt that says, DON'T TRY TO BE FRIENDLY TO ME

Lisa wrote:

A friend of mine seized the "teaching moment" and explained to her son (14) that the only decision he gets to make is to refrain from sexual relations. Once a pregnancy occurs, the girl and her family get to make the decisions on what to do about it. He can end up paying child support for eighteen years, dealing with the guilt of knowing his own child was aborted, or being married too young and giving up all his plans for the future.

I don't think either girls or boys should or necessarily do feel guilt over obtaining an abortion if one is necessary ...

But otherwise Lisa, this is A GREAT POST!

Society way too often forgets to tell BOYS that THEY TOO have something to lose by having sex too early or by having unprotected sex.

Bridget Fidget wrote:

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I don't think either girls or boys should or necessarily do feel guilt over obtaining an abortion if one is necessary ...
But otherwise Lisa, this is A GREAT POST!
Society way too often forgets to tell BOYS that THEY TOO have something to lose by having sex too early or by having unprotected sex.

It depends on how you define necessary. Many people don't think convenience is a necessity.

LW2 should not be guilted into "getting over" a comment from her cousin. The cousin's statement is part of the experience of the baby's death. However, having said that, it is possible that she is transferring her anger over the baby's death to her cousin's remarkably insensitive request. I would suggest counseling or a perinatal death support group, which can be very helpful, and help her to completely grieve her child and then, and only then, move on.

Anon wrote:

LW2's cousin is an idiot. I can't even imagine the pain she must have gone through. Having all of the baby's things around the house must have made it even harder to deal with. It's too bad some friends/family didn't step in and take care of dealing with the shower gifts so she wouldn't have to deal with that. While the cousin would have said something stupid anyway, at least she wouldn't have had to deal with the logistics.

Actually it is better to let the parents decide when to put away the baby things. Removing all signs of the expected baby will not make them feel better. They are parents who lost a baby and will grieve for that baby.
What will help them is to be there to listen when they want to talk about the baby they lost and remember that baby in special ways on what will be difficult dates for the parents.
(holidays, baby's birthday, etc.)

Lisa wrote:

A friend of mine seized the "teaching moment" and explained to her son (14) that the only decision he gets to make is to refrain from sexual relations. Once a pregnancy occurs, the girl and her family get to make the decisions on what to do about it. He can end up paying child support for eighteen years, dealing with the guilt of knowing his own child was aborted, or being married too young and giving up all his plans for the future.

I love this! I've told my boys that they need to realize that having sex can mean that the girl is in their lives forever because birth control can fail, along with the "no" means "no", not "keep on trying." But I like that a lot--the only decision you get is to refrain from sex. Yeah.

Anyone who asks for shower gifts back after a stillborn baby is an absolute moron, but did she just ask for it back, or is the mother still focusing on it years later? People do stupid things, but holding resentment over it isn't healthy.

I hope for Devin's mom's sake that the girlfriend's parents aren't the type who think that because they gave their daughter a promise ring and had her join the abstinence club she's taken care of. I'd definitely have the chat with the son, make sure he knows how long 18 years of child support is, and make sure he has access to birth control in case he doesn't listen to suggestions that he wait.

I agree with those who endorse the "talk" as well as birth control. Although I understand those parents and authorities who would like to see all teens abstain from sex completely, the reality is that teens will have sex. So why wouldn't a parent want to at least arm their child with knowledge and protection?

Don't get me wrong--I am by no means condoning what goes on when "devin's" parents aren't supervising. I am, however, agreeing with those who pointed out that the only thing that only Devin can control is his whether or not to have sex.

and about the accent--unless someone is asking in a condescending tone, there's no reason to get offended when someone asks where you're from.

I am glad that no one was that insensitive with me.

I did not get baby shower gifts.

However, I did have a miscarriage and my family had been purchasing little things like from garage sales and things on sale.

THEN several months later I was pregnant again and talk about shock as we were not expecting that to happen THAT soon.

However, I had talked to women who had miscarried/had a still born.

So many had to put up with insensitive remarks. Like oh well you can try for another one now and such.

Some people act like a person should just get over it like it is that simple.

Any ways, my thoughts are with the mother. Who knows what the rest of the story was. I feel for her.

In addition to the birth control and STD talk Devin's parents need to have the "legal ramifications" talk with Devin. 14 is way below the age of consent in California, no matter how willing a participant Allison may be. Statutory rape charges could wreck Devin's life much more than years of child support or dealing with diseases.

Hey this reminds me of that 80s movie Endless Love. It starred Broke Shields and some boy whose name has been lost to the mists of time.

Anybody remember that movie?

LW3: A former co-worker of mine, who had a thick Southern accent, put it nicely once: When someone asks me where I'm from, they don't really want to know, they just want to know why I talk like this.