Amy 2-9

Dear Amy: How do I tell friends that their laundry soap and after-shave are making me sick?

Our sons are very close (they are 10) and the boys spend a lot of time together. When their son is at our house I have him sit on towels because the scent in his clothes is so strong it clings to the furniture for days!

The last time he was here, it caused an asthma attack for me that lasted a couple of hours.

When my son plays at their house, he comes home smelling too! I generally have to wash all of his clothes and have him shower afterward.

Between the potpourri, the laundry soaps/fragranced softeners and all the perfume they wear, their house is hard for me to enter.

How do I tackle this tactfully?

— Suffering

Dear Suffering: Your friends aren't doing anything "wrong" by using scented products, and you shouldn't blame them for it.

The most tactful way to approach this is simply and honestly. Your chemical sensitivities and health issues are not all that unheard of and you should explain that some of the products they use are triggers that can cause extreme problems for you.

If their son spends a lot of time at your house, he could bring an extra set of clothes to keep at your home (that you would launder) to change into when he visited.

Once you explain your health situation, they will understand why you linger near — or just outside — the door.

Dear Amy: I just had to respond to the letter from "Loving Husband," who was complaining about sexless marriages.

I can only speak for myself, but he answered his own question when he said some wives among his long-married circle of friends have written off sex as "painful, etc." He (and you) suggested that wives might just "fake it" every two weeks or so for their sakes. I guess he thought the idea that this is painful was just an excuse.

After I turned 40 and especially after a hysterectomy, I began to lose feeling and eventually sex became painful.

My doctor took me off of hormone treatments and we tried other remedies. They were expensive and didn't help. I had been "faking it" for years for my husband's sake and would continue if it didn't feel as if I were being ripped apart.

Every time I see a Viagra ad, I wonder why somebody can't do something to help us women.

In the meantime, I suggest you husbands have a root canal every two weeks and pretend you're enjoying it. You'll get the picture.

— Also Married 40 Years

Dear Also Married: I have received hundreds of responses to this letter from women — many criticizing my response, where I suggested that "faking it until you make it" can be a way to restore a sexual connection.

Obviously, this would only work if the problem weren't physical. And it would only work when both parties were motivated to try to change their situation.

I assume that the physical changes we know as menopause evolved over millennia to remove women from the sexual equation and that we women are more or less designed to fade away after our childbearing years are over.

Modern life has overtaken our reproductive biology, and Viagra mitigates some sexual dysfunction for men.

If men spent five to 10 years experiencing the more extreme symptoms of menopause the way many women do, they might not blithely criticize their wives because they're no longer "interested."

This is an extremely complex issue, but I appreciate the discussion.

Dear Amy: "Exhausted" said that after her marriage broke up, she was now facing life as a single mom to three kids — mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

I thought your reply to her was so compassionate. Her letter (and your answer) brought a tear to my eye. I hope she heeds your advice to take 10 minutes after the kids are in bed to write down the good things that happened that day.

— Faithful Reader

Dear Reader: I was moved by this letter, partly because I've been there. Counting one's blessings doesn't solve everything — but it's a start.

One stinking letter that looks made up and two rehashes,,,,,,,,,

1- Please be fake.

2- if you're no longer gonna give it up for your husband, he should be permitted to get it elsewhere.

3- Count your blessings, count them one by one
Count your blessings see what God has done
Count your blessings, count your many blessings
Count your blessings, count them one by one

L1: I wonder how clean their house is. I've known people who used all that scented stuff (yuk) and it seems to be related to not having a clean house.

L2: Completely different scenarios. Original LW's wife refused to talk about it or do anything about it. You can't compare that woman with this LW. By the way, Viagra does work on women. Just sayin'.

L3: Aw, Amy found a sucker to pat her on the back!

Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Syndrome was a diagnoses that was debunked maybe 15 years ago. Some people are hypersensitive to fragrances though. LW is going to be written off as a nut regardless how real her suffering is.

I am not sure if this will get past the monitor, but Amy missed the fact that intimacy and sexual gratification do not require vaginal penetration, just some imagination.Ask the guys with intractable ED for whom the pills don’t work

1 The problem is YOU not them. They smell clean, you smell like unwashed socks.

2 Get the K-Y jelly if it hurts.

3 I am grateful that I am not a dry vagina.

RACE wrote:

3 I am grateful that I am not a dry vagina.

Weirdo. ;)

LW1: What Amy said. Don't approach them as if THEY have a problem and are doing something that needs correcting. Approach them with the fact that YOU have a problem and would be grateful for their HELP.

LW: Hey, you got 2 more entry points. Pick one.

L1: I'm with a lot of people on this one. She's a borderline nut job. How about she see a doctor?

L2: glad to see that others have already suggested other alternatives......

boundary painter wrote:

One stinking letter that looks made up and two rehashes,,,,,,,,,

I don't know if the first letter is made up, because I know a little boy I don't want at my house anymore for the same reason. He STINKS to high heaven of fabric softener.

The mom once passed on some second-hand clothing to us, and I ended up soaking the clothing for days in oxyclean and then water to get the excess fabric softener out of the fabric :( A year later and many washes later (without any sort of fabric softener, I don't use it) the clothing still has this faint cloud of fabric softener scent clinging to it.

pde wrote:

<quoted text>
I don't know if the first letter is made up, because I know a little boy I don't want at my house anymore for the same reason. He STINKS to high heaven of fabric softener.
The mom once passed on some second-hand clothing to us, and I ended up soaking the clothing for days in oxyclean and then water to get the excess fabric softener out of the fabric :( A year later and many washes later (without any sort of fabric softener, I don't use it) the clothing still has this faint cloud of fabric softener scent clinging to it.

Do you think they did anything out of the ordinary to get it to smell that way? I use fabric softener, but I use it as directed and don't notice any smell at all unless I put it up against my nose and take a whiff.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

L3: Aw, Amy found a sucker to pat her on the back!

<snicker>

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>Do you think they did anything out of the ordinary to get it to smell that way? I use fabric softener, but I use it as directed and don't notice any smell at all unless I put it up against my nose and take a whiff.

I haven't the faintest clue what they did. My guess is that it's overuse of a rather scented detergent + overuse of a rather scented fabric softener, over a period of time. The amount of excess detergent that came out while I was soaking the secondhand clothing (making the water all sudsy) was kind of incredible.

Since the boy is wearing these clothes day-after-day, even his hair smells like the laundry.

LW1: What Tonka said.

I work with a woman who is super sensitive to scents in perfumes, soaps and lotions and have to be careful when I buy a new stinkum. So far, so good.

LW2: "Every time I see a Viagra ad, I wonder why somebody can't do something to help us women."

I think that for some reason, men disregard our parts because they are on the inside. If their parts hurt like that, believe me, there would be outrage until a remedy was found.

LW3: It must have been hormones, because I can't believe anyone would cry about something Amy wrote. Ah, perhaps it was her intern...

edogxxx wrote:

2- if you're no longer gonna give it up for your husband, he should be permitted to get it elsewhere.

I know this isn't going to be a popular solution, but I gotta admit I admire the pragmatism.

squishymama wrote:

LW2: "Every time I see a Viagra ad, I wonder why somebody can't do something to help us women."
I think that for some reason, men disregard our parts because they are on the inside. If their parts hurt like that, believe me, there would be outrage until a remedy was found.

Are there no women scientists? No women entrpreneurs? Who is this "sombody" that LW expects to find a remedy?

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>Are there no women scientists? No women entrpreneurs? Who is this "sombody" that LW expects to find a remedy?

Not many women in the positions of power that make the decision which cures to research. It is simply not a priority, and yes I'm going to go there, because men make those decisions.

Realistically, do you think it's feasible for an entrepreneur of either gender to start up a drug company? Maybe Mr. Romney and his millions could do it, but for the average joe, it seems like it would take a miracle.

squishymama wrote:

<quoted text>
Not many women in the positions of power that make the decision which cures to research. It is simply not a priority, and yes I'm going to go there, because men make those decisions.
Realistically, do you think it's feasible for an entrepreneur of either gender to start up a drug company? Maybe Mr. Romney and his millions could do it, but for the average joe, it seems like it would take a miracle.

What about these women? Surely they have some sway into what gets done.

http://www.fiercepharma.com/story/big-pharma-...

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>What about these women? Surely they have some sway into what gets done.
http://www.fiercepharma.com/story/big-pharma-...

One woman on a board of 13 isn't going to effect much progress. She needs the men's cooperation.

squishymama wrote:

I think that for some reason, men disregard our parts because they are on the inside. If their parts hurt like that, believe me, there would be outrage until a remedy was found.

Stop the man-hating, no one "disregards" your "parts" because they're on the inside. Sex is painful for women for a myriad of reasons, a hysterectomy only being one, and even then, isn't true for all who've had one. Research has been done and there are a number of remedies for various problems. For you and the LW, don't paint men as evil women oppressors focusing solely on ailments that affect men.