Ask Amy 11-12

Dear Amy: I was extremely fortunate to have had a baby boy with my second wife while in my late 50s.

Never have I been so happy -- with my beautiful 14-month-old boy -- and I consider myself very fortunate indeed.

I'm the stay-at-home professional artist dad, while my wife has the traditional "husband" role.

When I'm at the supermarket, the library or the playground, everyone assumes that my son is my grandchild, and tells me so.

I'm very offended by that quick pronouncement of my status.

I certainly do not look like a 58-year-old, but I don't look in my early 30s either.

We live in a sexist and ageist culture, where if an older man is with a boy, the assumption is that he is retired and a grandfather.

I don't ever assume that a larger woman is pregnant, but I have assumed that an older woman is a grandmother, although I keep those assumptions to myself.

I would like your take on possible responses without sounding irritated.

Or am I just a little too sensitive?
-- Frustrated Father

Dear Frustrated: According to you, we live in a "sexist and ageist" culture, and yet you have a wife who is also a "husband" and are the lucky dad to a baby while in your late 50s.

I don't quite understand your pain because -- at least the way you present it -- you hit the jackpot, my friend.

I don't know many women in their late 50s, for instance, who are lucky enough to give birth to babies with their (presumably much younger) spouses.

I also don't quite know what a 58-year-old is supposed to look like. I've looked 58 since I was in my 30s, but evidently looking your age is also something you don't feel comfortable about.

You need to get a sense of humor about this because it is a fact of your life, and you (and especially your son) will be dealing with this forever.

You can say, "Oh -- I'm not his grandpa, I'm his dad! At this rate, I won't become a grandfather until I'm 105!"

Dear Amy: "Uneasy" wrote that her boyfriend of two months recently logged back in to the online dating site where they first met.

Your advice was that if they choose to become sexually involved, then they should talk about this situation -- the implication being that they aren't having sex.

Maybe I'm out of touch, given that I've been married for more than 30 years, but even back when I was dating, going with someone for two months and not yet having sex would've been unusual.

I would think that nowadays the moral constraints against premarital sex are even looser.
-- Curious

Dear Curious: The numbers are in, and (according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) the incidence of teens (for instance) having sex is actually decreasing.

Sexual behavior (and the definition of what constitutes "having sex") may have changed, but in a dating relationship, I would argue that people are in some ways more sexually cautious than they were in your youth. The prevalence of AIDS and other STDs (not huge public health issues 30 years ago) are reason enough to be careful.

"Unsure" didn't say whether she and the guy she was seeing were sexually intimate, but if they were, they should be brave enough to talk about things.

Dear Amy: Last Christmas I sent my father-in-law, a man who has everything, something special.

At least I thought it was.

Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law did not appreciate it, basically told me that and hurt my feelings.

What do I do this year?

I know I'm not buying them anything, but do I have to visit them on Christmas?

I'm still hurt from their actions.

How do other couples deal with rude in-laws on what should be a joyous day?
-- Out-law

Dear Out-law: I'd advise that you shouldn't give ungrateful people the power to suck the joy out of your holiday. I'll joyfully run suggestions from readers.

LW1--Try leaving the walker at home next time.

LW2--What does sex have to do with it? He's still on the prowl.

LW3--What does "basically" mean? Whatever. Get over yourself.

LW3: Take the gift-giving out of the equation. I've tried giving gifts to my in laws on Christmas and their birthdays. My father in law has disliked every gift we've given him. So I stopped giving gifts. We still celebrate the holidays and birthdays with them, we just don't bother with the gifts. Everyone is just fine with it. It was my insistence that I "had" to give a gift that was causing the problem.

LW1 Let me see. You have a beautiful son, a working wife (that is probably 20+ yrs your junior}, a career that allows you to be a stay at home Dad, and you don't look your age? Simply say "He is my son. Aren't I a lucky guy?" Cause you are.

LW2 What Daria said.

LW3 So. What was this "special" gift? Your in-laws are rude. Yes, visit them this Christmas. Make a donation to a charity in their name.

1: If you think it's bad now, wait till your kid is 14 or 15 and you're, what, 70? Ha!
3: Well, it depends. Was this "something special" matching sex toys perhaps?

LW1:
You think you've got issues now?
Wait until High school parents night, and see the reactions when a 70+ yr old man turns up with all the other 30, & 40-somethings. No-one's ever going to mistake who you are then!
When you go outside society's norms, people don't easily recognize it, and act as if you are still in the norm. It's not their fault your different, the onus is on you to politely explain.
Deal with it!

LW2:
The numbers are in......and according to the Center for Topix Advice Column Posters, nobody gives a crap.

LW3:
Here's an idea, why not just live your life, rather than stewing over what your in-laws do or think?

LW1: I can't believe it!

LW2: What is this world coming to?

LW3: Oh...My...Gosh...

LW1 - Yeah, you're too sensitive. You are oversensitive about your "job" and your age, even though you admit that when you see an older women with a baby you assume that she is the grandmother.

Stop caring about what other people say and enjoy your time with your son.

LW3 - Did you just get married? I bet you did, otherwise you would have learned how to deal with this by now. Or else your in-laws are getting older and their personalities are starting to change (in which case they need to see a doctor).

This is why my husband picks out the gifts for his parents (unless I find something that is absolutely perfect, not something that is "special"). My parents are appreciative of everything that their children do for them.

Jess in NJ wrote:

LW3 - Did you just get married? I bet you did, otherwise you would have learned how to deal with this by now. Or else your in-laws are getting older and their personalities are starting to change (in which case they need to see a doctor).
This is why my husband picks out the gifts for his parents (unless I find something that is absolutely perfect, not something that is "special"). My parents are appreciative of everything that their children do for them.

Of course she could send something special, "say it with flowers", and send them a Triffid.

LW1: You take the good, you take the bad
something something then you have
The Facts of Life! Yeah, The Facts of life

LW2: The fixer said it best

LW3: guess you're just a bad gift-giver. You can never go wrong with the traditional "basket of shower crap."

LW1: Look, Jackass, three is nothing ageist about your situation. You have deluded yourself into thinking you look like a young man, but the fact that people assume he's your grandson tells the true story. Your old. Near retirement age, yet you get offended when people don't think you look like you're a young man? Get over yourself. And as far as no one assuming he is your son, generally speaking, people do not become parents when they are in their late 50's. If you did it, you are the exception to the rule.

LW2: Thanks for citing a useless study inyour response, Amy. Whether or not teens are having sex is irrelevant. The discussion is on dating adults.

LW3: I can't tell if they really did something horrible or if you're just to sensitive. You claim to have sent FIL something you thought was special. So how did he let you know he did not think so? Did he flat out tell you you wasted your money(or time if it was something you made)? Or did he not gush over it like a schoolgirl, thus sending you the message that he did not appreciate it. Did you sign him up for the beer of the month club and he told you he does not drink beer? You have not provided enough specifics to the situation, so I'm going to assume you're being vague because you don't think others would take your side. My initial reaction is you're a pain in the ass.

Mcfixer wrote:

<quoted text>
Of course she could send something special, "say it with flowers", and send them a Triffid.

LOL... I had to look that one up. I'm picturing Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horrors".

LW1: Get over it gramps

LW2: Did Amy even read the letter?

LW3: Jeez, so just give them a gift card. Think of the time and gas you'll save.

LW1: Since you are a stay at home dad why don't you go knit your son a nice sweater for Chistmas.

L1: People used to think my dad was my grandfather sometimes when I was a kid. Because he's older than the traditional age of parents of people in my generation (that was wordy, sorry). Deal.

L2: I'm with Fixer.

L3: Jess, a few of us at work were just talking about Audrey II this morning! I actually think Amy gave a good answer to this letter.

L1: Amy, really, calling a working mom a "Husband" because the baby's father stays home? You are a moron.

L2: Even if they aren't having sex, being an adult in the dating world means being able to talk to the person with whom you are involved.

L3: Send them a subscription to Penthouse. You know that at least one of them will enjoy it.

LW1 Your a pansy artist who after failing with the gay lifestyle finally bought a mail order bride from Tiawan and sired a child (did you do a paternity test). Now you think that the world is conspiring against you by calling you gramps.... I predict that in 5 yrs your going to have enough of fatherhood and go back to the flamer fest lifestyle and you will get a younger man to act as surrogate dad to your kid.

LW2 What Bee said. Total non answer.

LW3 Lesson learned. Dont give inlaws sex toys for christmas.

Jess in NJ wrote:

This is why my husband picks out the gifts for his parents (unless I find something that is absolutely perfect, not something that is "special"). My parents are appreciative of everything that their children do for them.

Great comment! "Perfect" and "special" are two different things. I have received perfect gifts and they are great. I have received "special" gifts and I hang onto them for a few months or years then I give them to GOodwill.

L1: This guy talks so much about the baby, but I wonder how much parenting he did for kid #1.

L3: Get your inlaws a one-size-fits-all "I'm with STupid <<~~~" tshirt and see which one of them wears it.

AngelaMN wrote:

L1: Amy, really, calling a working mom a "Husband" because the baby's father stays home? You are a moron.

Actually, LW called her that first.

"I'm the stay-at-home professional artist dad, while my wife has the traditional "husband" role."