Dear Abby 07-09-12

DEAR ABBY: Over the past month I have accidentally dialed a couple of wrong numbers. Because no one answered, I didn't think it was necessary to leave a message.
Abby, both times the recipient of the wrong number called me to find out why I had called. The first time it was an irate mother demanding to know why I was calling her kid's cellphone. She threatened to call the police if I ever called again. The second individual also angrily demanded to know why I was calling. These folks could not accept the fact that I had simply misdialed.

I feel their reactions were unwarranted. Would you agree? What is the best way to respond if it happens again?-- HONESTLY MISTAKEN IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR HONESTLY MISTAKEN: People call wrong numbers every day. A misdial can occur if the caller is in a hurry or has poor vision, and it should not be a cause for panic or rudeness. If it happens again, the best way to respond is, "I misdialed. I'm sorry I bothered you." Then end the call.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother's Alzheimer's became apparent after she was in a car accident. I should have noticed the signs earlier, but I didn't. Her body recovered, her mind did not.
I built a new house with a separate suite for her. My wife and I tried to care for her for a year, but I'm disabled and Mom was afraid of my wife. There was never a moment's peace. Fearing for our collective health, I finally placed Mom into an assisted living facility. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

My children criticized me but offered no alternatives. I visited her as often as possible. Because I could no longer drive, I sent someone with gifts and treats for her. Mom died in 2007 after 10 years in the facility. The last few years she didn't know me from a doorknob. Her disease left my wife and me drained emotionally and financially. I still feel guilty for not doing more. The look of fear on her face haunts me still. Is this normal for someone in my circumstances?-- ONLY CHILD IN FLORIDA
DEAR ONLY CHILD: Yes, it's very common. I'm sorry for your mother's passing and the difficult years you and your family experienced because of her illness.

Given the progressive nature of Alzheimer's, it can be extremely taxing and affect the physical, mental and financial health not only of the person with the disease, but also his or her caregivers. When caregivers attempt to shoulder these responsibilities alone, they put their own health at risk. Moving your mother into a residential facility was a way to ensure she got the care she needed and take care of yourself at the same time.

Alzheimer's disease is often referred to as a "marathon, not a sprint." That's why it's important for caregivers to get help -- whether it's a residential facility, professional in-home help or family and friends. If they don't, the results can be disastrous.

It's common for caregivers to feel guilty and wish they could have done more, but it's important that you let these feelings go. You did everything you could to ensure your mother received the best care possible. If you need to talk to someone about your feelings, call the Alzheimer's Association toll-free 24/7 helpline at 800-272-3900, or visit alz.org online to find a local chapter or support group.

Lw1: "What is the best way to respond if it happens again?"
Tell them to go f themselves.

1- I've had people get rude if they call ME accidentally. They just can't believe they've dialed the wrong number and I must have somehow screwed with their phone or something. Yeah, tell them to eff themselves.

LW1: I can see this has had quite an effect on you. I don't know why you would let this bother you THAT much.

LW2:

L1: I've yelled at 2 people who dialed wrong numbers, but both called at 3 AM asking for someone who obviously didn't live in my house and asked "who's this?" when I groggily answered.

L2: My wife manages a facility for dementia residents, and placing a loved one with dementia in assisted living is not a stigma. Assisted living gets them the structure, supervision, and medical care they need. Her new admissions improve in almost all areas after their admission.

L1: my husband once had a guy call multiple times, yelling at him about why he had some girl's cell phone. Dude, either the girl intentionally gave you the wrong number, or you were so drunk you wrote it down incorrectly.

We are one number off from the closest Domino's Pizza.
If there is anything I am thankful to cell phones for, it's that since they've become most people's phones we don't get calls nearly every weekend from people wanting to order pizza.

LW1: If you dial wrong, stay on the line and apologize.

LW2: Your kids are idiots. Get some help. You made the best choice in teh situation and I am sure it was the best thing for your mom.

L1: I wouldn't let this get to you. If someone is rude on the phone, block their number and move on with life.

L2: No guilt is needed. I'm sure some grief counselling, even after 10 years, would help.

Growing up, our phone number was 1 digit off from a funeral home. My poor mother would get tearful phone calls teling her to please pick up the body.

The only ones who have a right to criticize ar teh ones who did as much as you

Stina wrote:

LW1: If you dial wrong, stay on the line and apologize.

Is mis-dialing really something you need to be sorry for? "Oh no. I'm so sorry i put you thru the trouble of pressing a button and saying 'hello.' "

Toj wrote:

L1: I wouldn't let this get to you. If someone is rude on the phone, block their number and move on with life.
L2: No guilt is needed. I'm sure some grief counselling, even after 10 years, would help.

This is how you deal with rude people over the phone.

L1: I had a long saga, back in the days of AOL, of some girl and her mom thinking I was some other girl they knew. No amount of telling them to f off could convince them that they *might* have the wrong logon name/email address. People are dumb.

L2: Tell your children to go suck eggs. You were not equipped to handle your mom. Your mom, in her right mind, likely wouldn't have wanted to burden you like that.

Mister Tonka wrote:

Lw1: "What is the best way to respond if it happens again?"
Tell them to go f themselves.

Absolutely. Especially after a bogus threat to call the cops. I have zero tolerance for that ridiculousness.

LW2 - you did what you could for as long as you could. maybe it's some kind of survivors guilt, but look into it.

saluki, thanks for sharing that the folks improve once they move to a specialized facility. my great aunt & uncle moved to a wonderful place in the west suburbs, one fo the first of its kind that had a dementia wing. unfortunately, they were at a tipping point and didn't improve, but at least they were in good hands for hte last of their days. wonderful place, wonderful staff. there were a couple of characters there taht were treated absolutely wonderfully. there is no way taht anyone could do at home what this staff did...

Aisle Sitter wrote:

saluki, thanks for sharing that the folks improve once they move to a specialized facility. my great aunt & uncle moved to a wonderful place in the west suburbs, one fo the first of its kind that had a dementia wing. unfortunately, they were at a tipping point and didn't improve, but at least they were in good hands for hte last of their days. wonderful place, wonderful staff. there were a couple of characters there taht were treated absolutely wonderfully. there is no way taht anyone could do at home what this staff did...

You are welcome. I think that people don't fully understand that caring for a person with dementia is far more demanding than caring for young children. The dementia patient's needs are very difficult to meet at home without substantial assistance from professionals.

Saluki Rod wrote:

<quoted text>
You are welcome. I think that people don't fully understand that caring for a person with dementia is far more demanding than caring for young children. The dementia patient's needs are very difficult to meet at home without substantial assistance from professionals.

i think it's harder to deal with an adult body with a child-like mind... and the wandering that alzheimber's patients can get to doing! This facility had alarms on the door and the residents all had ankle bracelets taht wuold set them off when the residents tried to make a break for it.

also:

1. The size is different. I can control -- physically -- a crazed toddler. But not a 65-year-old adult.

2. The adults get worse, unlike children, who improve in their behavior, cognitive skills, etc.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

also:
1. The size is different. I can control -- physically -- a crazed toddler. But not a 65-year-old adult.
2. The adults get worse, unlike children, who improve in their behavior, cognitive skills, etc.

Yep, this is it.

NWmoon wrote:

We are one number off from the closest Domino's Pizza.
If there is anything I am thankful to cell phones for, it's that since they've become most people's phones we don't get calls nearly every weekend from people wanting to order pizza.

My cell is a one number off from the Korean consulate. I get Korean speaking wrong numbers all.the.time. I called the consulate and told them to change their info and make sure whoever is giving out their number has the right number. On the upside I don't get middle of the night calls and they are always nice when I tell them they have the wrong number. <shrug>