in My Opinion: Hoop-speak class is now in session

Charlotte.com

March 25, 2008

Welcome, basketball fans, to hoops heaven.

On behalf of the Greater Charlotte Chamber of Saloonkeepers, we invite you to take in the festive splendors of our humble uptown, particularly those of you who spent the first- and second-round games in Raleigh, a real rockin' (chair) place.

Unlike Raleigh, named for a man who pranced around in pantaloons and a frilly collar, we are a serious party town.

We take our inspiration from the mysterious Queen Charlotte, who knew how to throw a bash. You may have seen her statue at the airport. It's no accident she appears to be getting goosed.

We cater to all ages. For grownups, there are clubs and fine dining. For kids, we have an electric train. For senior citizens, affordable and restful accommodations are plentiful (follow signs to Raleigh).

We live, eat and breathe basketball here. We even have a semi-pro team.

We also speak hoops, though the local dialect may be a bit strange to you outlanders. Here is a rundown on what we're talking about when we're talking -- and taking -- shots.

** Blocked shot: Known to bracketologists as Dukis Interruptus. Tornadic winds force TV forecasters to show weather maps instead of the ACC semifinal, urge at-risk viewers to cower in a ditch.

** Bank shot: Bank of America's profits plunge 30 percent and the CEO gets only a $4 million bonus.

** Espresso shot: Fans from Seattle.

** Shot in the dark: Hillary Clinton landing in Bosnia under sniper fire that no one else remembers.

** Hot shot: Stephen Curry.

** Big shot: Dell Curry, better known now as Stephen's dad.

** Long shot: Thursday tickets.

** Money shot: Consult Web site HushHush.

** Trick shot: Ditto.

** Dunk shot: Nagged to conserve water, you do. Then the Water Lords demand rate increase because they couldn't bill as much.

** Bird shot: Gesture most often spotted during the afternoon commute on 485.

** Jump shot: As in when Bruton says hop, and Concord says how high?

** Outside shot: Party-ready fans who find themselves marooned in pastureland when attending playoffs at Raleigh's RBC Center.

** Inside shot: Snack bar tab at Bobcats Arena (motto: 'Truck Stop Food at Airport Prices.')

** Shot of adrenaline: Those amazing Davidson Wildcats.

** Shot in the arm: Our housing prices are the only ones in the nation still rising.

** Booster shot: Mayor Pat McCrory's gubernatorial campaign.

** Shot down: Uptown's mythical market for millionaire condo owners.

** Desperation shot: UNC Charlotte's expensive gambit for collegiate football.

** Cheap shot: Bobcats' MIA owner Bob Johnson.

** Flu shot: Mike Krzyzewski gets a fever and the whole team goes comatose.

** Space shot: A pilot's gun goes off in the cockpit of an inbound flight. Better known hereabouts as a 'Barney Fife.'

** Slap shot: A polite insult, as in: Washington State fans -- bless your hearts.

Translation: You got no shot.

IN MY OPINION Mark Washburn

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